8 months of pregnancy will really mess you up. Back pain, pelvic/hip pain, vagina pain. It all feels like the end. Your body has decided to fuck this shit I'm out. But soon you are holding your baby girl, our little Riley.
What started as a fun night after working turned into crying together on the bathroom floor. Both of us filled with fear and joy. We weren't ready for a child. Is anybody really?
Ethan and I hooked up one night when filming a video with Mark, Bob, Wade and Tyler. Some call it stress relief but we called it resistance. When you stretch a rubber band. It resists but pulls snaps right back to its original form. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. We couldn't resist. We were drunk, we were tired, we had sex. As for if the elastic band breaks? That was our rubber breaking.
8 months pregnant and put on bed rest. Ethan is going to be involved in our baby's life but we will not be together. Having to hide the idea that Ethan is the father from Amy and Kathryn, to not tell Mark and all of them. I can't tell my work family, so he isn't a part of my family.
I was laying in bed, watching Say Yes to the Dress sobbing. I would say thank you hormones but I did this before I was pregnant. My hands resting on my now mountainous baby belly. She wasn't as active as she normally is but hopefully that means she is working herself up for her big appearance. I decide to lay down and take a nap. The pressure in my lower region is worse every single day.
Then it started.
-Ethan's perspective-
"Mark lay in this area over here, we bring up the yellow tones in this shot and you are king of the Dandelions as well," Mark gives a thumbs up and lays in the dandelions.
"Hey guys, we gotta go," Amy says with Kathryn snatching her phone and freaking out.
"What's going on?" As if out of nowhere Tyler appears and asks. I mean I swear, that boy is what 8 feet tall? How are you so quiet?!
Amy just shakes her head as if tears are forming, Mark walks over and reads the text.
"I'm in labor. Baby is premature. I'm heading over in an ambulance. lots of blood,"
As if in an instant trance, Mark starts packing things up swiftly, Tyler picking up on the mood change and repeating it.
"Will someone please tell me what's going on?" I say just always having to be the last person to know.
I get handed the phone and my heart drops.
I motion for Amy and Kathryn to come with me in my car, leaving Mark and Tyler to take the other car and to finish cleaning up.
Tears were rolling down my face the whole ride to the hospital.
Please let Y/n and the baby be okay.
-Back to your perspective!-
I'm in full blown labor at 8 months pregnant, the risks for me and the baby are high. I'm doing this all by myself. I'm not ready to be a single mother, but I can't handle losing my baby what if I can't handle the outcome of today. I can't do this.
Tears are running down my cheek as I'm getting checked by doctors and nurses.
Some have pity in their eye, some have the look of envy.
I love Ethan and I love the baby, but I can't love someone who can't admit this is their baby. We created this bundle of joy, a bundle of hell at the moment, but he can't even look me in the eyes when I get questions on how I'm feeling or what pregnancy is like.
Contractions are in full swing and all I can do is clutch the railings of my bed and cry.
Amy, Kathryn and the devil himself walked into my room. Seeing my two girlfriends who have never left my side when I needed them, I broke down.
"I can't do this, I can't. I can't be a single mother, but if something happens to my baby I am just alone. I can't do this," I say as Amy pulls me into her arms, Kathryn rubbing tiny circles on my back as I let out loud sobs as if holding it in for eternity. Soon enough a contraction comes and I am screaming at the top of my lungs.
"You know we aren't leaving you right? You have me, Kat, Mark, Tyler, and hey maybe even Ethan can handle holding a baby. You aren't alone here, Y/n, not now, not ever," Amy says practically tearing up herself.
Ethan just walks right out of the room causing me to cry some more. Amy and Kat looked up at each other in disagreement, was it Ethan throwing a temper tantrum as a 21-year-old? Was I more mature than him being 19?
"Excuse me for one second," Kat says excusing herself.
-Ethan's perspective-
GOD, I can't do it. I can't be there for her. I did this to her. I can't just stay while she is hurting.
"Ethan what the fuck was that our friend is scared, hurt, and delivering a fucking baby, what's with the attitude," Kat says with no remorse for cursing.
"I just- Amy? Why aren't you in there with Y/n?" I say putting a halt in the middle of my sentence.
"Only the father and family are allowed in there, she is about to start pushing, I would stay in there but I couldn't," she says with sadness laced in her voice.
"I gotta get in there," I say pushing people trying to get in there.
"Ethan, it's no use, you aren't family," Kat says.
"I'm sure as hell not family because I was too scared to own up that I am the father of the baby, I'm just going to make things worse by being here, but I can't leave her by herself," I say as a nurse hearing our argument lets me in.
I just see blank faces from Amy and Kat before walking in. Did they know? Did they guess? They are probably thinking of how shitty of a person I am and I'm beginning to believe it too.
I walk over to Y/n's sweaty body wiping the hair back from her forehead. Without saying a word she holds my hand and crushes it. I swear contractions give women super strength.
She is crying, she is screaming, I can't do anything about it.
"Okay Ms. L/n, you ready?" She shakes her head no as the nurse puts an oxygen mask on her.
An hour has passed, and we hear, "I see the head,"
"Y/n, I love you," I whisper.
"Shut the fuck up, Ethan," She says as she starts pushing again.
Well... wrong timing to say something I was supposed to say a long long time ago.
Then. It goes quiet. As if the world is resting on this silence to go away, our hearts sink waiting to hear a cry.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Then a little sniffle and the crying begins. Our hearts are able to go back to a steady beat.
Riley Addison L/N was born, November 23rd, 2018 at 7:48 PM.
We saw her sweet little face for a moment only to be rushed to the NICU. Soon the gang files in.
"So speak up Nestor, why the actual fuck," Mark says.
"You are a dad, you have been a dad for 8 months and yet you refused to own up for that little baby girl and her strong mom?" Amy says walking over to Y/n.
"I was scared you guys, I didn't want to continue the big mess we made," I say hesitantly.
"Yeah I am scared as hell too but you don't see me disowning my daughter," Y/n says.
"Second, she is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, she is my daughter. Not a mess from one regretful night," she continues on.
"Y/n, I'm sorry, and I'm sorry to you guys for not telling you. I'm here, and I want to take the responsibility on. I'll quit youtube and find a better paying job. I'll put pictures of her in my wallet. I will love her to the ends of the earth like I still love you," About to go ballistic at me, the nurse comes in with Riley.
"She is just a little tiny, but everything is alright! She is a strong little girl like her mommy. Are you ready for some tummy time little girl?" The nurse says in a cutesy little tone as she lays Riley across Y/n's chest.
Everyone comes over and takes a glance at our little beauty. Adding commentary like Big yawn!
"Can everyone leave for a second so I can talk to Ethan in private?" She asks as everyone files out.
Just her and I.
"Ethan, I love you too. I never stopped but I need to do what is best for our daughter," I stop listening after that.
"Our daughter- That is the first time you said our daughter," I say tears welling up in my eyes.
"Well yeah, it takes two to tango but only one showed up for the party afterward," I see the pain in her eyes.
"Y/n, every step of your pregnancy, I had to watch knowing I messed up big time. Not because of Riley, but because I messed my chance up with you. I was so scared and I know you were even more scared than I was. You make a bond over the months you are pregnant. I don't have that. So what am I to her? Surely not a father figure. But the second I saw that cute little face and I heard her cry, I thought- Daddy is here, I wanted to jump into action to consul her,"
"Ethan, do you want to hold our daughter?" I nod wiping tears off my face.
She is so light.
"I'll protect you, baby girl. I can't promise I will be the best father, but I will try," I say to her looking up at Y/n.
"Let me think about it, she is my daughter too mind you," I nod in understanding.
The gang comes back into the room and each person holds her little body. Every once in a while I will walk up and fix her hat and her blanky.
Amy and Mark cried, Kat stared at her in amazement saying, "You made that!!" and Tyler, left for the gift shop and came back with a shirt on that says I'm an uncle and a bunch of teddy bears and flowers. He obviously cried too when holding her for the first time.
"So, Y/n! What is her name?" Amy asks.
"Riley Addison Nestor," She says with a smile then turning to me.
"If you walk out on us though, I'm suing you for child support," she points at me as I hold my hands up in resignation.
By this point in the night, it is just Y/n and Riley, who are both asleep, and I.
I kiss Y/n's forehead- for the girl, I never stopped loving.
I kiss Riley's forehead- for my daughter who has already stolen hearts.
I look down at them sleeping so peacefully.
Our baby is finally here, and our family is finally back together.
I could give about 30 reasons why I haven't updated but I'm not gonna bother. I love you all, hope you liked this!
Lots of love
-PH