||CHAPTER 52||
《¤》
Perplexity was a quaint emotion. It came in phases, the first one being self-questioning, you don't know if you're right. You keep on wondering whether you knew anything in the first place. The second stage was of strange, utter confusion, you don't know if the other person is right either. The third stage in of unsurity, where you figure out something is out of place, and the missing piece is almost in your grasp.
However, when Karan was able to grasp the piece, he wished he hadn't tried fixing the jagged edges; this puzzle was better off without its missing piece.
Silence reigned in its wake, and it had been so, for the past half an hour. Karan was able to swallow the fact, its digestion was another story. The three of us had occupied the three corners of the balcony upstairs. I couldn't look at him, and he wouldn't look up.
"Why is this not suprising?" He finally broke the silence, chuckling to himself. I had a hint about what he was referring to: me.
However, no one dared to reply to him. We were afraid, and we were treading on thin ice here.
"What do you want?" He gulped. He was smart, he didn't loom in the cluelessness.
"Karan, calm down," Vansh stood straighter. "Ye baath sirf hamare beech mein hai-"
"Are you fcuking kidding me?"
Rage had overpowered him, and a foreign feeling had hit home in the pit of my stomach.
"Do you even hear yourself? You guys..."
"Leave Vansh out of it," I finally dared to speak. "It was all me."
"Strange how I don't doubt that at all, you manipulative bitch!"
"Don't you dare call her that," Vansh bellowed.
Karan had gripped the railing, his fingers clenching around the cylindrical rod so tightly that his knuckles had turned white. He was breathing heavily. It was too cold.
Two boys had called me that tonight, and both had different senses laced to it. I smiled.
"Glad you see me the way I am, Karan," I shrugged. "Vansh, go inside."
"Why now, huh?" Karan turned to me. "Brave enough to drag him, and ruin our friendship? Be fcuking brave enough to drown him!"
I blinked, moving the hair out of my face.
"You," his index finger pointed at me, "I do not want to see your face from now on. Neither of you."
"For a person whose secret I know, you're dauntless to demand such a thing." And I should probably shut up.
"Arvika." It was Vansh this time. I could hear him, but I was capturing the anger, rage and the tinge of helplessness in Karan Bahl's eyes.
And strangely enough, I was reciprocating. The feeling in the pit of my stomach?
I later realised it was called guilt.
¿¤?
"Is this going to be a normal thing? Tu parties se itne jaldi kyoo aa jati hai?"
I didn't reply to her instantly as I entered my house. Arnav was still at the party, but I had called it a night.
"Is baar bhi khana achha nahi thha kya? Ratan se kehkar dinner lagwa du tere liye?"
"Nahi Daadi," I averted my gaze from her. "Bhookh nahi hai."
Making a beeline for my room, I closed the bathroom door behind me. Tears weren't even clouding my eyes. It was just the uncanny feeling that was clouding my chest, literally eating me alive. Turning on the tap, I splashed some water on my face.
Arvika Deewan never felt guilty.
But hell, if there was a feeling worse than guilt, it had been clawing on my insides like no tomorrow.
Hell, I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. I didn't even know if I reproached my old being or the one I was slowly becoming. I wasn't emotionless, but I was slowly becoming someone who wore emotions on her sleeves.
I hated both the versions.
"Puttar," Daadi was knocking on the door, "sab ttheek tho haina?"
I wanted to shout an yes, but I was busy explaining to myself why I was waiting for the tears to flow. Why I was hating myself. Why I was feeling guilty.
I turned on the shower to let her realise I might not have heard her. Eventually she did leave. This feeling didn't.
¿¤?
In the library, Armaan Qureshi sat with me to decribe the concept of complex numbers. True to its name, nothing about it seemed to be simple.
"No," he exclaimed, "this is the argand plane, Arvika."
I was worried he'd be giving up on my dumb brain soon enough, but after heaving a sigh, his optimist side was back. "Okay, let's do it this way. I suppose you remember the Cartesian Plane? X and Y axes...?"
I wanted to point out that by bringing in another mathematical concept in an already complex concept, he was stirring the pot of mayhem for me, but I didn't. I was too preoccupied.
"Uhm," he cleared his throat. "Arvika? Is everything okay?"
That was his staple question these days. I shrugged, I couldn't utter a fine without thinking about what I had done.
Manipulative bitch.
"It's math," I said to him. "How can anything be finer than this?"
Giving a slight nod, he laughed, "Sarcasm noted. Anyways, I think we should head back to the class. The warning bell rang a minute ago."
"Sure," I said. "You go, I need to check out a few books."
"Yeah, and you should join Comedy Circus. It would definitely be in profits then."
I punched him in the shoulder, but he complied nonetheless. "I was just suggesting, alright. Itna violent mat ho."
"Whatever," I bit back, watching him leave.
And then, finally released the breath I had been holding. This was not me. On rare occasions did I regret my choices, and I was definitely not regretting finding out Karan's history.
I was regretting the purpose I had as a driving force. Never claimed I was a good person, but this was a totally another level of self loathing I was delving into.
Gathering my books, I decided to leave the library and head to the classroom, where Karan had stopped cracking stupid jokes, and Vansh had gone into the silent mode. Even if anyone had sensed the tension, no one had asked about it.
Karan was leaving the Psychology classroom, and had spotted me. His face had turned into an ugly expression, one which used to pleasure my sadist self long ago. Now, I wasn't sure if I was numb anymore.
Behind him, Mr. Gaur had caught my eye too, but he went back inside his classroom just as quickly.
¿¤?
I was fixing my hair in the Girls Washroom, when Avni emerged out of the cubicle exactly behind me. "Hey."
I forced a smile for her greeting, "Sup?"
She stood beside me, turning on the tap. "The usual. Eleventh is stressing me out. What about you?"
"I'd cut-copy-paste your words," I said, pinning a few strands of my hair into place.
She giggled. "Can I ask you something?"
I raised my eyebrow, "Sure, but please don't ask anything related to academics, because I'm really dumb."
"Join my league," she waved it off. "So, uhm, not to sound like a boy-crazy teenager... but is Karan alright?"
I gulped, "Why don't you ask him that?"
"Trust me, I did. He seems to be in a pitchy mood."
I turned to her, placing my hand on her shoulder. "Tag him in dog-memes next time. He'll be alright."
Or will he?
"So he told you? About the cat memes?" She was embarrassed.
"Oops?" I gave her a sheepish grin. "But don't worry, if anything, he was riding his high horse when you kept him in your pedestal. Stop boosting his ego, girl!"
She laughed with me, "You know, excusing your whole bitchy first impression, you really are good to be around."
I wished I could tell her how differently her crush thought.
¿¤?
"Rajma hai," Arnav pointed my plate with his eyes. "Tera favourite. Fir chehra itna utra hua kyu?"
I stopped toying with my spoon to glance up. "Kuchh nahi."
"Kuchh tho hai... Are you stressed about tomorrow's class test?"
I didn't even know we were having one to begin with, "Yep. Maine kuchh nahi padha hai."
I glanced at his empty plate, and then back at mine.
"Don't even think about it, mera pet bhar chuka hai!"
"Apni pyaari behen ke liye itta sa bhi nahi karega?"
He snorted, standing up and walked to the kitchen. Emerging out, he informed me he'd be in his room if I needed his help studying.
And then I was alone again. So to maintain my sanity, I repeated his steps, and treaded to my room.
But then, I stopped. Arnav was in the balcony, talking to someone. In a hushed and worried tone.
I had an inkling about who it might have been on the receiving end, but I didn't want to believe my instinct.
I was leaning against his door when he came back, and was shocked to see me.
"Kaun tha, Arnav?"
He looked at me for a long while before clearing his throat. "Ritwik. Ritwik thha. Chemistry me doubt thha use."
Maybe it was the vulnerabilty in my voice that made him lie. Or maybe it was his indecisiveness.
Or maybe, he believed that I was a manipulative bitch, too.
_____
Namoshtaii!
Did anyone recognize Keith Mcwell in the previous chapter? No? Pls do not investigate further on that issue then. I'm begging you.
Also, how was your Diwali? All I did was try making rangolis w my neighbour. What we actually did was a masterpiece of a mess. It's still there, I'm sure the cleaners are still wondering what the hell it was supposed to signify xD
So a few days ago I requested an aesthetic for Arvika on Ethereal, a graphic shop by @N-infamous. They were amazing, make sure you check it out. The link is in my latest message board update, and you can also find it in my Reading list called 《《shooketh》》.
I was going to update yesterday, but then I then I saw the calendar, and realised Friday's the next day(!). So here I am. You can expect a Saturday update tomorrow, though.
Anyways, read, vote, comment and promote!
~emcee.