NOTE: This is NOT an epilogue. It's a bonus chapter with deleted scenes. Yes...it's very long, having over 12,000 words; but I promise you that the read won't be a drag. Hehe.
I'm In Love with a Plumber
x-x-x
BONUS:
The deleted scenes... (UPDATED!)
oOo
- How it all kind of started... -
"Happy 21st birthday!!!"
Sakura eyed the cake on the table and briefly looked around the room. There were only a few presents on the table. She quickly walked over to the window and looked out into the driveway; there wasn't a car there. Maybe they got her a car, but wanted her to think that they didn't and then pull out the key and say 'SURPRISE!'
Hoee! Who am I kidding?
"Happy birthday, dear!" Her father said and handed her a Hallmark greeting card.
You're kidding me... Sakura thought in her mind. A greeting card? Her father gave her a greeting card on her 21st birthday...?
"Uh... t-thank you, Otou-san..."
The card read:
Today is happy
It most certainly is
Shake a pop
And make it fizz
Swim or skate
Take your pick
Hit a mailbox
With a stick
Fall or trip
Laugh or play
Do whatever
It's your birthday
Oh, before I forget
Just so you know
Your mother and I
Betrothed you a long time ago.
Sakura had three things running through her mind. One, that had to be the worst birthday card ever. Two, betrothed—what the freak!? And three, she didn't know Hallmarks made cards for occasions like that.
You learn something new every day...
zZz
- Syaoran and the first man on the moon... -
Dang it.
Li Syaoran hated his life. He hated his stupid life.
His work schedule was out of control with women calling in every freaking minute and second when they didn't even need a plumber. One woman called in just to get him to her place to ask if he would like a cup of tea. Oh, well... The women were throwing their money out of the window, not like he had a problem with that. But still... he needed someone to keep the hungry felines occupied. He had a feeling that it wouldn't be long until one of them snapped and raped him.
And when Eriol heard about Syaoran's problem, he practically begged the man to hire a secretary, or rather this chick who had been bothering the black head about getting her a job and he just wanted to shut her up. All Syaoran knew about the girl was that she was a friend of Eriol—his girlfriend's cousin to be exact—and Eriol was going to introduce the two another time. Syaoran just grunted and agreed. He was desperate for someone to take the tedious workload off his shoulders. Beggars can't be choosers.
So, there he was after a hard day from work; going home to his apartment and hoping to get a relaxing shower. He was nearing the building when he noticed a girl standing at the entrance. She was just standing there with suitcases in her hands, looking at the building.
And being the grown man that he was, like all men with hormones, he gave her the once over look. She looks like a 36-25-34, he thought. Cute butt.
He was close enough to hear what she was saying to herself. "You know what the first man on the moon said," she said. "There's no money on the moon, but then there's no money in my pockets either."
"Who said that?" Syaoran didn't realize he had said something until he heard his own voice.
The girl jumped and spun around. The first thing he'd noticed was her eyes—it was kind of rare for a Japanese girl to have emerald eyes... almost too rare.
He stared down at her chest. Make that a 32-25-34.
He noticed that she was gazing at him with that look. The look every woman gave him—the 'oh-my-god-he-is-so-dreamy' look. He came to the conclusion that she was moving into the building and groaned. Just wonderful. Another thing he needed was for another woman to stalk him around the building.
But on the other hand...
He quickly roamed his eyes over her body again. She was quite...
Not bad, he thought. Okay, he did not undress the girl in his mind! ... he just had a very introspective graphic moment of her...
And the first man on the moon shouted out, 'Eureka!'
Okay... he really needed to do something about the little extra 'C19H28O2' in his body.
zZz
- Touya and the runaway dog... -
"Turn off the stupid light and go to sleep!" Nakuru snapped with growing frustration and threw a pillow at her husband.
"She should have called me by now!" he exclaimed in irritation. "Why hasn't she called?!"
"Touya..." the woman breathed dangerously. "If I don't get my sleep soon, I will hang you up like Christmas ornaments. Now turn off the light and go to sleep!"
He sighed and climbed into bed. "You're right... it's probably nothing."
That didn't calm him though 'cause half an hour later he was heading for the airport and catching a flight to Japan. It wasn't until he had gotten to Japan that he remembered about his wife, who was still in another country for their second honeymoon...alone. And he immediately flew back to China. On the way, he tried to come up with an excuse to prevent 'Bambi and friends' from becoming Christmas ornaments.
When he got back to the hotel, he found his sweet dear wife waiting for him at the door with a knife in one hand and an apple in the other—a very round apple.
"Welcome back, honey," she said. "How was your trip? Was it...pleasant?" She started peeling the apple.
Touya gulped. "Did you s-s-sleep well?"
Nakuru smiled. "Oh, yes—very well. In fact, I slept so well I had a lot of time to think about a lot of things."
"Like what?"
"Like...how to cut apples for an example. Do you want me to slice your apples for you?"
"NO!" Touya screamed. "I like my apples whole."
"Then start explaining." She placed the apple onto the table and stabbed the knife into it. "You better have a decent excuse for leaving me in the middle of the night."
Touya chuckled nervously. "Ah, well, you see... I couldn't sleep last night so I decided to walk the dog, but then the dog ran away and I had to chase after it. Pretty smart dog, you know. Then somehow I ended up in Japan and I—" He stopped and sighed. "Damn. We didn't bring Kero along, did we?"
"Nope. We did not."
Note to self: Make sure to have the dog first before using the 'dog excuse'.
zZz
- Tomoyo and the Mario Wonder... -
Wow... he's a plumber?
She didn't get a good look at Syaoran when she first saw him, because he had garbage all over him, but when he came out of the restroom with a clean face and outfit... that was a different story to tell. The four decided to leave the mall to go get a drink at some place and chat for a bit.
Tomoyo gaped at the man sitting across the table from her in awe, her chin resting on her hand to stop it from falling to the ground. That wouldn't be good at all, especially when she had her boyfriend sitting next to her. Sakura had told her that her boss was hot, but dang—seeing him in person just gave 'hot' a whole different definition. But, of course, Eriol was still number one in Tomoyo's eyes.
She couldn't believe he was a plumber though.
Well, being a plumber wasn't a bad thing. From what Sakura had told her, the man was pretty popular with the ladies—she'd decided that it was a 'plumber' thing. After all, Mario was a plumber and everybody just loved him. Maybe Syaoran was the next Mario.
Heh. Maybe I should ask Sakura how good he jumps... or hops.
She started giggling at her own joke. If Syaoran was Mario, then did that make Eriol... Luigi? Well, Eriol did have fast feet... very fast.
"Tomoyo, are you okay?" Sakura tapped her on the shoulder lightly.
"Huh? Oh, y-yeah, just hoppy!" she smiled. "So, Syaoran-kun... Sakura said that you were a plumber?"
He groaned. "I'm actually a..."
Even his voice is hot. Tomoyo giggled and started to tune out everything he was saying. All she heard was blah blah blah; she could tell that Sakura was thinking the same thing as she was—D.R.E.A.M.Y.
But Tomoyo was thinking of a different kind of 'dreamy'. She was trying to picture if Syaoran would look better in a suit or a tux. She'd finally decided that he would look dashing in a tuxedo.
White or black? She gave it a lot of thought. BOTH!
He could always wear the white tux for the wedding ceremony and the black one for the reception. Yup. Daidouji Tomoyo was already planning her kawaii cousin's perfect wedding in her head. She was going to design Sakura the most beautiful gown ever.
He's...about what? Six foot?
Take it from her. Trying to predict someone's measurements in your head wasn't easy. She didn't know how guys could easily do it though.
"Syaoran, how long are you?" she blurted out, interrupting the man's explanation.
Eriol spat his drink across the table.
"Why do you want to know how long he is!?" he shouted.
Tomoyo bit her bottom lip. She couldn't let the other two know that she was planning their wedding for them. "Erm... curiosity?" she said instead.
"You don't ask someone how long they are because you're curious!"
"I only want to know how long his legs are!" the girl cried. "Is it a crime or something?"
zZz
- Yue and his new 'best' friend... -
Hey, Kami-sama...
It's me. I know it's been at least twenty years since I last talked to you—yeah, well... you're not the only one who is disappointed with how I turned out. Anyway, I haven't asked you for anything in a very long time... but, please, I am begging you to get rid of this thing!
Yue was desperate for an escape. From what?
"So, like, did you inherit the property from your parents? Is it like a family business that has been passed down from one generation to another? Who is the founder? The place isn't so bad, but maybe you can do a little retouching with the place. Some of the systems are kind of old and the..." And the brown haired woman continued to talk.
Didn't she need to take a moment to breathe? Yue mentally shot himself in the head. He looked up at the ceiling dramatically as if he was expecting someone to answer his cry for help.
You see, Lord? This kind of torture should only be allowed in hell... Please... make her go away, make her disappear, take her to heaven!
Although, he had a feeling God didn't want Nakuru in heaven either... and something told him even the Lord of the Underworld was scared of her. Nakuru was God's punishment to the human race for all of the things they've done.
Why did he even invite the woman in when she showed up at his door with a cheesecake in her hands? Curses on the cheesecake—no one could resist a cheesecake! It was like an unwritten rule. You. Don't. Say. No. To. Desserts.
"Hey, Yue, what's your last name? Do you have a last name? Why do you frown so much—I've never seen you smile—and like, do you ever go out? I see you in front of the TV all the time. I bet you'd marry the TV if you could, eh? Yeah. That's what all the TV addicts are saying. I'm a half-addict...."
Yue grabbed the remote and turned on the volume as high as it would go, hoping to drown the woman's voice out.
"You know... you're probably the first person I've talked to outside the house," she said. Yue pressed the button faster, but it didn't seem to be working. "I was a full-time housewife when I was married to Touya. Of course, I still talk to my friends on the phone and meet up with them sometimes, but it's not the same you know?"
The volume was up to its limits, but he could still hear the woman yapping away like she'd never talked before in her entire life. He sighed exasperatedly, looking up at the ceiling again.
Okay. You win. What do you want from me? I'll start praying to you before every meal and before I go to sleep—I'll even sacrifice a Virgin! ... do you want a divorced housewife instead?...
"You're my new best friend!"
And... to add to the very dramatic and heartfelt moment, the TV suddenly exploded. Yue felt as though his heart had just been ripped apart.
"Aww! It's okay..." she patted his shoulder lightly. "Hey, look on the bright side! Now you and I can have some quality 'best friend' time!" Oh...shit. "Let's go shop for a new TV!"
Yue didn't love TV the same way again after it had betrayed him.
zZz
- The divorce...-
"So, have you come to a conclusion?" Kaho asked. Touya and Nakuru glanced at each other for a brief second, and then both nodded in agreement. "Okay, then. Because I am your lawyer and your close friend, I will ask you again: are you sure about this?"
"We think it'll be better this way," said Touya.
Kaho sighed. "Nakuru, I have questions to ask you since you filed for the divorce. What are the grounds for your divorce?"
"I guess I can't ask for the house, because it belongs to Otou-san as much as it belongs to Touya," said Nakuru, tapping her chin thoughtfully. "All I'm asking for is the safe-deposit in our room."
Touya suddenly jumped up from his seat. "You'll get the safe-deposit when I rot in hell!"
"I've been unemployed and living off your money all these years," said Nakuru. "I need something to start my new life."
"NOT my deposit box!"
"Don't be so cheap, Touya!"
Kaho sweatdropped. "Guys, please..."
"That's my retirement saving."
"You still have a lot of money left in the bank."
"That's a different story!" exclaimed Touya.
"I have credit in this business, too, you know." Nakuru said. "Kaho, you tell him we both have equal shares—I gave birth to this company!"
"Kaho—" Touya gave the woman a solemn glare, "—when I put a dollar into a soda machine and the soda comes out, does the soda belong to me or the soda machine?"
The other woman sighed and said, "You two have my question all wrong. I meant, what is the foundation of this case?"
"Well, the safe is made of fireproof materials," answered Nakuru.
"I mean," Kaho continued, "What are your relations like?"
"Otou-san is such a great cook, and Sakura makes the best shopping buddy on a dreary day."
The other woman said, "Let me make this very simple for you to understand, Nakuru. Does Touya beat you?"
"All the time!" the brunette exclaimed loudly. "He never lets me win when we play cards or monopoly. It's like, he always has to win."
Kaho sighed, closed the lid to her laptop, and pushed her chair back just a little—frustrated. She leaned back in her seat tenting her fingers slowly and said (not so calmly), "I'm trying to freaking ask you why you want this stupid divorce!"
Nakuru made an 'o' shape with her mouth and smiled cutely. "Why didn't you say so?"
Touya rubbed his temples. Even he was frustrated by his own wife, let alone the other woman. His father was right after all. On his wedding day, his father had said to him that marriage required the man to prepare four types of rings: engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering, and enduring.
"Because Touya says he can't communicate with me," answered Nakuru.
"Dear, God..." Kaho mumbled to herself.
"...so, about that safe-deposit..." said Nakuru.
Touya sighed. Something told him it was going to be a long day and he should call the office to let them know he was stuck at the his lawyer's office, defending his safe-deposit with his life. Now Touya understood why hurricanes were always named after women. When they arrive, they're wet and wild; but when they leave, they leave you with nothing.
zZz
- Why SEX can be deceptive... -
"Thank you for the lovely present, Sakura." Eriol said when he saw her and Syaoran off at the door. "It was fun winning."
The girl growled and stormed off to the car.
"Sakura, wait!" Syaoran called out. Turning to look at Eriol, he said, "Thanks a lot. Now I have to listen to her complain on the ride home."
Eriol smirked. "Later."
"Why don't you like Sakura?" Tomoyo asked when he had closed the door.
"I do like her," he answered. "I just despise her more than I like her."
"I give up..." the girl sighed. "At least you two try to get along—if I can call making nifty insults 'getting along'."
Eriol chuckled and wrapped his arms around her delicate waist. "You know... I have a fetish for SEX now."
"Really? I'm up for a game of one on one, too." She giggled.
"I'll turn off the lights down here and meet up with you in the bedroom." He watched her go, admiring the gentle sway of her hips, the graceful way she moved. When she was out of sight, he quickly went to turn off the lights downstairs and grabbed the Scrabble box off the coffee table in the living room.
Surprisingly, he actually liked the gift. He was rather fond of it. One, Sakura sucked at it and he was the Scrabble King. Two, it was quite entertaining. It helped him relax some of the stress from work.
He was just ecstatic that Sakura's plan to tick him off backfired. He adored the expression on the younger girl's face. Priceless.
"Okay, I got the game—" he pushed the bedroom door open and froze. Lying in bed was his girlfriend—naked. Not that he was complaining, but... "Are you going to bed already?"
"What do you mean? I thought you said you wanted to..."
"Yeah. I was thinking we could play a little Scrabble before bed. What were you thinking of?"
The girl laughed nervously, her cheeks turning a shade of red as she pulled the blanket to cover herself. "Strip Scrabble?"
zZz
- Not suitable for children...-
Thirteen-year-old Li Syaoran was not a happy little camper.
"Oh, hell to the fucking no!" he cussed foully; well, as foul as a thirteen-year-old boy living in the States could get nowadays, due to the trends and all that good stuffs. "I am leaving."
His friend gave him the most irresistible pout ever. "Syaoran, come with me!"
"I am not going to a wooing class with you!!!" Syaoran shouted at the top of his lungs.
"Syaoran, I can't go alone," the black head continued. "And I worked so hard to fake my dad's signature."
"...how did you even pay for the class?"
"My piggy bank."
Syaoran sighed. How could he say no? Someone shoot him already.
He followed the other boy reluctantly as they entered the small building up ahead.
"Boys, can I help you?" a man came and asked them at the entrance. "This place isn't for teenage boys."
"I paid for a class though," said Koji. He dug into his pockets for something, and pulled out a crumbled piece of paper. "See? Here is the receipt with my father's signature saying that I have his approval."
The man examined the paper closely. "Well... if you already paid, but I warn you. This place isn't for little kids, and the class you signed up for isn't normal. Go down this hall, your classroom is the last room on the right. Good luck and be careful—especially your good looking friend here."
Syaoran didn't know if the man was talking about him or what. Either way, it totally freaked him out when the man called him good looking. That was one compliment no male specimen wanted to hear coming from the same sex.
"Koji, what kind of class did you even sign up for?" he decided to ask for the first time. "Why did the man warn us—especially me?"
Koji smiled innocently. "Ah, you see... the thing is..."
Syaoran was amazed to see so many men in one room. They were all older than him and Koji—apparently. Some were in their late teens and early twenties, and some were in their middle ages. For some odd reason, he felt out of place.
"Are you new?" a guy came up to him and asked. "How old are you?"
"None of your business," Syaoran grunted.
The guy smiled. "I'm nineteen."
"Good for you." Syaoran cringed when the guy came closer—too close for his liking.
I am not being hit on, he told himself. I refuse to be hit on!
Syaoran might be thirteen, but he knew enough to know what was happening—and so did Koji, because he was half guffawing from where he was standing.
"So, what sign were you born under?" Oh, yeah. He was definitely being hit on.
Syaoran made sure to give the guy the iciest and most evil glare a thirteen-year-old could and said, "Do not enter."
He was relieved when the guy walked away with his head hung low.
"I see you're already so popular." Koji laughed.
Syaoran gritted his teeth together. "Koji, what kind of fucking class is this?"
"Wooing for bisexuals," the other boy smiled innocently.
If it weren't for a middle-aged man with gray hair interrupting them, Syaoran would've jumped the boy without any sort of hesitation or whatsoever. "I never expected such young students in the class..." mused the man. "Oh well, as long as you paid, it ain't my problem."
Was money all these people cared about?
The man handed each of them a packet. "For now we're just reading this. We will discuss it after everyone is done."
Syaoran eyed the packet in his hands. Why was he there again? He didn't want to be there in the first place, so why was he holding a packet called 'The Foundations of Men & Women'? The packet read:
Welcome to Wooing 101! This class will teach you everything you need to know about wooing the object of your desires. We will exploit the differences between men and women, as well as the different tactics that you should and should not use. Remember—wooing is fifty percent appearance, twenty-five percent skills, and twenty-five percent luck. When you leave this class, not only will you have more confidence, feel better, become more experienced, but you will leave a bigger man. (No money back.)
This packet starts off with a brief introduction of men and women, and then it will discuss the topic on women. The focus of the first month and a half will be on women, and then we will focus on men... blah blah blah...Syaoran skipped the rest and went straight to the first page.
Page 1:
Imagine if men and women were elements. Their properties and reactions can be explained by the Laws of Chemistry.
Element : Man
Symbol : Gy
Quantitative : Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches.
Discoverer : Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs)
Occurrence : Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.
Physical properties :
1. Surface often covered with hair; bristly in some areas, soft in others.
2. Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense, melts if treated like a God.
3. Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).
4. Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
5. Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo (Snore... zzzzz).
6. Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
7. Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick.
8. Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
9. Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo common ore.
10. When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, and flattery are applied
Chemical properties :
1. All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible.
2. May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable conditions.
3. Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
4. Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
5. Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red.
6. Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.
7. When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements.
8. Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
9. Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety.
10. Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.
Storage : Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable reaction style.
Uses :
* Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo...
* Can be used in recreational activities.
Tests : Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.
Caution : Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very malleable under correct conditions.
Page 2:
Element : Woman
Symbol : Wo
Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118, but known to vary from 93 to 280
Discoverer : Adam
Occurrence : Copius quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in suburban and rural areas. Known to occur in small, highly concentrated deposits in Urban areas (see Shopping Mall).
Physical properties :
1. Surface usually covered with painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches, handle with care.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.
Chemical properties :
1. Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum, and many of the precious stones.
2. May explode spontaneously if left alone.
3. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but displays a certain amount of increased activity when saturated with alcohol.
5. Repels cheap material, neutral to common sense.
6. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.
Uses :
1. Highly ornamental, esp. in sports cars.
2. Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
3. Can warm and comfort under certain circumstances.
4. Can cool things down when it's too hot.
Tests :
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in a natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
Caution :
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
2. Illegal to possess more than one. (Dangerous also.)
Page 3:
Types of Girlfriends
Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have!"
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday
Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches and throws frying pans
Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite"
Also known as: Whiner
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious
The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes-Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, good-time gal, passed out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at"
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends
Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship"
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you
Page 4:
Types of Boyfriends
Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
Old Man Grumpy - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Man, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass
Flinchy – "I—I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey-you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
Lazybones – "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snooze-bucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams
The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--"
Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpy"
Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction.
Page 5:
25 Tips On Women
1. Call.
2. Don't lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.
6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
8. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
9. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
10. Her cooking is excellent.
11. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
12. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
13. Burping is not sexy.
14. You're always wrong. Just wave the white flag and it will be over soon without any bloodshed.
15. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
16. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
17. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
18. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11 pm.
19. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
20. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
21. Her haircut is never bad.
22. Think boxers. Silk boxers.
23. Remember Valentine's Day and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
24. The forbidden phrase: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
25. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything.
Page 6:
What women want in a man...
...when they first start dating:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. Imaginative, romantic lover
...when they are 32:
1. Nice looking (hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
...when they are 42:
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
...when they are 52:
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
...when they are 62:
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where the bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
...when they are 72:
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
Syaoran stopped reading and turned to look at Koji with a puzzled look. "...did you get any of that...?"
The other boy shook his head. "Not a single word."
zZz
- The millionaire answers... -
Syaoran looked down at the form and groaned.
1. FULL NAME: Li Syaoran DATE OF BIRTH: July 13th
2. FATHER'S NAME: Koto MOTHER'S NAME: Yelan
3. HOW MANY SIBLINGS? None
4. WHAT'S YOUR PROFESSION? Architect/architectural engineer SALARY? Enough to pay for your funeral
5. HEIGHT: 185 cm WEIGHT: 74 kg IQ: 125 GPA: 4.62
6. SOCIAL SECURITY No.: I don't think this will be useful to you DRIVERS LICENSE No: ...or this either...
7. BOY SCOUT RANK: I think I was the hot one...
8. HOME ADDRESS: Ask your sister where she lives and that's where I live PHONE: 555-4636
9. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? Yes X
10. Number of years parents married: none If less than your age, explain:
Could it be that they never got married?
11. DO YOU OWN A VAN? No A TRUCK WITH OVER-SIZED TIRES OR CAMPER SHELL? No WATER BED? No MOTORCYCLE? No TATTOO? No COLOR ALTERED HAIR? Hell NO A CONDOM? (1) PORNOGRAPHY? (2) EARRING, NOSE RING, BELLY RING? No SMOKE? No (IF YES TO ANY PART OF #11, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY.)
(1) I don't own a condom; I own a pack of condoms. (2) You said pornography, nothing about erotica; therefore, I can still continue.
12. In 50 words or less, what does "Late" mean to you?
Better late than never, but never late is better.
13. In 50 words or less, what does "DO NOT TOUCH MY SISTER" mean to you?
It means I should never lay a single finger on your sister. And I assure you, I have not laid a single finger on her at all. I've always made sure to use more than just a single finger, so you have nothing to worry about.
14. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
My sex education teachers have always said that abstinence means to never allow my pet bunny out of its playpen, and I doubt that my bunny would want to leave its playpen anyhow. Like all bunnies, my bunny likes it tight.
15. What church do you attend? I'm banned from church. (3) How often do you attend? zero/ week
(3) There's a perfectly good reason why I am banned. The Father told me to never come back, because the women started to worship me the minute that I walked into the church. 'Tis not my fault God made me like this...
16. When would be the best time to interview your:
FATHER? Next lifetime MOTHER? Next lifetime PRIEST? N/A PAROLE OFFICER? Parole officer? I'm not THAT naughty...
17. Fill in the blanks: Please answer freely - all answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone - I promise):
A. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is in the behind.
B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my funny bone.
C. A women's place is in the Big G - ohh, gee...
D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is what I like to eat.
E. I like stimulating girls. (Use an adjective, moron.)
F. I like to go hunting in the fall. I go fishing in the summer. I like to ride my snow mobile in the winter.
G. When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice is her figure from head to toe (4) (NOTE: If the answer to "G" begins with a B, T, or A, discontinue and leave the premises immediately with your head hung low.)
(4) I don't like to play favorites—so I prefer the whole package.
18. Do you plan to marry my sister? Yes (Yes or No; Maybe is not acceptable.)
If YES, thoroughly state your plans: First, I will start with a proposal. IF she says 'yes,' then I plan to make her the happiest woman on the face of this planet. We will have a big wedding, followed by a BIG honeymoon. Since you said 'thoroughly state your plans,' here are the further details: I want eleven kids to start a soccer team. I've always been a soccer lover. I used to be a star player in high school, so scoring eleven points shouldn't be a problem. Also, I know how to play more than one position.
19. Condoms come in packages of (check one): — 3 — 6 — 9 — 12 X All of the above.
How do you know? I'll let your sister tell you.
20. If you are to "magically" die in your sleep one beautiful evening, what would you like me to tell my sister?
She made the best omelettes I've ever had.
Syaoran signed his name on the signature line, looked over his answers, and took in a deep breath before stepping out of the car. He rang the doorbell and waited patiently for someone to come.
Touya opened the door and scowled. "You're still here?" the man snorted and held the door open. "Get in."
Syaoran groaned inwardly and stepped inside. Something told him the correct decision was to turn around and run away. But before he could change his mind, he heard a slam behind him, and Touya had locked all of the locks.
He swallowed hard.
zZz
- The wolf in sheep's clothing... -
"Otou-san, we don't have carrots for the soup!" Sakura called out from the kitchen.
"Excuse me, Li-kun." Fujitaka smiled and left the room to check on Sakura, who was cooking dinner in the kitchen.
Once he was alone, Syaoran quickly slumped into his seat, taking a hand and wiping the sweats off his face. Meeting Sakura's family was possibly the worst experience in his entire life. Thank God Nakuru had dragged Touya out for the time being because the man wouldn't stop glaring daggers at him. Therefore, Syaoran was stuck with Fujitaka while Sakura made dinner.
There was something about Fujitaka that made Syaoran uneasy and nervous, like he couldn't relax himself around the man even if he wanted to.
Fujitaka came back into the room a few minutes later and said, "Sakura ran to the store to buy some more ingredients."
Syaoran smiled nervously. Great. It was just them. "So, you're an archaeologist, Kinomoto-san?"
The man nodded with a smile. Did he ever stop smiling? "I'm a professor at the university when I'm not working on a project."
"I see... you travel a lot, right?"
"Yes. I traveled a lot when Sakura was growing up," he replied. "Touya played the father figure when I wasn't around."
...didn't he mean the 'mother-hen' figure?
Before Syaoran could say anything though, Fujitaka took the liberty of continuing. "Although, I don't want you to think that I'm any different from the other fathers in this world."
"O-Of course not!" Syaoran stuttered, finding the man's smile to be scarier with each passing second.
"Good. Follow me," he ordered.
Syaoran reluctantly followed him upstairs and into a study room. Fujitaka went over to a desk and pulled something out from a locked drawer. "Touya was always successful in keeping the opposite sex away from Sakura, so I never had to bring this out," he said, kindly; holding out a piece of paper to Syaoran.
The paper said:
From the Protective Fathers of their Daughter Organization (PFDO)—
If you are reading this, then you are trying to court my sweet, little daughter. I have no problem against you being near her; however, there are a few ground rules that we have to go over. I don't request that you follow these rules—I DEMAND YOU TO. I believe you may be wondering just what is the PFDO. It is an organization created by fathers across the world to protect their daughters from sneaky, sleazy, little punks who think they can go onto our turf and deflower our flower garden. I ask nicely that you read the rules carefully and make sure that you follow them. Otherwise, tar-and-feather is one of the many punishments that shall be carried out brutally and cruelly. And if you think I won't do anything because I am a middle-aged fart, then you have another thing coming. Remember—I see you when you're sleeping; I know if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake.
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Rule Eleven:
Whatever happens to her, happens to you. She comes home with a black eye, you get two black eyes. She gets a broken arm, you get two broken arms. She comes home screwed, you're screwed.
Rule Twelve:
You don't get her pregnant before marriage, and you don't hit her. It's real simple... you don't knock her up, you don't knock her down. You do, I'm knocking you out.
Treat this like the Ten Commandments, the New Testament, the Old Testament, the Holy Bible, the Tanakh, and the Qur'an.
Syaoran gulped.
"I hope we have an understanding, Li-kun," smiled Fujitaka.
"Y-Yes, s-sir!"
"Good. Good. I'm glad to hear."
...ohhh, how the world had been fooled by his smiling face...!
zZz
- Application To Marry My Sister...-
(REVOCABLE AT ANY TIME)
NOTE - This application will be Incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, school history, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor. Also, it is required that you have a proper ring as proof that you are serious about this. If you don't have a diamond ring, quit NOW.
1. FULL NAME: Li Syaoran DATE OF BIRTH: July 13
2. HEIGHT: 185 cm WEIGHT: 74 kg IQ: 125 GPA: 4.62 NET WORTH: Priceless
3. SOCIAL SECURITY No.: For me to know... DRIVERS LICENSE No.: ...and you to find out.
4. HOME ADDRESS: Check the other application. PHONE: See previous answer.
5. OCCUPATION: Architect/architectural engineer
6. How long have you had this job? 4 years plus
When will you get a promotion? I do not know. When Taguchi dies, I guess?
7. If you're not getting one, explain: It is difficult, if not impossible, to get myself a promotion when I own half of Taguchi's company and when he's still alive.
8. Upon marriage, my wife and I will live (check all that apply)
X in an apartment
X in a BIG home
— with my parents
— with her family
— with my other women
— in a box
— in a dark tunnel (or under an old bridge)
— all of the above
9. I plan to spend our honeymoon (check one only):
X in a bed (1)
— at a beach full of bikini babes
— on a tropical island with just the two of us...and a bed
— mountain skiing, where we can warm up in front of the fireplace
— helping the unfortunates in Africa
— on a romantic cruise
(1) Of course we're going to need a bed. I'm sure you don't want your dear sister to sleep on the floor, right?
10. What is your definition of (Use of dictionary is prohibited):
A. Adultery: democracy as applied to marriage.
B. A good husband: a man who feels in his pockets every time he passes a mailbox.
C. A happy marriage: a union which is in full flower when the husband knows what to remember and his wife understands what to forget.
D. A married man: a person who has learned to turn off the car motor when his wife calls: "I'll be right out".
E. A successful marriage: is not so much about finding the right person, but being the one who is right.
F. A traditional husband: a man who expects his wife to help him with the dishes.
G. Dictionary: the only place where divorce comes before marriage.
H. Character: a virtue which is formed in youth and reformed by marriage.
I. Love: a word used to label the sexual excitement of the young, the habituation of the middle aged, and the mutual dependence of the old.
J. Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his Bachelor Degree, and a woman gains her Master's.
K. Partnership: a legal fiction exactly like marriage, but without the major benefits.
L. Sex drive: a physical craving which appears at puberty and ends at marriage.
M. Waterbed: a device that may help a marriage...a lot.
N. Wife: someone who is too beautiful for words, but not for arguments.
11. In 50 words or less, what does "FIDELITY" mean to you?
Fidelity is a virtue which should be frequently proved, but doesn't need to 24/7.
12. In 50 words or less, what does "DIVORCE" mean to you?
Future tense of marriage; never get too attached to a house.
13. In 50 words or less, what does "'TILL DEATH DO US PART" mean to you?
It's a lifetime sentence to one single promise and one alone.
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.
Li Syaoran Signature (If I can read it, then it's not a signature.)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow time for processing. You will be contacted by me (in person), whether you are approved or not. By signing your signature above, you have also agreed that the diamond ring will not be returned to you if your application is not approved. Have a nice day.
- Kinomoto Touya.
zZz
- The Bachelorette Talk... -
"What should we do now?" asked Sakura. The others shrugged, and they all turned to look at the oldest woman in the room. "What did you do for your bachelorette party, Nakuru?"
The woman looked up from her glass of Long Island Iced Tea. "I crashed Touya's bachelor party and threw out the strippers."
"There are strippers at bachelor party?!" Tomoyo screeched.
"Didn't you know that already?"
The bride-to-be immediately pulled herself off the bed, grabbing the phone off the table, and went into the bathroom to call her fiancé. The others sighed and went back to their drinking. Sakura was lying on the bed with Nakuru and Meiling while Chiharu, Naoko, Rika, and Michiru plopped themselves on the floor.
"We played all the bachelorette games we could think of," said Meiling. "And half of us are dead drunk."
Nakuru started chuckling. "You girls might think marriage is so great and wonderful... but just wait until you pass the newlywed stage."
Sakura giggled. "Kaho-san says that husbands are like lawn mowers. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half of the time they don't work. And I thought Yukito-san seems like the perfect husband."
Nakuru laughed. "Yukito and Touya are best friends. They shared the same crib to the same bed to the same room. I'm surprise Touya hadn't turned Yukito into a full 'male' specimen already. This is how men define a 50-50 marriage: we cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle. Men... I'm telling you."
"A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need." Naoko joined in on the conversation.
Nakuru raised her glass in the air. "Give me an 'amen' to that, sister."
"I have a question..." Rika said as she stared at the ceiling. "Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?"
"Because not one will stop and ask for directions," Michiru said and they all laughed.
Sakura sighed. "How do you know when he's planning for the future—our future?"
"When he buys two cases of beer instead of one." Chiharu replied, rolling onto her stomach. "Do you girls know what's the best way to kill a man?"
"Castrate him!" Nakuru screamed immediately. Well... at least the woman got something out of her previous marriage—her ex-husband's violence.
Sakura thought of Syaoran and said, "No sex." She was positive that would kill him in less than twenty-four hours.
"Shoot him where it hurts most," was Meiling's answer.
"Take away his Rubber Ducky and bubble baths." Everyone stared at Michiru. "What...?"
"All good answers, but unfortunately it's not the best way," Chriharu said. "The best way to kill a man is to put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then you tell him to pick only one."
"Sorry, that took awhile!" Tomoyo came back into the room. "What were you talking about?"
They all took in a deep breath, sighed and said: "Men..."
"Anyone wants to play the 'Men are like...' game?" Rika asked. "Since we're on the subject of men."
"How do you play?" Sakura asked.
"When it's your turn, you just say whatever 'Men are like...' quotes you've heard or make up a new one, and if you agree to something that is said then you drink." Nakuru explained. "The purpose of the game is to just sit back, unwind, and drink. Since Tomoyo is the bride-to-be, you start us off."
Tomoyo took her place beside Sakura and grabbed a drink off the night table. "My boss says this all the time—men are like commercials. You can't believe a word they say." She chugged down her drink. "That felt good."
The others drank as well. "Men are like remote controls. Simple, easy to use, and usually lying around a TV," said Rika.
"Men are like old car tires. Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare." Everyone just sort of looked at the giggling Meiling. "...what? It's true."
Only Naoko agreed with the girl. "The single ladies need to stick together," she said. "Cheers."
"Men are like department stores. Their clothes should always be half off," said Michiru.
"AMEN!" shouted Nakuru. "Men are like placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table."
Sakura smiled. "I'll use the oldest saying of all—men are like blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why."
"They say the oldest is the wisest," said Chiharu. "Men are like noodles. They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough."
"Men are like cement," Naoko said with a sigh. "After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard."
Everyone took a drink except for Sakura. They all gaped at her. Meiling choked on her drink, just thinking about what had meant. "...ew, the thought of my cousin!"
Sakura smiled nervously.
Tomoyo gasped. "You mean, he...?"
"Yeah."
Chiharu and Naoko did a fox whistle. "Talk about stamina!"
"Here's one!" exclaimed Meiling. "Men are like snowstorms. You don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he will last."
They all laughed.
"I wonder what the guys are doing now..." said Sakura.
Tomoyo giggled. "I can assure you that there isn't a stripper involved."
zZz
And now, moving on to the guys...
- The Men's Compact... -
"Eriol, this sucks ass!" Syaoran protested, kicking his shoes off and placing his feet on the coffee table. "We're in an expensive penthouse, but where are the strippers?"
Touya growled. "As much as I want to kill him for asking for strippers, I agree with the brat. Where are the strippers? Look. I didn't get to have strippers at my bachelor party, and I'll be damned if I don't see some stripping at this party!"
Takashi sighed and started to unbutton his shirt.
Syaoran threw his shoes at the man. "What the hell do you think you're doing!?"
The two had only met for a few hours and, already, they were best friends from Heaven.
"He said he wanted to see some stripping..."
Touya rubbed his temples. "I meant female strippers."
Eriol groaned. "Somehow, Tomoyo found out that there was going to be strippers and she said—"
Touya snorted. "You actually listen to her?"
"Hey... at least you got to go to your lawyer's office and signed papers. If we call this off now, I lose a whole lot more than just my marriage."
Syaoran snorted. "Cheap."
"Oh, shut up."
"That's why I always say women are like the stock market," said Koji, speaking up for the first time. "They're irrational and can bankrupt you if you're not careful."
Touya scoffed. "A woman is like a pack of cards—you need a heart to love her, a diamond to marry her, a club to smash her head in, and a spade to bury her."
"Give me a high five for that." Koji laughed.
Syaoran smirked. "You should be careful, Koji. Your woman's brother is sitting in this room."
"So is yours, Syaoran."
"But he's not my boss."
"Damn."
"W-wait..." Takashi interrupted them. "You're dating a friend's sister?"
"What's wrong with that?" asked Koji.
"You're breaking the Men's Compact—that's what!"
Syaoran sat up straight in his seat. "I don't remember that being in the compact."
"It is," said Taguchi. "Number 7 on the list."
Touya suddenly jumped up from his seat and screamed out 'HELL YEAH!' to Syaoran's face.
"You're fucking kidding me!" Syaoran screamed; apparently, he was not so pleased about that news.
One, that would mean Touya actually had a really good reason to keep him and Sakura apart—or worse... kill him. Why? Because he broke the compact. THE compact. It wasn't just any compact—it was the Men's Compact, the ever-so-sacred unwritten laws every man had to go by and was severely punished if broken a law.
Eriol snorted. "I can't believe you two forgot the compact."
Syaoran growled. "I don't remember you trying to remind me either."
"Then let us remind you now," the black head grinned sweetly. "Takashi, recite the compact please."
The other man stood up and cleared his throat before speaking loudly. "The Holy laws that every man shall obey are the following:
1. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. No exceptions.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
12. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return, is required to grant it.
13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem—you didn't see nothin'.
15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer. If you own a sleep sofa or live on the second floor it is pizza and beer. If you own a sleep sofa and live on the second floor it shall be eaten inside a restaurant. If you are over 35 years old then hire some movers, cheap bastard.
16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
17. Your girlfriend must bond with your buddies and their girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal pal's significant dick-heads—low-level sports bonding is all the law requires.
18. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
19. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses.
20. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.
21. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
22. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
23. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight,you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.
24. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weightlifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
25. If the breasts are fake you can stare all you want. The poor girl paid for ten thousand dollars worth of attention and damn it we are going to give it to her!
26. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
27. Never join your girlfriend slash wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.
28. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
29. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.
30. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "FUCK OFF!" You are absolved of your of responsibility.
31. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just friends" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
32. Threesomes are girl-guy-girl only. No sword-fighting allowed.
33. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. (b) Anna Kournikova gets married. (c) After wrecking your boss's car. (d) When she is using her teeth.
34. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
35. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
36. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
37. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
38. Women can't drive. Period.
39. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
40. Every man shall allow one empty urinal of separation in a bathroom with three or more urinals; law is void if there are dividers in between each urinal.
41. When toasting with beers you clank with the bottom.
42. You poke it, you own it.
43. A man should never be denied the right to adjust himself or place his hands down his pants under any circumstances.
44. No man in any circumstance, unless mocking a violator of this law, should pop his collar.
45. If a man ever does something wrong a simple "OOPS", "My Bad", or any variations of cuss words that get the point across will suffice, no need to apologize.
46. Every man should watch sports center at least once a day, though multiple viewings are recommended so that one can hold his own in any debate on sports that may arise that day.
47. No man shall ever own a dog smaller than his girlfriend's cat.
48. If you do not sweat, it's not a sport.
49. In no situation is it acceptable to sit cross-kneed. You either sit with feet-crossed, no cross, or stand.
50. While smiling, no man shall stick his tongue between his teeth.
51. It should be understood that while—yes—cheerleading is not a sport, it is perfectly acceptable to watch.
52. If a man is punched and the hit is rubbed, he is punched again in the same area twice. The lesson will continue until he learns to take it like a man—no rubbing.
53. A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases: "down in Tijuana," "one time when we were all piss drunk," or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw."
54. When in doubt in an argument and/or you know you are defeated, storm off, preferably slamming the door and/or hitting some breakable object on the way out. Always let them think they won the argument.
55. Acting gay with your buddies is only okay in a chicken style to determine the alpha male.
56. Only check out other women when your lady friend is present by use of mirrors. Use the peripherals.
57. The following sentence may only be used as an escape route for having ignored rule No. 57: "Would you look at that one!! What was she thinking?"
58. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox 360/Playstation 3. End of story.
59. Slapping another guy on the ass is only allowed in good fun. Not with intention. Slapping women on the ass without permission is unacceptable. Get permission first.
60. It is ROCK, PAPER and SCISSORS with no shoot. If you must say shoot, it has to be agreed upon by both men and a witness has to be present and somewhat sober.
61. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
" BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"
Get it now?
62. And finally, the one rule that every man MUST follow (even if he forgets the others): A man must live by these priorities—sex, buddies, sports, and beer. Money is an exception for we all realize that eventually we'd be broke-ass poor due to excessive spending on women and beer. It is okay to be poor.
Those that break these Holy laws shall and will be punished. It's a dangerous world out there for men with all the women, girlfriends, wives, and whatnots; therefore, it's up to us guys to look out for each other. These laws MUST NOT be broken, unless compromised."
Syaoran groaned. "Just fucking wonderful. W-Wait a minute—Koji has dated Michiru for years and Taguchi didn't said anything!"
Taguchi smiled. "That's because I'm not violent."
Touya cackled evilly and popped his knuckles. Syaoran cringed and started to back up slowly from where he was standing. "Whatever you do..." he was practically pleading through his yellow boxer shorts. "Don't hit the face. I still have to present myself as the best man."
Eriol sighed. "He has a point."
The guys sighed quietly as Touya tackled Syaoran to the ground.
"To Eriol," said Taguchi, "Good luck."
The other guys eventually raised their glasses in the air and repeated what Taguchi just said as they enjoyed the show before them. Well, at least the bachelor party wasn't a total loss. It wasn't a steamy strip show, but it was still better than nothing. They all had entertainment, and Eriol didn't have to spend a dime. Syaoran just had to deal with a few broken ribs, a bruised cheek, a black eye, and a bloody jaw—but he was going to be fine by the time of the wedding, which was the week after. He was a fast healer...
Well, if he wasn't then he was going to become the ugliest Best Man in the world.
Thank God that didn't happen.
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Completed Date: 08.01.07
Last Updated: 03.01.08
(1) The first 8 rules for the PFDO belong to W. Bruce Cameron—rules 9-12 are added in.
(2) The Men's Compact is contributed by my male friends. Although I came up with some, the credit goes to the guys 'cause they definitely deserve it. Thanks so much lovies—love y'all, boo!