* * *
I sighed as I stared at my half empty suitcase. I had been trying to pack clothes for the past hour, but failed tremendously, since I didn't know what to bring to Germany.
I knew they were at the end of autumn, so it was going to be pretty cold.
I had winter clothes, that wasn't the problem. It was the fact that he was going to be there throughout the whole week and suddenly all my clothes seemed to be old and worn out.
It had been a whole week since our incident in his office. We hadn't spoken a word about it. He didn't acknowledge my existence except from last Friday, when he texted me to say he couldn't do our routine hospital thing because he had some 'personal matters' to take care of.
It was now Monday and I had to be at the airport in less than twelve hours.
Maybe he had regretted what happened. After all, he was my professor, so any type of unprofessional contact was something completely immoral.
I still remembered how I felt when I left his office. My mind was so dizzy I could even feel electricity running from the top of my head to the tip of my toes. Like I had been given some kind of electroshock.
It wasn't until I had arrived home and Kate had asked me what in heaven was wrong, that I realized what a stupid thing I had done.
Because I did it.
I started it.
I kissed him.
I sighed as I put my final pair of jeans inside the suitcase.
«But he didn't stop me either.»
He must regret it. I wouldn't be surprised. He had his reputation that couldn't be jeopardized to think about. A rumor about the prestigious doctor Vennberg getting involved with a freshmen medicine student wasn't going to do him any good.
For god's sake, I didn't even know the man's age. He was clearly thirty something. So he was at least ten years older than me.
I can't really blame me for that. I've always liked older men. And although I've only had one boyfriend before, I did have my fair share of experiences.
I heard the lock of my front door being turned along with muffled sounds of a conversation. I recognized Kate and Jacob on the other side of the wall.
The door finally opened and Kate's hazel eyes met mine. She was carrying some groceries while laughing about some stupid thing our friend must've said.
I hadn't told her anything about the kiss. She didn't even know Ethan and I had our Friday surgeries.
I trusted her with my life, but there are some things that are better left unsaid. Plus it was only one kiss. It wasn't going to happen again, even though I oh-so desperately wanted to repeat it.
"Well, Hello there, travel girl." My friend's voice distracted me from my thoughts. I knew she was pissed with herself for not getting into the program and missed this opportunity, but at the same time, she was too stubborn to admit it.
"Sup, Kate." I smiled, trying to make her feel comforted. My head turned to the dirty blonde standing beside her. "Hey Jacob, here to pick me up already? What have I done to deserve such a special personal driver?" His green orbs danced in amusement.
"Hey, stranger." He mocked me. "Thank you so much for abandoning me in that hell hole. Very kind of you." I perfectly knew he was talking about Ethan's class. I had -purposely- missed last week's class and today's one. I was stuck with a whole week of having to deal with him, so I didn't want to face him more than needed. "And no. I'm not going to take you to the airport. Get there by yourself, Knox."
"Come on," I pleaded as I stood up to help Kate with the bags she was holding. "Vennberg isn't that bad." I started placing the food on their corresponding cabinets. I knew I wasn't completely lying. He was trouble, but I couldn't help but feel my stomach turn every time his name was pronounced.
"Oh, don't shit talk to me. He's a dick, especially today and last week. I honestly don't know what crawled up his ass." I did. "He even looked like he dreads the idea of going to Germany. I mean, if he hates it so much, then why the heck doesn't he delegate the traveling to someone else?"
"He could delegate it to me." Kate spoke from behind me. Jacob laughed and petted her head. Kate playfully shoved his hand off her. I watched in amusement. It's crazy to think how much I love these people.
"Well, ladies," Jacob said, making his way to the front door. "I'd love to stay here and chit chat with you some more, but I have bags to pack that won't get done by themselves." We said our goodbyes and just as he was about to go out the door I yelled.
"I'll be ready at six!"
"Fuck you, Knox." He answered as the door closed behind him.
As I started washing the dishes, the thought of Vennberg not wanting to travel filled my head. Was this the thing he was discussing with Dr. Hershel the other day at his office? Why wouldn't he want to go and why would Dr. Hershel make him go?
"You know," Kate said, starting to boil some water to cook something for us. "I can practically hear the gears turning inside your brain." I laughed at her comment. She knew me too well.
"Spill it."
I hesitated about telling her. It wouldn't really hurt anyone, right? The conversation between Vennberg and the dean probably meant nothing, so it wasn't a big deal.
"I was thinking about how Jacob said Vennberg seemed to dread going to Europe," I started. "The other day, I went to his office to give him my paper," I lied. That was the day he offered to meet me every Friday at the hospital. "but before I could knock on the door, I heard him talking to Dr. Hershel."
Kate was now giving me her full attention. "You mean the university's Dean?" She asked as I nodded my head.
"Their relationship seemed pretty close, I must even dare to say that he acts like a father to the professor." Kate raised one eyebrow, so I elaborated it for her. "He did take him under his wing and taught him everything he knew, so he is a kind of paternal figure, I guess." I was now drying the dishes and putting them in place. "Anyways, they weren't just casually talking, they were arguing. I remember Vennberg saying he wasn't going to do it, that he wouldn't put a single foot on a plane and then Dr. Hershel said that if he didn't do it, then he was gonna have to fire him from his job at the hospital." Kate turned to me with a questioning look.
"That's weird. Do you think they were talking about this trip? Why wouldn't he want to go?"
"I hadn't thought about it until now. Although it doesn't make much sense, as far as I know, this is the only plane he'll step on since that conversation." Kate loves mysteries, I knew that as soon as I opened my mouth she would be obsessed to know the truth.
I wasn't going to lie, I wanted to figure it out too. I wanted to know what was behind that handsome face of his. I remembered his tortured ocean eyes as he spoke to Frederick Hershel that day.
He did tell Ethan to get over it. Get over what, though?
Whatever it was, it must be serious.
«What was it? Why wouldn't he want to go? Was it Germany?»
I took out some plates for us to eat in as we headed to the living room.
We unanimously decided to drop the subject and sit down on the couch to watch Netflix as we ate the pasta Kate had prepared.
Kate told me all about how she and Chris are 'sort of seeing each other'. I was happy for my friend. After all that staring and flirting at his party, if they didn't get together it meant they were clearly blind.
I hoped they were good for each other and for Chris to treat her right, otherwise I might have to spend my life in jail for murder. I sighed and fixed my stare on the blonde beside me.
We watched the show in silence, enjoying the food.
"I'm going to miss you." I finally spoke as we were finishing the episode.
She smiled at me. "Aw, shut up. It's only a week." She got a pillow thrown at her face in response.
* * *
"Jacob, wait up!" I panted as I practically ran like a madwoman carrying my bag. "God, you're so annoying."
"Don't blame me for your ancient behavior, Lia." He said having the decency to stop and wait for me.
"Only Kate is allowed to call me that and, ancient? You are like a toddler on Christmas!" I huffed.
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever, Lia." We reached the queue to go through airport security.
"Do you know at what time the plane takes off?" I asked my friend as I put on my jacket and grabbed my bag from the security cart.
"10.45 PM, I think?" I groaned childishly. We had at least two hours before the plane took off. I hated waiting.
"And I'm the toddler." He mocked me.
"Shut up." We walked to the nearest coffee shop and sat down. We made our orders as I opened my laptop to see if I could get some work done. Yes, we were about to spend a week in Germany, with conferences, classes, speeches and all that jazz. But I would still miss seven days of my other college classes. That meant papers, books and exams. Note my stress level.
"I'll go and buy some things before we take off." Jacob said, standing up from his seat. "Look after my stuff, will ya?" I answered with a curt 'no' before smirking. He rolled his eyes and left.
I felt my phone buzz in my pocket before I took it to look at the caller ID.
It was Kate.
"Miss me already?" I spatted sarcastically as soon as I hit the answer button.
"Shut up and open the link I emailed you, now!" She sounded agitated.
«Alright then, miss sunshine.»
I checked my mail only to see that I had a new message from my friend. I opened it eagerly before clicking on the link.
"This better not be a virus, Kate, or I swear I'll-" I stopped mid sentence because what was before my eyes completely shut me out.
It was a homepage of CNN news. I noticed its date: October, 2013. Why would she send me something from five years ago?
'AMERICAN AIRLINES FLIGHT 173'
What the fuck?
"Kate, what hell is this?" I managed out. My voice was a wreck of confusion. Why was she showing me this?
"Keep reading."
I closed my laptop, abruptly. I couldn't keep reading. My head was spinning and the dizziness made it hard for me to focus my vision.
"Amalia, are you still there?" The voice on the other line asked.
"How did you find this?" It sounded more of a faint mumble than I had intended to.
"It was really hard, it's the only article there is about that accident that involves Ethan." She said, trying out his name. "I guess he doesn't want anyone to find out. I don't blame him, though. I would want to bury my past as further as possible too, if I were him."
I saw Jacob approaching our table from the corner of my eye.
"Kate, I have to go. I'll text you later, okay?" I ended the call before she could answer.
"What's wrong?" He said as soon as he reached his seat. "You look like you've seen a ghost or something." His green orbs full of concern.
"It's nothing, I feel a bit sick, that's all." I said as I stood up from my table. "I'm going to use the toilet." I managed as I grabbed my stuff and rushed to the bathroom.
I couldn't concentrate on my steps, I didn't know how I could hold my bag and I couldn't even properly push the cubicle's door open.
I only noticed that my vision was being blurred out from tears when I sat down. I couldn't stop them, they kept on going as I hugged my knees.
I couldn't believe the grief this man had gone through.
To say I was mad was an understatement. I was furious, infuriated at life for giving him this shitload. No one deserved this. Losing one family member is painful enough, I can't even begin to imagine how wrecking it must be to lose all of it at once.
I can't even begin to imagine how tortured he must've felt. How alone.
I heard a voice through the speakers of the place. 'Flight 181 to Berlin, Germany. This is the last boarding call.'
'Flight 181 to Berlin, Germany. This is the last boarding call.'
«Fuck.»
I stood up, washed my face and tried to look as presentable as possible and then made my way to the gate.
There was an inpatient looking lady who let out a sigh in relief when she saw me approaching her.
"Thank god you're here, five more minutes and they were going to get your suitcase out of the plane." I let out a smile that probably looked more like a pained expression.
She let me in and I walked through the long hall until my feet reached the airplane gate.
"Good evening, Miss," a tall flight attendant told me, he looked as cheerful as a crew member can be. I nodded in response, just before my eyes met him. It was the first time I had seen him in one week. He looked completely different from the last time I was able to study his features.
He had purple bags under his eyes and his beard was the longest I've ever seen in him. He still looked devilishly handsome, but you could notice that there were probably a million things worrying him rather than himself.
I wasn't surprised by the fact that he was sitting in first class, nor by the fact that the seat beside him wasn't taken. He probably had paid for both of them in propuse, just to be by himself.
He was staring through the window, oblivious of the rest of the world. He looked so lost.
A sudden wave of need rushed through me. A deep need to comfort him, to hold him and make him feel better, even if I had to drag him out of here and not go to Germany.
Without even thinking twice, I sat down next to him. It was only then when he noticed my presence. His face showed confusion, but he didn't question me. Not a single sound escaped his mouth as I put down my bag to the floor.
I looked at him once again. I had never seen him this vulnerable before. He looked so human. He was scared to death, I could feel it. He emanated it through every pore of his body.
It was when he looked down at his lap to fidget with his fingers I wished I had never had to see him this way. It was painful. Every single fiber of mine was aching along with him.
My hand went down to place itself on top of his. I felt his muscles stiffen at first, but then he welcomed my embrace. Relaxing a bit into me.
I took his hand to my lips and gave it a soft peck.
"Hey," I said.
My eyes met his once again. The blue color that found its way into my mind most of the time was now reflecting a feeling I couldn't quite place in order.
"It's alright." I pronounced and then the intensity of his stare got stronger.
He was thankful.
He squeezed my hand in response and I gave him a reassuring smile before resting my head on his shoulder.