She stared at the photo of him in her yearbook that lay open on her bed. Na Ri traced the outline of Chan's face with her finger, admiring his pale complexion that was nearly the same colour as the white backdrop behind him.
It had been two long hard months since Chan died, leaving her behind to pick up the pieces of her life that seemed to be lost. She missed him with every breath she took, every step she travelled and in every silence that passed. Nothing had been the same since he'd left her, nothing made sense anymore. He consumed her every thought. He was all she thought about, all she ever saw when she shut her eyes. She knew her decision was the right one, it was the only way to stop the aching she felt inside.
She closed the yearbook, not wanting to think of the fact that the only signature she wanted in it would never be there. Na Ri placed the book in her suitcase before zipping it up with a sigh. She needed distance, she needed to get away from the constant reminders of him that would haunt her whenever she walked past convenience stores or parks or even schools. He was everywhere yet nowhere at all.
Every night she saw him but he wasn't how she remembered him. Instead of his bright smile and warm eyes all she saw was him laying on the floor kicking and screaming for help, his face bruised and blood gushing out of the gash on his head. She had the same nightmare every night since Dongwoo's confession was made public. She could never shake the image of Dongwoo repeatedly smashing Chan's head onto the concrete ground.
A light knock sounded from her bedroom door before her father's head popped around it. "I thought we agreed to keep this door open?" He raised an eyebrow at her. She didn't react, not that he expected her to, she had barely spoken since Chan's death. He couldn't help but worry about the safety of his only daughter. It was obvious she hadn't taken the news well, she rarely ate, she didn't sleep and she spent most of her time sitting in silence while staring at walls.
"We'll be leaving in an hour so make sure you packed what you want." He said softly, watching as she stared at her feet. Na Ri waited for him to leave before she allowed her silent tears to spill down her face. She hated leaving her dad behind but she couldn't expect him to leave his life and come to London with her. For a brief moment she wished she'd never come here. She hated Chan for making her feel this way but she hated herself more for not being there for him when he needed someone. She should never have left his house in a bad mood that night, maybe then he wouldn't have gone. Maybe then he'd still be here.
The doorbell downstairs rang, sending a short musical tune throughout the house. Na Ri wiped at her tears with the sleeve of her hoodie, nervous in case it was another visit from a classmate to check on her which would make it the sixth one just this week alone.
She wished they'd all just leave her alone. She didn't want their pity or sympathy. They didn't care when he was alive so why should they care now that he isn't.
News of Na Ri's departure to England had travelled around the community fast. People always whispered whenever she'd pass by them, surely gossiping about the tragedy that had struck her life.
"Na Ri?" Her father called from downstairs as he always did when someone would visit. "Mrs. Bang is here." He continued, sparking an interest in Na Ri. She had been meaning to visit Chan's family before she left but a part of her was reluctant. What if she was just a painful reminder to them? What if they were a painful reminder to her?
"Morning." She greeted Na Ri once she got to the door but it wasn't in her usually cheerful tone. Na Ri bowed and muttered a greeting in reply but neither of the two were the same people they once were. Na Ri's dad left the pair to talk alone but he couldn't help but wonder why she would suddenly visit. There were so many things he didn't understand about the last few months of his daughter's life but he didn't know how to approach her. She wouldn't speak of Chan, Bo Ra or what happened the night he died. It was as though none of it ever happened.
"How have you been?" Mrs. Bang asked softly, offering a warm smile. "It's been hard. I hope you've been doing well. It's a difficult time right now but I'm sure it gets easier." Na Ri replied but she was finding it hard to have belief in her own words. "I was in Channie's room the other day and I found something." Mrs. Bang held out an envelope with Na Ri's name scribbled across the front.
"I think this was meant for you and I heard you were leaving soon." She glanced up at Na Ri, tears welling in her eyes at the last link to her son's relationship that remained.
Na Ri took the letter, grasping it tightly as though her life depended on it. A wave of sadness overcame her as Chan's writing came into her vision. "I thought you should have it." Mrs. Bang smiled sadly as she watched the girl fondly gaze at the letter.
"Thank you." Na Ri muttered, her throat running dry. So many thoughts ran through her mind but she chose to focus on the paper in her hand. She wanted to cry, to scream and yell, to fall asleep and never wake again but she refused to do that. Na Ri refused to fall apart in front of the woman who lost her oldest son.
"I wish you the best in London. Chan would be so so proud of you. You've done so much for him." She placed a hand on Na Ri's shoulder. "Thank you." She said loudly, a sincere look in her eye. She was grateful Chan had met someone like Na Ri. Someone so persistent to remain a part of her stubborn son's life.
Na Ri on the other hand felt regretful. There were so many things she wished they done. Just one more tutoring session, one more hug, one more kiss, just one first date. It all seemed so unfair. Where did Bo Ra go? Why has nothing happened to her? Why isn't Dongwoo charged with murder yet? Why did this happen to Chan?
"Thank you for being so welcoming to me." Na Ri smiled a real smile for the first time since his death. Despite how hard she was finding it she could find salvation in Mrs. Bang's warm aura.
"I should go now. I'm sure you're busy getting ready to go. If you ever find yourself in Korea please drop by." She took a step back, preparing to leave. Na Ri watched as the short woman walked away from the house, leaving her with the sinking feeling she had momentarily forgot.
Once closing the front door she rushed upstairs to her room, quickly shutting the door behind her as her fingers fumbled with the envelope, desperate to tear it open. She heard something drop to the floor suddenly. Looking down she spotted a black USB with a Kangaroo keyring attached to it. She couldn't avoid the smile that tugged at her lips as she bent down to pick it up, fondling the keyring in her hand before inserting the device into her laptop.
She wasn't scared or nervous. She felt ready. She was prepared for whatever awaited her but once the USB loaded and the files appeared her heart began to throb. Nothing could truly prepare her for the four file titles that were showing on her laptop screen.
She clicked on the first one entitled 'The letter'. Na Ri wasn't sure as to what this was about but none of that matter once his face appeared on her screen, taking her breath away.
"Hi, Na Ri. If you're watching this then I guess that means things have been going well between us. I've debated for many nights now on how to tell you the truth, how to admit my wrongdoings to you in a way that wouldn't destroy us but I feel like saying it to your face is something I'll never be able to do." He began, a sad look in his eyes as he fiddled with a piece of paper in his hands.
Na Ri's eyes began to well with tears but she refused to pause the video in fear of bursting into tears.
He brought the paper to meet his gaze, holding it firmly in front of him before he began to recite it.
"October 14th 2015
To Chan,
You were my best friend. You were there through so many things, good and bad. I feel regretful towards you. I know I left you. I disappeared. I'm sorry that I focused more on my relationship than on our friendship. I'm sorry for forgetting to turn up to plans we made. I'm sorry for keeping you in the dark about my life. I'm sorry for avoiding you.
Today, on the rooftop, I wanted to apologise. I wanted to fix things. I feel awful for all that I've done to you. I feel even worse that it's only now that my relationship is falling apart that I realise what great a friend I've lost.
I can't blame you for not forgiving me. I can't blame you for yelling at me to go away or for you telling me you hate me. You didn't know what I was going through or the thoughts in my head so it isn't fair to blame you. You were my last hope, Channie. I wanted you to save me in my own selfish way yet here I am at 10PM writing this on a bus as I prepare to end my misery.
I hope that in reading this my true feelings will be here for you to see. I hope you won't remember me as the crying boy on the rooftop begging you to fix my problems. I hope you won't blame yourself for my actions. When you told me that I could die and you wouldn't care - it hurt but it isn't what caused any of this. Please remember that. Please remember me.
I love you, Channie."
Chan had began to cry as he read the letter aloud, the full story of October 14th coming to light. Na Ri couldn't begin to even comprehend the pain Chan must have felt to learn In Ho had tried to kill himself not long after they had seen each other.
"I hope this won't change anything between us. I wish I could just tell you everything that happened on October 14th but I can't even remember. My emotions got the better of me. I just remember saying harsh things that I'm ashamed of. Please Na Ri, don't let this change your opinion of me." Chan placed the letter down on the table, before looking directly at the camera. "I'm still your Channie." Suddenly the camera cut off and the screen turned black.
Na Ri sat in silence for a moment, collecting her thoughts. Why would this change anything? Chan was still Chan. Nothing would ever change her feelings for him. Not even a mistake he made as a teenager.
She clicked on the next file but whatever part of her heart was still alive quickly sank at the name. 'My Purpose.'
She didn't know what to expect but Chan appeared, smiling while sitting behind a keyboard. The sight made her heart flutter and butterflies rush to her stomach.
"Feeling like I'm breathing my last breath. Feeling like I'm walking my last steps." Chan began to sing in perfect English, causing goosebumps to arise on her skin. His beautiful voice accompanied with the keyboard were her new favourite sound.
"You give me purpose everyday. You give me purpose in every way."
Tears began to stream down her face as the song continued to play, each note sounder sweeter than the last.
Every line relating more and more to how she feels about him. By the end of the song her lap was stained with her tears and her vision was blurry, Chan's curly blonde hair becoming hazy.
The video ended and Na Ri was left staring at her complexion on the screen. She took a deep breath, attempting to regain her posture before clicking on the next video file which was untitled.
"I don't know where to begin but the main point is probably a start. I love you, Kim Na Ri. I don't know when or how it started but I do. I guess I've always known that you were more than just some classmate, some annoying girl that followed me around. I started to miss you when you weren't around. I'd look for you in the hallways at school or I'd watch you in classes without you noticing. If you don't believe me then I have proof but I'll show you that later on." Chan smiled up at the camera, his dimples showing.
Na Ri felt an aching in her chest as he ran a hand through his curly mop of hair.
"I hated you with Jungsoo. I wanted you to only focus on me and promise I'll always be here for you. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you I love you today in my room. It's not that I didn't love you then, I did. I just wanted to find the right timing to say it in a way that didn't seem like I was saying it because you had."
Chan made a heart gesture with his hands before closing his eyes and tilting his head to the side. "I love you." He said in a cutesie voice, causing Na Ri to erupt into laughter at his aegyo attempt.
Chan began to laugh too as his face burned a right shade of red. "I'm never doing that again so be thankful it's recorded." He smirked, waving his finger at the camera.
"My final point is something I should've asked a few days ago but didn't find the courage to do so. Na Ri, will you please please please be my girlfriend?" Chan made a finger heart before the video cut out, leaving Na Ri in a pool of her own tears as she thought back to the last time she saw Chan.
There was one file left and if Na Ri's heart wasn't already shattered, it was now.
Picture after picture showed up on her screen, each one different from the last. She'd never noticed Chan ever taking her photo but dozens of images of Na Ri sitting in class, chewing on a pen, looking out the window and even looking back at him flashed across her screen. She could see the adoration in her own eyes as she looked back at him. Chan had captured the essence of her love for him perfectly.
The last image to show was the selfie he had taken of them on the night he died. The reminder that Chan was gone played in her mind. The room seemed to grow smaller as she let out a wail, falling onto a heap on the floor and bursting into hysterical tears as the slideshow continued on her laptop.
Why did things end this way? Why was life so cruel to him?
She sat up, determined to stop her tears. She had to be strong. She needed to for her own sanity but it was hard when everything had faded.
"Na Ri, we need to get ready to leave!" Her dad yelled from downstairs. She stood up, adjusting her outfit in the mirror before nodding to herself and slinging her rucksack over her shoulder.
This was it. This was the end of one chapter of her life, a chapter in which she wasn't ready to close but she had no other choice. Chan was her everything and now he was gone.
"Goodbye." She muttered to the picture on her laptop of the boy she adored.
"I'll see you soon."
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-NOT PROOFREAD-
So this is it. There will be no alternative ending as I feel that would defeat the purpose of the story. (If you're from the present day you will see that Freya from the past has contradicted herself by writing an alternative ending)
Thank you for the 55K reads! There will be an authors note posted soon which will be my FINAL thank you and will also contain the background into on Faded and you guys can pick my future works that you might be interested in.
Sorry this is so long, it was hard to decide on the ending scene lol.