I returned to the party after I hung up with Michael, and of course the same feeling invaded me. It became a kind of habit now, to feel empty whenever I had to leave him. I wasn't completely comfortable with the idea of him taking this much place into my life, but I couldn't help it. The more I tried to push him out of my thoughts, the more I was hurting. Whenever I dared thinking about the possibility of him walking out of my life, shivers appeared on my entire body, and a weird feeling settled in my stomach, like I was going to be sick. Was the feeling here to stay? I couldn't know, of course, but it scared me to have someone like him in my life again. Someone I deeply cared for and who I feared to lose.
Ever since John left me, it had been hard for me to let people in again. I was frightened at the idea to feel the same way I felt after John left. This feeling of abandon, of being played. It's like he took my love and feelings, and threw them at me with a huge smile on his face. I expected him to have a hard time coping with the news, but that he would eventually accept it, but he never coped with it.
This is why I was frightened to see that Michael was taking this many room in my life, and most importantly, in my mind. But I couldn't control it, no matter how hard I tired to. It was impossible for me not to think about him, for random images would pop up in my head or voices would come to my mind against my will, at any time of the day. All of this seemed to be triggered by things I'd hear unconsciously, something I'd touch or lay my eyes on. It's like my senses were the key to my visions.
As I was waiting outside for Carl to come down and take us back home, I noticed Mrs. Northman in the distance, putting the kids in the car. I pushed my thoughts aside, and called after her. She turned around in a swift motion, and a smile appeared on her face when she realized I was walking towards her.
"Dr. Thames," she sighed happily, "I don't know how to thank you for everything you've done for Charlie," she sincerely told me, rubbing my shoulder gently. "Thank you. This means so much for him."
"It was my pleasure," I smiled, as Charlie's little brother started to get fussy in the child seat. "Someone looks agitated, huh?"
"Yes, Jamal wanted his big brother to come home, but he'll have to wait a couple of days more," she said, as she rubbed her son's hair gently, which made him even more angry. "I should probably go, he must be tired, his bedtime was two hours ago."
"You have a safe trip back home, alright?" I asked, and she just nodded with a smile, closing the back door. "I'll see you tomorrow," I smiled back.
"Oh, Hayley?" Charlie's mother called after me, and I turned around to look back at her. "If you have the chance to, would you thank Mr. Jackson again for what he did? I don't know if you have any means to contact him, but I'd like him to know how thankful we are."
"I did tell him already, but I will again if I have the chance to," I nodded, smiling slightly.
Of course I'd have the chance to thank him again, as I was seeing him during the weekend. I didn't want anybody to know, though. From what I understood Michael cherished his privacy more than anything else, so I wasn't going to jeopardize it.
"Hayley?" Carl called from behind me, as I was watching Mrs. Northman's car leave the parking lot. I turned around, and gave him a slight smile. "Are you ready to go home?"
"It's weird for you to call the loft home," I pointed out, which made him laugh. "Really though, I can't believe we're actually roommates."
"Do you have second thoughts about this?" he seriously asked, as we were walking side by side to his car.
"I don't. As long as you respect the rules, you can stay as long as you'd like," I reassured him, and he nodded his head in understanding. "You know what? I should write them down, like a kind of contract, and make you sign it. If you don't respect any of those rules, then I'll kick you out of my place," I said jokingly.
"Really? Come on, have a little trust in me," he argued, as we both got in the car. "I know I've been difficult with you ever since you started working for me, but I'm a changed man."
"Trusting people is one tough thing for me," I muttered, before I focused on Carl again. "It's just that, you did tell me things that made me clearly understand that you wanted to have your way with me."
"I did, but now I realized that having you as my friend matters much more than having my way with you," he explained, all serious, as we stopped at a firelight. "I can have pretty much anybody I want in my bed, but when it comes to loyalty and friendship, I only trust a few people with whom I can be myself, and show the other side of me nobody knows. You're one of them. And by them I mean both of my parents."
I was quite taken aback by Carl's sudden sincerity and heart-warming words, so much that I didn't know what to respond. It was rare for him to lay himself bare the way he did. In a small amount of time, I got to meet a totally new Carl Meyers. He put his bad boy attitude aside, only to make more room for the person he truly is.
"I'll try to trust you then," I simply said after some long awkward seconds. "Sorry, I'm just not used to the new you yet."
He chuckled at this, "I understand. I just hope you'll get used to it soon. There's so many things you don't know about me yet."
"I know that you told me you were a great cook, so I'm expecting you to cook something for me, Meyers," I smartly answered, and he chuckled yet again.
"Deal, I'll cook for you tomorrow night. I'd have cooked for you this weekend, but I'm going to Philly to pay visit to my parents and sister."
I nodded with a smile, as a little weight was taken off of my shoulders. I was relieved to know that I wouldn't have to lie to Carl about my plans for the weekend, since he wouldn't be at the loft as well. I was still debating with my inner self about who I should tell, though. I wanted to tell Alice and Grams so bad, so that they can advise me on how to act with Michael. I knew Alice would freak out and get excited about all of this, but on the contrary, I was afraid my grandmother would try to make me change my mind about it.
Grams was always very protective when it came to me since my parents passed away. I've seen a lot of things through my life, and she always tried to make my life a little better as years go by. Never did I ignore her advice, or sabotage her education. I respected her way too much for that, and I didn't want to cause her any more pain. She lost her only child, my father. Things aren't supposed to be that way. Parents are usually the first ones to leave, not the other way around.
But this time, I felt like I needed to do this. Something in my guts told me that it was the right thing to do, that I could make Michael's life better, and that somehow, he could make mine better as well. I could feel it already. Before I met him, I wasn't able to tell people that I was okay and actually mean it. But he changed that about me. For the first time in a long time, I meant it. I am okay.
***
As usual, I was up even before my alarm clock went off, and took advantage of the extra time I had to write in my journal. I sat by the window, as I always do, and looked into the distance, where the sun was slowly rising, and smiled at the sight before my eyes. After a few seconds of staring the scenery, I opened my diary and started scribbling on a new page.
February 13th, 1991
Dear Diary,
It had been years since I didn't feel that way. It's been so long that I almost forgot how pleasing this feeling was when it invades you. And the reason of this newly found feeling of happiness has only one name, his. I would have never believed that I would write something like that one day. Everything seems so unreal, but at the same time it feels... right. Before this past month, I was just waiting on life to go by, I was blasé, passive. Since Michael walked into my life, he turned it upside down, he gave me a purpose, something to make me love life again. By saving him, I am saving myself. Was it the purpose of all of this?
Of course, I have so many frustrations when it comes to all of those questions that would stay unanswered. I wish I could find someone, someone like me, who has the knowledge to enlighten me about this gift that has been given to me.
There has to be someone, I can't be the only one.
I put my pen down, and closed my journal. I put it on my lap, and laid my head on the wall behind me. I stayed like this for a few minutes, my mind wandering from a thing to another. At some point, I came to think about my mother and my father, and wondered what they would have thought about my situation. I smiled at the memory of my overprotective dad. He always made sure to meet my friends before letting me go out of the house with them. He would never let anyone hurt me in any way. I was luck to have a father like him who always made sure I lacked nothing. Thinking about those happy memories made me believe that my parents would have wanted to meet Michael before I do anything for him, to make sure he was not the person the media claims he is.
I smiled at my own thoughts, trying to keep my melancholy away. It hurt every time I thought about the both of them, for the guilt always followed close behind the sadness. But this time, these feelings didn't win. I decided I would keep smiling at the happy memory that crossed my mind at that instant.
I shook my head slightly, and stood up from my favorite spot. I took a quick glance at the clock on my nightstand, and headed to the bathroom to start my morning routine with a relaxing hot shower.
***
The chatting of two people in the kitchen put a frown on my face. I wrapped a towel around my wet body and hair, and opened the bathroom's door. My eyes widened and a wave of panic washed over me as I recognized Alice's voice. And Carl's.
"Holy shit," I cursed under my breath, as I was afraid things would go bad if they started to argue. I knew how much Alice hated his guts for what he did to her in the past.
I closed the door and sped up things a little. I put my clothes on in record time, skipped the blow-drying hair step, and came down. The scenery before my eyes got me all confused. Alice and Carl were both chatting around a cup of coffee, without yelling, without breaking things.
"Uh, Al?" I cut them off by calling my best friend in an unsure voice. "How long have you been there?"
"Hey," she smiled sweetly. "Around twenty minutes. I brought coffee."
I frowned some more, and looked in Carl's direction. They both seemed relaxed and okay with each other's presence. I sat at the end of the table, Carl was on my right, and Alice was on my left. "Can someone explain? I'm a little confused right now," I admitted, taking the cup of coffee Al brought for me in my hands.
"You weren't there when Alice came in, so I told her you were getting ready upstairs. Then one thing led to another and we got to chat," Carl explained, shrugging. "I didn't expect this conversation to go that well, to be completely honest."
"I just figured I had to move on, and forget about the past if you guys are going to be friends," Alice added, and Carl nodded his head, agreeing. "We didn't want you to make a choice. You should be able to have us both as friends without drama."
"We're okay now," Carl gave me a toothless smile, before he looked in Alice's direction. "I'll make things right to make it up to Alice now."
A grin appeared on my face as I watched my two friends bury the hatchet. Alice had a little smile on as well, and all I wanted was to give her a hug. I knew how she felt for Carl, and all I was hoping was that being his friend wouldn't be painful for her. I hoped she would be okay, and that they would both be able to be friends again.