The rest of the weekend passed without me seeing any more of my friends. Not only was I in a slump, I had now made everything irreversibly awkward between Jason and I, Lucas and I, and Jason and Lucas.
There was no way to rectify it, so I had decided to stay in my house all weekend, binge eating ice cream with my mom.
"It's weird that you haven't seen your friends since Friday," my mom said. "Did you guys get into a fight? Spill the tea, sister!"
"Mom," I cringed. "Please. Never, ever, ever, ever, and I cannot emphasize this enough, ever say that again."
"Sorry," she said. "I'm just trying to relate to the youths, such as yourself."
"It's not working."
"Ugh, fine. What's wrong, though?"
I debated whether or not I should talk to her about my problems. My initial instinct was to shut her out and suffer in solitude, but I decided to push that aside for today. Maybe she would have good advice, maybe she would tell me what I would do, and maybe this could bring us a little closer.
"Okay, well... I'm in a bit of a... situation right now."
"Oooh, a situation. That sounds intriguing. Go on."
"Okay, well say there are two guys-"
"Oh my god, are you in a love triangle?"
"Mom, can you just let me finish?"
"And I oop-"
"Mom!"
"Sorry, sorry. I'm just excited that you're telling me. Continue."
"Okay, well there are two guys who are... friends. There was kind of something between me and both of them, but neither will do anything about it," I explained.
"Why won't either do anything?" she asked.
"Well, one just doesn't want to go there with me because he doesn't think I'll reciprocate. The other one won't do anything because he knows Guy #1 likes me."
My mom paused pensively for a second. "Do you want my honest opinion?"
"Yes."
"They both sound like little bitch boys," my mom said.
I burst out laughing. "What?"
"I mean it!" she defended herself. "Like, they need to man up and go for what they want if they really want it."
"But it's more complicated than that. There are actual feelings involved."
"Well, do you know which one of them you like?"
"This sounds selfish but... I could see something with both of them. But at the same time, I have no idea if I actually do. I don't know what I want at all. Have you ever felt that?"
"Of course I have. It's hard to know."
"It doesn't even matter, because nothing can happen without one of their feelings being hurt."
She nodded. "I understand that. But there are consequences to every decision you make in life; you and these boys just need to think about if hurting someone's feelings is going to be worth it in the end."
"But it's so easy for you to say that. You never had anyone to worry about someone else when you were first falling for Dad."
She chuckled, a surprisingly sad sound that I didn't expect. "I wish that was true, sweetie. There was always someone else at the beginning but..." She took a deep breath, steadying herself. "But sometimes you have to think about your future, your forever. I couldn't picture a life without your dad. He is my forever in away the other guy just couldn't be for me."
I had to physically stop my jaw from dropping at the fact that my mom was telling me something about herself, something I never knew before. Another guy? My curiosity was spiked.
"Who was he?
She smiled sadly. "My best friend. We grew up together and..."
I watched as her eyes glazed over a bit and she stared off into the distance as she trailed off. She seemed to be lost in memories of a different time, nostalgia clear in her features.
"Mom?" I said, trying to get her to continue.
Immediately she snapped out of it. "Sorry. I mean, my situation was completely different than yours. Anyway, what are you going to do about those boys now?"
She was trying to deflect from talking about herself anymore, but I was insistent on knowing as much as I could.
"How are our situations different?"
"Just trust me, not the same at all," she said quickly.
"Yeah but how?"
"It doesn't really matter, sweetie."
"It does to me."
"Leila, I don't want to talk about it."
"Why not?"
She took a deep breath. "Please, Leila. I can't do this right now."
"Well when can you?" I snapped. "In all sixteen years of my life it seems like you can never talk to me about anything."
Her eyes widened and she reached out for my hand, which I hastily pulled away. "Sweetie, I didn't know you felt that way. I just..." She took another deep breath. "I don't-"
"Is there any pistachio ice cream left, or did you two finish it all?" my dad's voice interrupted as he came down the stairs, completely unaware of what he'd just walked into.
I stifled my groan of annoyance. Now the opportunity to find out more about my mom's weirdly secretive life was gone, and there was hardly anything I could do about it. I brushed off my annoyance, telling myself it was a good sign that she had told me this much in of itself. This was by far the most information I'd ever gotten out of her.
They had been best friends, she'd said. Just like Jason and Lucas and I, their friendship seemed to have blossomed into more than that. Our situations were a lot more similar than she thought.
I wondered where this best friend of hers had went. He wasn't in our lives, and I wondered if her choosing my dad had ended a whole childhood friendship. The thought of that scared me. If I chose Jason or Lucas, would I lose the other for good, too?
The buzzing of my cellphone broke me out of my thoughts, and I excused myself from my parents and answered as I headed up the stairs to my bedroom.
"Hey," Lucas's voice said through the line. "How are you doing?"
The moment he spoke, I realized how much I'd missed talking to him over the past two days. Lucas was someone I went to for everything, a constant crutch in my life that I leaned on heavily.
"I'm... I'm sorry," I blurted out, thinking of our last interaction at Brad's party where I'd kind of flirted with him. "About the other night... I don't know why I... I just... The alcoho-"
"Lei," Lucas chuckled. "It's okay. Don't be sorry."
"I am sorry-"
"We both know I want you. There's no point pretending otherwise, is there?"
I paused, not knowing what to say to that. He was right, but this was the first time Lucas had actually outright acknowledged his feeling for me. And now that he had, my brain was drawing a complete blank on what I was supposed to say.
He brushed off my silence and continued. "Have you seen Jason recently?"
Again, my brain drew a blank. Why was Lucas asking about Jason? Had Jason told him about what happened (or didn't happen) between us? Was Lucas mad at me?
"Leila?" Lucas said after my silence continued for too long a second time.
"Not since the night of Brad's party," I responded, trying to keep the worry out of my voice.
"Oh, okay. And he got home safe that night and everything?"
"Yeah, he was fine. He went to sleep and everything was good."
"Okay, good to hear. Have you talked to him since?"
"No," I said. "Why? Have you?"
"No, I haven't. I was just wondering," Lucas said a little too quickly.
I wanted to know why he was asking, but I didn't want to reveal that I'd tried to make Jason kiss me, so I didn't press any further.
"Addy hasn't answered my texts," I told him.
I heard his tired sigh on the other end of the line. "She hasn't been doing much. She's been pretty down since the party."
"Is it because of the thing with Brad during Truth or Dare?"
"It's probably a very big part of it," Lucas said. "I'm sorry you're in the middle of this situation. Brad is the biggest piece of shit I've ever seen, and I wish I could just ban Addy from talking to him anymore."
"I don't get how she still is! He treats her like shit!" I said, furious at his behavior.
"The less he wants her, the more she wants him. I wish I could make her see that she's better than this."
"Me too," I said. "Do you think I should come over and talk to her for a bit? Or will I just make things worse?"
"Honestly, I think it'll make her feel worse. Just give her time. And I'm here for her, so don't worry."
"You're a great brother, Lukey," I said. "And a great friend. I don't know if I tell you that enough."
"You don't have to, Lei. We're friends, this is what we do for each other. We take care of each other."
Of course I agreed that that was what friends did, but what he said made me wonder if any of us took care of Lucas like we should. What did we do for him? I couldn't think of anything, yet I could think of hundreds of ways he's been there for us.
The only thing one of us had actually done for Lucas was Jason rejecting me. Though it had hurt me severely, I finally understood why Jason had done it. It was his way of taking care of Lucas, who asked for so little but did so much.
"Leila?"
"Yeah?"
"You know I just want you to be happy, right? And I don't care how that happens or what makes you happy, as long as you are."
"I know, Lukey. I just want you to be happy, too. I'm sorry I couldn't do that for you."
"I don't need you like that to be happy, Lei," he said, his voice oddly serene. It made me feel at peace. "Over everything, you're always going to be my best friend forever."