"Hey, baby." Taehyung's hand finds its way to rest on her back, pulling her closer and closing the gap between them in an instant as he locks lips with her for a good fifteen seconds before pulling back.
Looking dazed, flushed and captivated by the man in front of her, the brunette speaks for the first time and flashes a smile that's only meant for him, "I missed you."
Your fingers almost slips from its hold on the mug containing the steaming tea and you immediately place it back down before it could fall on the floor because of your trembling body. You attempt to comprehend and decipher what is going on in front of your eyes.
Taehyung kissed a girl who you've never seen before and is talking to her right now as they head to the couch to put her luggage down. Could she be his—
"Y/N."
Your thoughts are startled by his voice suddenly articulating your name and you see the two of them standing in front of you. They're hand in hand, looking entranced and inseparable as she mirrors his happiness which makes her glow—it highlights her modelesque features from her hazel eyes, the freckles that surrounded her face to the way she displayed grace and confidence with her body.
"This is my girlfriend, Lily," Taehyung announces, looking at you then back at her. "Meet Y/N, she's my coursemate."
Girlfriend. Were you hearing this right? Taehyung has a girlfriend? Were you misinformed? Did you miss something important last night or the days before that because why didn't you know about this?
"Hi, it's lovely to meet you," Lily extends her hand with a pleasant smile and you shake it lightly.
"Same here," you manage to say with a cordial smile before pulling back and looking at Taehyung, cocking your head. "I didn't know you had a girlfriend?"
"Yeah, Lily here," he begins, simultaneously looking at her with a proud beam before meeting your eyes, "goes to NYU so we're in a long distance." Taehyung winces in confusion, flabbergasted at your reaction because he thinks you know about them or must have at least heard that he has a girlfriend.
It's like you've been knocked out with a powerful jab at the sides of your face that had everything inside you shaking. It's like a button had been switched and there you were, piecing the parts of the puzzle and connecting the dots right from the beginning. You think about why Taehyung was always evasive and private, about why he always seemed to be on his phone.
The first thing you recount is that time when you and Jimin kissed for the first time as a faux couple because Taehyung was about to walk past. He was immersed, you thought, in his phone because there was a high probability that he was texting his girlfriend then. Or that time when you all went clubbing and he sought for a corner to use his phone.
Now it made sense that the person he was probably talking to then was his girlfriend. Right now, you think of yourself as the biggest moron because when you heard him talking in the music room, it wasn't you who he's talking about, it was Lily. He requested the person over the line to look out for her because he wasn't physically there since they are in a long distance and now that you evaluate everything, it did sound offbeat for him to say that and yet you still let yourself be deluded with the fact that he was talking about you.
Hearing footsteps on the stairs, Jimin appeared, humming as the first thing he sees is you, breaking into a smile while greeting, "Good morning, babe."
Seeing him leads you to think about whether he has knowledge about all of this. Taehyung—confusion written all over his face—glances and almost glares at Jimin with brows meeting in the middle, "Did you not tell Y/N about me and Lily?"
That's your answer.
Jimin darts his gaze at you, Taehyung and Lily as his realization takes into place upon seeing your befuddled, bewildered and hurt expression and the smile on his face evaporates. You were, at this point, shaking with anger and pain—anger because you just looked like a fool in front of the two people and pain because he lied. You push past the way to head outside; you needed to walk away from the house and away from Jimin.
"Wait," he calls and runs to catch you, "Y/N, listen to me."
Resentment dethrones every emotion you're feeling right now which made you turn around, deciding to go for confrontation rather than leaving without obtaining answers to the questions that swam inside your head. You piped up, "You knew all along and you didn't tell me. I asked you before and you lied—why would you fucking do that?"
Jimin, with a contrite tone, looks at you, trying to convince you through his eyes that carried regret and guilt, "I'm sorry."
"Why didn't you tell me?" You pose the question once again, feeling already exhausted and hollow inside. "I wouldn't have let myself into this in the first place."
"That's the thing," he counters, as if he's battling an internal warfare, feeling frustrated, guilty and wretched all at the same time. With a pitiful tone, he states, "You wouldn't let yourself in if I told you."
You don't know what meaning he's trying to convey, making you feel even more idiotic that you run your fingers through your hair as you take a mighty breath to let him explain further, "What the fuck are you talking about?"
"I didn't tell you so you could notice me," is all his response.
That's selfish, you instinctively thought, and by this time, you couldn't stop from thinking aloud, "Oh, so this is all part of your plan to make me one of your girls? So I would cave in to you?"
Closing your eyes, you bite your lip down and heave a sigh, wanting to congratulate him because if it is true, then he's succeeded. You did give in to him, the bruise on your neck a reminder that his plan worked out for him. It's supposed to be a good kind of reminder that would prompt you to remember that he'd given himself to you, that you both shared an intimate moment with you loving every second of it because every component of your mind, heart and soul had fallen for him even when you knew that he wasn't thinking of you. The bruise would just be a poignant cue from now on that told you he'd never give his heart to you.
Jimin raises his voice, arguing, "No!" Eyeing you with his head tilted slightly, he questions directly, hurt visible on his face, "Is that how you really think of me?"
Avoiding his eyes for a brief moment to look sideways, you feel even worse with what you had just said. You swallow hardly, gritting your teeth and clenching your jaw to stop your eyes from watering. It was futile though because your tears had already built around the corners of your eyes, "Why else would you do this?"
"Taehyung has a girlfriend," you emphasize as if he already didn't know that. "You made me think that I had a chance with him. I thought—I thought that by doing this, he could realize his feelings for me." His feelings that turned out to be non-existent after all.
Wiping your cheeks using your palm rapidly, you try to breathe steadily and calmly but it just becomes more ragged as you sniff. "You made me look like an idiot in front of them," you tell him, shaking your head as the vivid and fresh memory of what just happened before you walked out retains in your head.
Jimin finally speaks, "I did it so you can go out with me. I wanted you to see that I like you."
Shutting your eyes close, you don't know what to feel anymore. Hearing him say that feels like goodbye, it feels like a sour and bitter taste had started to mingle and decided to congregate in your tongue when it shouldn't feel like that. He likes you too but he hurt you by lying—why can it be just the first sentence without the 'but' afterwards?
"I've fallen for you and it fucking ripped my heart out when I saw the way you looked at Taehyung last night during the game after he said your name."
You see Jimin's fist curled up in a ball, his brows are down as he communicates his feelings and you see a man in so much agony, you see a man whose pain mirrored yours. "If I told you that Taehyung had a girlfriend, would you have even noticed me?"
You were still processing everything he was saying that you couldn't answer his question immediately. With the silence you gave Jimin, he looks away in defeat, convinced that that was your answer. Once you've collected and gathered your thoughts, you tell him what's on your mind. "If you told me, I would've moved on knowing that someone is making him happy even if that wasn't me. I would've taken my time to heal until I could find it in me to love again, until I could find that person who would make me feel again. And you know what?" You snuffle as you wipe your wet cheeks and your runny nose, nodding slightly. "Maybe I would have noticed you. Maybe I would have given you a chance."
"I," you start, shaking your head, unsure how to continue as your lips shudder because you're about to say the one thing you're petrified of voicing out in the open because it means it's going to happen, you just didn't expect that it'd be so soon. "We need to end this."
There is no purpose in continuing. How could there be when you two are just involved in this pointless act? The guy you thought who could be jealous of you and Jimin already had a girlfriend and the guy who owns your heart right now that's standing in front of you had lied to you and caused you this pain.
Jimin doesn't need to pretend anymore—he could be free and he doesn't have to do all these things for you, he doesn't have to put up a front where it looks like he's enthralled by you, where it looks like he's happy with this relationship when it isn't even legitimate.
He steps closer and bravely holds your wrist, sliding down to hold your hands and it stabs your heart seeing him, "Y/N, please." When you let go from his hold and turn away, his tone is desperate and even more heart-wrenching that stops you from advancing forward. "Tell me you didn't feel anything for me. Tell me you didn't feel all the explosions and sparks in your stomach whenever we kissed."
You always knew that his words have such a prominent control over you because the moment you closed your eyes, a new set of tears started falling as if they're determined not to stop this time.
"Tell me that the sex didn't mean anything because it meant everything to me. Tell me all of this meant nothing."
What he's asking for is too much—it's something that you'll never be able to do because you did feel a multitude of things for Jimin. You want to say that with his lips against yours, it isn't just explosions and sparks that you felt—it's multi-colored fireworks, it was like having a garden full of lights inside you that only illuminated brightly whenever his presence was around.
If you tell him that you felt nothing and that to you, everything meant nothing, he'll walk away and that would crush you, reduce you into a broken and fragmented being. Whether he walks away or he stays, it would still mercilessly crumble you so where do you stand?
You turn around to face him once more, your cheeks wet, eyes sore and heavy, voice rising, "Jimin, all of this meant something to me because I was falling for you." There it is, out in the open, spoken into the air for the whole universe to hear. You didn't want to have to say your feelings for him like this when everything has blown up into a whole cluster of mess. You confess while tearing up at the same time, "I was falling for you that I wasn't even thinking of him while we fucked."
"Then please," Jimin's voice breaks as the first please that it almost becomes a whisper. Hearing and seeing him go through the pain made you place your hand over your mouth while letting the tears leak down. "Stay."
"I need to go home."
This whole thing is just pretend, it's all a lie, an act, a stunt and yet even with this ending and this breakup, it feels like the real thing and you're not sure how you're going to get over someone who's never been yours.
Perhaps the reason why it hurts so much is because you and Jimin were falling for each other even when you just have to act. Though you both had established the fact that everything is staged and forged, in Taehyung's eyes, your relationship with Jimin was authentic. Through the perspective of your friends and everyone around you, it is real. But now, you've been wounded badly. You ended up being hurt because of this whole arrangement.
A cheery voice makes you turn around and you see Jungkook in a grey hoodie and sweatpants waving at you, smiling as he jogs to get closer. Usually, when he greets, you'll also mirror his smile and respond with a hello, waving back. But at this situation, even if you want to reply to Jungkook because you didn't want to be rude, every muscle in your body felt down and tired that you're unable to even move. The beam on his face fades as soon as he sees you looking sullen and dismayed in tears before observing Jimin's face.
You came here with Jimin, he'd driven you both here with his car. Yes, you do have a license and you do know how to drive but it didn't matter because it's not like you could just take the other guys' cars when it didn't belong to you so you asked Jungkook, "Can you take me home please?"
The whole journey was silent and deafening, only the hammer banging your heart into pieces resonated profoundly in your ears. Everything is a tangled knot and you blamed yourself for everything as you tried to wipe your cheeks and prevented yourself from bawling your eyes out in Jungkook's car, feeling ashamed that all you seemed to do was cry.
You remembered having heavy lids while he drove smoothly and carefully, looking at you with concerned eyes whenever he stopped at the red light. Sensing immediately that you were worn out, he told you that you should sleep, told you that if you wanted, you could adjust the seat and recline it so then you could feel more comfortable.
Quickly before the red light disappeared, he grabbed his pillow on the backseat and you smiled weakly at him, almost invisible, when he handed it over to you. As you dozed off, you wished that when you wake up, everything that had happened turned out to be unreal, that it turned out to be a figment of your imagination.
You wished that when you wake up, there'd be no pain that crept inside you, suffocating you, tearing your heart and crushing your soul until what's left were ruins. But you knew that the moment you'd wake up from your sleep, everything will come in full-force and knock you out as if it was a tsunami that was ready to engulf you, slapping your face with the fact that what just happened back at the lake house was indeed irrevocable and irreversible.
Maybe this was why you needed and wanted to sleep—so that for a moment, you could forget about everything, so that for a bit, you could achieve peace. You heard your name the first time and you thought you were still in a state of dream.
Jungkook's voice said it again and your eyes fluttered open, head rising up with creased eyebrows, trying to get your bearings and realizing that you were still on the passenger seat of his car, still holding his pillow. "We're here."
Breathing slowly, you nodded. "Thank you—I owe you bigtime," you expressed before opening the door and going straight to your flat.
You've had the chance to sleep and yet you still felt tired and devoid of positive feelings, like the air had been sucked out from your lungs and all that's been placed were these small aches and these throbbing sensations whenever you inhaled and exhaled. You found your feet taking you lethargically to your bedroom but instead of collapsing on your bed, you sat on the floor, your back was leaning on the side of it, feeling the portion of soft mattress that hanged down. Shedding tears then and there was what you expected to happen considering you were alone but nothing came out.
You just stared into space, wanting to feel numb, in a state of senselessness and inertia. Wondering whether you'd lost the ability to produce tears, you questioned yourself if this was a good attitude that you were displaying, if it was right that you weren't crying anymore. Swallowing deeply, a figure sat beside you.
It was Jungkook who scanned your blank expression with his uneasy and upset eyes and lips. It was his words that knew you weren't okay, his words that sensed your need to weep as a form of catharsis even though you were telling yourself then that it was right not to cry.
"It's okay, just let it out," said Jungkook, nodding once at you for reassurance, as if also telling you that crying isn't a sign of weakness, in fact, shedding tears is natural—it's what made everyone human. He told you that crying made you brave, that it doesn't equate to you being a weak person, explained that you shouldn't constrain yourself from crying because when the pain is too much, it is more than okay to just let the tears fall. That was when every string inside you had succumbed and surrendered to the pain, fully breaking and snapping.
Jungkook pulled you to an embrace and on his chest was where you wept. You followed what he said and tried to condense and collect every bit of pain and anger, every emotion that you felt and let it escape so it could be free, so it won't be in the cages of your heart anymore after harbouring them.
You wake up the next day in your own bed with your blanket over your body, keeping you warm and secure. You recount falling asleep on his shoulder after you've cried every tear produced by your body and he must have carried your tired body and let you rest on your own bed, tucking you in. But you also accurately remember him sniffing and rubbing his nose when you were in tears that it made you look up at him, the white in his eyes getting red as his blinking increased. A sudden moment of bemusement hit you because why would Jungkook cry?
You wondered what kind of pain was hurting his heart, what kind of pain was upon him that he felt like it was too much for him. You never asked, though. Instead, you just helped by wiping the tears that were stuck on the corners of his eyes, ready to stream down to the apples of his cheeks and similar to what he did to comfort you, you ran your hand on his back, rubbing it gently, hoping that little comforting gesture would aid in easing the pain even if you can't take it all away.
The two of you were silent, Jungkook didn't say a word nor did he try to inquire about what happened when he saw you and Jimin together yesterday because he gathered that you didn't want to talk about it. It was true—you couldn't bear to utter a single syllable because talking about it would hurt more, recalling everything would feel like someone is dousing acid on your wound. You simply wanted to release the pain during that moment, with crying as a form of your catharsis.
Jungkook respected that and he did what he thought was the right thing to do—to be there for you, to be the shoulder you could lean on, to be the person you could cry to when the pain consumed and devoured you that made it feel like it was unbearable and tormenting.
/
You think that these five days passed slowly that it felt like it's been a month. Or maybe it whizzed by really quickly for some people and that it was just you being torpid every day which is why it felt dragged. You spent the following days crying, confined in these four walls, staring into the empty and hollow space whenever you sat in front of the dining table, unable to consume the food in front of you because your mind is imbued with thoughts of him.
The moment you woke up after the day you left the rest house, your phone was flooded with messages and calls, the majority being from Jimin. He had been calling and texting constantly and seeing his name appear on the screen makes your insides twist, feeling like there's this continuous punch thrown at your heart leaving it battered. In turn, you grit your teeth as you decline every single time and switch it off.
Day five and you decide to get out of bed early in the afternoon despite the strong urge to just stay. Strolling down to the kitchen to make yourself some coffee, you see his jacket that's on one of the chairs and it hits you. Everything returns in bits and pieces, in flashbacks.
You miss him. Thoughts of him possessed your mind the past few days and nights, the feelings he made your heart feel had seized over your whole body, and in turn, it looks for him, it misses him and it loves him. You assess the past few days and think that you've been missing his presence more than ever; his absence brings you these dull aches.
Day one was you missing the way he'd dance randomly, shaking his hips whenever he was feeling extra good, whenever he wins something just like that time in the amusement park and you think that the sun shines bright but he radiates even brighter, a work of art that makes you feel exhilarated and refreshed, the vivacity and vibrancy he oozes is infectious.
Day two was the way he'd make you laugh when he comes up with nonsensical things. It's charming, adorable and endearing like how he spontaneously formed a hilarious story about the constellations when you went stargazing that same night after you played spin the bottle. If he isn't the one making people laugh, he'd be the one drowning in hysterics, clapping unstoppably and even crouching down on the floor and that's also one of the things you loved about him.
Day three and you missed the little things he does that you deemed as parts of him that made him whole and loveable like how he flips his hair every five seconds or how he likes sending you video messages when he couldn't be bothered to send texts or if not, they'd be audio messages where he'd sing, opening up a conversation with you asking him why he didn't tell you before that he could sing exceptionally well and with him telling you all about his love for music, singing and dancing.
By the fourth day, it's his voice that you miss. His soft voice that always called you 'babe'—the pet name that made you feel like you were truly his and he was yours. It made your heart stop every time, made you falter for how riveting and enrapturing it is especially when it came out of his lips.
By the fifth day, you miss the scent of his cologne. You wear his jacket and you feel him but it isn't enough because you want Jimin, not just a piece of him. By the fifth day, everything came all at once. The concept of loving, you think, isn't easy. It isn't because you'll be hurt and you'll feel pain and that's okay because without it, you won't feel how beautiful it is to fall in love with someone.
You realize that what you have felt for him is genuine underneath all the denial, beneath all of the things that you told yourself like how you influenced your psyche that you were only doing the whole thing to make Taehyung jealous.
What you feel for Jimin is real and solid—every single bit of it. You couldn't just admit to yourself that it was only make-believe, detested that you were just a false girlfriend when you wanted to be the girl he's really in love with, the one who has his heart.
With Jimin, it felt like he had a natural pull towards you. If he was a charmer on the outside, then his charms must have worked on the inside too because your heart felt like it was being hauled, as if his was a magnet that your heart just wanted to hop out and escape from your chest in order to fuse with his. It's this exact pull that makes you get dressed in a hurry to make your way to his apartment.
You could always give in to him but you didn't before because you weren't sure. Weren't sure that if you had trusted your heart with him, he might just eventually break it and treat it as a toy, throwing it away afterwards when he's had enough. But he likes you too. He said so himself. Jimin has fallen for you too, meaning he won't break your heart.
You were afraid to admit and acknowledge that you had strong feelings for him, tried to brainwash yourself that it was still Taehyung who made you feel all these things when really it was Jimin all along. The spark of adrenaline surges through you and the love you feel for him courses through you, giving you that push as you sprint as fast as you can.
You arrive at his flat, panting with your hands on your knees before you could knock his door as if you just ran through space and time for him. After seeing his jacket, you know that this is the right thing to do—you aren't going to sit back and let another day pass by without letting him know how you feel.
Jimin opening the door, eyes twinkling and having the largest smile on his face when you say "Let's make it real" is what you pictured to happen. What you envisioned in your mind while you were on your way is him immediately pulling you into an embrace after you tell him that what you want is a real relationship with no more pretence, no more games.
You think that maybe he'd ask if he can kiss you or he'd just dive straight in—either way, you'll welcome his lips to yours with a heart that's ready to love him for real and ready to forgive and forget about what happened. You would relish that exact moment when his lips touches yours, revel in the fact that he loves you the way you love him. Instead, you're greeted by the sight of Jungkook opening the door.
"Hi, uh—where's Jimin?"
"Y/N."
You walk past him, heartbeat bellowing in your chest, and you see Namjoon in there too but the person you're searching for isn't even though all of his things are here, leaving you in a state of utter confusion and anxiety. You search every room desperately, only to be disappointed when they were all empty, "Where is he?"
He probably just went somewhere, you say to yourself. He'll be back, you keep thinking. You glance at Jungkook who's avoiding your eyes, looking down at his shoes, then at Namjoon who has a dejected expression, "He's gone."
You almost didn't hear what he said or rather, you refused to accept what he had just said. It's not what you wanted him to respond, not what you needed him to say. "What?"
"He's back with Nicole."