OK I'M NOT BACK FOR GOOD OK BUT I'M RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF MY EXAMS AND ITS INTENSE AND I JUST NEEDED TO UPLOAD THIS. This is fluffy as fuck. I love that Jason Blossom never speaks because it means i can be lazy with characterization. Jokes, jokes, I personally think it gives him a gentleness and a wisdom so I wanted to keep that. Also holy shit you guys I hadn't been checking but thank you so much for all the kudos and shit, so cool. SO ENJOY COMMENT WHATEVER I'LL BE DONE BY WEDNESDAY NEXT WEEK AND I'LL BE BACK FOR GOOD.
Cheryl had reached her hand over the side of the rowboat to drift her fingers leisurely through the cool waters of Sweetwater River, marvelling at the ripples cascading away from her as she'd pierced the sun-warmed surface and paddled her fingers in the cool depths. The smell of wet maple leaves and rich soil drifted through the air like the gentle tides beneath them, their cradle of a boat swaying soothingly to the accompanying lullaby of trickling water and light birdsong.
She had felt at peace here. At one time in her life, in that moment, it had been her favourite place in the world.
She and Jason had decided to take a visit one afternoon in the late summer before their 16th birthday to escape Thornhill and their parents and the perfect obligation of their lives for a few small hours. He had dutifully rowed them out to the middle, mooring them against a jutting boulder to where they had laid, side by side, to lift the Blossom crown, and all its weighted expectations, from their heads for just a while. To have the same red hair, and the same perfect posture, and the same privileged outlook on the cruel world in which they'd grown up but not to be 'The Blossom Twins' for now, to exist for a brief pocket in time together as simply Cheryl and Jason.
She had pulled her hand from the water, flicking light droplets onto the wood of the boat and watching them soak into it keenly as the sun had dried her hand.
"Have you told Polly that you love her yet, JJ?"
Her voice had been quiet, small in the vast expanse of nature in which they lazed but its presence still startled Jason as he opened his eyes to look at her. He sat up on his elbow, watching her face before breaking into a small smile and nodding his head.
Cheryl had smiled back, drifting her eyes over the handsome contours of his cheeks.
She had been jealous when she had first found out about Polly. Hideously so. Grotesquely, viciously, disturbingly jealous, flying into a resentful rage. Frighteningly Blossom in her reaction. How dare they? How dare some unworthy slut take her precious brother's attention from her? How dare she usurp Cheryl's position of affection in his eyes, the only accolade she'd ever truly wanted? How dare some Cooper find love, happy, contented, true love and yet Cheryl was left by the wayside, longing to love someone, man or woman - anyone - and, now, without the devotion of her beloved JJ either.
It had eaten at her.
Seared within her.
She'd never felt jealousy like it.
But then, one day, she had caught them at school together, murmuring sweetly to each other beside Jason's car in the parking lot. And the look of sheer happiness, freedom, peace on Jason's face had left her breathless.
He'd deserved this.
He'd deserved better than he'd been given in life.
He deserved to escape.
And if Polly Cooper was that escape, then so be it.
"How wonderful for you, Jason. And did she reciprocate?"
Jason had nodded again, his smile turning shy as he'd looked away from her to gaze at the trees opposite them on the shore.
"I'm so pleased for you, JJ. To find love in our most troubled lives is truly a blessing." She'd mused quietly, watching a stray droplet running down her wrist.
"Was it hard to say it to her? To actually say the words 'I love you' without knowing if they'd be said back?"
There had been silence for a moment.
Cheryl had turned to watch Jason as he thought, picking the remnants of some bark from the leg of his pressed white pants. He'd swallowed, looking at her with soft eyes, one crooked and blinking as her faced the glare of the sun.
He had nodded again, earnestly.
Cheryl turned away, looking up at the sky.
"I thought you would say that. I can't imagine what that must be like."
She'd paused for a moment, listening to the river.
"I've never said those words to anyone, JJ. Apart from you of course, and mommy and daddy, although heaven knows sometimes I don't mean it towards them." She'd muttered bitterly. "But when I say it to you, Jason, I know that you feel it in return. It's a promise with you. But with anyone else, with that different kind of love, not our sibling love, JJ, I mean the romantic love, like you have with Polly. That... is not promised."
She'd pressed her lips together, glancing at Jason to gauge his reaction and noting the look of understanding on his face, encouraging her to continue.
"It's not a promise, JJ. You just have to trust that they feel the same way. And, of course, what happens if they say it first? Is that perhaps somehow worse? That they now have the upper hand and you're left struggling to catch up to them, forcing yourself to love them just to be able to say it back?"
She had closed her eyes, a sigh leaving her nose steadily. She'd felt Jason's hand on her shoulder, comforting warmth seeping through her blouse.
"I couldn't imagine saying it, JJ." She'd whispered. "I simply couldn't imagine entrusting someone so deeply. Such a precipice to walk, and so blindly too. I couldn't even say it to Heath-"She'd faltered in her words, something she had only ever been comfortable enough in its imperfection to do around her beloved brother "-to... when I... when she'd said..."
She had stopped then, her eyes stinging harshly from behind her lids and a heavy weight pressing her into the boat as she'd fought the tears that had gripped at her throat.
Not oak trees, Cheryl. Don't think of oak trees, or whispered words under bedsheets. Think of maple trees and river water and anything else.
Don't think about her.
Don't do it.
Control yourself, Cheryl.
"I hadn't even said it then, JJ. I'm not sure I could have. It's all too much."
She'd opened her eyes, turning to her brother.
"Do you think I'm capable of it, Jason? Of saying those words? Of meaning them, JJ?" She'd whispered, her eyes imploring his honesty but hoping, secretly, should his answer be too painful for her that he would mercifully lie. "Is what I felt true, Jason? Will I ever be able to utter those words truthfully to someone or will they just be a pantomime like I said, just repeating what's said to me so that I can 'catch up' and force myself to lie so as not be left behind and discarded? To completely lack control?" She'd dropped her voice to a whisper, watching with pained eyes as Jason looked at her with a similar expression of hurt. "Am I loveless like mommy says, JJ?"
He had frowned, deeply, a scornful, wounded frown born of years of being the 'favourite,' years of being praised and cherished more than his sister, whom he loved so dearly, years of witnessing the brutality of words at which she had suffered. A frown of protest, of anger, at the injustice of it all.
His lips had pressed together tightly, his head shaking firmly, the certainty of his response clear in his eyes.
"I'm not loveless, JJ?"
He shook his head again.
"You really think, maybe one day, I'll find someone with whom I can share that promise?"
His frown washed away like the river water, the current bringing a gentle smile to lap at his face.
He'd nodded, his eyes bright and reassuring, and Cheryl had let out a deep breath, relaxing onto her back once more.
"On that day, when I say it, JJ. You'll be the first person I tell. " She vowed, "The very first person. I promise. I'll find you and I'll run to you and I'll hold you and I'll say..." She smiled, turning to meet his eyes.
"...I did it, JJ. I finally did it."
Cheryl let out a contented sigh, a small smile etched to her face. She hadn't been able to rid herself of it for more than a week now, still reeling from the heady experience that had been showing her mother who's in charge.
And she'd taken it, dear old Penelope. She'd taken it and hadn't gone back on her words or hatched some sordid scheme of revenge or placed a goose-down pillow over Cheryl's face and smothered her in the night.
She'd done as she was told, living under the rules of someone else's control for once.
Cheryl's control.
They had quite simply been the loveliest, most liberating, most peaceful days of her entire 17 year old life.
And all thanks to the girl who had given her the push to do it.
The lovely, pretty, soft and compassionate girl with whom she was laying, on top of the silk sheets of her bed, wrapped around in a tight embrace.
After a wonderful lunch of charcuterie - to which Toni had oh so sweetly referred as,
"What? Just a bunch of shit you'd put in a sandwich?"
the two had retired to Cheryl's bedroom for a nap. Toni had climbed onto the bed to join her, wrapping her limber little limbs around Cheryl's body, gripping her arms tightly to her back and anchoring her hands onto Cheryl's shoulders. With a brief kiss to a pale cheek, Toni had pressed her face deeply into the crook of Cheryl's neck and there it had remained, nose and mouth and forehead pressing eagerly, firmly into the white skin, ever since.
Cheryl felt the warm puffs of her breath wafting rhythmically against her neck, working in tandem with the rise and fall of her chest as they lay pressed completely together, slotting into one with ergonomic perfection. She was drifting her hands lazily over the bare skin of Toni's back, having slipped them beneath her shirt almost immediately, and was staring off at the far wall dreamily.
Hold on to her, little bird. Just hold on to her and float.
She bent her head just so, pressing her smiling lips to Toni's hairline, inhaling that wonderful, naturally earthen shampoo, her eyes fluttering.
Small hands gripped her shoulders tightly, the body attached to them wriggling contentedly and letting out a gruff hum of appreciation.
Cheryl smiled.
Was this the happiest she'd ever been?
Her smile widened as she pondered.
Had Sweetwater River, now tainted with despair and loss, been replaced by this bed, this moment, with this girl, as her favourite place in the world?
Yes, she thought.
Bullseye.
She felt a slow kiss being pressed lazily to her neck, toned legs tangling tighter with hers.
Absolute heaven.
You're a natural, Cheryl.
She slipped her fingers beneath the clasp of Toni's bra, leaving her palm to press warmly against the bumps of her spine and fanned out her fingers.
Touch.
Control.
Perfection.
"I'm not loveless, you know." She whispered, lips brushing lightly against Toni's hair.
The beats of breath against her skin stopped for a second, stalling before they resumed.
Another kiss was placed to her neck, firmer and slower this time, hands pulling Cheryl in tightly.
"I know." Came a raspy reply, muffled quietly against Cheryl's pulse. "Where'd that come from?"
'It's just so potent the way she looks at you, Cheryl.'
'Her eyes are just so open and it looks like...'
"I just want you to know that." Cheryl confirmed, her lips pressing to Toni's forehead again. "I know how people see me, some soulless automaton. Sociopathic lack of empathy. A Penelope 2.0."
Toni gripped her harder, nuzzling her nose into Cheryl's neck.
"But I'm not. I'm not a monster. I'm not loveless. And I just want you to know that, TT."
The arrow always leaves from the heart.
There was silence for a while, two pairs of arms gripping exponentially tighter in their grasp with each ticking second of Cheryl's clock.
Finally, soft lips moved against her neck in reply.
"All I've ever seen of you, Cher... is passion. Fire and life and passion. Even if it's pain. Or sorrow. You feel. You feel so deeply, Cheryl. How can someone with so much passion and so much feeling, be loveless?" Toni whispered, not moving her face from its cocoon, choosing her words carefully, "The way you talk about art. The way you talk about Jason. It's pure love. How can you be loveless? Anyone who can't see that is wilfully blind."
For the second instance in their short time together, Cheryl was rendered speechless by the reverent beauty and thoughtfulness of Toni's usually brazen words.
Bullseye.
"I think you're capable of pretty great love, Cheryl."
Cheryl willed her heart to slow down.
"You do?"
Toni's head shifted against her jaw as she nodded in affirmation.
"In fact, I think it's already inside you. Fucking shit-tons of love just built up over the years, ready to come out." Another kiss was pressed to her neck, Toni's voice dropping to a distant whisper, "you just need someone to give it to."
Cheryl wondered if she was even supposed to hear those words at all, uttered so much like one's innermost thoughts confirming themselves out loud to the speaker for their ears and their ears alone. Like listening at a door, or prying on a secret.
'Like eavesdropping on a prayer'
"I think you might be right, TT." She whispered, laying her head on top of Toni's, her chin scuffing lightly against her forehead and that pesky smile growing brightly on her face. "I think you might be right."