#ABNQ62 Chapter 62
I didn't expect him to run after me—I didn't expect him to listen to anything that I'd say. Because I knew that as far as he's concerned, I was nothing in his life.
I was just a part of his past... something he badly wanted to forget.
And I understood that... I didn't want to accept it, but I understood. I understood that what I did was unforgivable. Alam ko na kahit ano ang gawin ko ay hinding-hindi niya ako mapapatawad.
"I'm happy," I heard him say before the door shut behind me.
Agad akong natigilan. I heard footsteps. My heart began to tumble inside my chest.
"I'm happy," he said like he was trying to convince himself.
I turned and looked at him. I tried to put on a brave face, but I knew that it was all for nothing. He could see right through me... I wished that he could see how unbearable everything was for me now.
How that single mistake changed my life in the cruelest way.
"Thank you," he said. "Thank you for cheating on me before things got too serious." Unti-unting umawang iyong labi ko. Nagsimulang lumuha iyong mga mata ko sa reyalisasyon sa gusto niyang sabihin.
"You wanna know why I was so busy when I was in Madrid? Because I was talking to everyone in the family, telling everyone about you. I wanted to introduce you... because you know? I really thought it was you, Joey. I thought you were the one for me."
Ang bigat.
Ang hirap.
"I even fought with Saint because he wanted to get the ring for Mary. I was so fucking pissed at him because he got the ring... But thinking about it now? I was glad that I didn't get it. You don't deserve anything from me."
I looked at him. I looked at how red his eyes were. I looked at the hurt that was in his eyes.
"I was about to propose—to assure you that no matter how busy you get in school or I get in work, at the end of the day, I'd still be here for you... But what did I get?" he asked, letting out a dry laugh. "You. Kissing him."
I was lost for words. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin ko. Hindi ko alam na iyon ang mga nangyari. He never told me about this. Ang alam ko lang, binisita niya ako pagbalik niya galing Spain...
"To answer your question, I am happy. Thank you for showing your true color," he said before he started to walk back away from me.
"I'm sorry," I said. He didn't stop, but I knew he could hear me. "I'm sorry for everything... I'll do my best to stay away from you... If that will make you happy," I continued. I closed my eyes and let the tears fall.
"All I ever wanted was your happiness," I said before I ran away.
Dali-dali akong lumabas habang naka-hawak sa dibdib ko. Even looking at him hurt me so bad. Alam ko na kahit gaano pang katagal ang panahon na lumipas, kahit mapatawad man niya ako, hinding-hindi ko mapapatawad ang sarili ko.
This mistake... this would haunt me forever.
There's nowhere to escape.
I'd forever carry this guilt inside me... slowly eating me inside until there's nothing left.
I stopped for a while.
I stopped to cry.
My heart felt heavy—everything felt heavy. Hindi ko na alam kung ano pa ang dapat kong maramdaman. Hindi ko na alam kung sino ang dapat kong sisihin, kung ano pa'ng klaseng panghihinayang ang dapat kong maramdaman.
I cried. I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. And when I finally calmed down, tahimik akong nagdrive papuntang airport. I kept on telling myself that this was what I needed to do. I needed to do something good so that I could tell myself that I wasn't totally a bad person... That I was just a person who made bad decisions.
That I wasn't beyond saving.
Pagdating ko sa airport, pumasok na agad ako. Alam ko na masyado pa akong maaga para sa flight ko, pero naisip ko na mas mabuti na dito na lang muna ako. I couldn't even stay at home because I knew that it would just be harder kapag nakita ko si Papa. He hated all those years na nasa Cavite ako, and now that I finally graduated, I chose to go somewhere further.
Nag-ikut-ikot ako sa paligid pagkatapos kong magcheck-in. I knew I should eat, but I didn't really have the appetite for it. I ended up going in a bookstore to find something to read. Tahimik akong namimili ng librong bibilhin nang biglang may tumawag sa pangalan ko. Agad akong napa-pikit nang makilala ko kung kaninong boses iyon nanggagaling.
"Marcus," I said. There he was, standing in front of me. He was looking at me, his face saying nothing at all. Hindi ko alam kung bakit siya nandito... Fuck, I knew why he was here, but I didn't want to acknowledge it. Why was he making things harder for me? Hindi pa ba niya alam kung gaano ako nahihirapan? Na kahit ilang taon na iyong nakalipas, hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin ako matahimik dahil sa nangyari?
"Sasama ako."
Umiling ako. "No."
"Sasama ako."
Huminga ako nang malalim, at saka siya tinignan nang mabuti. "Bakit ka sasama? 'Di ba simula na ng residency mo? Hindi ka ba nag-iisip?"
His face remained the same—he seemed steadfast with his stupid decision to come with me. Bakit siya sasama sa akin? I was going away to get away from him—from everything that was causing me nothing but pain and self-doubt. Bakit ba hindi nila ako pabayaan? Bakit ba hindi nila ako intindihin?
"Nagsabi na ako sa kanila. Ayokong pumunta ka doon mag-isa," sabi niya na tila pinapaintindi sa akin ang dahilan niya kung bakit siya sasama.
Marahas akong umiling. "I don't need you here; I don't need you there. Bakit ba kasi hindi mo na lang ako tigilan? Ang daming iba d'yan, Marcus! Bakit ba ayaw mo akong tantanan? It's been years! Hindi ka ba napapagod?!"
I saw him fisting his knuckles. "Ikaw 'yung gusto ko. Ikaw 'yung pangarap ko. Ang hirap mong bitawan, Joey," sabi niya sa malungkot niyang boses. Pero hindi na ako tanga; hindi na ako kagaya ng dati na magpapadala sa mga matatamis niyang salita. Tama na 'yung naniwala ako dati. Tama na 'yung pinaasa niya ako... at biglang binitawan.
"No. You already did it before. Surely, you can do it again now," I told him, staring into his eyes, wishing that he'd see in mine how badly I wanted him gone from my life. How seeing him was bringing me nothing but agony. I wanted him to see that.
"Joey, sinabi ko naman sa 'yo na—"
"Na iniwan mo ako sa ere noon kasi nahihiya ka kay Papa dahil siya iyong tumutulong sa 'yo sa pag-aaral? Na pakiramdam mo umaabuso ka na kung magiging tayo?" I said, cutting him off. "I heard your explanation, Marcus, but that doesn't change the fact that you left me. Iniwan mo ako. Iniwan mo ako sa problema na ginawa nating dalawa," seryosong sabi ko habang naka-tingin sa kanya, nagmamakaawa na intindihin niya ang mga salitang lumalabas sa bibig ko.
Hindi siya gumalaw. Nanatili siyang naka-tayo at naka-tingin sa akin. Kinuha ko iyong oportunidad para ipaliwanag sa kanya kung bakit hindi pwede, kung bakit hindi dapat... At kung bakit hinding-hindi ako papayag na maging kaming dalawa.
"You said you couldn't be with me because you feel indebted to my father... Now listen to me because I am telling you that I'll never be with you because looking at you reminds me of the thing that's killing me! We made a mistake! I cheated on Psalm because of you! I can't be with you! Intindihin mo naman ako!"
Umiling siya. "Joey—"
Nagsimulang tumulo iyong luha sa mga mata ko. Ang bigat ng pakiramdam ko. Parang unti-unti na akong tinatakasan ng bait dahil sa lahat ng dinadala ko.
"No. Marcus, I can't be with you. I don't want to be with you. Seeing you will remind me of what I did. Ayokong mabuhay ng ganon," I begged him.
He didn't say a word. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko para pakinggan niya ako. Hindi ko na alam kung ano pa ang dapat kong sabihin para maniwala siya sa sinasabi ko na kahit ano pa ang mangyari, hindi magiging kami.
Umiling siya.
"Ten years, Joey. Ten years na kitang mahal... Hindi pa ba sapat 'yun? Kulang pa ba?"
Ayokong tumingin sa kanya. Ayokong tumingin habang unti-unting nagtutubig iyong mga mata niya. Ayokong muling magpadala sa mga salita niya, sa mga tingin niya.
"Alam ko mali ako. Mali ako sa ginawa ko. Galit ka sa 'kin. Pero ano'ng gagawin ko kung ikaw lang talaga 'yung gusto ko?"
Umiling ako. "Maraming iba—"
"Alam ko, pero ikaw pa rin 'yung gusto ko."
"I don't want to be with you," I said.
Ngumiti siya habang mabilis na pinunasan iyong luha sa kanyang mga mata. "Alam ko. Paulit-ulit mong sinasabi. Kabisado ko na. Pero ano'ng magagawa ko? Kahit nasa tabi mo lang ako, masaya na ako. Iyon lang, Joey. 'Wag mo namang ipagkait sa 'kin."
Napapikit ako sa frustration na nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. Hindi ko alam kung ano'ng klaseng salita o paliwanag ang dapat kong gawin para tuluyan niya akong intindihin.
"Hindi kita guguluhin doon. Gusto ko lang na nakikita kita. Gusto ko lang na alam kong ligtas ka," sabi niya.
"Marcus, you're throwing your life away from me! Hindi lahat ng tao nabibigyan ng opportunity na binibigay sa 'yo! Bakit hindi mo makita 'yun? Bakit ka nandito? Bakit mo sinasayang 'yung lahat ng 'yun?"
Muli siyang umiling. "But I never wanted all of that, Joey... Gusto ko lang sumaya. Gusto lang kita. Bakit ayaw mo rin akong pakinggan? Bakit pinipilit mo akong pakinggan ka, pero ayaw mong makinig sa akin?"
"Kasi mali! Kasi hindi dapat!"
"Sino'ng nagsabi?" balik niya sa akin.
"Marcus, you know this is wrong!"
He shook his head. "Alam mo kung ano 'yung mali? 'Yung ayaw mong patawarin 'yung sarili mo. 'Yung ayaw mong patahimikin 'yung sarili mo. Yes, you made a mistake, but you already paid for it, Joey! Ano pa ba ang kailangan mong gawin? For years, I watched you suffer because of that mistake! Alam mo ba kung gaano kasakit sa 'kin 'yun? Alam mo ba kung gaano kahirap 'yun? Na alam ko na kasalanan ko, pero wala akong magawa dahil ni hindi mo ako magawang tignan?"
I pressed my lips. "No. It's still a no, Marcus. I don't want to be with you," sabi ko, at mabilis ko siyang tinalikuran. Wala akong pakielam kung pinagtitinginan na kami ng mga tao—wala akong pakielam sa mga naka-tingin sa akin habang sunud-sunod ang pagtulo ng mga luha ko.
I just wanted to get away from Marcus—from everything.
"Go back, Marcus. Finish your residency. Save lives. Kung gusto mo akong maging masaya, iyon ang gawin mo!"
He was still following me. "Paano naman 'yung sa akin? Paano naman 'yung kasiyahan ko?"
"Go find it somewhere else!" I shouted, but still kept on following me. I was losing hope that he'd leave me alone. Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang gagawin ko. He seemed determined to follow me to the end of the world.
I was so close to begging him... To just please leave me...
But we both halted when we saw Psalm.
And he was holding a ticket, too.