"I'll get your stuff," James smiles at me as he looks at his suitcases. I nod slowly, knowing Britt had already packed my stuff for me while Brad was in class.
It had been two days since I last spoke to Brad and James had suggested him and I swapping dorms since I couldn't think about looking at Brad right now. I felt as though my heart would break even further.
"Thank you," I give him a faux smile. "It's really nice of you to do this."
"It's fine! It's gonna be nice to have a lad as a roommate," he smiles reassuringly to me and soon enough all my stuff is in this dorm and Britt is helping me unpack it.
Britt and I had finally started becoming best friends again and right now I needed it the most. With exams in the next few days and me not speaking to Brad, having someone to rant to was going to be nice.
The thought facing Brad right now made my insides twist. I had finally accepted how I felt for him, he said the whole speech and then he said that to his friends. I wasn't sure if I believed the boy standing on the balcony or the boy sat under the bleachers.
"I've got class now," Britt says first thing in the morning. I didn't sleep that well and usually I'd cuddle up with Brad but I couldn't do that anymore. "Are you gonna be okay?"
"Yeah, I'll be fine," I say back in a quiet voice. She gives me a double take before grabbing her jacket and leaving. I wrap my sheets around me tighter until my alarm goes off and I need to get ready for class.
Reluctantly, I roll myself out of bed and shower quickly before changing into some skinny jeans and a crop top. I didn't even know I owned them until now.
I grab my bag filled with my coursework and books and make my way out of the dorm. The dorm was on the first floor while the other one that Brad's staying in is on the second floor.
I have my earphones blasting music loudly into my ears as I make my way to the lecture hall. I was trying to block off everything in the world because I didn't want to hear people talking about their amazing lives and amazing friends and amazing relationships when my life felt like utter shit.
I shouldn't feel this way over a boy.
Class goes by achingly slowly and I end up finishing my coursework before handing it to my teacher for the exam earlier than most people. The teacher was thankful and puts it on their desk before I leave for the library.
I hold some sheets in my hands but they fall to the floor as I knock into someone and I let out an aggravated sigh.
"Could this shitty fucking week get any fucking worse?" I growl under my breath as I pick up my sheets quickly. The person I had bumped into just stood there with their phone in there hand and I look up to see the last person I want to see right now. "Yes, yes it could."
Brad looks up from his phone and his features instantly fall. He had bags under his eyes and his hair just fell, he hadn't done anything with it except run his hands through it clearly. He almost looked as bad as I did.
"Margo—!"
I turn on my heel and leave him, even though I needed to go the opposite way. My heart was beating erratically in my chest and my throat had seized up.
The thought of talking to Brad was scary because I could just imagine myself crying and being vulnerable in front of him but I wanted to be the strong girl I always painted myself as.
Brad Simpson was not going to make me weak.
♡
"You okay?" Britt glances over from her laptop to me and I nod quickly, brushing my hair slowly as I sit on my bed. I had some books spread across the sheets that I needed to read over for my exams which were in a few days but I couldn't bring myself to it.
I wanted to go to a party and get drunk but Britt told me that it was a bad idea so close to exams so I had no choice but to stay in and study instead.
"You shouldn't lie to me," she closes her laptop lid and pushes it to the side. I roll my eyes and lean against the headboard of my bed. "Do you miss him? Brad, I mean?"
I turn to her with a dumbfounded look, "duh."
"Hey, I was only asking!" She smiles, putting her hands up in defence. "If you miss him then why don't you try talking to him?"
"Because I'll cry," I admit, truthfully. "I would cry and I'd hate myself for crying over a guy. I love him, I really do, and I'd do anything to not hear what he said to his friends but it hurt, you know? I've never been stabbed before but that's what I imagine it feels like. It's awful, Britt."
She nods, "I know how you feel. I loved Thomas. And sometimes you have to let people go that you love."
"I don't want to let Brad go, I want him in my life. I want to cuddle him whenever I want to and to kiss him and talk shit about everyone to him. I didn't want this to happen."
She frowns, "then talk to him."
"I can't right now," I counter. "I'm still upset and I'm hurt. How am I meant to trust anything he says when he said he used me to his friends, lie or not? Every time I've done anything intimate with anyone it turns out they're just fucking using me and I don't want to be treated like an object. I just need a while to think even though I want to forgive him right now."
"Okay, Margo," she lets out a sigh of defeat.
Without another word, she picks up her laptop and starts typing away on it with her lips pursed as she concentrated. I shift some revision papers around on my bed and try studying for a bit but my mind is so full up with my mixed feelings and sad mindset that I find it hard to concentrate on anything.
Within a few hours of me trying not to cry in front of my friend and staring at books and sheets laying out on the bed, we decide to call it a night.
I knew tonight was going to be like the past few, where I wouldn't sleep properly. The first couple nights before I moved in to the new dorm was awkward enough since Brad didn't come back until he thought I was asleep and I was out of the door before he could even crack an eye open. I avoided him like the plague.
My mind has been so active with all the different thoughts my whole pattern had changed. I no longer ate everything in sight and I rarely got to sleep because it was the last thing on my mind.
I lay facing the ceiling until my phone buzzes once on the nightstand. I glance over to it, not sure who it is considering I don't have any friends besides Britt now. Hesitantly, I reach over and grab my phone, seeing my lock screen light up with a single message.
I miss you so much. Please come back.
unedited.