*Warning: possible triggering elements such as drug use and abuse.*
The four of us met Hagrid straight away, who had been nursing wounds with dragon steak. Him and Madam Maxime had been visiting giants in southern France, and were trying to get them onto Dumbledore's side.
They gave gifts to the leader, and everything seemed fine. Until the giant was killed and replaced by a new leader. Then before they could please that one, Death Eaters arrived to give him gifts. Hagrid was convinced he saw Mark among them, but couldn't tell as this man was much skinnier and with much less hair.
I supposed it was a possibility of it being Mark, Jenna's death wasn't going to stop him working for Voldemort. But if he was skinner and balder, then that was a good thing. He should be feeling awful about Jenna's death. He caused it, after all.
Hermione was trying to get Hagrid to use safer creatures for us in lessons, but I doubted he would listen. He thought everything dangerous was a fluffy creature--especially since Gennie told me he once named a three headed dog Fluffy.
On Tuesday we nervously headed down to the forest for our lesson, hoping not to be eaten alive. I was hoping for something that breathed fire, it would at least warm us up from the two feet of snow around the castle before we died.
“We’re workin’ in here today!” Hagrid called happily to us, pointing to the forest. “Bit more sheltered! Anyway, they prefer the dark.”
“What prefers the dark?” I heard Draco say sharply to Crabbe and Goyle, a trace of panic in his voice. “What did he say prefers the dark - did you hear?”
I remembered Gennie telling me that when they had to search for unicorns in first year, Draco was terrified. Well, he still was now.
“Ready?” said Hagrid cheerfully, looking around at the class. “Right, well, I’ve bin savin’ a trip inter the Forest fer yer fifth year. Thought we’d go an’ see these creatures in their natural habitat. Now, what we’re studyin’ today is pretty rare, I reckon I’m probably the on’y person in Britain who’s managed ter train ‘em.”
“And you’re sure they’re trained, are you?” said Draco, the panic in his voice even more noticable. “Only it wouldn’t be the first time you’d brought wild stuff to class, would it?”
I would have shouted at him, but he had a fair point.
“Course they’re trained,” scowled Hagrid.
“So what happened to your face, then?” demanded Draco
“Mind yer own business!” said Hagrid, angrily. “Now, if yeh’ve finished askin’ stupid questions, follow me!”
He turned and strode straight into the Forest. We followed him for ten minutes through the labyrinth of dark trees, until we reached a large clearing. He dropped a dead cow he'd been carrying and threw it to the floor.
“Gather roun’, gather roun’,” Hagrid encouraged. “Now, they’ll be attracted by the smell o’ the meat but I’m goin’ ter give ‘em a call anyway, ‘cause they’ll like ter know it’s me.”
Well that explains the dead cow.
Hagrid gave three shrieking cries, and then something emerged from the trees. I gasped. It was the skeletal horses I'd seen pulling the carriages. Cole and Gennie gasped beside me. I couldn't help smiling. I wasn't going crazy at all--these creatures were real.
I looked eagerly at Gennie, but Gennie was still staring around into the trees and after a few seconds whispered, “Why doesn’t Hagrid call again?”
Most of the rest of the class were wearing expressions as confused and nervously expectant as Gennie's and were still gazing everywhere but at the horse standing feet from them. Only Harry, Neville, Cole, a Slytherin boy and myself seemed to be staring at the horse.
“Oh, an’ here comes another one!” said Hagrid proudly, as a second black horse appeared out of the dark trees, folded its wings closer and dipped its head to gorge on the meat. “Now… put yer hands up, who can see ‘em?”
I raised my hand hesitantly, along with Cole, Neville, Harry and the Slytherin boy.
“Yeah… yeah, I knew you’d be able ter, Harry an Rory,” he said seriously. “An’ you too, Neville and Cole, eh? An--"
“Excuse me,” sneered Draco. “but what exactly are we supposed to be seeing?”
For an answer, Hagrid pointed at the cow carcass on the ground. The whole class stared at it for a few seconds, then people gasped. They could see the the meat vanishing, but not what was eating it.
“What’s doing it?” Parvati demanded in a terrified voice, retreating behind the nearest tree. “What’s eating it?”
“Thestrals,” said Hagrid proudly and Hermione gave a soft 'oh' of comprehension at my shoulder. “Hogwarts has got a whole herd of ‘em in here. Now, who knows -?”
“But they’re really, really unlucky!” interrupted Parvati, looking alarmed. “They’re supposed to bring all sorts of horrible misfortune on people who see them. Professor Trelawney told me once -”
“No, no, no,” said Hagrid, chuckling, “tha’s jus’ superstition, that is, they aren’ unlucky, they’re dead clever an’ useful! Course, this lot don’ get a lot o’ work, it’s mainly jus’ pullin’ the school carriages unless Dumbledore’s takin’ a long journey an’ don’ want ter Apparate - an’ here’s another couple, look -”
Two more horses came quietly out of the trees, one of them passing very close to Parvati, who shivered and pressed herself closer to the tree, saying, “I think I felt something, I think it’s near me!”
“Don’ worry, it won’ hurt yen,” said Hagrid patiently. “Righ’, now, who can tell me why some o’ yeh can see ‘em an’ some can’t?”
Hermione raised her hand.
“Go on then,” said Hagrid, beaming at her.
“The only people who can see Thestrals,” she said, “are people who have seen death.”
My heart sank. I had never thought of the link between who could see them. Harry and I had seen Cedric die of course.... But who had Luna, Neville and Cole seen die?
“Tha’s exactly right,” said Hagrid solemnly, “ten points ter Gryffindor. Now, Thestrals -”
“Hem, hem.”
Professor Umbridge had arrived. Great.
“Hem, hem.”
“Oh, hello!” Hagrid said, smiling, having located the source of the noise, believing it was a thestral for the last few minutes.
“You received the note I sent to your cabin this morning?” said Umbridge, in the same loud, slow voice she had used with him a few days ago, as though she were addressing somebody both foreign and very slow. “Telling you that I would be inspecting y our lesson?”
“Oh, yeah,” said Hagrid brightly. “Glad yeh found the place all righ’! Well, as you can see - or, I dunno - can you? We’re doin’ Thestrals today -”
“I’m sorry?” said Professor Umbridge loudly, cupping her hand around her ear and frowning. “What did you say?”
Hagrid looked a little confused. “Er - Thestrals!” he said loudly. “Big - er - winged horses, yeh know!”
He flapped his gigantic arms hopefully. Professor Umbridge raised her eyebrows at him and muttered as she made a note on her clipboard: “Has… to… resort… to… crude… sign… language.”
“Well… anyway…” said Hagrid, turning back to the class and looking slightly flustered, “erm… what was I sayin’?”
“Appears… to… have… poor… short… term… memory,” muttered Umbridge, loudly enough for everyone to hear her.
Draco looked as though Christmas had come a month early; Hermione, on the other hand, had turned scarlet with suppressed rage.
“Oh, yeah,” said Hagrid, throwing an uneasy glance at Umbridge’s clipboard, but ploughing on valiantly. “Yeah, I was gonna tell yeh how come we got a herd. Yeah, so, we started off with a male an’ five females. This one,” he patted the fir st horse to have appeared, “name o’ Tenebrus, he’s my special favorite, firs’ one born here in the Forest -”
“Are you aware,” Umbridge said loudly, interrupting him, “that the Ministry of Magic has classified Thestrals as ‘dangerous’?”
Hagrid just chuckled. “Thestrals aren’ dangerous! All righ’, they might take a bite outta yeh if yeh really annoy them -”
“Shows… signs… of… pleasure… at… idea… of… violence,” muttered Umbridge, scribbling on her clipboard again.
“No - come on!” said Hagrid, looking a little anxious now. “I mean, a dog’ll bite if yeh bait it, won’ it - but Thestrals have jus’ got a bad reputation because o’ the death thing - people used ter think they were bad omens, didn’ they? Jus’ didn’ understand, did they?”
Umbridge did not answer; she finished writing her last note, then looked up at Hagrid and said, again very loudly and slowly, “Please continue teaching as usual. I am going to walk,” she mimed walking (Draco and Pansy were having silent fits of laughter) “among the students” (she pointed around at individual members of the class) “and ask them questions.” She pointed at her mouth to indicate talking.
Hagrid stared at her, clearly at a complete loss to understand why she was acting as though he did not understand normal English.
Hermione had tears of fury in her eyes now. “You hag, you evil hag!” she whispered, as Umbridge walked towards Pansy Parkinson. “I know what you’re doing, you awful, twisted, vicious -”
“Erm… anyway,” said Hagrid, clearly struggling to regain the flow of his lesson, “so - Thestrals. Yeah. Well, there’s loads o’ good stuff abou’ them…”
“Do you find,” said Professor Umbridge in a ringing voice to Pansy Parkinson, “that you are able to understand Professor Hagrid when he talks?”
Just like Hermione, Pansy had tears in her eyes, but these were tears of laughter; indeed, her answer was almost incoherent because she was trying to suppress her giggles. “No… because… well… it sounds… like grunting a lot of the time.”
Umbridge scribbled on her clipboard. The few unbruised bits of Hagrid’s face flushed, but he tried to act as though he had not heard Pansy’s answer.
“Er… yeah… good stuff abou’ Thestrals. Well, once they’re tamed, like this lot, yeh’ll never be lost again. ‘Mazin’ sense o’ direction, jus’ tell ‘em where yeh want ter go -”
“Assuming they can understand you, of course,” said Draco loudly, and Pansy Parkinson collapsed in a fit of renewed giggles. I shot him a dark look. We hadn't talked since the hospital wing, and I was more than pissed off he wasn't making an effort to make things better.
Professor Umbridge smiled indulgently at them and then turned to Cole.
"Who did you see die, Mr Wilde?"
Cole looked a bit startled to be asked, but he stammered out, "Um, my friend Ashton. He had a really bad asthma attack when we were eleven."
Gennie looked just about as surprised as I did. We'd just thought Sam had been Cole's first friend. But he must have been friends with this Ashton boy before things got really bad. My heart really went out to poor eleven year old Cole, whose friend died on him and left him alone with an abusive brother...
"And what do you think of the horses?"
Cole stared at the horses, which were now raveneging the dead cow remains. "Er... They're alright I guess."
“Students… are… too… intimidated… to… admit… they… are… frightened,” muttered Umbridge, making another note on her clipboard.
“No!” said Cole, sounding annoyed. "I think they're great, I just don't like watching them feast on a dead cow!"
“It’s quite all right,” said Umbridge, patting Cole on the shoulder with what she evidently intended to be an understanding smile, though it looked more like a leer. She turned away from him, and Cole scowled.
"She'll be the next dead cow if she doesn't watch out." Cole muttered, shoving his hands up his sleeves and looking close to angry tears.
“Well, Hagrid,” she turned to look up at him again, speaking once more in that loud, slow voice, “I think I’ve got enough to be getting along with. You will receive” (she mimed taking something from the air in front of her) “the results of your inspection” (she pointed at the clipboard) “in ten days’ time.” She held up ten stubby little fingers, then, her smile wider and more toadlike than ever before beneath her green hat, she bustled from their midst.
The class soon ended, and Gennie and I walked up to the castle with the silent Cole. "You never mentioned Ashton." Gennie said quietly, putting her arm through Cole's. "Were you close?"
"We were practically brothers." Cole said quickly. "We both loved pianos and kittens, and he was there for me before Sam was." He rubbed at his face to hide some tears. He sighed. "Can we just not talk about him, okay?"
"That's fine." Gennie said, looking worried. "Whatever you want."
* * *
December came, and it sped through in a flurry of snow and homework. D.A meetings were becoming less frequent, because pretty much everybody was going home for the holidays. Harry and I were heading to the Burrow, seen as that was where Lacey and Hollie lived for the moment.
Cole, Alia and Gennie were heading to Bulgaria with Arthur and his family for Christmas; seen as Cole's mother and Camille wanted to connect with both Alia and Gennie. Hermione was heading skiing, something Ron was very interested about.
At the last D.A meeting, I was the first one there. I stifled a laugh when I saw Dobby the house elf had decorated for Christmas. Hundreds of baubles were from the ceiling with Harry's face on proclaiming: 'HAVE A VERY HARRY CHRISTMAS'.
I heard the door open, to see Harry staring at the room in shock. "What the hell is this?"
I couldn't help laughing now. "Dobby decorated for Christmas."
"Well it's coming down." Harry said firmly, and he started to take down all of the decorations.
"Nooo!" I exclaimed, "Everyone will love it! Especially Cho!"
"Shut up!" Harry said, turning red, and ripping more baubles down. "Don't say a word of this to anyone!"
I recluantly watched as Harry took down the decorations, and I was very pleased when Luna turned up. "Hey Luna," I said brightly. "I thought nobody was going to turn up."
"Oh hello, Aurora." she said vaguely. "Did you enjoy the last Quibbler?"
"I especially loved the fact about mistletoe and nargles." I told her honestly, remembering how quirky I found the article.
Harry looked up at the sound of our voices, and Luna looked at him dreamily.
“Hello,” she said vaguely, looking around at what remained of the decorations. “These are nice, did you put them up?”
“No,” said Harry, “it was Dobby the house-elf.”
“Mistletoe,” said Luna dreamily, pointing at a large clump of white berries placed almost over Harry’s head. He jumped out from under it, making me laugh. “Good thinking,” said Luna very seriously. “It’s often infested with Nargles.”
Harry was stopped from answering when Gennie, Katie and Angelina Johnson arrived. "Good news." Gennie said. "I've picked us a new seeker and beaters."
Gennie had trials last week, but wouldn't have anybody's help to choose who went on the team. She said it was something she had to do without any influence.
"Who is it?" Harry said, sounding wounded.
"Ginny." Gennie said. "She's really good. There was nobody better than her." She thought for a moment. "She's not as good as you, of course. But she's the next best thing."
"Who are the beaters?" I asked curiously.
"Well I got Jack Sloper as one of them--you know that sixth year with the fuzzy hair?" Gennie said, and I nodded. "But you wouldn't know the other guy... His name is Cole Wilde."
"No way!" I exclaimed. "So that's where he snuck off to!"
Gennie shrugged. "I was trying not to be bias to people I know, but Cole is really amazing working with Jack. It's actually surprising neither of them have been on a team before now."
More and more people filed in, until everybody was here. Harry looked around, and then cleared his throar.
“Okay,” he said,. “I thought this evening we should just go over the things we’ve done so far, because it’s the last meeting before the holidays and there’s no point starting anything new right before a three-week break -”
“We’re not doing anything new?” said Zacharias Smith, in a disgruntled whisper loud enough to carry through the room. “If I’d known that, I wouldn’t have come.”
“We’re all really sorry Harry didn’t tell you, then,” said Fred loudly.
Several people sniggered.
“- we can practice in pairs,” said Harry. “We’ll start with the Impediment Jinx, for ten minutes, then we can get out the cushions and try Stunning again.”
I paired up with Arthur, as Sam was now always paired up with her suspected girlfriend Mira. I assumed they were together, but Sam hadn't confirmed anything. He noticed me staring over at Sam and Mira.
"They are a really cute couple, I have to admit."
"I'm just glad Sam's happy." I admitted. "So Arthur, how have you been?"
He waited until using the jinx on me until he answered. "Alright, I suppose. Everything's going well with Eloise." He glanced over at his girlfriend with a soppy look. "And I can't wait to go to Bulgaria next week--I haven't been since before Cole started Durmstrang."
"So is he alright with going back?" I asked, looking over at Cole, who looked a bit agitated as he practiced with Gennie. "He hasn't been back since before he was expelled, right?"
Arthur shrugged, but looked worried. "Well his mum is desperate to re-connect with him and Alia. Plus she wanted to meet Gennie. I think if it wasn't for her, Cole wouldn't even consider going home."
"She makes him feel safe." I said. "It's always been like that."
After ten minutes on the Impediment Jinx, we laid out cushions all over the floor and started practicing Stunning again. Everybody made great progress, and it was a lot of fun to see everybody get better week by week. At the end of an hour, Harry called a halt.
“You’re getting really good,” he said, beaming around at them. “When we get back from the holidays we can start doing some of the big stuff - maybe even Patronuses.”
Everybody seemed really pleased at that, and slowly everybody began to head out, saying Christmas greetings to each other. I felt perfectly happy and at ease until I heard some Ravenclaw say: "So it's the eighteenth today--so it's only a week until Christmas."
I froze, and I felt my stomach clench into knots. I tapped the Ravenclaw on the shoulder. "It's the eighteenth of Decemeber?"
"That's what I just said." They said, rolling their eyes before heading off with their friends.
I waited outside the room of requirement as people milled past, wishing me a merry christmas. I responded half heart-ily, as I felt eaten up with guilt. December 18th would have been Jenna's 34th birthday.
How had I forgotten? I knew it wasn't because of my memory ring, I'd just pushed it to the back of my mind. I had planned to buy lanterns from Hogsmeade and release them off the astronomy tower in honour of Jenna. But now I couldn't.
But could I? The room of requirement gave you what you wanted. If I asked for lanterns for Jenna, would it give it to me? There was only one way to find out. I waited outside the room for what seemed like forever, until Harry and Cho came out.
Harry looked in a daze, and Cho was flushed red. It was quite obvious what they'd been doing. I grinned at them both. Cho looked at me quite sheepishly. "I'll erm see you soon, Harry." she said, before heading off.
Harry and I stared each other out for a few minutes. "You kissed her, didn't you?" I asked. Harry nodded, turning bright red. I clapped him on the shoulder. "Good for you, bro! Took you long enough!"
"Shut up." Harry said, ducking his head in embarrassment. "What are you doing?"
"I want lanterns from the room, let them off for Jenna's birthday." I explained.
Harry nodded, and gave me a quick hug. "Don't be too late, okay?"
Once Harry was gone down the corridor--with a skip in his step--I faced the wall. I need something to help me celebrate Jenna's life, I said to myself as I paced in front of the door. After the third time, a door appeared in the room.
I ducked inside, and I couldn't help smiling. Sitting on the floor was a large Chinese lantern with a candle and box of matches by the side. The room had also provided a blanket, much like one I'd had back at the Oswin's.
I picked up the items, and made my way through the school, not caring if I was caught. This blanket was almost identical to the bobbly and unravelling one that Jenna tried to knit for me. Just having it in my arms made me feel closer to her.
Without running into any prefects or teachers, I made it up to the astronomy tower. The sky was cloudless after the last fall of snow, stars glittering like precious jewels and the half-risen moon curving across the beauty of the sky.
It was still freezing though, and I draped my blanket around my shoulders as I lent over the Astronomy tower. I balanced the lantern on the railing, and struck the match. It glowed and flickered with life, and I felt nostalgia rise into me as I threw the match into the candle submerged in the lantern.
Every birthday, every New Year, the whole of the house would be up at one in the morning. With blankets and marshmallows in hands, we'd tumble into the garden in our pyjamas; not complaining about the time at once.
Huddling under blankets Mark and Jenna would lit six lanterns (two for Jenna), and hand us one each (once we were old enough to hold it without setting ourselves alight) before we'd link hands and send them soaring into the sky.
The sky would be dotted with a cluster of lanterns so bright and beautiful that it made your eyes ache just to look at them. And we'd sit on the grass huddled together under poorly knitted blankets eating marshmallows in comfortable silence until the lanterns were just mere pinpricks in the sky.
One year when I was about eight, I got curious about why we'd always celebrate birthday's and New Year's this way. Jenna had pulled me onto her lap, and wrapped a lock of my hair around her finger, as she often did.
"You know I love China, I studied the country in college." Jenna had said softly, her voice low and soft with fatigue. "And I learned that these lanterns symbolised hope and good wishes. And we always need to remember that no matter what--there is always hope and good wishes for things to get better."
I had been puzzled at the time, as you don't really grasp everything when you're eight. "So, where do they go, Mummy?"
Jenna had laughed, her green eyes sparkling in the fading lantern light. "They go wherever you want them to go. I like to think they go up to heaven, to show the people you've lost that you miss and love them--and that you have hope and wishes to get better."
"So we do it because we want to have hope and good wishes?" I'd said, screwing up my face in concentration.
Jenna had hugged me tightly then. "Yes, darling. And we all need to remember to have hope and good wishes on birthday's and New Year's."
"But that doesn't explain why we have marshmallows."
Jenna had kissed the top of my head, and then buried her face in my bunches. "Oh Rory sweetheart, that's because sweets are one of the best things in life."
Gently, I pushed the lantern off the railing and watched as it slowly began to rise into the sky. "Hey, Jenna." I whispered, leaning over the railing. "I just wanted you to know I understand what you told me when I was eight. And I do have a lot of hopes and wishes to get better."
I took out my anti-depressants which had been stowed in my jacket pocket. "Madam Pomfrey took me off them last week, and I'm sure you're happy about that. I'm still sad I lost you, Kayley and Cedric of course, but it's better. I don't want to join you. I want to be here with Lacey and Hollie, and all the people who love me."
I felt tears fall down my face, and as the lantern lifted higher and higher into the starry sky, I felt almost like I'd let go of my grief and guilt and left it burning brightly into the night sky.
I stayed there for a few minutes, until the lantern was swallowed into the night sky. Then, with the feeling of a weight being left off my chest, I headed back to Gryffindor tower.
* * *
"Hey," Gennie said as I walked into the dorms. "Everything go okay with celebrating Jenna's birthday?"
I was confused until I realised that Harry had probably told her where I'd gone. "I let off a lantern for her. We'd always used to set off six every birthday and New Year's to show we had hope."
Gennie's face softened, and she sat on the end of my bed. "That's sweet. Why six though?"
I shrugged. "I always found it weird when I was younger, but I suppose they were letting one of for Robyn as well." I lent back on my bed, feeling exhausted. "Where is everybody? I saw Ron, Hermione and Harry gossiping downstairs, but no Cole."
"He's seeing off Sam, I think." Gennie said uncertainly.
I frowned. "Why do you think?"
"Because he wandered off saying he was going to take Sam back to Hogsmeade, but five minutes later I found her snogging Mira Dawson in a cupboard."
"Aw," I smiled. "I'm glad they got together and all, but where's Cole?"
Gennie sighed. "I'm guessing he's gone to Hogsmeade to buy presents, Sam told me he was panicking about what to get everyone." she paused. "That reminds me, after I found Sam and Mira, I stumbled across Draco."
"Did you?" I said, feigning interest as I put on my pyjamas. "What excuses did the idiot have to say to you?"
Gennie tossed a package onto my bed. "He said he knows he's an idiot and screw-up--which I heavily agree with--and knows you probably don't want anything to do with him, but he simply had to give you a Christmas present. He implied there's an apology in there as well."
I sighed, and placed the package on my bed-side table. "I'm just sick of always having to forgive him, and put up with his shit. Can't he just be a nice and normal boyfriend, like Cole is to you?"
"He always was a little shit when we were best friends." Gennie sighed. "That reminds me, will you come to the boy's dorms with me?"
I raised an eyebrow. "I'm not sure if you've been here for the last few months, Gen, but you've been sleeping up in the boy's dorms a lot with Cole recently--and hopefully sleeping because I sure as hell don't want a mental image of that."
Gennie flushed bright red and huffed. "We have not slept together, we're nowhere near that yet. But anyway, I wanted to leave his Christmas present in his room. I know I'm going to Bulgaria with him in a few days, but I thought seeing a present might make him less stressed."
"Alright, I'll come." I got to my feet. "I don't want you to endure the awkwardness of going into the boy's dorms."
She rolled her eyes, and picked up a parcel that was wrapped on her bed. "Come on then."
"Sooo," I asked Gennie nonchalantly. "How do you feel about meeting Cole's mother? It's a big step, isn't it?"
"Not really," Gennie said confidently as we headed up the stairs to the boy's dorms. "I mean I love him, and could see myself spending the rest of my life with him--so really it's a small step towards forever."
"Jesus you guys are the cutest couple I know." I shook my head. "I'm so jealous. What did you get him for Christmas?"
"This is a part of the present." Gennie said, shaking the box. "It's a collar and a picture of a kitten I've bought him. The pet shop in Diagon Alley is sending the kitten over to Bulgaria on Christmas morning."
"You bought him a kitten?" I gasped. "Forget about being jealous about the two of you, I wouldn't mind you as a girlfriend if I swang that way, Gen."
Gennie rolled her eyes as we stood outside the fifth year's dorm. "Well he hasn't shut up about kittens for the last few months, and I thought he'd really appreciate it."
"Like I said before, you would make an awesome girlfriend."
I knocked on the dormitry door, but there was no answer. I peered inside, to see that it was empty. "Looks like you freaked out over nothing." I said, sitting on Cole's bed. "Should we wait for him, or...?"
"Nah, I'll just put it on his bed side table, he'll see it later." Gennie shrugged, and she shoved it onto the bed-side table roughly. But she shoved it too hard, and another box wobbled and fell from the table, contents rattling around inside
"Aw shit, Cole will kill me if this box is broken." Gennie groaned, picking up the box, who's lid was hanging off by the hinges. It was a clay box covered in macaroni and glitter, the type children made in nursery. "Camille made this for him."
But then the bottom of the box snapped off, leaving Gennie with the lid in hand. Contents spilled out like a waterfall, with what seemed to be hundreds of mints pooling onto the floor.
"Shit, he's certainly going to kill me now." Gennie groaned, tossing the lid onto the bed.
"Why the hell does Cole have hundreds of mints in his box?" I said curiously, as we began to pick all of them up. Then as I pooled about ten into my hands, I realised what they were. "Oh my..."
I looked across the floor to Gennie, who looked just as petrified as I felt. They weren't mints, there were hundreds of pills scattered across the carpet. Some I regonised as sleeping pills and paracetamols, some were anti-depressants like the ones I'd just come off. But some... Some of these pills were unrecognisable.
"What the hell are you both doing?" An angry shout came from the door. Feeling afraid, I turned around to see Cole stood in the doorway, clutching a paper bag in his hands.
Gennie and I jumped to our feet in synchronization. "We were just--"
"Looking through my belongings for alcohol, to make sure I'm not a tragic addict." Cole said angrily, his hands clenched into fists. "Well I'll have you both know that I haven't drunk anything since September and--"
It was then he noticed all of the pills on the floor and the broken box. "What are you doing with those?" he asked quietly, his voice deadly soft but strong at the same time. It made hairs stand up on the back of my neck.
Gennie looked a mixture of worried and angry. "The question is, what are you doing with those, Cole?" she said, her voice shaking. "I know you take them for headaches and when you can't sleep--but why do you need hundreds?"
Cole threw his package onto the bed, and I saw more pills begin to leak out of the top. I felt vaguely sick. "I need them all." he said simply. "I always have."
"But why are you stealing Rory's medication?" Gennie cried. "I'm not stupid Cole, those are the exact same ones as she takes."
Cole turned bright red before he began to shout. "Yeah, well for your information, Genesis, I actually am on anti-depressants and mood stabilizer's--I have been since I was thirteen!" He shook his head and snorted. "It's not like you care anyway."
"Don't say that." I said sharply. "Gennie cares more than anybody, actually. And we've been shit scared for the last few months that you were an alcoholic or suicidal--when really you've been a junkie!"
"I am NOT A JUNKIE!" Cole yelled, screwing his face up in frustration. "I need the pills, I need them to live."
"You don't!" Gennie cried, looking near tears. "That's just the addiction talking, you've just been brainwashed by your dealer and the drugs! I know you probably thinks it helps you--"
"It does!" Cole burst out, looking angry and frustrated. "Don't you get it? These pills are the only way I can function normally!"
"No they're not!" I shouted, getting annoyed but terrified for Cole at the same time. "Who keeps telling you this?"
"You don't understand!" Cole howled, looking half-crazy now as he began to shake. "Taking these pills are the only way I can be with Gennie. Sam said--"
We both froze. "Sam said?" Gennie said quietly. "She's been giving you these the whole time?"
"Not the whole time." Cole scoffed. "Just since October. But listen to me, Gen--taking this medication helps me be a good person. Please, Gen I need these to be with you, please listen."
Gennie froze, and she looked almost afraid for a minute. Then she composed herself and said quietly, "No, Cole. No. You either have the pills or me, there is no in-between." she began to back out of the room.
Cole started to walk towards her, looking terrified. "What are you saying? Are we over? Just like that?"
"I need some time to think," Gennie whispered, not looking at either of us. "Just leave me alone. I'll be back."
She dashed out of the room, looking oddly determined. Then it was just Cole and I, alone. He was quiet for a few minutes, before he started to pace the room. I stared after him, unsure what to do or say. It was when the tears started to fall down his face that I intervened.
"Are you okay, Cole?"
"NO!" He shouted, and he punched the wooden frame holding his bed hangings. "I'M NOT FUCKING OKAY!"
"Cole..."
"I ruin everything I touch!" Cole howled, and he started punching and kicking everything in sight, his eyes blinded with tears. "I lost Alia when she was born, I lost my brother, I lost Ashton, I lost Kitty and my friends at the detention centre, I lost Sam and now I've lost Gennie and you!"
"Cole..." I raised my voice slightly, but he just kept sobbing and throwing things around the room. I rushed up to him, and threw my arms around his back. "I'm here... I'm here."
He started sobbing more, and gently I lowered him to the floor. We both sat there for a few minutes, my arms wrapped around his body as if I could protect him from the world. "Shh, Cole, I'm here."
"I hate this, I fucking hate it." Cole sniffled. "I hate myself I hate my life, I hate everything that's ever happened to me, I just wish I didn't exist so I wouldn't be hurting this much. I'm poison, Rory, I hurt and kill everyone that ever cares for me."
"You've just had bad luck, Cole, you haven't hurt anybody." I said, and I put my arms more firmly around his body as he cried into me. "Shh, it's okay."
"It's not it's not." Cole said sounding delirious as he stumbled over his words. The spell that let him understand English seemed to be failing as his thicker Bulgarian accent came out. "I killed Ashton Rory, I killed Ashy, the only one who ever cared for me. He knew everything about Cameron, and he ran to protect me from him and he ran too much as he dragged me as I was bleeding. Then he couldn't breath as he'd forgotten his pump and I was too late to help him, I couldn't help him and he died, Rory he died."
"It's not your fault." I soothed. "And Cameron did that, not you. And you had to leave your friends at the detention centre, you had to come here. And Gennie isn't going anywhere."
"She hates me she hates me." Cole muttered. "Everybody hates me and they only put up with me because I can occasionally be funny. I'm not good at anything no I'm a bad person and bad things should happen to me."
Feeling terrified at these words, I slowly un-wrapped my arms from Cole. "Listen," I said softly. "I'm going to find Gennie, and we'll sort this all out together, okay?"
He nodded once, looking blankly past me. Without thinking twice, I ran straight up to our dorms, pushing past people and without stopping to catch my breath. When I emerged into our dorm, I saw Gennie practically ransacking my belongings.
"Why did you do that?" I shouted. "He's in pieces, and needs our support!"
"Don't you think I know that?" Gennie snapped. "I only said that to get out of the room."
"What the hell are you doing and talking about?" I shouted, getting impatient.
"Cole never said they were drugs, he never said he was a junkie." Gennie said in a rushed voice. "He only ever called them pills--and one time medication. He's not an addict. That stuff is medication for a condition he's been hiding from us for this whole year--maybe longer even."
I processed it in my head. "That actually makes sense. So what are you doing?"
"Looking for your bloody map." she snapped. "I need to find Sam, she'll know how to calm Cole down, and what his condition even is."
"I always keep it in my top drawer, you dufus!" I shouted, and pulled the map out triumphantly. "But Jesus, you need to go to Cole first, he's in pieces."
"What do you mean?" Gennie asked apprehensively.
"Gen, he said he doesn't want to exist, and that he ruins everything."
Gennie grabbed my hand, and we ran without stopping to Cole's dorm, my heart beating painfully in my chest. The door was shut, and my heart practically leapt into my neck. I'd left the door open.
Gennie bashed and knocked on the door, before growing impatient and barging in. The room was empty, apart from Seamus who had his top half-off. He peered through the shirt, looking startled.
"What are you two doing in here?"
"Where's Cole?" Gennie demanded.
Seamus looked even more startled. "I dunno. He barged past me on the stairs. He looked kind of upset. Did he do this to the room?"
I looked around, to see that Cole's section of the room was a mess, his mattress over-turned, items discarded messily and his bed hangings lying in tatters on the floor. But one thing was missing. The pile of pills.
Gennie noticed the same time as I did. "Doesn't matter. Come on, Rory."
We ran back to our dorm, and threw on jackets and shoes over our pyjamas. "I-I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good." I said in a shaking voice, and the map came to life.
I searched the map for any sign of Cole or Sam, desperate to find them before things became drastic. "There he is!" Gennie shrieked. I followed her finger to see that Cole was just entering the passageway to the shrieking shack.
"And there's Sam, with Mira!" I pointed to a broom cupboard on the seventh floor. I pulled the map into my pocket before pausing. "Should we find McGonagall as well? I mean if he's in a bad way..."
Gennie nodded. "She's just down the corridor, I forgot it's almost curfew... Come on."
We ran out of the common room, ignoring people shouting at us that it was late and we were going to be caught. "What are you two doing?" McGonagall demanded.
"Professor, I know it's late, but we need to find Cole." Gennie said urgently. "He's been on some medication, but we thought they were drugs and he freaked out and left..."
McGonagall looked concerned. "Do you know where he is now?"
"We think he's going through the Whimping Willow to the shrieking shack." I said hurriedly. "But Samantha Lockwood can help us know exactly where he is."
"Well then," McGonagall said briskly. "I shall alert St Mungo's and send some paramedics there in case. You find this Samantha girl."
Gennie and I said hurried thank you's and headed off to find Sam. We needed to know what was wrong with Cole--and she would need to know anyway. She was his best friend, after all.
As we entered the seventh floor corridor, we found Sam in an embrace with Mira. Even though I knew the situation was urgent, I didn't want to interrupt Sam's kissing session with her girlfriend. Gennie thought differently.
She pulled Sam physically away from Mira, and Sam gave her a dirty look. "What do you want, Gennie?"
"It's Cole." Gennie said hurriedly, and Sam's annoyance flickered away instantly. "We found medication but we thought it was drugs, and he's upset and headed off with them..."
"Shit, I thought he would have told you both by now." Sam said, looking concerned. "He'll be at the shrieking shack, that's where I've been leaving medication for him when I get it."
"Is everything okay?" Mira asked, looking flustered.
"I hope so." Sam said worriedly. She placed a kiss on Mira's cheek. "I'll see you soon, love."
And then the three of us started to run towards the grounds. The whomping willow was silent, a sign that Cole had just passed through. Tripping over our feet, we ducked into the secret passage way. Sam went through first, and Gennie and I followed.
We went so fast crawling in the darkness, and my stomach was churning and hands were shaking. What had Cole come here to do?
We emerged to the shrieking shack, to find a table over-turned and a couple of pills mindlessly scattered on the floor. "You said St Mungo's is sending people, right?" Sam said to Gennie, and she nodded. "I'll go see if they've arrived yet. If not, I'll take my bird there and get someone."
"Thanks." Gennie said, and then she turned to me. "Come on, he might be upstairs."
We found more traces of Cole as we went through the eerie house--furniture over-turned, holes in the plaster and more scattered pills. There was no noise that indicated Cole was here at all.
"Maybe he's not here." I said to Gennie.
But then a choking sound came from down the corridor, where we had first met Sirius--which seemed like a thousand years ago. Gennie let out a cry, and sprinted down the corridor.
I followed her, a bad feeling in my gut. And as I skidded into the room, I realised it was bad. So bad.
Cole was slumped against the bed frame, the broken box from his sister in hand. He was so pale, his lips almost blue. Vomit was all down his front, and his eyes were barely open.
Gennie let out a cry like a strangled animal. "Cole!"
She rushed to his side, and I followed. She placed her hands on either side of his face. "Cole?" she whispered. "Please, don't leave me."
Cole just stared at her without really seeing her. "It's working." he mumbled, a twisted smile coming onto his face, before he threw up again.
"No, it's not going to work--you hear me?" Gennie shouted, wiping the vomit from Cole's mouth. "We're meant to be together forever, remember? We're going to get married and have hundreds of cats and be happy. Remember?"
Cole smiled that strange twisted smile again. "A dream... A dream.... A dream I couldn't have."
"Where the fuck is Sam and St Mungo's?" Gennie shouted to me, her face looking broken. "Watch him with your life, Rory, I'm getting help."
She stumbled to her feet, and I went over to Cole. He whimpered, and held onto his stomach, feebly falling onto the floor. "Hurts."
I pulled him onto my lap, and stroked at his hair. "Shh, sweetie, it's going to be fine."
"Will I die, Rory?" he whispered, sounding like a little child.
"No." I choked out, hoping it was true. "That will never happen."
"I want it to." Cole whispered to himself, and then his eyes flickered shut.
"Cole?" I said, and he didn't say anything. "Cole? Cole, don't mess around, I'm begging you."
He didn't respond. "GENNIE!" I screamed until my lungs hurt. "WE NEED HELP!"
I could hear lots of footsteps coming, and I held Cole close to me. I could hear the faintest of heartbeats, so fragile it could break.
"You can't do this, Cole." I whispered angrily, tears blinding me. "You aren't fucking allowed to die. You're meant to be the one who never dies on me!"
A strangled cry came from the doorway. I looked up to see three St Mungo's workers, flanked by Gennie and Sam. "HELP HIM!" I screamed to the workers. "PLEASE!"
They rushed over to me, and pulled Cole from my grasp, his unconscious body lulling under the weight. "It's a code 170," one of them said. "Tell all of the healers with muggle healing to be ready."
One of them disapprated, and then the other picked Cole's legs up. "We'll send somebody along for you now."
"No!" Gennie howled, sounding hysterical. "I can't leave him, I promised I'd never leave him!"
"Less than a minute." One of them promised, and then they disapprated.
Gennie collapsed to the floor in tears, and Sam pulled her arms around her. She was impassive, her jaw taut and eyes hard. Before I could even consider breaking down as well, another St Mungo's worker appeared.
"Hold on." they said, holding out their arm.
The three of us latched on, and then with a numb feeling of going through a tube we were gone. We re-appeared in a corridor, much like a muggle hospital.
They were placing Cole onto a stretcher, an oxygen mask over his pale face. You could see a faint breath fluttering in the mask, but it wasn't much.
"170, everybody!" one healer shouted, starting to push Cole down the corridor. "Suspected over-dose on muggle medication, straight to emergency surgery!"
A crowd of them hurried off after the stretcher, leaving the three of us alone. "What do we do now?" I whispered, my voice hoarse.
"We wait." Sam said, her voice shaking. "We wait for him to hold onto life."
"What if he doesn't?" Gennie whispered.
"He's Cole, he always holds on."
* * * * * * * * * * *
A/N I'm sorry. So sorry for that chapter. But repeat: COLE IS NOT DEAD. COLE IS NOT DEAD! This attempt on his own life is a breaking point for him, and make him realise that he needs to get better.
If any of you are pissed at why Sam isn't breaking like Gennie and Rory, well she went through a lot when she was a death eater. She had to watch and do awful things to people, and therefore isn't affected like Rory and Gennie.
As for the condition Cole has... Well it'll be revealed next chapter, but some of you might have guessed already. We'll also end up meeting his mother and Alia's twin, Camille.
I just want to say that I care about you all a damn lot. I don't know any of you personally, but please, if you ever need to talk or are going through any of the issues I've touched upon in this series, don't hesitate to private message me.
I don't want anybody to ever think they aren't worth it, or suffer along. I am always here for you all. You are more than simple comments, votes and reads--you are people who I genuinely care about and make me smile stupid everyday. To quote my favourite drummer Ashton Irwin: 'Every single one of you are extremely important, to more people than you think.'
P.S Was I the only one to get emotional over a lantern? Also, kudos to anybody who understands the lyric reference in the title, you are my new best friend.