I hate being useless. Feeling useless.
Since I joined the agency, I give my one hundred percent in every mission. I can't accept failure. I'm a warrior, and when I want something, I do everything I can to have it. I don't stop fighting, and I certainly don't want anything to stand in my way.
Now that the list is gone, I feel like we failed something important. Like I failed. And I can't accept that.
I have this feeling that this mission... is important. For me, for the agency, and for more people. I can't let go of that presentiment that I have. If I'm obsessed with a stupid list of names, then there's a reason behind it.
At least, I hope that I'm right.
I hope that I'm not searching for something useless, running after something non-existent, or even worse, after something that could be the death of me.
Sleeping is impossible. Not before I get answers to all my questions.
*
"Who the fuck stole it?" Britt asks, her dark eyes narrowing.
I cross my arms and watch her while she's training. She pauses to position herself in front of the punching bag again, waiting for my approval. I nod.
"I don't know, but I need to figure out," I say with determination, looking around me.
Britt throws a few punches before she turns to face me. She tilts her head and stares at me in that way of hers. I didn't want to be here and to spend time with her. I need to do something. But she forced me to 'help her with her training'. She doesn't even need help. Hacking is definitely her thing, but she's also strong.
I know Britt still has hope for our friendship. Every time I take a step back from her, she takes two forward. She's determined, I'll give her that.
"Do you have any idea who it could be?" she questions, looking around as well.
I shake my head. "No. It could be The Circle. Maybe they figured we stole the list."
She lets out a breath. "That's dangerous. If they know about us..."
"I think they already do," I conclude.
That night with Brandon, when we listened to Charles Barton, he said they will fall into the trap. I can be wrong, but I felt something. I felt like we were the 'they'.
If we are, then I was right all along. Something big is going on. We are against someone. We are against The Circle.
But who's leading it? And what are they planning? What is the Bird? There's still plenty of things we don't know about.
I want to find out about everything before it's too late.
With that in mind, I fully face Britt.
"All right, you don't need me. I have to—"
"What's going on with Brandon? And Nova?"
I tense.
"What do you mean? Nothing's going on. We do missions. We hate each other." I shake my head and shrug a shoulder.
Britt rolls her eyes. "Yeah, I can get that you hate Nova. But Brandon?"
I narrow my eyes in her direction. "I don't—"
"I just noticed how he tries a lot to make it up to you. But as usual, you run away." Britt crosses her arms and takes a step towards me. "Maybe it's time you forget about... what happened. He's alive, Sophia—"
"You don't have to remind me," I cut her off in a cold tone, my eyes locked with hers. She pinches her lips and stays silent.
I walk towards the bench and sit down.
"I know he's alive," I mutter, shaking my head as I look down. "But that's the thing. I thought he died and then he comes back—"
I bite my lip. Shut up. Don't do that. Don't start to confess stupid shit. You don't feel anything anymore, remember? He's alive, that's great, but there's nothing anymore.
Britt sits down next to me. I look away, gritting my teeth.
"You need to let go of that guilt first, Sophia," she murmurs, and I hate the soft tone she's using as if I'm too weak.
I glance in her direction, my jaw clenched. "I don't feel any guilt."
She blinks twice, watching me intensely. "You're a good liar. But not right now."
I shake my head and look ahead at the agents training. Britt sighs, staying quiet a moment.
"What happened that night is not your fault, Soph," she finally declares, and I clench my fists. "It's not, and he knows that."
"You talked to him or what?" I ask, my eyes narrowed in her direction.
She shrugs a shoulder. "He did. He wanted to know what's up with you."
I scoff, shaking my head.
"You guys didn't talk about that night, so..."
"We did. We talked enough, Britt, and there's nothing else to say, okay?" I stand up, shaking my head. "This is ridiculous. You're right. It's the past, we just need to forget about—"
The blood.
The screams. My screams.
12:51 AM.
I rub my eyes. "We need to forget."
Britt stands up, watching me silently. I take a deep breath and turn around.
"I need to go," I announce, starting to walk away.
"Wait," she says, and I bite the inside of my cheek in annoyance, waiting for what she has to say, this time.
She walks to stand in front of me. Then, with her arms crossed over her chest, her expression serious and curious, she asks something I've never thought I would have to answer.
"Don't kill me. I know you could easily..." She sighs, shaking her head. "Do you still love him?"
My lips part slightly, and I step back as if she punched me in the stomach. I shake my head in disbelief.
"You must be kidding. You're not actually asking me that, are you?"
She shrugs, staring at me. "Nobody else will."
I glare at her. "Don't try me, Britt. You're right, I can easily kill you."
She narrows her eyes. We're standing in the middle of the training room, and some agents give us weird looks.
"It shouldn't be that hard to answer," she says, her tone challenging.
I breathe slowly through my nose and exhale. Britt raises an eyebrow.
"Forget about Nova. Deep down, do you still have feelings for him?"
I look her in the eyes. "Does it still matter?"
Britt slowly nods in understanding.
"Love is a weakness. And it destroyed me." I pause, shaking my head. "I can't let that happen again. Not now, not ever."
Her serious, curious expression transforms into a sad one, and I step back, not wanting her sadness.
"Love destroyed me, Britt." I shrug, my voice emotionless. "What if I destroy love?"
On that, I turn around and walk away, not once looking behind me.
What if I destroy love?
*
First reference to the title OOOOHHHHH. 😏
Hello! I missed you. 💛 I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I felt like that was an important one although there's not a lot of action.
YET. You know me, tss.
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I'm so nervous because the longlist of the Wattys is soon gonna be there. *hide in a corner* I'm not actually thinking I might have a chance, but that WOULD BE AMAZING.
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