A/ N Note:
- This gonna be about one of Jack's egos, a.ka Chase Brody
Trigger warning :
* Depression
* Suicidal thoughts
* Self harm.
Have fun on reading!🙂
( Chase's P.O.V)
My heart dropped when I heard them.. I wasn't allowed to see them. Even if I didn't anything bad to them. I tried my best and my life depended only on my family. Well, I always wanted to make them feel safe.
But now.. They were gone. My heart bleeded silently out and the pain was almost like it got broken. Not like seriously as a real thing, but the pain captured my heart and the feeling kicked in. I knew what was gonna happen. My mind started to run like crazy. I looked at the wall. It was nothing I felt. The claws got so deep into my soul so that I didn't cared if something was gonna happen to me.
I lived.. but without any joy. It was always the same thing. The same words I heard all over again. But it didn't got better, I started to dig deeper into the worst feeling. It took my joy from the existence right away. I felt useless. I could just watch people go and come by.. But there was nothing interesting about it. I got bored because I already could figure what the person thought just by their expression.
The sound of footsteps. I heard my name and I kinda didn't knew who called me. I wanted to be left alone. My pain grew into a invisible monster. It ate my soul piece by piece, and the anxiety just popped out. I standed up, but everything was blurry. My heart raced a marathon when I started to walk. I had a obsession that someone could watch me. I saw their faces and the only one thing I could think was..
What was on their mind? I knew that something was up. The stares seemed to be angled at me. Everyone thought that the woman told the truth. But I wouldn't never hit a kid! She wanted only my money and I felt so done when it ended. There were no more fights. Yeah, people say every couple fought. But it was like she found any reason to scream at me. Well after the first kid we were already on the border line to break up. I never thought that she would blame me..
I loved my kids but she just got annoyed when I acted childish. I always had this trait and I didn't saw it as a problem but my loved one had a big issue with that innocent trait of my personality. The kids loved it and I had a very good relationship with them..
Even if I had a mess in my own mind. It all seemed pointless, and I didn't knew how to stop it. I failed a lot things even if I broke my own borders to give the best. When I still failed, I felt sad. I had to cry, and I truly cried my soul out. The tears filled my eyes when I realised what for a mistake was I. I lost my job and I started to record videos, and to be exact challenges. But I never really got any attention. I tried everything.
I tried to be funny when I wanted to shout my soul out, and when I wanted to throw things out. But the videos were like... Nothing for people? Every else video I uploaded got just ignored. The moment I realised it.. I got rid of my computer. I had only my phone but I didn't had any social medias. I had so bad anxiety and even a little thing triggered me. It only needed a bit of the trigger to make me feel anxious. I didn't contacted anyone anymore. Because people never cared..
Until you had friends- but friends? I had them. Well before I got the issue with her I had a lot of support. But they left. They lied and as soon they were gone I felt like I was gonna end it. I tried to think about how to end the slow torture that I had. When I woke up ...I never felt happy about the next day. I looked at the TV for a moment and my first thought in the morning was " Oh. I still am alive".
I never cheered the moment when I had to get up. I had no job and no future. It everything was like it never existed. And the deeper I got into the thought I could lose my kids the more I started to think about the end of my life. I didn't mattered to anyone if I would leave..
World didn't needed someone like me. I loved my life. But now I hated it, since I could see how much flaws I had. I walked and saw a mirror. I saw it. In the eyes - there was just deep numbness. I couldn't see any expression on my face before I headed out. I always kept my emotions hidden and never told anyone of my issues.
I wanted to die. I wished for the day to get enough braveness. I was desperate to break free from my pointless body and life. There were no reason to stay. I had no perspective for anything..
I walked back home and I took the knife. I cutted into my skin and I felt a short pain. It was a bit uncomfortable but when I did it I felt free from my own dark mind. I got my relief...but not for a long time. Now I started to feel the blood. It came so fast out and I watched it with a weak smile. I deserved it. My life..? What life?!
I already felt dead inside. I asked myself one thing..
If I lived, then why I felt so dead? The demons in my head could take my soul anytime. When I realised I could get a depression, I didn't told it to my doctor. I got just a suspection, because I was tired. There was no fun in anything that I had done. Not even in playing games. But...
Would it make sense when I would leave? I knew it didn't. And I knew self harm was dumb but I didn't felt anything. I lost my feeling for a seconds in the place where now was gonna be a wound. The blood turned slowly dark when it stopped. I finally could hide it away. I tried to not focus on the pain.
I felt the skin burn. It was a burn, which made me high sensitive when someone touched me. It was so deep, and so strong that I didn't cared if something else happened. I enjoyed the moment when I was free. Free from the thoughts which tried to catch me in a trap. I looked away, every time when someone came around. I wanted to change my life..
But there was no way out. I didn't knew what to do. I breathed heavily when I realised where it headed.. I knew I had to do something. I avoided every damn question. When people touched me in the area, where I made the scar, I felt instant pain. But I kept it away. I didn't started to cry.
My mind screamed it out at me. I heard it saying" It's your fault!". And I broke down. I ended up feeling like I had to cry. It hurted me so much but when someone asked if I was fine I automatically said " yes" and they never asked ever again. But I needed to tell someone. I couldn't explain my mind. It was so messed up... I thought that all was a punishment from life. Like I did something wrong in my past.. I never knew.
" Chase?" - I heard a voice.
I shaked off. I kinda zoned out and didn't noticed him.
" What's the deal again? Are you gonna say they are right,aren't you?" - I asked with half angry and annoyed voice.
The man slowly moved to look at me as I breathed heavily, with a shade of suspense that he was different.
" I wanted to only mention it..it's okay to feel bad." He said.
Oh. Like he ever knew why I was like this. I moved out of his way and I wished I was someone else. I lost the chance of making something better out of this existence.
It was pain, a numb one. I got used to it. I slowly died inside, and no one saw me. The pieces of my soul fell apart and the shades of grey turned me into a living zombie. One piece. Another one.. and there was it again.
A fade of blood. Something flashed before my eyes before it all disappeared. I thought it could be so easy.
I felt something going through my skin. Ah, there was I again. I standed in my kitchen and the cold metal hitted my skin. It was like a bad desire that I wanted to happen. Deep down there I started to recognise the things..
My skin literally went into a state of alarm, and I closed my eyes.
I whispered the words again. I heard them all over again. I had weird hallucinations, I saw the dark shades moving on my table and could hear mixed voices going deeper and darker, till the one got clearer.
" Every day a small piece of you dies " the voice glitched and was gone.
I walked through a empty house, I swear I could hear the phone. I noticed it and picked it up, but all I could hear was just weird noises.
Maybe a voice? I shaked myself out of the scary experience and then I woke up. I saw the faces. They all looked at me and all I could hear was..
" Yes, Chase Brody. The one who was suspected about... [..]" I heard.
It broke again. I couldn't focus, the pain in my head was literally impossible to keep it in. I screamed and it was a scream of pain and sadness, it sounded like a beg.
Beg for what?
I needed help.
But inside me,I was completely wasted. My love was only a thing which kept me alive, but not anymore. I didn't had anything, and I didn't had anyone to stay alive.
I looked at myself in the mirror. I decided to end it. There was no one, not even the family. My god, I wish I could say sorry again.. Even if I never was guilty. I didn't got a chance to...
Apologise.
" It's too late, I say it's too late.."
Too late. Too son. It was over, it wouldn't be better with the time. I was done.
" Chase Brody was found dead at his home. The police is suspecting a suicide. Probably the reason was he lost his family after the justice decided to separate him from them. All of people think, they could see the sadness but no one reacted. Like it seems, the generation has changed."
( Third P.O.V)
The generation of people not giving a second chance. They looked once and didn't gave them a second glance. Even if you tried really hard, they always kept on saying.
" Not good enough."
Or for example, kept on making you feel drowning with the words like..
" You have no talent, give up."
At the end they never saw it. The blindfold they had, didn't letted to see the silent scream you had.
" Stop trying, you fighted enough "
Those words.
Are like invisible things that make you fall.
Your mind is like a city. The words are the bombs. Imagine them falling on it, and see it like the building slowly started to rip down.
It wasn't anymore stable, it shaked a lot.
" You're not worth love"
And it falls, breaks down with every next negative word. But no one would see.
Everyone would keep on focusing on your flaws, and after it all they wondered why you cried. You felt the pain taking the joy away, as next trust broke like the glass. It was something you had always deep in your mind. The shade of the demons saying.
" You should end it all."
And this was exactly the same feeling Chase had.
And that was the finish of the line.
There was nothing more to add.
Finito.
Basta..
Finished..
Done.