"when did this turn into a stokeley roast session?"
stokeley
why did i ask to come on this trip in the first place?
we've only been on the road for 45 minutes and so far, jahseh has already gotten into at least 3 accidents because he drives like he's playing gta, michael keeps singing very loudly and off key to every song that comes on the radio, omar fell asleep and he's snoring loud as fuck and drooling on himself, and gazzy keeps asking every 5 minutes if we're there yet.
i was honestly and truly the only normal person in this car, wasn't i?
"put your fucking blinker on next time or i'll come out here and do it for you, you wrinkly ass piece of white trash. if i see you anywhere in broward i swear to god, it won't be pretty, and you can tell your ugly ass grandkids if they want smoke they can get it too!" jahseh ranted at the neighboring vehicle, who had cut jahseh off in traffic and prompted him to go off as soon as it happened.
you'd think the guy ran purposely rammed into his fender or something with the way jahseh's carrying on.
"jahseh, calm your ass down. you probably gave that poor old man a heart attack," i cut him off.
that poor old white man in the pickup truck next to us looked as if he was about to have a heart attack as jahseh continued to yell obscenities and threats at him. eventually the road rage fight ended as jahseh speeded off.
there's a lot of pent up anger in his 5'6 frame, i'll tell you that much.
"jah, calm your lil ass down and just drive," i chastized him, "you can barely drive in the first place, and now you out here arguing with niggas instead of giving your full attention to the road."
"i'm trying to 'just drive' stoke, but these fucking dumbasses who dont know how to drive keep testing me, on god i might have to pull over and beat somebody ass," he continued to rant.
i rolled my eyes and fell back against my seat. there was no arguing with jahseh when he was cross like this, and i didn't want to bare the brunt of his wrath, so i decided to just let it go and shut my fat ass up.
i leaned against the car window, which was cool with the air of the AC that blasted throughout the car - which i was grateful for in the florida heat, especially in a car with five niggas. i decided that i was just going to attempt to take a nap, but i as soon as i shut my eyelids, i felt someone poking me in my side.
i whipped my head around, my eyes meeting gazzy's as he prepared to ask me yet another dumb ass question.
"stockly, are we there yet?" gazzy asked me in a childlike voice.
"my name aint stockly... and we aint even been driving for an hour, fuck you think?" i barked back at him, to which he responded with a shrug and a pout, jutting out his bottom lip at me.
"don't be rude stockly," i saw jahseh shaking his head, "all he did was ask a question, there's no need for all of that."
"dOnT bE rUdE???? don't be rude??? aint you the same nigga that just cussed out a poor old man and threatened to beat his ass in the middle of I-75? that nigga prolly got grandkids older than you and here you are threatening to end what little of a life he had left," i shot back at jahseh.
"yeah but he deserved it. he called me a nigger."
"no he didn't. he literally didn't. we were all there, he didn't," i huffed.
"he might not have called me one out loud but he called me one with his eyes, now stop being mean to gazzy."
"see jah, you always been my nigga," gazzy chimed in. "i always liked you better than stockly's fat ass."
jahseh cackled at gazzy's comment, as weak as it was. i caught a glimpse of his reflection in the front mirror, and i noticed his eyes crinkling up as he let out howls of laughter. i always loved his laugh and his smile. there was a time where he rarely did either, but now that he does, it was infectious to me and i couldn't get enough of it.
he was the cutest.
i snapped out of my haze and realized that i had just been insulted. "first of all, y'all some midgets. i can lose weight, y'all can't gain height. i bet when y'all go to amusement parks y'all have to wear shoes with thick ass soles just so y'all can get on rides."
"boo, that was lame," jahseh took a hand off of the wheel to give me a thumbs down. "you not even that much taller than us so i would shut my fat ass up if i were you."
"i can still beat both of y'all asses so i suggest y'all stop with these lil lame ass jokes," i grunted, obviously bluffing with my response. i would never put my hands on jahseh. gazzy on the other hand, though...
"what you gon do, belly flop on them?" michael joined in, causing the other two to laugh.
when did this turn into a stokeley roast session?
"michael i know your ugly ass ain't tryna flame somebody. you look like an albino camel with red cheetos growing out of your head, don't do me."
"in conclusion, hoes mad," jahseh continued to pile onto me, the three of them giggling and tee-heeing at me once again.
"you know what? y'all niggas some bullies," i grunted, turning around and looking out the window.
"aww stokeley pokeley, we were just playing with you. no need to be sad," jahseh continued to tease me.
i pouted, not responding to his teasing.
the fact that he called me stokeley pokeley made me feel better, though. it was his own special nickname he came up with me, that he'd always call me just to annoy me because i used to hate it, and he'd always follow it by poking me in my stomach. i've grown to love that nickname over the years, even though i'd never admit that.
"okay, now are we there yet?" gazzy changed the subject.
"you know what? why don't you just read the signs or something instead of asking every five minutes," i pointed out of the windshield to demonstrate my point, "you know the signs tell you how far away we are from a place and what city we're in right?"
"bold of you to assume i can read," gazzy responded.
i didn't even have a reply for that, because i wasn't in the least bit shocked. i just sighed and pulled out my phone, while jahseh gently told him that we weren't there yet.
the car went quiet, well, as quiet as it could get between michael's singing and omar's snoring, for a few minutes after that, and i attempted once more to get some sleep. i was really fucking tired, i didn't get a wink of sleep last night.
in my feelings by drake came on the radio, causing michael to turn the volume up to the highest setting.
"ooh, jah can we do the in my feelings challenge?" he asked with excitement in his voice.
"finally, a good idea in here," i replied, snapping my eyes back open with a grin on my face, "let us do it jah."
"no, no, no, no, no, no." jahseh changed the station with a quickness, his voice tired. "we aint about to do that bullshit in my car. fuck that challenge and fuck drake. "kEkE do YoU lOvE mE" faceass. you should be asking your son if he loves you."
"damn jah, what did drake do to you?" i asked with a chuckle.
"be fucking annoying," he shook his head. "let me get the aux cord and plug up my phone, imma play some actual music in this bitch."
jahseh plugged his phone up to the aux cord, taking his hands off the wheel and his eyes off the road for a few seconds while he went to reach for his phone and plug it in.
this nigga, i swear. if you see a news report that says "5 young adults killed in tragic accident", just know it was jahseh's fault.
as soon as he hooked his phone up, despacito began to play through the speakers.
"this is so sad. jahseh, play despacito." he mumbled under his breath.
"ha ha jah, very funny," i deadpanned, my face completely emotionless, "i hope you know nobody laughed but you."
"that's cool, i hope you know i didn't ask," he shot back, "you been getting real bold like i won't fold your fat ass up and put you in the trunk"
"choke," was all i responded with before leaning my head back against the window.
"ooh, you'll choke me? i like that shit." he cooed teasingly. "how did you know i was a masochist?"
"a what? be quiet before i choke your ass for real," i said sleepily, my voice growing raspier as my sleepiness overtook me.
i didn't have a problem with jahseh making sexual jokes towards me because that's all they were: jokes. he knew i was straight so he never tried to make a move. he did call me sexy once, but he was drunk off his ass to the point he woke up in the bathtub with cereal in the tub with him.
§§§§
after we drove for a while we stopped at a gas station to fill the tank and get more snacks. i don't know how long i'd been napping for, but i knew it was a while, because the sun was beginning to set. jahseh asked michael if he could drive until we reached our hotel because he was getting tired, which i was grateful for because he was the most reckless driver i've ever been in a car with.
i stayed in the car alone while michael and jahseh switched, gazzy went to piss, and omar went to get snacks.
when everybody came back, jahseh started to pump the gas into the car, and snacks got passed around the car as everyone took what they asked for. i tried to save the majority of the snacks for myself because i was hungry, but all that ended with was more fat jokes being thrown my way.
"damn stoke, why you boonk ganging all the snacks for, relax," omar snatched the bag away from me once he realized what i was doing, pulling out every bag of candy, chips, and cookies i could find and stashing them.
"because i'm fucking hungry?" i responded, "i didn't eat at all today, let me live."
"when are you not," he mumbled, like he isn't a vending machine built bitch himself.
it was one thing when niggas like gazzy and jahseh called me fat, but when a rectangular built bitch like omar said it, i had to snap. "what's that supposed to mean? you built like an obese pug and you got the nerve to come for my weight like we not built alike."
i couldn't even finish my rant, because i was caught off guard by the sound of someone whistling outside, presumably at jahseh, who was bent over as he pumped his gas, his round ass on display as he did so. no wonder niggas were whistling at him
i'm not gay or anything, but jahseh really did have a nice ass. it was the kind of ass that you wouldn't expect a man to have, so the reaction he got was perfectly normal. he got harassed a lot though for it, even by presumably "straight" guys who thought he was a female from behind.
i kinda wished he was bent over towards my direction, i knew it was looking good in those basketball shorts he decided to wear.
why am i having so many gay thoughts today? am i just tired? yeah, i think i'm just tired.
the reason why i barely got sleep last night was because after omar got back from "fixing gazzy's tv or whatever," he stayed up all fucking night having phone sex with some bitch, and trust me, the words "omar' and "phone sex" shouldn't be in the same sentence under any circumstances. no wonder i had no appetite earlier, i was still recoiling from the image of a dog engaging in sexual activities.
so yeah, i was just tired. that's all. i needed a nap, and all these weird ass thoughts would go away asap.
right?