A/N Note :
This is not about Septiplier!
This will be from Marks point of view.
(Mark)
I woke up once again. I felt like nothing was gonna happen. The phone started to ring as I just had opened my eyes - and I realised I was a minute earlier than I was supposed to be. I already felt very tired even if I'd gotten enough sleep. I looked at my messages and there weren't any.But I had missed like a few calls.Who was that?It was
Amy.. She was my girlfriend and she was like the best person that I had in my life.I was wondering. It was still early and I didn't wanted to answer it yet. I decided to get up and I looked at the view. The sun was shining but I wasn't quite happy about it. Because everytime the sun would come into my eyes would hurt like hell and I wasn't able to fully open my eyes. Finally after a few mins, I got used to the sunlight which was very annoying for me. I just wanted to hide. I was feeling sad - and everything was just.. grey. I lived. But I just lived from day to day doing the same things as I always did.
You know. Like I was zombie, trying to find my own creativity back. My world just turned into a place without any meaning and I was thinking - this all was my fault. I tried to think something funny and original but my mind was busy with something else.
Oh God. I always was that kind of person which was overanalyzing things. And all of sudden my heart felt like someone pulled a knife into it.
It felt like.. bleeding. Like I was smiling.
But I faked my smile. I lied about being fine..
I WAS NOT!
My heart broke into milion pieces, like a glass which fell on the ground.
I felt like I was frozen. Nothing was important. Life just felt like someone gave me a syringe against pain.
I FELT EMPTY. I FELT NOTHING!
Sometimes I wanted to make it over. I was sick of fighting and hearing my own thoughts.
They kept on saying..
"You're not good enough"
They kept on coming, making me feel less worth the gift which was called life.
There was the only one chance. And I've lost this.
There was a day where everything went wrong.
And I didn't reacted. I just ..
Walked away. I..How could I? Today I was broken. My soul felt like it was there but my mind was thinking about him.
About the one who disappeared. And here he was again.
He was fucking standing in front of me. And I froze in shock.
He changed. He was a whole different person. I saw his face expression. He smiled.I started to freak out on the inside but outside I putted my usual bored face while inside I struggled with that what I should say.
I tried to not look away. So many memories, they just flashed in front of my eyes. I remembered it all but I realised it was no longer alive. They died.. The beautiful times which were the best .. That everything was just a picture in my mind. I saw this but I couldn't reach for that. I couldn't feel that happiness which I felt back then.
It was so far away. I felt like I was lying. My own lies burned into my soul like fire. I was feeling I was gonna die slowly, from burning in my own lies. But it was happening very slowly - it was like a torture for my mind. I was always a sensitive person. The hours were passing but I didn't felt that.
And now..He was back. I wish I could turn back the time but it was too late.
I fuckin..I missed him. But I couldn't speak it out loud. My mind was saying that was a bad idea. I wanted to hug him.
Maybe it was for the last time.
He didn't had a lot time. He travelled a lot and he surprised me when he said that he wanted to see me.
I mean, why would he..?
There was nothing between us.
Our feelings were already digged deep down in the ground. I said to myself so many times..
I had to go on. The past was part of me- I couldn't throw it out, like the photos or whatever I had.
I complained about just leaving the place where I lived.
Too much pain. I still struggled with those memories.
That hitted me like a stone. And I walked with a heavy guilty feeling.
That didn't left since I could think clear.
And now I had to figure it out.
Will I speak my mind or will I just lie?
"Hey, Mark did you zoned out?" I heard his voice. He sounded so kinda cute when he said my name.
I thought - Mark stop! You're not anymore into him, right?
" Ugh,sorry Jack. I was kinda thinking about um.. stuff." - I answered.
I mean.. What I ever did to deserve that? He was so lovely, so selfless..
And I was just everything what was wrong. I tried to hide my emotions from everyone who tried to read me. I was like almost unable for everyone.
But he made it. He figured me out and I felt like I was open book for him. I could see the known face expression. He suspected that, didn't he? I hoped he didn't because I...
I messed his life up.I was a bad person. I almost made Signe mad and she well- she was probably still angry. I could bet on it, 'cause I almost made him break with her.
Oh, I made so many mistakes. Why did I had to see him after this?
He had such perfect personality and he was so pure. I was ..I had done so many things wrong.
I didn't deserved that angel. He just felt like he fell from heaven.
And I was everything but I sure was not a angel.
I was just a human being, right?
" Mark, are you lying? I can see the sadness spreading through the eyes" I again heard the words.
Yeah. I was sad. I was ..depressed. My world just crushed together down when he left. And he told that all was my fault.
He wasn't wrong. It was. It actually was.
It always been my fault. It never changed..And now huh, he didn't acted like he wanted to slap me or hurt. I quite was expecting him to yell at me but he was just calm.
" Nah, I'm fine. " - I lied.
I swear, I'm going to hell for the all lies. It was just hiding all these tears.
I didn't wanted to cry.
Not in front of him!
" Ok, but tell me if you wanna talk about that, k?" - Jack spoke it like he really was worried.
" Yeah. By the way, why did you came here?" I asked.
Like ..
DID HE HAD A REASON?!
I took a deep breath and waited for his answer. His blue, sweet and dreamy eyes were looking straight into my. I again had to say I had to fuckin' damn stop. But I could stare into the ocean eyes for years.
I loved that innocent look once. Now I tried to not stare for a long time because we were only.. friends.
We were actually supposed to be. But I was still fighting with my own thoughts. I had to fuckin' move on. Jack was right. I wasn't going on, I standed in one place. All that was happening because of that one thing.
It felt like the lights of happiness were switched off. Now I felt like I wanted to jump out of myself.
"Well..Since I have a tour in America I thought I could stay for a night or is that a problem?" - he asked.
No..He wasn't a problem. I was one. I was the one, who needed something to put myself again together.
I needed anything.
But did I loved Amy?
I did!
Then why I wondered 'bout the even littlest details?
I need to.. decide. Now or never.
" It's not a problem. You're a very good friend and you were always for me so feel like home..I guess?" I said it insecure.
" Thank you! I have to ask you something, be honest okay?" . He told that like he was expecting that I'll not hide everything from him.
" Oh. I'll have to be." I told, laughing a bit. But it didn't sounded real. It was a bit sad laugh.
" Do you still have feelings,Mark?" I heard.
I started to think. I'm not into him.
That's only the freaking past thing. I have to say no. I'm gonna say no!- I thought.
"I.. I mean.. N-no!" I finally managed to tell what I wished to.
" You stuttered on that!" he noticed.
FUCK! FUCK.. DON'T BREAK DOWN. MARK JUST NO- I thought.
" Because I'm feeling a little nervous, are you happy?" I said that a little bit pissed. He suddenly catched me and I started to feel my heart going like it raced.It beated like I still loved that damn Irish boy.
I don't feel it! I was over him. I was over the boy who told me I should go f*** myself. And he was hella right.
I deserved to be out of his life.
I had no place in there. I was supposed to be gone.
I tried to kill myself, to take this sh* t away. I wanted to leave this world.
I didn't belonged anymore in here. I wanted everything to vanish. But I decided to stay.
Why?
I didn't wanted to quit yet. But living in pain was a lot worse than being gone.
Because I was left by myself.
No one heard me scream internally - I felt kinda I tried to tell about it but everytime I screamed but it was just a internal suffering.
No one saw it.
And he wasn't gonna find it out..
" Mark. Don't be mad. I freakin' was worried. That's all, y'know.." he spoke it very quiet.
I fixed my hair and all I wanted to say was to tell him to leave.
Why didn't I said it?
I was confused. It was so hard. Why I wouldn't simply try to speak my mind out?
I didn't wanted him to be angry, that was one of reasons. And there were so many other..
" Duh. You know what? I don't need you worrying about me, I'm just piece of trash. I-..".
I didn't finished the sentence because he pulled me into a hug and those were a few amazing seconds. I felt better when he was close.
I tried so hard to not tear up. I didn't know why but leaving the past behind was the hardest part of existing here.
How could I do it so easily as he did?
I really once..
I need to stop. I'm overthinking.
"Better?" - his voice brought me to reality.
" Oh a lot better!" I said happily.
All of sudden I realised something. I had to let it go or I would still hurt myself..by holding on something from a long time ago.
" Good. Let's play, maybe some horror games?" he asked with his cool accent.
I really liked to listen him but..
It was over.
Forever. It was not anymore a thing.
It was the time. The time came to finally live on.
And it was not tomorrow.
Not in a few days.
It was.. Today.
Sorry for the all grammar mistakes if there are any and I know it's not original idea but I just felt inspired and I decided to write this.
Please don't hate if you don't like it.
And I'm very sorry because I know it's bad ;-;
Have a nice day/ night / evening ✌
( I added this song it's the best song to listen while reading)