Seth
By the time I work up the courage to seek out Joshua again, I find him in the backyard.
This is after I put away all the food I bought at the grocery store, and I'm sad he isn't here to help me, but I sort of knew this would happen as soon as I found the phone lying there on the pavement. At least he didn't yell at me again.
I didn't really want to give it to him; I wanted to just never tell him I knew where it was. But I knew I couldn't do that, and somewhere along the line, I guess I've decided I can't keep secrets from him. It's too hard, and nobody enjoys it. I'm still working on it, but I'm getting there.
So I went to find the phone.
I don't know if I'm glad it's broken or not, but it is what it is, and Joshua is still upset about it. Which I can't blame him for; it's the last connection he had to, well, what feels like a whole different world now.
By the time I go outside to find him, the day has considerably cooled off, and it's beginning to come to a close. The color of the sky is now a lightening blue, as the clouds begin to glow a soft pink against this background.
It's not entirely unpleasant, the smell of the night beginning to close in.
The backyard is a jungle of a place. It's overgrown, yellow grass as high as my knees, weeds everywhere, and a garden box that I really, really ought to tend to. I don't think occasionally grabbing anything that looks edible really counts.
There's a small portion of rough tiled stone, a patio just outside the sliding glass door leading out of the house, and this is where I find Joshua, sitting with his knees drawn to his chest, his phone laid out beside him.
I don't know what to say to him, at first, so I say nothing. Sitting down next to him, I look out where he's looking at the grass forest in front of us.
A bout of silence settles between us. Eventually I think we just aren't going to talk at all, but then he says, "I went in your office."
Oh.
My mind shoots to everything I have crammed in that room, everything he possibly could have found or learned, and it's a lot. It's enough that I can't even begin to pinpoint what might have upset him most.
I fidget nervously with a dandelion growing through the cracks in the stone tiles.
"What did you think?" I ask quietly, unable to draw my gaze up from this misfit flower.
Joshua tilts his head where he's resting it on his knees, seeming to contemplate his answer. It's as though he doesn't know what to comment on first, and it's exactly as I feared. He hates all of it, doesn't he?
I struggle to keep my chin from wobbling with the fear and anxiety that overwhelm me in Joshua's pensive moment of thought.
Finally, he decides on what he wants to say. He asks, "¿Tu hablas español?"
It's not at all what I was expecting. I need to a moment to comprehend that he actually isn't mad, and once I have that, relief and hope surges through me.
"Sí." I rush to answer, picking the dandelion and sitting up straighter. In the same language, I continue eagerly, "I thought maybe we could speak in Spanish with each other, if I knew. And it was fun to learn. I also know French. Do you know French?"
I hold the poofy yellow weed as I speak, and then I take a beat to consider what to do with it. Holding it out towards Joshua, I offer it like a gift, and murmur, "Para ti."
Joshua looks from my face to the flower, and there's a weird sort of conflicted look in his eyes. He doesn't seem nearly as excited to learn we share another language as I'd hoped he'd be. He doesn't even seem that excited with my gift, though he does reach out and gently pull it from my fingers.
"No, I don't know French." He mumbles in English, gazing at the dandelion as though in it some elusive secret might be hidden.
"Did you find anything else interesting? In the office?" I try again in Spanish, tentatively, and the strange face Joshua is making seems to only grow more. He looks away.
"Yes." Is all he says.
My shoulders droop. I try hard to fight disappointment and pull my gaze away from his coiled-up figure. I know he's upset, and I guess I didn't give him enough time to himself, because he's still awfully sulky.
Is he trying to make it hard to talk to him? I am trying; I really, really am. I just don't know how to get past this... wall he's putting up. I can just leave, if wants more time to himself. He just has to tell me.
I glance back to him, ready to say this to him when I'm caught by his expression. Pensively he stares at his knees, his brows furrowed, and then he surprises me again with another question.
"Could you explain some of the things to me... that are in there?" He asks, and this time it's more quietly, more uncertain. Like he's stepping out onto a rope bridge that spans a deep ravine: he isn't sure if it'll hold his weight.
The way he asks it has my frustration washing away, and I smile at him. "Of course." Softly. "I would love to."
The tense little line between his brows lessens, and his shoulders loosen. He looks relieved, but he doesn't ask me another question right away. I'm ready for it, whatever he might ask, though I suppose he'll ask again later. Because he instead lets the quiet settle over us once more.
This one isn't tense or waiting; it's just a quiet, a comfortable stillness in which we sit here together, watching the sky don its nighttime coat and listening to the breeze weave through the dry grass. The sky has become a rich orange now, and the world feels like it's glowing.
Almost on its own, my gaze wanders to the phone at Joshua's side. A familiar heavy feeling settles in my chest as I look at it, and I can't help but think back to what I did. I know at this point what I did to break up Joshua and his girlfriend might never be found out. The phone is smashed, after all, and he's with me. Away from anyone who could help him find out. I should feel relieved.
But... This feeling won't leave me alone, and I feel terrible when I think about it.
I feel like I need to tell him, but I don't want him to know. How will it change how he looks at me? I don't want what we have to stop; I don't want to lose his bashful kisses or his tentative acceptance. I finally, finally have this! I've worked so hard for this! But I also don't want him to not know. I'd never feel comfortable with myself if I had to hold this dreadful secret from him forever. I'd feel awful.
I give a guilty start as Joshua suddenly speaks up again.
"Y'know, I can see the Colorado River from here." He comments into the quiet, and I look at him, feeling as though he knows what I'm thinking about.
"Hmm?" I hum, only a little nervously.
"It's over there, in the distance. I recognise it. You said earlier that I didn't know where I was, that I'd get lost if I tried to go out on my own and find my phone. But I see the river now, and it's a bit... relieving. I can follow it back to somewhere I know."
"And so... you..?" I begin slowly, unsure of where to go with this. Him mentioning this has me feeling vaguely apprehensive, though I can't place why, exactly. Until he clarifies.
"And so I could leave now, if I wanted to. I could really go home."
This he says easily, as though the idea isn't a shock of icy, frigid water.
Something feels like it's constricting, in my chest, and I don't know how I should respond to his answer. Should I be hurt? Supportive? In the end, I don't have to be anything.
"But I won't." Joshua concludes, and I sit up with surprise.
"You won't? Really? So— So you really are going to stay here with me, indefinitely? You're going to just... disappear for awhile? And you're okay with that?"
I don't mean to ask so many questions, but they just all sort of pour out of me, and I feel anxious to understand how he feels about all of this. It feels like a big leap: going from not wanting to see me to being okay with going off the grid with me.
Joshua sighs, resting his forehead against his knees and hiding his face with his arms. I can see how conflicted he is in the tenseness of his shoulders, in how long it takes him to answer.
"Yeah..." He answers finally, quietly, shifting to look at me over the curve of his arm. He still holds the dandelion in one hand, and he twirls the stem anxiously as he tries to speak. "It's.." He sighs again, and closes his eyes. "It's best this way. For everyone."
"But..." I grimace. "Is it what's best for you?" I know I'm being pressing with my questions, but I can't stop, not until I get the confirmation that I want, that what we're doing is okay. "Because..."
"Isn't this what you wanted? For me to be with you?" Joshua cuts me off, surprising me.
He doesn't sound angry, per-sey, but there's something pressing in his words as well. Like he needs an answer from me just as much as I need one from him.
"Yes, it was. But not like..." I bite down on my tongue, considering if I really want to admit this. But in the end, I think about not keeping secrets, and I tell him, "Not like this."
"Not like how?" He asks, his brow furrowing just a smidge.
"Like this. Because you have to." I gesture between the two of us. "I wanted... I wanted you to want to be with me, Joshua."
This I confess with every ounce of love I have, and he must hear it in my voice or see the truth of my words on my face, because for a moment, he doesn't seem to know what to say. Then his cheeks begin to darken with a flush, and he looks away from me, as though he knows even the growing darkness can't hide his blush from me.
"Oh." He says, and the word sounds funny, like he doesn't quite know how to inflect it.
Oh. I smile at him again, because somehow with him, it's easier to smile. He makes me want to smile.
Joshua looks like he's struggling with his words.
"I... I don't know yet."
"Mmn?"
"I don't know yet, if I want to be here, with you. But I think... I think I'm getting there. I might... Someday, sometime soon." Joshua murmurs, like it's a secret. His gaze is fixated on the dandelion in his hands.
My heart feels full, and I have so much to say that all I can manage to say is, "I'm glad."
Faintly, as he hears this, Joshua smiles.
He doesn't have anything else to say after that, so I don't force him to talk. It's better that way, I find, to give him his space, even when I want to be all over him. Just the fact that he's staying here, letting me sit next to him while the sun sets, is enough to make me happy.
Gosh. Looking over at him in the fading light, he looks so beautiful. His dark eyes shining, his dark skin painted in warm hues. I just love him so much. I find, seeing him like this, that I want to kiss him. (More than I usually do!) But he'd... probably not like that right now, so I don't.
The sun soon sinks behind the horizon, and we're enveloped in cool darkness. Living way out here, practically on the sandy mesa, there's so little light pollution: all the stars are out, and it's like we can see for millions of miles into space. The night sky is strewed with twinkling stars and shining planets and even, just barely, colourful, gaseous galaxies.
Leaning back on my palms, I look out at it all, and I'm filled with a strange, aching feeling. Somewhere out there... Somewhere out there is a place I came from. Billions of miles of space, and I don't know how I'll ever find out where that place is. Or why I'm here.
Bringing my gaze down, I look to Joshua beside me. He looks so small compared to the vast space out there, compared to everything out there. And yet, even though he's so tiny, he means more than the entire universe to me.
The stars shine in his eyes, and he in mine, and I can't take my eyes off him. If I can't find my world, way up there in the crazy infinite space, then maybe I can just settle for this one here. He can be my world, for he already sort of is.
Joshua blinks, and he looks down from the stars to catch me staring at him. A bout of embarrassment creeps up my face, but instead of looking away, I smile at him. And, shyly, he smiles back.
The night is perfect. Quiet all except for the breeze rustling the grass, for the insects buzzing in the distance, and for... I pause, as I hear it, my ears twitching. And I sigh.
"Are those..?" Joshua begins to ask curiously.
"Yes... They are." I murmur, suddenly feeling tired.
Coyotes.
It begins, first, with one whining howl. Soon a second joins, then a third, and then all of them are yipping and yowling along.
Joshua lets his legs slide out a bit further in front of him, no longer clutching them to his chest. Resting his elbows on his thighs, he looks out into the distance, as though he could to spot them, if he tried hard enough.
"Is it weird...?" He asks eventually, after a while of listening to the coyotes' calls.
"Hmm?"
"The coyotes. Hearing them... is it weird?" Joshua clarifies, glancing to me.
Another loud howl rips through the night, and it sends a shudder down my spine. Hearing them... It's like there's a strange tug in my chest, drawing me towards them. The same kind that draws me towards the planets in the sky.
I look out into the night beyond the backyard, and I can't see them, but I know they're there, close by. Prowling, curious. I wonder if they can feel me.
"Why would it be weird?" I ask, despite the feeling trembling in my heart.
Joshua looks back out in front of us again. "I don't know," he sighs. "You look like one of them, when you... You know. So I was just wondering if maybe you had... some sort of connection."
The moon is almost full, and it looks so clear and bright up there in the sky, making the stars seem dim in comparison. The night is relatively cloudless, but there's a cool breeze, and the few wisps of clouds there are manage to find their way around the waxing moon.
The coyotes' calls turn to yipping and barking, and I can almost feel how they're prancing about.
"I don't know..." I answer finally, sitting up and crossing my legs under me, resting my elbows on my knees. "I guess I do feel something... when I hear them. Sort of like a... drawing, tugging... force. Like I could go join them, if I wanted to."
"Why don't you?"
Joshua's eyes are dark and earnest, and I can't meet them.
"I don't know." I admit again. "I guess it's because... maybe I'm afraid of it? They seem to be closest to that side of me. And I'm always worrying about losing myself to that side, so maybe... just the thought of following that connection is frightening. I just... don't want become that permanently."
The sounds of the coyotes begin to become less distinct, until eventually they trail off all together. They've moved away. I can't help the feeling of loss that comes with them leaving, but looking at Joshua, I hold on to another tugging connection, from the other side of me.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm being pulled in so many different directions, I don't know what to do. I feel like I'll be pulled apart. So I cling to the one I want the most.
"I get the same feeling with you too, sometimes." I say softly. "Do you know that?"
Joshua blinks. "Me?"
"Yes. The same sort of connection I feel towards them from that side of me, I feel towards you from this side of me. And I hold on to that. And... I think... I think maybe it's why I have so much trouble controlling myself when I'm that.
"I realised this, earlier, but... Listening to the coyotes, it reminds me. I..." Joshua's watching me, listening with intent concern. I try to keep my voice from wavering as I confide the upsetting concept that's been floating around my head for awhile now.
"I think..." I let out a breath. "I think maybe, by clinging to this part of me, I'm... neglecting the other part. And that's why I'm having so much trouble finding... balance."
Saying it aloud is like a weight off my chest. I can breathe again, and I look to my lap, taking a moment to bask in the relief.
Joshua sits still at my side, and he seems to be processing the information. When I look at him, I can see it all going on behind his eyes as he works something out. The longer he goes without responding, the more anxious I become to hear his thoughts.
"What do you think?" I ask finally, when I can no longer take the anticipation.
Joshua blinks, and focuses his eyes on me again.
"Well... Hearing this, I..." His lips turn down a bit, and he taps his fingers against the stone of the patio. "There's really only one conclusion to come to, I think, though I don't particularly like it."
"What is it?" I'm leaning towards him, the same thought running over and over again in my mind. I came up with one conclusion as well, one solution, but I want to know if it's the same one.
Joshua fixes his gaze on me. He tells me, "You have to shift more often, willingly. You have to practice it, and then maybe you'll be able to control it better."
There it is.
He's come to the same conclusion. And if it's what he thinks needs to be done, then I can't be wrong. We can't be wrong.
But... The idea of willingly shifting is as daunting as it is exhilarating. Could I really learn to control it? Could I figure out how to keep my own thoughts when I'm in that form?
"I... I have an idea." Joshua supplies hesitantly, drawing me out of the ecstatic spiral of my thoughts. I could see him piecing it together, this idea, and now that he seems to have a hold on it, I'm eager to hear what he has to say.
He bites his lower lip, then releases it, taking in a steadying breath.
He tells me, "I have an idea, but I don't know if I'll like it. Scratch that, I know I won't like it, but..." He closes his eyes, and when he opens them, there's a determined glint in them. He tries to muster a smile. "Sundo, maybe we can cure two birds with one stone."
I raise my brows, and I feel a spark of excitement lighting within me.
"Explain." I breathe out.
And he does.
.
.
.
Two more days until school starts up again for me! I can't believe it! Last year of highschool!
The song is A Sky Full of Stars by Coldplay!
Next up: Exposure Therapy ; )
As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts, and I hope you all have an out-of-this-world weekend!
<3