The sound of the bustling school crowd is nothing but mere noise the next morning. It doesn't take long me to start noticing the whispering and the point rippling off of people in thin yellow waves as the rumors burn like wildfire. I am Gwen Degray, I am now the subject of gossip and glares. I can tell who knows and who doesn't by the way people look up at me when I approach. There are few people who don't.
My overall mood was something close to okay. There was one point in the morning where I felt like crying again but then Rosie was up and texting me and it was okay. She was currently the only thing keeping me somewhat presentable, the satin, rose scented bow around my hacked-up bouquet of flowers. Our table is its normal level of Johnny-driven chaos, and I'm picking quietly at a tuna salad with Rosalie glancing at me out of concern, then he walks up.
The table goes silent as Gordon stands a few feet away, hesitating, staring at the remaining five of us, nothing but a question in his eyes. It wasn't even a question, it was a beg for permission. My brow crinkled and I shot him a dark, angry look, seconds away from snarling at him like a lioness. Gordon's face fell, and he slowly turned and shuffled away pathetically. I'm then met with three wide staring eyes.
"Dang, Gwen." Chase remarks and pats my shoulder gently. "You really hate him now?"
I realize I'm clutching my utensil with a death grip and release the fork slowly. "Yeah, something like that."
"What happened?" Johnny glanced around like a lost puppy.
Ramon punched his arm, and he put his hands up in surrender. "I honestly don't know!"
"Its fine," I said, swallowing my burning coal of shame. "Gordon cheated on me."
Johnny's eyes widened. "Oh, you found out about that?"
We all simultaneously turned to stare at him. Chase actually took her arm off from around his shoulder to stare at him with her fiery eyes. Johnny, like a cornered rat, seemed to realize his mistake.
"You... knew?" Chase raised an eyebrow.
"Uh, kind of? Gordon didn't mean to tell me he actually.... It was one night we were hanging out a few months ago and he just... broke down, all gross and everything." He shifted uncomfortably. "He ended up telling me."
My heart strings rotted and I felt the organ drop out of chest and fall to the group with a splat. It wasn't entirely news but every time I was reminded of how long this had been going on I wanted to scream. Chase's frowned deepened and even Ramon, who was loyal to Johnny above anything else, looked disgusted.
"It didn't faze you to tell Gwen any of this?" Ramon accused.
Johnny shrugged. "Not really? It's just a guy thing."
"A guy thing?" Chase scoffed. "Are you seeing other girls behind my back?"
"Of course not, babe." Johnny tried to reach out for her face but she swatted his hands away.
"What Gordon did was trashy and irresponsible and you shouldn't condone it as his friend." Chase snapped.
"I just meant... if his girl is holding out... it's normal if a guy wants a little something on the side." He raised his hands.
"No?" Ramon looked so confused. "Have you ever heard of something called respect?"
Johnny shrugged, brushing back his slick black hair like he was unbothered by his unfiltered word vomit. Chase shook her head in disbelief and bopped him on the back of his head. Ramon was still deeply malcontented and wasn't following Johnny's laid-back demeanor about this at all.
"How many?" I asked, my voice quivering.
Johnny glanced over at me, confused and almost scared. "What?"
"How many girls?" I repeated and stood up in my seat.
Johnny seemed to shrink a few sizes. "S-seven."
The hands of utter despair curled around my neck and I swallowed dryly. Johnny sensed the sudden dry and dangerous air between this group of friends and did what he always did, slid off the table and walked away. Nobody knew where he was going but everybody knew he would never stay when things got tough. I sat down and pushed what I was eating away, I couldn't consume anything when I could barely swallow my tears. Rosie leaned forward and rested her head on my shoulder, Chase patted my back. Ramon fidgeted nervously like he wanted to say something.
"I uh... I'm sorry." He was strangely quiet now that Johnny had left.
"It's not your fault." I sniffed.
Seven.
"It could have been. I didn't know but... I could have and I could have... I didn't know, warned you earlier?" His eyebrows creased together and his forehead crinkled up like wax paper. "I honestly didn't know."
"It's okay, Ramon." I tried to insist even though it always came out weakly.
Hearing out of place sentiment was common with Ramon Sterling, he was the kind of guy who wanted to make sure you were alright. The kind of guy who walked you home at night. He was the crunch of leaves in the fall, here-borrow-my-jacket, pressing your ear against an animal's chest to hear its breath kind of guy. I had never head him to me in a way that was a shade darker than cherries before, with real, deeply rooted sentiment and regret. It was startling.
"Maybe I should have said something." He glanced down at his hands. "Sometimes the way Gordon acted was... concerning... but Johnny always insisted he was okay."
"You shouldn't always listen to Johnny." Chase comforted him. "He puts out that confident front but he's honestly kind of dumb. Boys are dumb."
"Amen." Ramon added, glancing up at us sheepishly.
I smiled slightly to myself but the happiness was short lived. I tried to focus on anything else that was happening right now. Rosie was quietly looking at me out of the corner of her eye, I pretended I didn't notice but it was something to lean against. Chase was wearing dark blue lipstick today, she looked dangerous and neon, like she always did, effortlessly breaking the school's dress code. I had my friends, who weren't going to leave me or trade me for someone else behind my back.
Seven.
I couldn't feel the tears streaming down my face as I walked home that day. The wind was cold and numbed my face. It was whatever. I wanted to be as cold-hearted as the wind. More importantly I waned nothing more then to forget I had ever met Gordon. I wanted to forget how many times I had called him up in the middle of the night crying over stupid things and the amount of times I had seen him, standing there stone faced and asked him what was wrong, only for him to say something dumb like "nothing." I guess you didn't need to be open with your soulmate if you're talking to seven other girls. I wonder if he ever complained to them when I was annoying. I wonder if he ever held them and comforted them. The thought of it made me sick.
My phone buzzed, and I dug it out of my pocket only to see I was getting a call. It was from Gordon. My heart dropped into my stomach and I declined it immediately. It must have been an accident, why would he want to talk to me when he's got sev-It popped up again. A hot flash of anger filled me and I answered.
"Screw off." I hissed. "I hate you!"
"Please." His voice quivered. "Please Gwen, the first one was an accident."
I laughed, it was bitter. "Go to hell Gordon."
The line was quiet for a few seconds then he hung up on me. I stood there, shaking with anger. I wanted to throw my phone into the air and watch it crack against the concrete. I wanted it to suffer. I wanted Gordon to suffer. I hated how he could just brush it off like it didn't bother him. Nothing ever bothered him. Not even me.
"Gwen?"
I whipped around, drying my face to see Rosie standing there, she probably caught up with me to walk me home. She looked almost scared. I didn't blame her. I felt scary.
"I still love him." I forced out. "What's wrong with me Rosie?"
Her eyes widened, and she walked forward slowly. She hugged me and we stood there for a bit, just by the street, with cars whizzing by. My own chaos in the midst of the world's.
"He's your soulmate," she said gently, "of course, you still love him."
"I don't want to be in love with him anymore," I sobbed. "I want to say I hate him and I want to mean it."
It was like she couldn't even fathom what to say to that. I wouldn't know what to say either. We were just kids, we weren't supposed to have problems like this. We were supposed to be worried about homework and getting into a good school. I wasn't supposed to be crying over being stuck in and endless love and hate relationship with someone who obviously didn't love me back.
Seven.