Joshua
When I begin to come to, it's to the feeling of something heavy draped over me.
"Mmm..." I moan groggily, shifting a bit. I feel warm, too warm.
Blinking open my eyes, I gaze blearily out in front of me. What I don't expect to see is the the soft, sleeping face of Sundo, so close to mine.
A little choking sound escapes me as I stiffen, fully awoken by the sight of him. I'd totally forgotten. Looking at him, everything begins to come back to me: the conversation in the kitchen, the kissing, the crying... My throat feels sore and scratchy, and my face still feels a bit red and raw.
Scowling a bit, I close my eyes, nestling my face into the sheets between Sundo and I. Without a sleepy fog to comfort me, reality is creeping in, knocking on the door. I don't want to have to think about the very serious problems we're still facing, not yet. I just want to stay here, just a little longer... To lay here, without talking, without having to yet figure out what we are now to each other.
The room is considerably brighter than it was when I first saw it. My back is facing the window, and from it, muted streams of sunlight are dappling over the room, over Sundo's gentle face. I'm unable to keep my eyes closed, knowing that he's right there in front of me. Gazing out at him, I... I don't know how to describe how I'm feeling right now. I just know... I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.
Sundo. It still feels weird to think. I don't know when I made the decision to start thinking of him as that again, but I know I told myself to make a decision. I guess I made it subconsciously, sometime before darting up those steps. Before... My lips still feel a little tingly, just at remembering the feel of them against Sundo's.
I hardly even remember falling asleep. I was just so exhausted, and we kind of just... Passed out really. His arm is still draped over my torso, keeping us close, and I think maybe that's why I feel so warm. Because he's so close, and because the sun is shining on my back, and because I didn't change out of any of yesterday's clothes. Gross.
Something about the way I slept strikes me though, and I can't put a finger on what it is. I just hardly even remember doing it. It's strange, like I... I lay still as it dawns on me. I didn't have any nightmares. I slept so soundly because I had none, none at all.
I suck in a breath of incredulity. Blinking out at Sundo, I find little tremors running up my body, ones I try hard to suppress. How? How? How is now the time I don't have any nightmares? Why is now when they leave me alone? Is it because of him?
I hold in the breath I'd taken, pressing my lips together. Behind my eyes I feel tears welling up again all over again, and I squeeze my eyes shut. I'm not going to cry again. Not so soon. It's pathetic.
"Mmn..." Comes a faint groan.
The breath comes out of me in a puff of surprise, and I open my eyes, gazing out at Sundo. His arm around me tightens for a moment, pulling me closer, while his nose crinkles up a bit. He shifts under the sunlight warming his features, before his eyes finally flutter open. It seems to take a moment for him to focus on his surroundings, but as his gaze lands on me, those emerald eyes clear, and brighten. His pupils dilate as a contented little smile splays across his face.
"Good morning." He murmurs, tilting his head happily. He still sounds sleepy, even a little dreamy, as though he's not fully woken up yet. His voice is a low rumble, like a purr; I can actually feel it from his proximity.
"Morning." I murmur back, feeling the jitters return to me. All at once I can't keep reality away, and I suddenly can't believe I'm actually here, beside him, waking up like this is a normal, perfectly alright situation to be in.
"I'm so glad you're still here..." Sundo adds, almost to himself. He doesn't seem to know how to look anywhere else, and it's causing looking back at him to become slightly more difficult.
"Did you think I was going to leave?" I ask, choosing to instead focus my gaze on the inky markings on his collar bone.
"It's not like I could've ruled out the possibility."
I feel him fit his hands against my waist, tugging until I can't help but look up at him again, because we're so close. It's warm, so warm, and he's moving to kiss me again and—
"Seth—" I say on reflex, bringing a hand up to stop him.
He blinks, his brows going high with surprise as I press my fingers to his lips.
"I'm sorry," He says immediately after, drawing back. "I thought— If you don't want to—"
"No," I say quickly, before he can spiral into many other painful possibilities. "I just... I think maybe we shouldn't do that... all the time."
"Oh." Sundo says, processing this. "Okay..." He adds eventually, and I can see him trying to hide his disappointment.
Ugh. I feel bad for turning him down, I just... The kissing wasn't bad, not at all. I'm just afraid I can't do it like this, so much all at once. I feel like we've jumped off the deep end, and I'm struggling to tread water, to keep myself afloat. I don't want to turn him down, but I also don't want to lose my head again. He's just so much, all at once, and I don't know how to handle what he does to me yet.
So until then, I don't want to overdo it.
Now he's not looking at me, gazing to the side pensively, and it makes me feel weirder than before. I don't want to leave it at that... That's an awful note to leave this—whatever this is—on.
Quickly, before I can lose my nerve, I lean up and give him one kiss. Just one, but it's still embarrassing, and still overwhelmingly difficult. And I thought working up the courage to kiss girls was hard.
I don't even get his lips. I miss. I hear his sound of surprise as my lips brush the corner of his mouth, closer to his jaw than anything, and just as quickly I'm pulling away, awkwardly clambering around as I push myself up to sit. I can't bring myself to glance and see his reaction, but I soon feel the bed dipping as he sits up as well. He's grinning.
Thankfully, he doesn't comment. Or maybe he just doesn't know what to say, which is also fine by me. I don't think I'm ready to talk about it yet. Well, talk about it again. I don't know if last night's waterworks count. Ugh. I shudder at recalling them.
Beside me, Sundo arches his back like a cat, stretching his arms out above him as a series of startlingly loud cracks pop down his spine. At the same time, he yawns so widely I almost worry for his jaw. I can't help but stare, and when he notices, he flashes me a second grin.
"So." He hums playfully, letting his arms drop and pressing them into the mattress behind him. "You hungry?"
"Sort of... I suppose. I did eat a banana last night, before coming up." I speak rather slowly, trying to gather my thoughts. Dropping my gaze to the messy floor, I give a bit of a shrug.
"Oh, did you?"
I glance up to him, my eyebrows raising. "What, you didn't...?" I suddenly stop myself, trailing off, embarrassed and unsure of how I want to finish that question.
Sundo just grins at me. "Didn't what?"
Furrowing my brows, I gesture helplessly, trying to convey my meaning without actually having to say it. But he just keeps looking at me with that little gleam in his eyes, and I know he's going to make me say it.
"You know," I force out with frustration. I feel like a flustered toddler who gets embarrassed around intimate words like "heart". Pathetic.
Finally, thoroughly shamefaced, I finish: "You didn't... taste it?"
"Oh!" Sundo exclaims, his face positively lighting up. Like he didn't already understand what I meant before. Fucking unbelievable.
"Not really? But I guess I wasn't looking for it." He concludes with slightly too much satisfaction, and I narrow my eyes at him.
He just beams back like the smiley person he is, and I'm sure the all-together intimidating effect of my glare is moot because of the redness of my cheeks. I hate it.
"Well, let's go!" Sundo chirps, bouncing to the edge of the bed to hop off.
Begrudgingly, I follow, and he leads me downstairs and into the kitchen with that now familiar gentle tugging style of his. As it turns out, we're probably going to need more food.
"Is this all you have?" I ask, looking out at the assortment.
He's pulled out a relatively small haul of oddly shaped fruit, some rather fresh looking vegetables, the bag of bread that I pretty much demolished last night, and, surprisingly, a couple boxes of cereal and an assortment of canned food. There's nothing cold, of course, because the fridge doesn't work.
"Well, yeah..." Sundo says awkwardly, looking between the food and me. "Do you think it's not going to be enough?"
"No— Well..." I have to pause and think about it. And I realise why my gut reaction is to not feel like this is enough food.
"How long do you think we'll be here?" I ask instead of answering him, and I watch as his eyes widen. It's a thought that doesn't seem to have occurred to him.
"I... I don't know. How long do you think the people who want to catch us will be around?"
The question strikes me, because it makes me consider seriously, for the first time, that we really are in hiding. People are looking for us. We're stuck.
I mean, yes, I could probably go back, but I'd face so many more questions than before, ones I'd have no idea how to answer. Just thinking about makes a wave of nausea roll over me, and I swallow.
Being here feels so weird. Surreal, maybe, because it's still hard to fully grasp. I can't just go back home. It's like I'm dropping everything for this, and it's hard to realise that I can't just go back and pick it all up again. My dad, Ying, Ethan... Everything... for Sundo. I can't believe I'm doing this.
"I don't..." There's a lump in the back of my throat that's hard to speak around. "I don't know how long they'll be here. Or how long we'll have to stay here."
Sundo looks down at the counter, at the food he's laid out for us. For one person, it'd be enough to last a while. But for the both of us? The amount of time we can hide out here has been cut in half.
Fidgeting with a discoloured, wrinkly looking apple, Sundo thinks pensively as he rolls it between his inky fingers.
"I could go get more." He says finally.
"What?"
I stand frozen on the other side of the island, looking at him. The idea just doesn't seem to click in my mind.
"I could go out and get more." Sundo repeats, raising his gaze to mine.
"No." I say immediately, still in shock. He raises those dark brows of his, and I'm going on before he can say anything else.
Pressing against the island, I say, "You can't go out. You can't. They're looking for you, Sundo, don't you get that? If they catch you, do you know what they're going to do to you? They're going to take you away, they're going to experiment on you! They're going to do awful things to you and if the goddamn government gets its hands on you, it's going to have a field day trying to weaponize you. I know you don't understand all that but you have to trust me. It's what they'll do!"
Listening to this, Sundo's face has drained of all color. Whatever he's imagining, it isn't pleasant at all. Good. I feel sick, I don't want him to have to imagine such things, but I also don't want him getting caught.
"You don't know they'll do that..." He says finally, softly. His eyes are still unfocused, and he doesn't sound sure, like he's trying to convince himself.
"I do know. Trust me, Sundo, please."
He grimaces, and his eyes focus on me again. "I do trust you." He says. "But..."
There it is. The "but".
Sundo drops his gaze to the apple in his hand.
"If we're going to really hide, we need more food, and there's no better time than now. I need you to trust me now, Joshua. I can get it." All at once he's looking at me, his gaze burning and intense, and I feel caught.
"They don't know how fast I can heal: they will be looking for you and a tattooed boy with a limp. They'll... As far as they know, I'm still wearing that hospital smock! I know where I can get what we need, where they won't spot me. Trust me." He implores.
Now it's me who's grimacing. I don't like this idea, I don't like it at all.
It must be written all over my face, because Sundo adds, "I know you don't like it, but when I was... watching you, did you ever notice?"
My brow creases further. "No..." I admit reluctantly.
Impossibly, this makes Sundo smile. "See? I can be sneaky. I can do this. Believe in me."
Setting the apple down, he reaches over the island to rest a hand atop mine, and I look away from those intense eyes. Scowling, I worry the inside of my cheek as I go over all the possible ways this could go wrong. I don't want him to do this. I don't like this. I want to argue that I should go instead, but I don't know where we are, I don't know where to even go from here to get food.
"Joshua..." Sundo says quietly, giving my hand a squeeze and breaking me out of my thoughts. Reluctantly, I look at him.
"Do you trust me?" He asks, and his eyes search mine, as if he can find the answer there.
My expression twists. "I..."
Do I?
"Yes... I do." I admit finally, shrinking a little bit, as though in defeat.
The smile I receive is so bright, it's blinding.
"Wonderful!" Sundo exclaims, and he leans in to give me a quick kiss on the cheek. "Don't worry!" He bubbles when he leans back, "I'll be fine."
I look away from him, almost unable to stand his gushy happiness. I know I probably look sour, but I can't help it. I'm not going to be able to relax about this until he comes back, safe and sound.
Because I can't lose him now, not to fucking Perkins.
* * *
All through our makeshift breakfast, Sundo is giddy, as though the prospect of being caught hardly even crosses his mind. The dishes and cutlery we use to eat are the oddest assortment of items... None of them seem to match the others, and he seems to have way more than what he alone would need. I can't figure out which are left over from the previous tenant of the house, and which he picked up on his own.
Now that I mention it, the objects in Sundo's possession are so eclectic and just... surprising. He has a set of oven mitts even though he doesn't have a working oven. He has a well-loved German Shepherd Beanie Baby named Sarge whom I found shoved halfway between a couch cushion and the back of the couch. He has a digital clock by his bed, even though that too doesn't work, and he has more books than I can literally count. And not a single one is like the other: he seems to read every genre of nonfiction, fiction, and year-old newspapers.
I'm still just getting used to the idea of him having a house, let alone stuff. And a lot of it.
When it's time for him to finally get ready to head out, I don't have anything to say. He wears the same outfit because the sleeves are long enough to hide the markings on his arms, and the collar can be pulled up as well. In addition, he finds himself some shoes and, surprisingly, a huge floppy sun hat.
"I got this from the same yard sale that I got the jacket from." He tells me proudly as he puts it on, and I can't help a little smirky smile that the sight pulls from me.
Though it looks a little silly, with its ratty faux pink flower on one side of the ribbon, he wears it well. Maybe it's the smile that makes it work.
"Oh! Wait." To my surprise, he stops himself, pulling the hat off. "I still feel so grimey! I need to shower before I go out..." Turning towards the door, he moves to rush out of the bedroom, only to stop again, looking back at me.
"Y-you know, you're kind of grimey too..."
I blink at him. "I am not." I reply, immediately indignant to the insult. "What are you implying?"
"Oh! W-well—" His cheeks are starting to turn a little green. "It's just that— I've seen it on tv, and, well, you know, there's... There's one shower, and if... i-if we both need to use it..? We could...?"
I stare at him for the longest time, not getting what he's trying to say, until suddenly I do.
"Oh my God." I don't know whether to find the suggestion hilarious or mortifying, but it doesn't stop the color from rising to my cheeks.
"Seth, no," I say, struggling to keep a straight face, to keep my voice level. "I'm sorry, but I'm not taking a shower with you."
Sundo looks like he wants to die, or to snatch his words back and shove them somewhere where they could never again see the light of day.
"O-okay. That's alright. I just wanted to ask." He chokes out quickly, his face visibly burning up. And then just as quickly he's rushing from the room, practically tripping over his feet to get away from me. I can hear his foot-falls head down the hall, all the way to the bathroom, where the door shuts with a quick burst of sound.
I'm left standing here, feeling both first- and second-hand embarrassment and I press my hands into my face. And suddenly I'm grinning, stupidly, shaking my head because wow, I can not believe he'd actually ask me that. A shower? Now?! It's so crazy, it's funny, and I know he's probably dying of embarrassment in the bathroom, and the idea only makes me grin wider.
I can still hardly wrap my head around any of this thing between us now— wrap my head around the idea of there being an us. It's just... surreal and outlandish and... I think I really do love him. This crazy alien of mine.
Sundo.