Beth embraced me tightly in greeting. It was another Monday morning, another rainy day. I felt Beth tremble as she began to cry. It was so unlike her.
"Come on Beth, we're not helping anyone by just standing here and blubbering." Carefully I pushed her to arms length so I could look her firmly in the eyes. "You know that Sophia would scoff at us crying like this. No news is good news OK?" She sniffed and nodded. Enough was enough.
"I never thought I'd see the day where you would tell me to pull myself together. Urgh." She wiped her eyes. "Do you have a tissue, and come to think of it a mirror on you?" I shoved her jovially and pushed her towards the bus stop.
The bus was empty when we got on. I wondered where Mobile Man had gotten to.
"How do you think Jude and Mandy are?" Beth squinted at me, a bauble between her teeth.
"According to Mandy, Jude wasn't too bad after a good cry and a box of Alpen." Beth released the bauble and tied it in her hair. "When Mandy phoned last night she sounded choked up so we'll just have to see I guess," Beth replied, smoothing her ponytail. I glanced down at my cast and traced Kieran's name.
Trouble had been an understatement Indigo Boy.
"Chris, how are you doing?" I started not having realised Jude and Mandy had joined us. Mandy had taken the seat opposite and placed her hand on my knee.
"I'm OK, what about you?" She tightened her grip on my knee a little. Her eyes searched the air for answers.
"It's not been the most restful or cheerful of weekends, with my father covering it in the paper it was all that was getting talked about at home." She sniffed. "You know, it's at times like this I wish I was like Jude. She's only cried once." Prompted, I glanced at Jude. She was shifty, avoiding eye contact with me.
"How much did you eat this weekend?" I enquired.
"Enough," she mumbled quietly.
Just before I attempted suicide, Jude was having problems of her own. Her family was in a mess what with her brother being in trouble with the law and her parents amidst a long divorce battle. Too caught up in self absorbed dispair I'd failed to notice Jude had stopped eating."
After she collapsed in a gym class she was in hospital for a month or so, a puppet to the tubes that fed her. The fact I joined her a week later didn't help anyone. We were both so young, so helpless and broken. But where Jude had had her reasons, I had nothing to say for myself.
"How much is enough?" I knew how much I despised being interrogated so this was cruel. Jude massaged the back of her neck gingerly.
"I had a box of Alpen bars and a couple of oranges. I wasn't hungry." she admitted.
"Is that all?" Beth questioned.
"You know its how I deal with emotion, it's not my fault!" she protested.
"So come one then, tell me what you had for breakfast this morning!" Beth demanded. I didn't personally see the need to pester her further. The important thing was to get her to eat something.
"An oatcake." Beth pursed her lips.
"Here, eat this. Heaven knows you need it more than I do." Jude abstained. "That means you eat it now!" Beth chucked a chocolate bar from her bag at Jude, keeping solemn. Bashfully Jude ripped the wrapper open and stuffed a chunk into her mouth.
"Honestly if I wasn't able to eat twenty four seven I think I'd die," Beth huffed, patting her stomach adoringly. I rolled my eyes.
"So what would you die from, starvation or the massive temper tantrum you'd throw?" Mandy asked curiously, a small smirk creeping across her face. Beth pouted. Everyone else laughed but then awkwardly surveyed the bus floor.
Too soon for laughing then.
Eventually, when we clambered off the bus we fell into stilted conversation. I wasn't quite sure if I was prepared to face the day, especially with conversation so frigid. I gritted my teeth and walked with the others to the gate. Things would get better.
Tom was waiting for me, a sure sign of better things. The girls looked at me unsurely before going ahead and walking through the gates without me. Tom held out his arms to me and like a lost child now found, I surrendered to them.
"Hello," he said, his chin resting on my hair. "I've been worried about you." I cuddled into him, happy he was near. "I'm sorry, about Sophia and Kieran I mean. I should have said so on Friday."
"It's OK. Thank you for taking me home," I mumbled into his chest. He stroked my hair. I would not push him away this time.
"How was your session with Collins?"
"You remembered?" I'd only told him in passing conversation,
"I always do." And so I told him how she'd been her pushy, irritating self and had dismissed me within half an hour. He laughed.
We were then interrupted and I slipped from Tom's grasp. He smiled at me dopily before I turned to focus on Mandy. Her eyes involuntarily caught Tom's, lingering strangely for a moment and then she lowered her gaze to mine.
"Chris there's something you should see, or rather someone" she said, grabbing my hand and stealing me from Tom. I wanted to hesitate, shake her off, but the determination in her face told me not to.
"I'll see you later," I compromised, allowing myself be led away from Tom.
Mandy pulled me forcefully into the school grounds. In the center stood a group of people, all of which I knew. All four turned to inspect me. Beth and Jude bore wide smiles on their faces, the inhibitions of sorrow gone. One of the others wore a mocking grin, likely having just been told of my tears and upsets over the past few days. The final person was smiling at me. I eyed them apprehensively, not sure if they were really there. Mandy pulled me onwards into the ring of spectators.
"Well Chris it looks like we were worrying over nothing! Trust us to overreact like we did," Beth squealed. They all gawped from Kieran to me, hoping for some dramatic reunion.
"Yeah, it would seem that way wouldn't it." An irrepressible irritation rushed through me. My glare was only meant for one. Kieran was completely obtuse. "Could I talk to you privately Kieran?" It was not a request.
"Sure." He acted cool and collected in front of the others; I wished he'd squirm. I walked ahead of him, making sure we were at a fair distance from everyone else. Clenching my one good fist and scowling, I swiftly turned to face Kieran, catching him off guard.
"What the hell was that? Why would you let me worry like that?" I growled steadying my stance and furrowing my brow further. His face remained bemused.
"Worry you like what exactly?" he challenged. I could have slapped him.
"You know full well I knew you were in Chicago. I worked out what you are by myself remember? I am not stupid Indigo Boy."
"So what I was in Chicago with terrorists and bombs and horror? I told you that I'd always come back. You obviously didn't listen to me." He started to become louder, battling my shouts with his.
"If you'd have seen what happened to you from my perspective you too would have been just as frightened as I was!" I clenched my jaw and crossed my arms. It was constantly in the back of my mind that he could knock me out with one outburst but I didn't care "Even you can't deny how much your job is Hell so don't try preaching to me!"
"So you were there. I thought I heard you, screaming my name after the explosion. I should be asking why you felt it was your right to invade my mind," he roared, making me take a protective step backwards.
"You think I asked for any of this bollocks to happen to me?" I snapped. "And that is bloody rich coming from you Kieran. Of course you would never invade someone's consciousness . Am I mistaken that it was you who interrogated me in my sleep or am I just making things up now?"
"Don't be afraid to be truthful Kieran, I am an ex psycho after all," I seethed.
"It's not the same thing!" he retorted.
"Oh really, it's not the same?" I sighed, the fury dripping slowly out of me so I was left sad rather than angry.
"Kieran, if you knew that I was there could you not have presumed I was worried about you? Could you not have used whatever the hell connects us to tell me you were alive, that you were OK? Do you not think I care about what happens to you?" My voice had fallen into an exasperated whisper. Tears were forming in my eyes. I didn't care if he saw me cry. Let him see the anguish he'd caused.
"I had never imagined you capable of reaching me like that. And I told you that I would always come back, I thought it would be enough," he confessed.
I could tell Beth. Mandy, Jude and Sophia were looking on at us, as well as the rest of the rapidly filling playground.
"You thought I'd never guess you were involved in a suicide bombing attack? I was there Kieran, in your mind. I witnessed everything you did. After the explosion how could I not wonder if you were dead? That's when I lost you." I clutched my head.
"None of this is normal! Nothing I know or feel makes sense anymore." Kieran stared at me blankly. "Nothing? You're just going to stand there." A stray tear trickled down my face.
"Please, don't cry." Kieran sighed reaching out to sweep the tear away. I smacked his hand away fiercely, now angrier than he could possibly have understood.
"Leave me alone," I murmured before turning and walking away from him. I hung my head so that I couldn't see the faces of the surprised onlookers. Beth, Jude and Mandy soon caught up with me - Sophia probably staying behind to console Kieran.
"What the hell that all about?" Beth challenged.
"You wouldn't understand because I certainly don't," I spat.
"I don't know what he's said or done Chris, but surely after all he's been through you could cut the guy a little slack," Beth said in his defence. I inhaled deeply.
"To be perfectly frank Beth I don't feel that cutting him slack will make me feel better. I told him what he deserved to be told. If you want to go back and smother him, then be my guest. As for me, I'm going straight to registration. If you do feel the need to go back and check on him don't go making apologies on my behalf." Mandy and Beth looked petrified of me and scarpered. Jude on the other hand couldn't be happier.
"Finally our Chris got some balls!" She laughed heartily as she accompanied me into the school, arm draped across my shoulder. At least she was feeling better.
Later, summoned by the bell, Beth and Mandy joined Jude and I for registration. They reeked of guilt.
"So what did you tell him?" I asked as we waited to be let into the classroom. Beth and Mandy exchanged cautious glances.
"We only went to check if he was OK," Beth said.
"We also said that you were worked up and having an off day. I know you told us specifically not to but Kieran's a nice guy and we didn't think you'd want whatever it is you're angry about to get in the way of your friendship." I could see that Mandy was sorry for interfering where I'd told her not to and with a face like hers you could never stay mad for long.
"Look guys I said what I needed to say and at the end of the day it's Kieran who needs to apologise to me, not the other way around. Until then can we get on with things?" They all shrugged and agreed. With a sigh of relief I walked calmly into registration, my friends following closely behind me.
All I had to do for now was to follow my own advice and get on with it. How hilarious a concept considering the Indigo Boy knew better that to give up.
~*~*~*~
Oh, raging. What do you think? Did Chris overract or was she right to call Kieran out? Let me know what you think by comment and conversing. A vote would be wonderful too!
Read. Imagine. Inspire.
Bekah x