39
You Think You Know
...
My eyes were focused on absolutely nothing, the wheels in my head spinning. I'm only partially aware of my finger drumming on my thigh, or my teeth gnawing at my lip. Buildings are whooshing past in a blur, nothing remarkable to be seen or heard.
I'm going to tell them today. I could wait a week, prepare myself, hold back until the anxiety fizzles out. But then I run the risk of letting them find out on their own. I clamp my eyes shut, not wanting to revisit the scenario where all three of them never speak to me again.
My foot starts tapping as I think of what Jinseo had said, when I'd called her in a panic earlier this morning. Jungwoo's ear was safely away with him in the shower, my empty lie of being 'okay' sitting comfortably in his head. But then again, I know he's not stupid. At all.
"Focus on the best scenario, Luna."
So thats what I'm trying to do as the car glides through Seoul, the engine's hum nothing but a faint purr behind my thoughts.
Kiah will understand.
Mrs Jeon will understand.
Jungkook will understand.
Oh God, how will Jungkook react...
I'm so deep into my internal prayer that I don't realise we've stopped, or that Jungwoo is calling my name.
"...Luna,"
I open my eyes and find myself still in the car, outside my apartment. Snapping my head around, I meet Jungwoo's worried eyes, "Gwenchana [are you ok]?"
Swallowing slowly, I try to nod convincingly, "Ne daepyonim [yes Mr Park]."
His gaze flickers away, clearly not believing me. He shakes his head disappointedly, his choice of conversation topic, as always, a complete mystery to me, "You always call me 'daepyonim'."
Facing him, I notice the slight glint in his eyes and decide to humour him, a second of taking my mind off of things sitting comfortably over my chest. "Well, what would you like me to call you?"
He pretends to think, cocking his head to the side, I grin, already knowing what he'll say.
"... Jagi [honey]?"
Pursing my lips, I ignore the violent laugh threatening to explode from my chest. Instead I turn to him and clear my throat dramatically. With my eyelashes fluttering, I speak with an exaggerated cuteness, "Omo jagiya [omg honey]!"
Extending my arms out, I pinch his cheeks, "Neoneun wanjeon gwiyeowo [you are so cute]!"
His face crumples up in laughter as he jerks his head away, clutching my hands in his, "Stop it, that made me cringe."
I grin, sitting back against the chair normally again.
But as soon as I glance at the apartment, the worry starts to creep back into my heart.
His thumb is tracing circles on the back of my hand, the gentle action doing enough to stop me from losing my mind. His voice is like a soothing balm over my overcrowded mind, "Ya [hey]. It'll be okay."
Blinking out of the window, my voice comes out in a whisper, "What if he never speaks to me again?"
Jungwoo sighs as he squeezes my hand, making me face him, "He will."
Usually, those kinds of empty words would leave me feeling the same if not worse. But somehow, with the sincerity in his eyes, I believe him.
"Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?"
I nod my head with confidence, "I'm sure. I have to do this alone."
——————
I walk in cautiously, half expecting to be greeted by four policemen, a crying Kiah, a disappointed Jungkook and an infuriated Mrs Jeon.
Instead, I find regular Mrs Jeon at the hob, cooking something delicious. When she see's me a sly grin spreads across her face, "Well... How was he?"
I blink at her, "How was who?"
She wiggles her eyebrows, "Was it big?"
Oh. She must be talking about Jungwoo's apartment. I nod my head enthusiastically, my arms extending out in front of me, "Yes, it was huge!"
She holds her fists out encouragingly in triumph, her eyes now crescent moons as she smiles at me. I smile back worryingly, "Where are Jungkook and Kiah?"
Turning back to the pot, she points at a pile of ingredients on the counter, "Pass me the ginger. And they should come up soon dear."
Just as the sentence leaves her mouth, two figures walk through the door looking rather disheveled. Kiah's lipstick is slightly smudged, while Jungkook's hair looks like he's just been through a tornado.
Raising my eyebrows up at them suggestively, I point to my lips and hair quickly, getting them to fix themselves before Mrs Jeon turns around. This is all in vain however, since she doesn't even face them as she chuckles, "Looks like Luna isn't the only one who's had some fun recently." She places her spoon down, sighing into the distance, "I miss those days."
Jungkook's doe eyes are wide in confusion, whereas Kiah turns to me dramatically, "Omo unnie [omg big sis], you and daepyonim [Mr Park]?!"
As it finally dawns on me what Mrs Jeon had been talking about, my eyes mirror Jungkook's as I wave my hands around to defend myself, "Aniya [no]! We didn't do anything, we just slept, and on his couch nonetheless!"
Mrs Jeon's dancing eyebrows make a re-entry, "On his couch, eh?"
Jungkook snaps out of it, "Eomma jaebal [mum please]!"
Kiah shakes her head in pity, "It's okay unnie [big sis], the day will come!"
I shake my head exasperatedly, "I don't need the day to come, I'm fine!"
Mrs Jeon nods her head matter of factly, "Oh you'll need it to come, trust me."
Jungkook visibly cringes on the spot. I'm left staring at the wall blankly, waiting for this conversation to end.
——————
Lunch was eaten with Kiah and Jungkook asking me for every detail of Jungwoo's apartment, Mrs Jeon comfortably commenting every now and then. The delicious meal lived up to her highest standards, and I wanted to finish it all. I really did.
But as the food on my plate became less and less, it dawned on me that as soon as I finished, I'd have to tell them my lie.
That's why now, I can't bring myself to have another bite. Mrs Jeon notices almost immediately, "Luna, do you not like it?"
Quickly, I shake my head, "No no eommoni [mum]! It's very good!"
She lowers her chopsticks, "Then what is it?"
I blink down at my plate, steadying may breathing as I will myself to continue and just tell them.
"I have something to tell you." Swallowing, I stand up, trying to ignore the sickening feeling of worry thats swashing around in my stomach.
The three of them wear bewildered expressions that slowly melt into interest when I begin to speak. "The reason I moved from London..."
My mouth hangs open, my tongue like a lead block inside, I look to Jungkook's beautiful doe eyes, his head nodding eagerly for me to continue. Hating myself for even lying to him in the first place, I exhale slowly and keep going, "it's because a patient asked me to euthanise her and... I did."
It takes a second for what I say to sink in, and I can see in each of their eyes, the emotion that takes over. Kiah blinks at me in sadness. Mrs Jeon clears her throat in betrayal. Jungkook's eyes coat over in a worrying combination of anger and hate.
My heart drops at their reactions, and I immediately bow towards them to try and convey just a slither of how sorry I am, "Joesonghamnida [I'm sorry (formally)]."
Jungkook can't seem to look me in the eye, his understanding and bubbly personality gone in a flash, his jaw clearly clenched under his skin. Just as I open my mouth to try and explain, he stands and walks out of the apartment, the door shutting harshly behind him.
Sighing in regret, I stand pathetically, looking anxiously at Mrs Jeon and Kiah, while trying so hard to keep away the dark and depressing feeling that threatens to swallow me whole.
I tell myself then that I deserve this. I deserve nothing less than this. I lied to them all, when they took me in and accepted me for who they thought I was. Jungwoo's reaction led me to believe that what I did was okay. That it wasn't really that bad. And although his acceptance may have been true and unconditional, that doesn't make it right.
My head hangs low as the first tear starts to spill.
The two women in-front of me still haven't spoken, but I also realise that they still haven't left.
That must mean something.
Still trying to clutch onto any hope I can find, I look up at them and try to gauge their expressions. Thankfully, Kiah speaks before I have to, "Unnie [bis sis], I trust you. And your decisions."
I blink slowly at her, trying to find any trace of a lie as my body stays rigid in it's place. She surprises me completely when she gets up and hugs me, her petite arms gently wrapping around my shoulders.
Just as I hug Kiah back, Mrs Jeon finally speaks up, her voice resolute, "Kiah-ya, gayo [let's go (ya is an honorific)].
Kiah squeezes my arm, an apologetic expression in her eyes as she turns and follows our senior out of the door.
I'm left feeling completely abandoned, my heart swollen emptily like a balloon, as my amazingly fierce landlady walks away from me, without a trace of emotion on her face.
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What does everyone think? Where the reactions predictable?
Also! I've moved back to uni now which means that I won't be uploading as quickly as I was before :(
However, writing is my salvation SO, I will continue to upload even if it kills me.
Have a great week everyone! x