Chapter 37- Don't look so shocked.
Opening the door was courage, it really was.
But Kyle's words echoed through the pits of my mind, no doubt spurring me on. I was a lucky girl, the luckiest to walk the planet, I knew.
I stepped foot onto the tiled flooring, the first thing my eyes followed to was the white washed walls; so plain and boring, definitely not my kind of thing.
My eyes then snapped to my mother, sat on a cushioned chair, she had made her self at home with a few pictures on a table beside her. Pictures of me, Tammy, my father and past relatives.
I walked slowly over to her, and she jumped up from her seat. I jumped and took a few steps back. My heart was pounding in my chest, but it didn't stop my mother, she made her way over to me quickly, almost desperate to hold me, but I didn't feel safe.
She took me into her arms and hugged me with a fierce pull. My arms stayed limp to the side of me, I couldn't bare myself to hug her back, after all that she had done? Why should I. I was still scared, the lonely, lost child wanting to come out of me again. I couldn't let it.
"I'm so sorry, I am so very sorry," I could feel her shaking while she hugged me, she was crying.
She was always so well put together, so strong and bleak, never letting anybody witness the emotions she felt inside. Here, in front of me crying and shaking, I felt some kind of sympathy towards her.
She wasn't the greatest mother, but she was my mother. She was flesh an blood at the end of the day and it didn't feel right to hate her, however much I tried, I just couldn't.
I wrapped my arms around her body too, welcoming the soft lavender smell she always gave out, and it took me back to how it used to be.
"Mom," I said. Tears welled up in my eyes but I didn't want to set them free.
"I'm so sorry," she whispered again. She pulled back, and her eyes told me everything I needed to know, she was sincere in what she was saying. But she seemed as if she was holding something back.
"What is it, mom?" I asked in a hoarse voice. She looked to the floor.
"I was so scared,"
"About what?" I asked confusingly. I hadn't expected that.
"About what I was capable of, I knew I wasn't quite right, I knew there must have been something wrong. I felt angered, all the time I saw red, I felt hatred over you and over many, many things. I was evil, and scared because I was capable of so much, and I proved myself right in the end," my mother stated as I felt her legs giving out. I grabbed her in time and sat her back down on the chair.
She pointed the the chair opposite, indicating for me to sit down and I knew her instructive nature wasn't lost in her.
Once I was seated, I took a full look at her appearance. She was looking okay, she was dressed immaculate, like she always was, and there was a little part of me which was glad she was doing okay. I didn't want to see any harm.
At the end of the day, I'm just a growing teenager, I still loved my mother, like a young girl should, whatever the circumstances, and even when I was really mad and in a whole lot of doubt, there was always that little part of me that never stopped loving my mother. I just wish she was there when I needed her. And I used to wish she loved me just as much as I her.
Feeling unloved and neglected was heart breaking enough.
"I'm not proud of what I did, and I wish it never went that far to really show me that I needed to get here," she said, "I'm just glad I'm here and I'm much better now, Cali,"
"I'm glad to hear it," I replied strongly. I didn't want to show her I was badly affected, for her sake and for mine.
"I loved you, I still love you as a mother should, I did, I didn't mean to cause you any harm, I feel sickened even thinking about it, sick to the hilt," she let out just as strong, almost as if she was angry with herself.
"It's okay," I whispered. Was it? I didn't know, I just wanted to reassure her. "I understand," I didn't, not fully, but understand that she was ill and needed help. "Things could have been much worse," I could have been killed if Kyle hadn't had stopped what was going on. Kyle, how I love him.
"If I impaled that knife, you could have...you could have-"
"Stop, mom, you're thinking too much in to this," even though it was true. "Just move on, I'm trying to," my mother swallowed.
"Please take my forgiveness, Cali, let me rest at night knowing you don't hate me,"
"Like you used to hate me?" I snapped back, I didn't mean to.
"I told you I didn't hate you, I couldn't, you're my daughter," she said lowly. I let out a calming breath.
"I'm sorry, I'm just still a little hurt about it all," I looked down into my lap.
"As you should be, my mother used to be the same," she stated and I looked to her quickly. I never knew who my grandma was, my mothers mom, because she died before I was born. She died quite young.
"She disliked me, hated me to the core, she really did," her eyes clouded with the memory.
"You don't have to tell me," she shook her head and continued.
"She acted the same way I did with you, and I was scared I was going to be like her, and I was, but worse. It killed her though, and I didn't want it to kill me," she let out a breath. "I didn't want you not to have a mother, even though I was a shitty one," I gasped at her choice of words, she never liked using such words.
"Wow," I breathed and she nodded.
"And it pains me to know you're father, my love, will be gone, and you'll be fatherless, and that's why I want to make it right so badly," she pleaded. She was desperate, I could sense it, hear it.
"You can make it right, I think," I was skeptical, but I wanted us to be okay.
"I'll beg for your forgiveness," she stated. "Whatever it takes, I want my two beautiful daughters back, but I know it will take more for you, I was worse with you after all," I didn't know what to say, and once again she made me speechless.
We stated silent for a few minutes, and I knew deep down I really wanted to move on. I knew what I had to do, and that was to forgive, I may regret it, but it was for my father too.
"I forgive you," I let out shakily.
"Really?"
"Really," I pulled my lips up into a smile to show her, I hope she believed me. I hope we could move on.
Suddenly, a giggle escaped my mothers lips, and I was shocked at the sound. My mother was always so stoney faced, always so emotionless and bleak, the sound surprised me more than it should have.
"Don't look so shocked, I used to laugh a lot when I was younger, I just got a bit sour in my old age. I'm better now, I feel happier, as you can see," she giggled again and I couldn't help but join her.
"Look after your father for me, and don't let Kyle go, he adores you, I knew it then when I met him, and I believe you're still together?" I nodded my head and she smiled, "good, tell him you love him as many times as you can, never let him forget, men are on another planet, sometimes they get insecure too. He loves you and he can protect you, that's something to hold on to," she smiled shyly. I nodded my head again.
"I will, mom,"
"And don't rush on the grand kids, I'm just about getting my daughters back," she winked my way and I looked to her with wide eyes.
"I'm definitely not ready for that,"
"Don't worry, Cali, you'll never turn out like me and your grandma, you're different; stronger, loving and you easily forgive," is that what made the idea of kids so scary? Knowing I'd turn out like my mother and hers?
She stands up and I know I've been dismissed. She pulls me into a hug and I hug her back this time with no hesitations. She kisses me cheek and says her goodbyes.
"Visit me again, I can get a little bored and lonely,"
"I will, I promise," and I meant it.
"Don't forget what I said, love your heart away, and look after your father, I know he needs you more than ever now," I nod my head and my eyes well up again. A tear sets free and she wipes it away with her thumb.
"Don't cry, everything will be okay, trust me," and I'm thankful for her loving actions. After all this time, I've needed it.
"Thanks, mom," I reply as I sniff. She smiled sweetly and I walk to the door. I open it and give my mother one last look before leaving.
I walk straight into Kyle's opened arms and snuggle into him. He kisses my forehead.
"How was it?" He breaths as he buries his nose in my hair.
"I'll tell you in the car," I state. He nods his head.
"Not all bad then?" I shake my head. "Good, I'm glad," he smiles down at me and I smile back up at him. He pecks my lips, entwines his hand through mine and leads me back to his car.
Suddenly, I'm pushed back against his car again. He crashes his lips to mine and I groan, lost and wanting.
"You kiss me with so much love, I'm crazy for it, for you,"
"You know I love you," he hums in reply and slowly travels his lips up my neck and to my ear.
"I can't wait to get you home," Kyle breaths in my ear. I shiver with excitement and anticipation.
"Take me home then," I mutter and he opens the door to let me in.
"As you wish baby,"
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It's small but I'm on holiday so I had to rush this a little with the wifi I pay 3 lev for, you have no idea:) but anything for you guys!
Love you guys loads, seriously all the messages and everything! You guys are amazing every single on of you.
Hope you enjoyed this:)x