The day has finally come. It was time for me to make one of the biggest decisions of my life, a decision that I may or may not regret until the day I die.
It is the annual Choosing Ceremony.
I stand here, in my dull, gray bedroom. My gray bed with gray sheets was shoved in the corner, blending almost perfectly with my gray walls. My wooden dresser stands at the end of the bed, holding the item that was the sole reason I came back up here. I purposely leave the sheets on my bed unmade, as one final act of rebellion before I leave this hell hole.
Walking over to the dresser, I slowly crouch to my knees and pull the bottom drawer open. Inside it is a single pair of black pants. My brother's, to be specific. He had gotten them by trading with a dauntless boy many years ago. Our father never found out, and he kept them hidden well. I was the only other one who knew.
I pull them on underneath my ankle-length gray broom skirt, and adjust my gray cardigan over my white tank top before standing back up and walking from the room I used to call mine.
I walk out of the room, shutting the door behind me on the way. I enter the kitchen, where bottles that had once held alcohol laid, strewn about. Dirty dishes are piled up in the sink from the past 3 days. Usually I would have been punished by now for not doing them, but he hasn't been home recently, so I don't bother.
I pause at the kitchen table, thinking back to the memory that was still fresh in my mind, four years ago today.
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I walked out of my room, and followed the sent of burning oatmeal to the kitchen. He was already in there, nervously fixing breakfast for him and I. He paused when he saw me, and then continued over to the stove to turn off the burners.
I didn't say a word, just went to my spot at the table, and began eating the crispy oatmeal.
"I'm sorry it's burned." He said quietly, his back to me as he balanced himself on the edges of the stove. It was quiet for a moment, as I finished chewing the food I had in my mouth. I swallowed, and then put more on my spoon.
"It's fine." I replied, and put the spoon in my mouth.
He sighed, and then turned and pulled up the chair beside mine. He turned to me, completely ignoring his own food. I raised an eyebrow, but he ignored me.
He had looked sad. Even though I was young at the time, I had begun to understand what peoples looks meant. That look he gave me didn't reassure me at all. We both knew what was going to happen.
"Crystal, I-" he started, but I did a very non-abnegation thing and cut him off.
"No, it's ok. I completely support whatever choice you make, and I hope you live a happy life. Mom would want you to." I placed the spoon down, and took one of his massive hands in both of mine. "Don't worry about me, worry about yourself. I'll be fine." I smiled softly, and he returned it, before pulling me close to him, and hugging me.
After a few moments, I sighed and said in his ear, "You know the rules."
He didn't let go. Instead, he said, "Screw the rules."
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That had been the last time I spoke to my brother. His Choosing Ceremony had been an hour after that, and he had chosen Dauntless, the almost complete opposite of what we were. My father hadn't been happy, and had decided to express that on me. I had to stay in bed for 2 days.
I unconsciously pull the cardigan down even more over my stomach. That was the most recent place that held the bruises that were awarded to me.
Just one more time, I walk over to the little closet in our hallway, and hit the unlock button. The door slides open, and there is our mirror. It's only allowed open for so long, and we were never supposed to look at out own appearance for more than one minute, but this time I did.
My blue eyes look back at me, surrounded by long, black eyelashes, just like my mothers. My brother had my fathers eyes, and I know he hated that about himself. My long, wavy blond hair is pulled back into a tight bun. Unlike my brothers, this was my fathers. My brother inherited my mothers hair: a nice, light brown color. My cheekbones stuck out nicely, but not sharply. My plump, pink lips were averaged size, and that was fine for me.
I am 5'9", which was only a few inches shorter than my brother. He used to tease me behind closed doors, that one day I would pass him. I know he was joking, but it always made me think I had potential to do something. Though, usually, a couple of days later my father would change my mind about that.
I am fit, in a general sense. I did have some extra weight, but thank heavens it was in my chest area and southern region. Other than that, I would like to think I was relatively small. Though, there's nothing wrong with being bigger. It's only because of the build I have, that I'm thankful I'm not bigger. I have no idea what I weigh, since we do not own a scale. Another rule of Abnegation.
I walk out of my gray house, and down the gray steps, to where I see more gray houses. Other kids my age are heading on their way to the Choosing Ceremony. This includes my friend, Beatrice Prior.
She walks down the sidewalk, her brother Caleb beside her. Her parents are a few feet behind them, giving us a little privacy. For abnegation, they were very good parents.
Caleb and Beatrice smile as they approached me. Caleb stuck his hand out, and I politely shook it. Beatrice and I then hug softly, before we all three make our way down the rest of the sidewalk.
I met Beatrice and Caleb a little over three years ago. That was when my brother had first started to become a little spacey from my dad and I, so they never really met. I wish they would've, they probably would've been good friends.
"Are you nervous?" Beatrice asks, breaking the silence between us. She stands between Caleb and I.
I take a breath, and then release it. "Not really."
"Same." Caleb says quietly, and that was all that was said the entire way to the ceremony.
Truth be told, I was nervous. Not because I didn't know what I was going to choose. I've know for almost four years, and the test I took yesterday confirmed it.
It was what had happened at the test that made me feel uneasy.
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I had just come out of the simulation. I was a little confused. It had taken me a moment to remember where I was, but I realized after a moment.
My helper who gave me the test looked shaken up.
"Tori, are you ok?" I asked, reaching out and placing a comforting hand on her arm.
She stared at me a second, which was not looked down upon in Dauntless, unlike Abnegation. Staring was thought of as 'drawing attention to oneself and making another individual uncomfortable' so we didn't do it.
"I-I'm fine. Um, your test results were Dauntless." She said quietly, and I had felt my eyes widen in shock.
Reall? Those were my test results? Isn't that uncommon?
"Um, Tori, I have a question. May I just-"
She cut me off. "No. I think it would be best if you left now. I have other people to test as well. Have a nice day." And with that, she turned away from me back to the computer.
I hadn't said anything, just stood up and walked out the door. Before I shut it before me though, I looked at her one more time, and what I saw scared me.
She had been crying.
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We arrive at the ceremony, and join our respective lines of Abnegation kids outside. Beatrice and Caleb say goodbye to their parents, and I just stand there. I knew my father wouldn't see me before I left. He knew he was going to see me again.
I was surprised, however, when Beatrice and Caleb's mom comes over and gives me a hug. Their dad gives me a pat on the back, and smiles at me. "Good luck." Their mom whispers in my ear, before her and her husband walk into the ceremony.
I turn and face Beatrice and Caleb, giving them a small smile. They send one back, and we begin to follow the rest of the Abnegation inside.
We take the stairs, leaving the other factions to take the elevator. Once we are inside where the main action will take place, we take a seat, with Beatrice between us again. Their parents sit behind us, and nod their heads at us in greeting.
It starts. This year, it is Erudite's turn to make the introduction and run the show.
Jeanine Matthews, leader of Erudite, steps forward and begins the speech about how we became to be what we are today. I've heard the same speech every year for 16 years. I tune it out, and give in to my nerves.
I already know what choice I'm going to make, but will I be satisfied with it? How will my father react? Will he come find me? What about my brother? If I ever see him again, will he be happy to see me, or will he turn away and act like he doesn't know me? These are the questions that occupy my mind until the moment my name is called.
Beatrice knocks her knee against mine. "They called your name." She says quietly enough that only I can hear. I nod a thanks at her, and shakily stand to my feet. I wipe my clammy hands on my skirt, and then make my way down the stairs.
I walk straight up to Jeanine, and she smiles at me. It's a forced smile, I can tell. She knows who I am though, due to my sometimes traveling to other factions when my father needs another representative from Abnegation. He could've chosen anyone else, but he brought me, and I know it was so that he could keep an eye on me.
She hands me the knife, and I take it, turning and facing the five bowls, one of which will be my new home.
I draw the blade over my palm, creating a trail of blood in its wake. I close my palm, and stick my hand out, holding it over the smooth pebbles of Abnegation.
I look up, and see him sitting there in the front row. He frowns and nods his head, urging me to allow the blood to spill.
But I don't.
While keeping my eyes locked on his, I drag my arm away from the pebbles and over to the burning coals of Dauntless, where I finally allow the blood to spill.
Cheering erupts from over at Dauntless, and I turn away from my father's angry expression to hand the blade back over to Jeanine. She gives me a puzzled look, and accepts the knife.
I take the offered cloth from a helper, and wrap it tightly around my hand. I look over at my old faction, seeing Beatrice and Caleb's confused looks, and hearing the murmurs of disapproval from the rest of the faction.
I turn and walk over to my new faction, to where the rest of the Dauntless transfers are. Some smile at me, and some give me weird looks. Some guys wink, and I just roll my eyes and turn away.
Damn, it felt good to be able to do that.
I watch the rest of the ceremony, and listen closely to everyone else's decisions. A Candor goes to Amity, an Abnegation stays in Abnegation, an Erudite goes to Dauntless.
I wasn't prepared for Caleb and Beatrice Prior's decisions though.
When Caleb went to Erudite, even I felt a small stab of betrayal. Abnegation and Erudite don't exactly get along, and he knew that. I could tell his dad was disappointed, but his mom was just smiling.
And then, when Beatrice chose Dauntless, I couldn't have been happier. I was going to have a friend in the same faction as me.
She walks over to me, and I hug her tightly. She reciprocated, and we started laughing after a minute.
"We did it." I say in her ear, and she giggles.
"Yeah, we did."