Chapter 2 "keep going"
"Three month rule? Hindi sa lahat nag-aapply 'yan. Sa'yo pa mismo galing 'yan dati, right?"
Why do I have to surround myself with such honest human beings right now? Like seriously? I'm broken. My heart's been shatterd at wala akong mapanghingan ng sympathy kasi mas kinakampihan pa nila 'yong ex ko kaysa sa akin. Aren't I part of their family? Hello! I'm their cousin.
I get it naman. May mali ako pero hindi tama na parang ginagawa nila na ako may kasalanan ng lahat. May mali rin naman siya. Mas malala pa nga ata iyong kanya pero bakit parang ako pa 'yong sobrang sama?
"She's courting her..."
Why are they doing this? Why do they have to hurt me more?
I closed my eyes to stop my tears. Self infliction na ba'to? Ang sakit na mapakinggan na may kasama siyang ibang babae pagkatapos ng isang buwan na nagbreak kami pero mas masakit pa rin pala na marinig na may nililigawan na siyang iba. Is it really easy to throw 'us'? Ni sana ipinakita niya man lang sa akin na sa tatlong buwan nasasaktan pa rin siya. Para mas magaan sa pakiramdam at hindi iyong wala pang tatlong buwan nakahanap na siya ng ibang ipapalit sa akin.
I don't question his love for me. Alam kong minahal niya ako no'ng kami pa. I understand if he finds another woman kasi alam kong may mali rin ako kaya kami naghiwalay but those thoughts, even if you understand, doesn't soothe what's inside your chest. Masakit pa rin. My love was blinding me to understand it fully in order to move on. Mahal ko siya kaya inaayaw kong intindihin ang dapat. I know it's unfair but I love him and I want him back. I want us back kahit na napakaimposible na.
"I want to be alone." I mumbled to them. I want to sleep just so I can escape. I've been trying my best to be busy all the time para hindi ko siya maisip pero hindi ko magawa, I love him so much, na makikita ko na lang ang sarili kong tulala at inaalala lahat. I want to drink but I don't want to get hangovers afyer kaya 'wag na lang.
"Stop torturing yourself, Lilie. There's still other guys out there--"
"Don't talk about boys, Ate Alcian. We both know you lack experience on that topic." I answered immidiately, irritated.
"You act like your brother now." She counter attack.
"And you act like him as well, bet this thing runs in our blood." I covered myself with my sheets. "Just give me time... I want to be alone." Just please.
Ayokong makita na naman nila akong umiiyak.
I tried to sleep and great I did. Pero pagbuklat ng mata ko wala akong ibang ginawa kung hindi ang bumalik sa mga araw na masaya pa kami.
I wiped my tears and covered myself under my sheet. So this is how I will end my vacation, crying and putting my dramas.
If I can only stay in my bed forever then I'll stay but real life's just can't be set aside.
"Oh shit!"
I rolled my eyes when I almost bumped my brother. Gosh! Hindi ba pwedeng time out din muna sa kanya? I had enough stress lately tapus makikita ko pa siya.
"What?" pataray na sagot ko at humalukipkip sa kanya.
"Your face." He pointed my face.
I haven't looked at the mirror yet kaya naalarma ako.
"What happened?" I asked. Kinapa ko lahat ng parte ng mukha ko.
"Still ugly." Sagot niya at nilagpasan na ako.
Huminga ako ng malalim at humalukipkip na hinarap siya. Seriously? Is this really his thing? To keep me annoyed everytime? I wish si Kuya Raeb o kuya Pearl na lang ang naging kuya ko. Nakakabwiset siya! Wala siyang ibang ginawa kung hindi bwisitin ako araw-araw.
"What's wrong with you?"
"I told you... he'll leave you. You never listened to me." He grab a sandwich and raised his lips before eating half of it.
And why would I? Hindi bale nang magkamali ako basta hindi ako maniniwala sa sinasabi niya. I don't really trust him and I hate him. So much!
"I'd rather get myself hurt than doing things you think I should do. I don't trust you." I answered and rolled my eyes on him.
"But you can't hide the fact that I was always right eveytime I warned you."
"Because you're doing something to make it happen. Hindi na ako magtataka kung may kinalaman ka sa paghihiwalay namin. You always want me to have a screwed relationship. Knowing that you're my brother." I fight back, pissed.
"Thanks for being my brother by the way. Note for the sarcasm." I added and turned my heels out of the kitchen.
Nakasimangot akong tiningnan ni ate bago tinanong.
"What happened?"
"Just ask your brother, Ate." Sagot ko. Ayoko ng magtagal sa bahay kasi mas nasisira ang araw ko pag nasa paligid ang kuya.
At wala na akong lakas para magkwento. I looked like a mess right now for sure and knowing that today is my first day of being a fourth year college made me feel worse than being harassed.
Gosh! Why do I have to see his face early in the morning? Hindi niya ba alam na nakakabwiset siya?
"Let's go, kuya Moy."
He opened the door of my car when suddenly someone, a bit older than me I think, showed himself.
"Ma'am, siya po iyong pinadala ng daddy niyo para magbantay sa inyo."
I looked at the guy, same old outfit. He smiled at me and about to say something when I nodded. I almost forgot, malapit na nga pala ang election that's why dad send another guard for me.
"Kindly bring me to school, kuya Moy." Because I'm going to be late. I grabbed my phone and texted the rest of my clique. I really want to be happy but how? Now that shool day's coming closer to me.
Tapus there's a big chance I'll be seeing Helmer. I felt a bit excited but remembering what Kayexa told me, nag-iba ang pakiramdam ko.
"What should I do?" I whispered off my mouth and felt another oozing moment of pain. He has another woman with him. Tapus ako lugmok pa rin sa nangyari sa amin. Ang hirap pala talaga kung nangarap ka na kayo na talaga in the end tapus biglang isang araw naglaho na lahat ng mga 'yon.
"Saan, Ma'am?" napalingon ako sa bagong guard na naupo sa harap ng sasakyan. He was smiling ear to ear kaya kinilabutan ako. Sa halip na sagutin siya's binalik ko na lang ang tingin ko labas ng bintana.
"Kung kailangan niyo ng kausap, Ma'am--"
I sighed that's why he stopped. "Did dad informed you about your rights, spaces you need to know and your work?" I uttered, half way irritated. I get it, bago palang siya kaya siguro ganito but gosh I hate nosy people. Hindi ko alam kung hanggang saan ko siya matitiis.
"I hate people prying on someone's business..." I uttered. I hope I made myself clear.
"I'm sorry, Ma'am." He answered, almost a whisper.
Muli kong binalik ang tingin ko sa labas ng bintana habang naghahantay ng minuto para tuluyang makarating sa school. As I looked behind my window, narinig kong nagring iyong phone ko.
"Four more minutes," agad kong sagot kay Red.
"That's not the reason why I called," she responded. I raised my brow even if it's too impossible for her to see it.
"Will you be okay?" she added.
Saglit akong natigil bago muling binalik ang tanong niya sa isip ko. Will I?
I laughed.
Of course not! I won't feel fine, but what should I do? Wala naman akong alam na shortcut para agad na maging masaya pagkatapos ng nangyari. I think I have to endure another day being tormented. I don't have fucking choice and no way I can turn myself out of this place.
"I will..." nasabi ko na lang bigla.
"Okay... nandito lang kami."
"I'll call you later..." I told her before ending the call. I just stared at my phone at pinakiramdaman ang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko.
This is one of those moments I want to end. Iyong naghahantay ka nang oras para masaktan. Kaya ko kaya? Kaya ko ba pag nakita ko siya? Can I still stand if I saw him with someone else?
No! I can't!
"Ma'am!"
Huminga muna ako ng malalim bago lumabas. I started walking when I felt someone's following me. Tumigil ako at nilingon siya.
"You can't stay inside the room. Sa labas ka maghintay." I reminded him. He smiled again and nodded.
"Okay, Ma'am!"
Tumango ako bago muling bumalik sa paglalakad. Gosh! Naiirita pa rin ako sa kanya.
I turned right when suddenly my feet felt weak...
There... I saw the guy I still love.
He's smiling...
He looks good... still.
But when he saw me, his smile turned ash.
And my heart shrink...
Kusang bumagsak ang mga mata ko nang lagpasan niya ako kasama ng mga kaibigan niya.
Parang nawala ang boses ko ng mga minutong 'yon. Kahit na ilang beses kong tawagin ang pangalan niya. Hindi siya lumilingon.
"Helmer, please! Let's talk." I grabbed his wrist. Hingal na hingal pa rin ako gawa ng pagtakbo ko hindi lang mapakawalan ang pagkakataong 'to. I need him. I want him. Kahit napakaliit na ng chance na mangyari 'yon susubukan ko pa rin kasi gustong-gusto kong bumalik kami sa dati.
Nakakahiya man, wala na akong pakeelam. Kahit na pagtinginan kami ng mga tao, wala akong pake.
"Ma'am!"
"Step back!" I warned him kahit pa nakatalikod ako sa kanya.
I gripped his wrist and tried to pull him just so he can face me. It wasn't hard anymore since iyon naman na ata ang gagawin niya.
Mas lalo akong nalungkot nang hindi ko mabasa ang ekspresiyon niya.
"Helmer..." I cried out. I want to hug him. Gusto kong yakapin siya ng sobrang higpit dahil sa sobrang pagkamiss ko sa kanya but I respect him too that staying in my place would make him feel better.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry..." hindi ko na alam kung ilang beses ko itong binigkas. I want him to feel it, that I am really really sorry for what I've done.
"Lillie..." my tear kept on falling.
Umiling ako, "you still love me, right?" I asked him. Hindi siya umimik kaya mas lalong bumagsak ang mga luha ko. "Right, Helmer?"
"I do..."
"Then come back! Let's be together again." I begged. I held his wrist tighter.
Hindi ko inalis ang mata ko sa kanya. Natatakot ako na pag inalis ko iyon ay tuluyan na siyang mawawala sa akin. That even if I'm holding him ay bigla na lang siyang maglalaho.
"Helmer!" I don't care if I look pathetic. Burn my image, I just want him back.
Kusang bumagsak ang mga kamay ko nang makita ko itong ngumiti.
"I'm sorry if we still love each other yet I can't stay with you."
"Kasi may iba ka na? Tama?" buong loob ko siyang tiningnan kahit na malabo na ang paningin ko gawa ng mga luha na walang tigil sa pagbagsak.
"She have nothing to do with this." He whispered. Mapait akong tumawa kahit na ang sakit sakit na ng dibdib ko.
"I tried saving our relationship. You knew that. Masarap kang mahalin pero mahirap. You prioritize other things than the important ones. You always forget me."
"Two years of fighting for your attention? That wasn't easy, Lillie." Ngiti niya.
Napahawak ako sa dibdib ko.
"I really want to fight 'til the end but I also get tired. And I'm sorry I don't have any strength to keep going. I'm sorry, Lillie."