I think one of the hardest things I have ever watched was the parting of Elliot and Alan.
Of course, Alan wasn't going to attend the wedding. He wasn't going to travel with us to Cadazar. Jay and Cameron were going to take him with them after we left, and help him deal with the first few weeks of being alone.
I'm sure they had already said their goodbyes in private, but as the bags were getting loaded into our separate cars and the time for parting was actually here, they clung to each other desperately.
I don't even think they cared who saw them at this point, the months of keeping their meetings secret didn't seem to matter anymore.
When I first caught sight of them standing together, I knew the decent thing to do was look away, but I couldn't. The way Alan's hands clutched the front of Elliot's shirt spoke so much more than mere words ever could. The whispered conversation that no one dared overhear broke my heart.
This was love. Why the hell were they being forced apart?
Somehow Elliot was staying strong, how I don't know, but Alan was openly crying, and watching Elliot try to comfort him brought tears to my own eyes.
"We need to go."
Thomas muttered next to me. He would never admit that he was addressing me, but I knew he was. Someone needed to tell them that it was finally time to go. Time to part forever, maybe.
"I-I'll tell him."
Raymond smiled gratefully at me, his hands clenched angrily at his sides. Everyone hated this. Raymond wasn't even going. He said that he wouldn't be able to sit through the wedding without trying to stop it. And he knew that too much work was put into this peace treaty for it all to be ruined now.
I walked slowly up to where they stood against the wall of the palace. I wanted to give them as much time as I could. It was their last time in each others arms after all.
I felt cruel and unutterably heartless when I placed my hand on Elliot's shoulder. He turned his head slightly towards me, a heavy sigh escaping his lips.
"Is it time to go?" His voice was thick with emotion, the absence of tears in no way lessening the grief that showed so evidently in his eyes.
"I'm so sorry, but it is."
He nodded.
"Thank you, Alex."
Why was he thanking me? I was forcing them apart and he was thanking me! My feeling of guilt was only heightened by the small smile he sent my way.
"Elliot."
The word was torn from Alan's throat, quiet yet desperate, as Elliot began to pull away from him.
"Alan, please, I have to go. You know that." He brought his hand up to stroke his cheek, wiping away the tears that continued to fall.
"I love you." I don't think I'll ever be able to forget the way Alan said those three words. It was so desperately weak, and yet the strength of his love could never be questioned.
"I love you, Alan. So fucking much." His grip tightened around Alan again, and I thought I was going to have to pull them apart again.
"Don't forget that."
"I won't. I won't, Elliot."
"Don't forget everything else I've said."
"Elliot, I can't—"
"Hush." Elliot covered his mouth gently with his hand. "You will move on. You must."
"I'll-I'll try." He was doing his best to compose himself, but the struggle was in vain. His heart was broken, and he was too young to have to deal with this kind of tragedy. Too young to know how to handle this kind of pain. They both were. Much too young.
"Goodbye, my love." Elliot kissed his forehead gently, holding his head between both hands.
After a moment of silence, he pulled away completely.
"Let's go." He grabbed my arm and pulled me away, his voice rough.
He rushed towards his waiting car, dropping my arm, and getting in without a backward glance at the man he loved.
When I looked back at Alan I saw Jay hugging him tightly, pulling him away from the scene that was only adding to his heartbreak.
I hurried to my car as well, not wanting anyone, especially Thomas, to see the tears that I felt on my own face.
It felt like I was leaving a funeral, not traveling to a wedding. Something had been lost here today, something that could never again be gained.
———————
Have you ever been in the car and heard complete silence?
Like, sure, there's the sound of the car, and the pouring rain, but all of that is just a steady drone in the background. I'm talking about a car with two people in it, and still there is absolutely no noise coming from either of them.
Yes, I'm one of them, and yes, so is Thomas.
And guess how long the drive is going to be. 7 flipping hours! That's how long!
Of course, I'd made the drive before. But last time was with Elliot, and somehow it seemed way shorter. Now, only an hour in, it felt like an eternity.
It had been three days since we kissed, and three days since we'd said anything to each other. I'm being completely serious, we hadn't even said good morning to each other.
I still don't know his reason for avoiding me, or for running out on my like that either. But I know one thing. I was pissed, and I wasn't about to be the first one to break the silence.
Thomas sighed, and I could see him running a hand through his hair out of the corner of my eye. I though he might say something then, but the silence continued.
It was hot in the car, but I was too stubborn to reach out my arm and change anything. I lay my forehead against the glass of the window. The coldness of the glass soothed my fevered brow.
I traced the rivulets of water gliding down the window, my thoughts on the couple I had just witnessed parting. It wasn't fair. It just wasn't.
"I can't do this."
Thomas looked over at me in surprise, obviously not expecting me to break the silence. He looked back at the road, his decision to drive giving him something to focus his attention on.
"What can't you do?"
"I can't attend this wedding. I can't stand by and watch this crime take place! I can't stand up there and let him bind himself to that man when he loves Alan!"
I wasn't even ashamed of the tears in my eyes anymore. Didn't care that he was seeing my real emotions and thoughts.
"But you must." His voice was so calm, so unaffected that I want to strangle him. Wasn't this his brother? Hadn't he defended him not too long ago?
"Why? Why must I?"
"Because Elliot has accepted his fate, and will do his duty to his king and country! You will stand up there with him silently, not because you agree with what is going on, but because he needs you there. Can't you see that?"
"Thomas, I can't. It's cruel. It's not fair."
"It's life!" He hit the top of the steering wheel, and I flinched at his unexpected anger.
"Why are you so harsh? Don't you care that they love each other?"
"My question is why is this such a big deal to everyone? No one gave a damn when this was me! No one cared that I loved Joan!"
I was shocked into silence. I'd never thought if it like that. Why didn't I care that he had been torn away from his love?
Because you love him. That irritating voice spoke again in my head.
I didn't know what to say, and Thomas was silent again. He wasn't expecting an answer.
We didn't speak again that whole car ride, and i jumped out as soon as we got there. But as I lay next to him that night, I couldn't get what he had said out of my head. One other thing was nagging at my brain as well, making it impossible to sleep.
How was I supposed to remain silent during tomorrow's wedding?