Victoria’s p.o.v
Title inspired by Hello Darkness by New Years Day
Sometimes I just wish I could shut my brain off to take the pressure off of my chest. Sometimes I would want nothing more than to just forget.
At the same time, I don’t want to forget. I can’t let myself forget. It’s a reminder of all that I have done. It’s a reminder of the one I could never forget.
Today, seeing Chris today and being able to talk to him just like the old times felt amazing to just having a friend back. It felt like I had never left.
I can’t let myself forget though.
Chris seems to happy today. I know I don’t know how he was doing while I was gone, but I assume that he wasn’t okay. By what he writes about, he seemed miserable.
At least I would think he was, but there is no possible way of me knowing that unless he tells me so.
But I doubt I could ever face him again. After I left and went over to my parents’ house, I was completely distracted by my thoughts.
My mom kept asking what was wrong but I couldn’t tell her. Better yet, I didn’t know how to tell her.
How do supposedly tell someone something horrible you did to someone you cared about?
Hey mom guess what? When I left for college I left behind Chris, and hurt him beyond repair. And also, I ran into him the first day I came back and said some things I did not mean but everything’s “okay now”, and I know that that’s lie because it’s not okay. I’m not okay. (A/N: LOL MCR pun)
He’s not okay. He wants to believe that everything is okay. He wants to be under the impression that I’m still the same person, and I want to believe that I still am but I know I’m not.
The girl that he cared about is no longer here. She’s been consumed by the monster that I am. Yes, I am a monster because I hurt Chris.
And he is oblivious by his past feelings that he doesn’t see how horrible I am as a person. There is something that he doesn’t know.
There was something I could have done to prevent all of this from happening but I did nothing! I could have done something to help but I didn’t.
And if he knew that, what would he think of me?
Would he be disgusted? Would he finally realize who I am? Would that be the thing that will make him let go of the past we shared? How would he react?
How could I say it? How do I even begin to express that? He’s going to take note of the horrible thing that I did.
And as bad as I want to forget about what I have done, I can’t let myself hurt him anymore.
Chris is oblivious so if I don’t tell him it might be for the best interest in the both of us.
Do you want to continue to lie to him and hurt him?
No I don’t because I know that I’m slowly suffocating from the weight of my past.
Look what I have done to him, how do I live with myself? Look at what he’s written about me. Look at how broken I left him. He could never forgive me, because I wouldn’t even forgive myself…
I was curled up in a ball at the end of my couch. My fragile arms were wrapped around myself, my chin laying gently on my arms. It was silent inside my house.
It was dark too. The only light that shined from inside was the light from my kitchen. Everything else was off. I’ve been sitting here with my thoughts ever since I came home an hour ago.
I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to think, but it was all I could do. As much as I wanted to rip my skin off of my bones, I just sit there, doing nothing like always.
It seems like this state of emotionlessness has been increasing, leading me to think that there was only to be one outcome when this has reached its limit.
My feelings haven’t come to terms with what’s been going on so for now all of my emotions are stacking up, slowly building up, until someone causes the collapse.
I sat in the silence, with my thoughts becoming more violent when my phone ringed. It was on the coffee table so I had to extend from my position in order to get my phone.
Chris was calling. My hand began to twitch, debating on whether or not I should pick up and if it was wise of me to pick up. I picked up the call.
“Tori?” he said over the phone.
“Yeah?” my voice cracked.
“Are you at your house?”
“Yes I am, why?” I asked, wanting to know why he asked.
“Oh because I’m parked outside your house and I need to speak with you.”
I lost my words. I wanted to see him, then again, I didn’t. I would be urged to tell him the truth. Was that so bad? Yes.
“Um…o-okay.” He said nothing more.
“I’ll open the door then.” I hung up after that. My chest clenched, and my mouth went dry. I didn’t know what was going to happen.
I just had to face the storm and deal with what comes my way. I stood up from the couch that I had inhabited and looked down at myself.
I had changed into sweatpants and a grey long sleeve shirt. It not like it mattered what I was wearing but everything was making me paranoid right now.
Why am I freaking out? I have no idea what he is going to say. I have no idea what he was going to do.
Just breathe, that’s all I need to focus on, breathing.
I walked to the front door with a weary body. I undid the lock and slowly open the door. Chris was standing there with an unreadable expression on his face.
This was bad.
He was wearing what he wore earlier. “Hey,” I said, trying to not sound nervous. “Come in,” I stepped aside to let Chris walk through the door.
“Is everything okay?” I had to ask.
“Yeah.” He didn’t seem so sure when he said that. But it did make me feel slightly better knowing that he was nervous as well.
He didn’t say anything else but he followed me to the living room. It was too dark in here so as I told him to sit down on the couch, I walked to the two lamps in the living room and turned them off before I walked to my kitchen and turned off the light in there.
Once there was a good amount of light inside, I sat down next to Chris on the couch.
“So…” my voice trailed off. Yet he didn’t say anything.
Chris just looked at his hands. I wondered what was on his mind. He always had something to say, so it was strange seeing him like this.
Then again, what do I know?
I let the uncomfortable silence take ahold of both of us. I didn’t know what to say either.
“Do you remember Ms. Walton?” he asked. The question surprised me. It came out of nowhere and I wasn’t expecting him to ask that.
“Yeah, why?”
“Remember how much she hated me during the first semester?”
“She didn’t hate you,” I defended her, “you and Angelo annoyed her but that was before she read one of your essays and realized how smart you are.”
“Yeah. She was pretty nice to us during the end of the school year. Did I tell you what she told me after she gave me back our last paper we had to do?”
I shook my head no.
“She told me that she was honored for having me as a student and then she told me that she knew I was going to do great things in the world and change many lives.”
She was correct to have said that.
“I think I disappointed her.”
What?
“Why do you say that?”
He looked up from his hands and looked at me. It was dim inside but his bright eyes glanced with a coat of tears forming.
“Chris, you have brought a lot of people joy. You entertain them with your music, and have impacted them. They love you. Why are you saying-” I was beginning to say.
“I know I have! It makes me think I’m ungrateful of what I have, but all of that doesn’t mean much to me without you!”
I gazed into his eyes. I stayed silent.
“Victoria, you don’t know how bad I fucked up with you. I hurt you so much and that’s all I have been thinking about since you left. I would stay awake for nights on end, thinking about all that I could have done to make this have a different outcome, but as much as I think about it, it only makes it more clear on how bad I messed up.”
My insides were turning at this point. He was blaming himself for something that I have done.
A single tear trailed down from his eye, running slowly down his cheek.
My breath picked up, my lungs were racing. My stomach was going to knots. I couldn’t let him think that he was the only one that ruined what he had.
It wasn’t his fault. It was much more my fault than it was his. The secret had been keeping from him was crawling at my skin, begging, pleading for it to be said.
It needed to be released, but I didn’t want him to know. My mouth was shut, but I could feel my eyes started to get teary, yet my mouth was glued.
“Victoria…please…” His voice was trembling as he spoke. It was raging inside of me to tell him know the truth, to clear things up that it’s not his fault.
“Say something because it kills me seeing you in pain and knowing that it is because of me.”
My head lowered in shame. I couldn’t face him. I couldn’t bear to see his face when the words escape from my lips.
“I heard you…” My voice quivered.
“What? Victoria, what are you talking about?”
I clenched my eyes shut, letting tears fall onto my hand. I couldn’t say it again.
“Tori…what do you mean?”
My lips rocked, and this was it. The emotionless state had vanished. And I was left with all my feelings and angry for myself.
“I head you!” I screamed, and looked up at him. He was still confused.
“I heard you…” my voice weakened. “The day that I left, I heard…I heard you say…you said that…you said you fell in love with me…”
His eyes widen, and mouth slightly dropped. He didn’t know. He whispered it to himself, but I heard him.
“It killed me Chris! All these years, I couldn’t live with myself, because I walked away from you! I walked away from someone who truly loved me!”
My eyes were pouring, and nothing could stop it. My snobs were rocking my entire body.
That was what made me a monster. He was in love with me and what did I do? I ruined what we had. I made him hate me. I broke him. He fell apart because of my selfish needs.
I could have stay. I could have told him something when I heard him. I could have told him that I was in love with him too.
I could have done something other than nothing!
“Fuck, Chris, I’m so sorry. I ruined this! I hurt you! You had every right to be pissed at me! You had every right to write about how shitty I am as a person. You didn’t deserve this. You deserved someone better than me. Anyone…”
I let my face fall into my hands, letting my back hunch over, letting my cry overtake all I knew.
“I’m sorry…I’m so sorry…Chris…”
In the fit of my sorrow I felt an arm wrap around me, trying to comfort me. I looked up, but I need exactly whose arm it belong too.
He was bringing me closer to him, trying to hold me. It was what I wanted, but I didn’t want to be close to him at the same time. I couldn’t allow myself to do that.
“Don’t…don’t touch me Chris.” I put my hands on his chest, attempting to get out of his hold. I twisted and turn, wanting to break free, but he was much stronger than I was.
I was still fighting against him, but now both of his arms were around me.
“Don’t please…Chris let me go…” I was growing tired of fighting, I kept trying though because I knew that I didn’t deserve his touch.
I kept trying to break free and somehow against my struggle, we both fell off of the couch. His arms were still wrapping me. Trapping me against his warmth and comfort.
Why am I fighting?
My hands and body stopped and realize how better I felt, aside that I was still tearing up.
I stared at the arms that held onto me, and traced him back to his face. He was crying, but not like I was. Tears were falling down his face, but he looked so peaceful.
His eyes meant mine, sending his comfort from him to me.
“It’s okay.” His voice shook but I believed him, I didn’t know how, but I did.
I started to snob again, letting my head get buried in his chest. His scent, his warmth, his heartbeat, it soothed me. I never wanted him to let go of me.
His hold got tighter as I was trying to get closer to him, if that was even possible.
“It’s okay Tori…”
Author’s Note: Oh shit. She knew all along that Chris loved her. Damn. I wonder what Chris is going to do next. Do you think he could forgive her? I think that it’s time to start announcing how many chapters are left.