You should have done it.
You wouldn't have to face this.
You should have done it.
You wouldn't have this problem.
You should have done it.
YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE IT!
My back was starting to hurt, which was really bad. About the only time I sat up straight was when I played piano, but I haven't played in a while. I wanted to arch my back and slouch a little, but I needed to keep my composure. Soon enough, every part of my body felt numb, and that was because of my anger.
"You were looking through my iPod?" I asked my parents. For once, my voice was steady. I was able to talk to my parents in complete sentences and not a stutter in my words. For once in my life, I felt like Liz or my dad couldn't bring me down.
"Lucas," Liz said with a shake of her head, "that's not the point—"
"If I remember correctly, you always scolded me for even touching your iPhones. You said, and I quote, 'Our phones are our privacy. You don't look through mine, and I don't look through yours.' Does this not apply to me anymore?"
"You shouldn't be angr—"
"You invaded my privacy. I have every right to be angry."
"Don't interrupt me while I speak, Lucas," Liz spat. I didn't react at all—Liz's words went through my like they were just a small breeze.
"Have you ever thought about committing suicide, Lucas?" she asked again, her caring façade coming over her. I didn't like this about Liz. She was angry at me one second, and she pretended like nothing happened the next.
I took a deep breath. "Yes," I replied firmly. Not only had I thought about it, but I've attempted. Not only have I attempted, but I've attempted twice.
"Why?" she asked me.
"I saw no point in living."
"But, Lucas, you have every reason to live!" Liz cried. "You have a family—" I do not. The only person I would come close to considering family is Calum. "—you go to a really good school—" Did I ever mention that I was failing my math class? "—you have friends at school—" Just because I hang out with only two kids doesn't mean they're my friends. "—you have a really good life—" I'm very well aware that my life is more fortunate than those of others. I'm ungrateful, which is yet another reason why I should be removed from this earth. "—and, Lucas, you have us. Your parents. You know we're here for you every step of the way, right?"
If I'm completely honest, Liz, I don't feel like you are.
Liz let out an exasperated sigh, and I gathered up the courage to look at her face. She was crying.
"Well?" she asked desperately, tears streaming down her face. "Say something, Lucas."
My composure remained as I breathed in her every word. "I have nothing to say."
Liz sighed. She ran her hands through her long blonde hair, and I noticed my dad put my iPod down. Well, it took him long enough.
"Another thing, Lucas," Liz said. I restrained myself from rolling my eyes, because honestly, I wanted to go back to my room. Liz also hated when I rolled my eyes at something she said, or anyone else said for that matter—she saw it as a sign of disrespect.
"Who's the kid you're talking to? I've never heard you mention him from school."
Shit. Calum.
"I mean," Liz continued, "you talk about Michael from time to time. You're also friends with that boyfriend of his, right? How come I've never heard of this one kid? He sent you a message..." She turned to my dad. "Hun, give me the iPod, please?" She turned back to me. "Yeah, I have his message right here. 'goodnight, babycakes xx'. 'Babycakes'? Lucas, is this kid your boyfriend? Are you gay? I mean, it's completely fine if you're gay, but I'd think you'd talk to me or your father before you get a boyfriend, Lucas."
I groaned slightly out of discomfort. "No, Mom," I said with a slight sigh. If I was completely honest, it physically hurt to call Liz my mom. "He's not my boyfriend. I'm not gay, either."
"Well, you'd think hanging around Michael and his boyfriend so much would rub off—"
"You can't influence gay, Mom."
Liz shrugged. "You can influence gay just as much as we've been influenced our entire lives that a man marrying a woman is the only acceptable kind of love."
My lips pursed together. She was wrong about that, but I wasn't going to correct her now.
"But, who is this kid, Lucas? And why does he call you 'Babycakes'?"
"It's a simple term of affection," I said calmly.
"Yeah, it's a term of affection," Liz sassed, "a term of affection used in cases like your father and I."
"He's my friend, it's totally fine."
"Where'd you meet him?" she asked me. "Is he from school?"
I gulped. All of my life, I've been lying to everyone. One more little lie won't hurt, right? Of course, this was already breaking me. My parents already found out about me being suicidal. I didn't need them knowing about Calum, either. Not that I had to hide Calum, because he was my best friend, but I had a feeling that my mom wouldn't approve. Hell, she doesn't even like Michael, and Michael's one of the nicest people you'll ever meet.
"No," I whispered. My strong expression was starting to fade, and I believe my parents knew that, too.
"You met him online?!" Liz shrieked.
"It's fine—"
"No, it's not fine, Lucas! He could be some—some old, sick man trying to get to you! People in this world are sick, Lucas, and I will not stand for you being some social predator's prey."
"He's not a social predator!" I cried. "He's a kid, my age. He goes to high school, just like I do! Or, went, because our school systems are different, but that's beside the point. He's just a kid; it's all the same. He's my friend!"
Liz huffed. At this point, she was no longer sitting on the couch. She was pacing back and forth, her hands on her hips, occasionally brushing her fingers through her hair.
"What's his name?" Liz asked me.
"Calum."
"How old is he?"
"Seventeen."
"That's exactly your age, Lucas."
"I know."
"He could be a predator trying to get to you! He's telling you that he's the same age as you just to reel you in!"
"He's not a predator," I said again. Calum Thomas Hood was not a predator. I was sure of it. I may have been failing my math class until now, but I wasn't entirely stupid. I know how to keep myself safe.
"Where'd you meet him?"
"Instagram."
"Where's he from?" Liz asked.
I let out a sigh. "Australia."
Liz pursed her lips. "Even if he wasn't a predator—"
"He's not," I said with a low growl.
"Interrupting, Lucas," Liz snapped.
"Even if he wasn't a predator, and let's say that for now he isn't, you wouldn't be able to be friends, Lucas. He lives in Australia. Where do we live, Lucas?"
I rolled my eyes, not caring if Liz smacked me for it. "America," I said monotonously.
"Exactly," Liz breathed. "We live in America, and 'Calum'—if that's even his real name—lives in Australia. You can't be friends with a large amount of ocean between you."
"That doesn't matter," I mumbled.
"I'm scared for you, Lucas. The fact that you've thought about killing yourself scares me. It...it sends Goosebumps all over my body. I get shivers. Just the fact that my son has thought of these things...it haunts me, Lucas."
To be honest, Liz, I doubt you even care.
"You're going to sleep in our room from now on," Liz declared.
My eyes widened. "I'm sorry, what?! I'm not a little kid—"
"Your electronic devices are going to be in our room at night. You will not be allowed to go into your bedroom anymore. From now on, your bedroom is off limits, and you have to do your homework in the living room. You will also be attending therapy sessions—I'll send you to a mental hospital if I have to. All your social media will be deleted—"
I scoffed loudly. "This isn't fair!"
"—and I forbid you from talking to that boy ever again."
I was already angry, but this snapped me in two.
"No," I snarled. "Make me sleep in your room like a little baby. Buy me a crib, for all I care. I don't care if I lose my bedroom—I can put all my instruments there. Make me do my homework on the kitchen table. But no, there is no way that I will take therapy sessions. There is no way that I'm deleting my social media—do you know how hard I've been working on a story to post on Wattpad? And there is no way that I'll stop talking to Calum. He's my best friend, and you can't stop be from talking to my best friend."
Liz was mad, too. I could tell.
"You're going to take therapy sessions, Lucas."
I feigned a pout. "Aw," I said with mock sadness. "How would it be for your reputation? Poor, poor Liz Hemmings. Her son is mentally disabled, a reject. Oh, yes Liz Hemmings, how terrible for you!" By this point, I was towering over her and screaming. I was a bit happy, too, in a psychotic way—I could see the fear in Liz's eyes.
"You're going to delete all of your social media, Lucas."
I guffawed. "Ha! Like that's going to happen."
Liz smacked my upside the head for the comment, but I didn't feel the sting. I was too blinded by my anger to feel pain.
"You will delete your Instagram, your Facebook, your Twitter, your Kik, your Tumblr, and your Wattpad. All of it."
I shook my head. "I can't delete my Wattpad. The arts—it's what I want to do in life." If I live anymore to have one. "Wattpad—and Tumblr, too, for that matter—brings out my creative side. Don't you want to see me happy?"
I had her tongue-tied. I knew that for a fact.
"Fine," Liz growled. "You can keep Wattpad and Tumblr. But everything else, I want gone!"
I looked at Liz, trying to exaggerate my eyes and make it seem like I was pouting. "Can I keep my Instagram, too?" I asked softly.
"NO!" Liz yelled. "Definitely not your Instagram! I forbid you to talk to that Calum boy, Lucas, and if deleting your Instagram means losing contact with him, then you will delete it."
Liz put my iPod in my hands, and shoved me towards the table. "Delete them. Now. And not just the apps, Lucas. I want the accounts deleted."
I whimpered slightly, unlocking my iPod. I went through each app, deleted accounts. I managed to save Tumblr and Wattpad, and boy was I happy for that. After deleting everything, I finally made my way towards Instagram. Instagram was where I met Calum. I didn't want to delete it. I had to. That's where Calum and I talked all the time. I wanted to cry. It was such a petty thing to cry over, but I was losing my best friend.
Soon enough, I brought myself to delete merrickmania.
Goodbye, Calum.
Liz let out a deep sigh, and I locked my iPod. She ran her hands through her hair, and I sat there awkwardly.
"Tonight is the last night you'll sleep in your bedroom, Lucas. We'll move you into our room tomorrow."
I nodded, taking my iPod with me to my room. I didn't kiss my dad and Liz goodnight, as they always forced me to. I went straight to my room.
"Oh, and Lucas?" Liz called. I turned around, letting her know she had my attention.
"We're going to get you a tutor for calculus. You're lucky you got a D in that class, Lucas. I'm not so happy with your report card."
I walked back to my room, putting my iPod to charge. Terrible Things by Mayday Parade was softly playing on the dock, and I let out a muffled, frustrated scream.
"You know what else a terrible thing is?" I asked no one in particular.
I face planted on the bed. I didn't bother to throw the blanket over my body. I lied on my stomach with my head turned sideways. I let the tears fall freely. I hated Liz. I hated her for taking away my best friend. I hated that I had to go through this mess. I hated that I was alive.
"My life," I answered, and I cried myself to sleep.