I sneak back into my room trying to desperately calm my racing heart. Who could that have been I was so panic I did not or could not make out a familiar scent. It had to be Ward though, who else would have gone chasing after me? I sit on my bed and place my hand over my heart. I shake my head it was Ward, he was clearly upset when I left so suddenly. Why he felt the need to transform is beyond me but I shall not think about it anymore. Or him, he came so close to dishonoring my mate-ship. What ever was he thinking of getting so close and touching me. I feel my face get hot and my heart races faster but for a much different reason this time. No, no Ward feels nothing toward me but perhaps friendship or maybe he just feels sorry for me. Oh, that has to be the reason. I was crying and looking pretty pitiful. He probably just wanted to do anything to get me to stop, besides having feelings for another besides your mate is taboo and forbidden. It is not like anything can come of it most of the time when other wolves choose to be romantic with another beside there chosen it ends badly and the Stars will not look favorable upon you. Although I cannot not think of any wolves who have done such a thing beside Violet and my father but even they were partially fated by the stars.
I lie down on my bed and touch my knees to my chest, I close my eyes and Kader's face enters my mind. I feel embarrassed to see him, what if he finds out about Ward? That cannot happen it would ruin everything. I need to not put myself in such a compromising position ever again. I will just avoid Ward and keep my mind focus on whats to come. I have so much to look forward too, spending time thinking of the past will not benefit me in anyway.I find my self dozing off and before I can drift completely away, I hear my mother calling me. This is going to be a long day.
I watch my mother dust the same area on the counter about a hundred times now. However I know better than to comment. She is clearly nervous about Violet coming today to help with my pottery making and lessons. Mother has done nothing but putter around and clean everything in site, mind you my mother keeps the tidiest home I have ever seen. I wish I knew the rights words of comfort or encouragement to give my mother, something that would reassure her that everything will be fine. I however do not entirely believe everything will be fine. I am fairly nervous myself, I have never spent much time interacting with Violet before. At least not in my own home and a more intimate setting. Growing up it seemed Violet tried to make an effort with me at times but there were others where she was very much indifferent toward me.
I all I really want is to see and be with Kader. It seems like ages ago that I have seen him. Our last encounter was strange to be sure but I know it is partly because we have had no bonding time. Kader and I's mate-ship is not like the typical. Usually couples have more time to bond and plan their lives together. Such as where they will build their home and what it will look like, also practicing the ceremony for the harvest moon. However with Kader and I's positions it seems that we will not get anytime together before the ceremony. I still worry about what Kader said and what it really means to be alpha offspring. Which pack will I belong to his? Or will I continue to stay in my fathers but have Kader join? There is so much I wish to ask but I know it is not my place. My mind whirls and goes into so many directions lately that I seem to drift from reality. So much so that I do not registrar my mother grabbing my arm and calling my name. I look to her face quickly searching for a word and excuse for my bizarre behavior. She just smiles, "I thought I lost you in that head of yours for a moment." I shake my head and my jumbled thoughts clear finally. "No, of course not mother, I- well I feel out of sorts I suppose today. I am a bit anxious if I am honest." I say the words so causally and much out of character for myself. I would have never admitted to being anxious, at least not to mother. Also not without prodding and coaxing my truth and feelings. My mother does look surprised by my admission but quickly goes into comforting mode by leading me to a chair at the dinner table. "Oh my star, of course you are feeling different, there is so much going on. I bet much of which you feel in the dark about?"
I snap my head to look at her eyes searching for something. How does she know how I feel, does she know something I do not? "How-di-did you know, that's how I am feeling?"
I was on edge waiting for her to reveal some secret, some hidden knowledge that my curious mind has been seeking. For answers about my mate-ship, my family, and situation. However with many aspects of my life I am once again disappointed.
"Well I know because I once felt like that. It was such a whirlwind being mated to your father." She says matter of factually and turns to continue to dust with vigor.
Of course her answer was simple and genuine, if my mother knew any secrets I am sure she would tell me. I mean at least I think so. Lying is a sin and I have never know my mother to be prone to such inclinations before.
"Yes of course you have mother. That makes sense, but could- could you tell me something?"
"Of course dear what is it?"
And I do not know where this openness has come from but I get out all the feelings and questions that have plagued me, well not all but most about my mate-ship with Kader.
"Well I have been feeling that there is a lot about my mate-ship that I don't know about. I mean of course Kader and I will need to get to know each other, but I feel he is hiding something from me. I know I should not think such things, its just when I try to ask him about our future he clams up and avoids the topic. He had repeatedly asked me to just trust him and not worry however that is not in my nature, all I can do is worry. Does that make sense?"
My mother turns hesitantly she looks like shes trying to think of the words to say. "I do think it makes sense." She sighs and sits down, this cannot be good. She takes a seat next to me. Shes finally sitting but does not look less nervous. " Azalea, I wish I could say things will get easier for you. Its not easy to be mated to a man in power or who is apart of a family who is. I was terrified when I was mated to your father. He was to be the Alpha the most important man in our pack. I felt a lot of pressure to live up to what an Alpha's mate should look and act like. Let me tell you I did not live up to any of it. Part of me was relieved when Violet came into the picture, I did not have to pretend anymore." She paused for a moment, again she is trying to find the right words. I get a wave of sadness for her, she could not give my father sons and she felt so isolated and out of place. Much like I feel I realize but I confused by her admissions about Violet.
"Even so I had to accept and understand that my role in this life was not to be the perfect mate for an alpha or even for your father. When you were born I knew what my purpose was and it was to be the best mother and live for you and your well being. You will find your purpose in this life even if you do not find in this pack or with Kader."
I am shocked by my mothers words, she has never said she was not meant to be perfect for my father. The Star Batni have always stressed the importance of being your best for your mate no matter what as a she-wolf. I am almost upset she would say that she was relieved that another women swooped in and took her mate, her family. My emotions stir and I feel so strange, I start speaking before my mind can even process what I am saying.
"Mother what do you mean not with Kader? That cannot be we are mated I must do everything I can to ensure I am perfect for him and this pack. They expect it, everyone is watching and waiting to see what will happen in our mate-ship. Waiting to see me screw up no doubt. "
I want to cry I realize the truth in my words is heavy and I almost wish to take them back, just almost. My mother looks surprise but there is also that all too familiar look of pity and even guilt on her face.
But before she can get an apology I know doubt she would offer out, we both hear footsteps gliding toward our door. One sniff of violets and rain signals Violets arrival. My stomach drops. My mother quickly rises and heads to the door, were both tense and upset how are we going to handle Violet now? I knew this would be a long day.....
Surprisingly Violet came alone, no Dax or Don in toe. Thank the Stars, with how my emotions are are jumbled their present would have undone me for sure. We are all sitting in the living room with the furniture moved out of the way. Violet has all the the items we need to begin creating all the pottery I will need. I marvel at how well and kind my mother treats Violet. I would not be. I would let her know she ruined a family... no wait where did that thought come from? I should never think such an unkind thought about her. I close my eyes and shake my head, it must be the lack of sleep. I should not have thought that. As I think about my lack of sleep I feel the exhaustion setting into my muscles and shoulders I feel heavy. I just need to get through this lesson and then I am sure I can sneak in a quick nap before all of my other task. If I can stay awake for that long.
"That's right, just like that gentle. The clay can be finicky. Spin the wheel a bit more. Oh it looks perfect!"
Hearing Violets encouraging words and praised should have been a positive experience. If the words were in fact directed at me. No after my many failed attempts to spin a simple cup out of clay Violet took to instructing my mother in the skill. If my life was not already taboo seeing MY mother and Violet getting along would be a site. However my life is very different and this is might have been strangest site. But no my life has had my curious moments. As I'm in the kitchen listening to my mother and Violet actually getting a long I cannot help but smile. Who would have thought terrible sculpting skills would help bring them together. Maybe the Stars do work in mysterious ways.
As I finishing making tea for everyone I get this sensation a tremor goes through my skin. I turn to look out the window. I look to the forest tree line and I see a silhouette of a person. As my eyes focus I see further my eyes widen....its Kader. His posture is tense his fist clenched at his side's. And even from here I can see his eyes smoldering... Oh stars what is wrong?