Seth
My face is burning as I scamper up the stairs. I can't believe that just happened. Any of that!
I told him everything. I was finally able to tell Joshua everything he's missed, or at least, everything I could think of in that short frame of time. (Gosh, it felt like hours, though.) And he listened! He listened to everything and he actually seemed interested!
Best of all, he wasn't upset about Rebecca, not like I was afraid he'd be.
And that's not even getting started with the kiss. Good gracious, the kiss. I kissed him! I actually kissed him! I still can't believe it. I feel jittery all over still, and the sensation of kissing him felt way better than I ever imagined it could.
My bedroom is still dark as I burst into it, and I make a beeline for the bed, flopping down on it face-first with a grin I can't manage to wipe off my face. I'm just... so happy. My chest feels all light and airy, and I wrap my arms around a pillow, squeezing it as I bury my face into its fabric. I feel like if I don't hold onto something now, I might just up and float away.
But... was it a good idea to have run away from him? Should I have done that? He probably feels so confused now, and oh, I didn't even ask him if I could kiss him! I should have done that first! I was so caught up in the moment, I didn't think, I...
"Oh, is he upset with me again?" I groan against the pillow, and my good mood begins to churn and conflict with worry. "I've made a mistake..."
As much as I wanted to take his face and kiss him, now I'm not so sure if I should have. Will this make things more awkward for us? I should have stayed to see his reaction more. Now I'm just going to have to wait and see if he comes upstairs, which he might not now, after that...
I groan against the pillow again, gripping it tighter as I cringe in on myself.
My inner turmoil is only interrupted by a sound from downstairs. I still, and I look out into the darkness of the room around me as I try to listen. Faintly, over the sound of the rain pattering against the window, I can hear footsteps on the stairs.
Joshua. I immediately think.
I strain to listen to his movement: it's hesitant, almost pensive as he takes the steps one at a time. I can do nothing but lie here and listen anxiously, and to my surprise, by the time Joshua has made it halfway up, he's taking them two at a time, rushing up them and into the hallway. He's loud now as he hurries down the hall, unmistakable and not stealthy at all. As he comes wheeling into the doorway of the bedroom, I sit up, wided-eyed as I blink at him.
What has him so rushed?
"Seth!" He exclaims in a gasp, sounding all but breathless. "I..."
He stands there in the doorway, floundering for what to say. As I watch him, all my conflicted emotions well up inside me until I can't hold them back, and they all bubble out of my mouth.
"I'm sorry for kissing you!" I blurt, flinging my legs over the side of the bed, ready to stand up and plead my case. But it never happens. I freeze as I see Joshua's expression.
It's like I've slapped him; Joshua's eyes widen as he hears what I've said.
"What?" He whispers, and my spirits sink even lower. Was... was that not the right thing to say?
"I... I should have asked you! Before I... before I..." I'm stuttering over my words, and Joshua is stepping into the room.
There isn't much space between the doorway and the edge of the bed, and it takes only two more steps before he's in front of me, and I find my voice dying on my tongue as I look up at him. Though his eyes are on me, they're unfocused in the dark, as though he can't really see me as well as I can see him. There's a small furrow between his brows, and he's pensively chewing his lip, thinking about something. What?
"Joshua..?" I ask, my voice slightly more tremulous than I mean for it to be.
This seems to snap him out of whatever he's contemplating, because he blinks, his eyes focusing a little more.
The furrow doesn't go away, but he stops chewing his lip to say, "I'm not sorry. That you... I'm actually..." His voice catches. I can no longer hear the rain over the sound of my own heart thumping in my chest as he lets out a shuddery breath and leans a little closer. "Thank you." He says softly, tentatively reaching a hand towards my cheek.
Oh.
I find myself holding my breath as he inches closer, his knees brushing mine as his other hand finds a place on my shoulder. His eyes search mine, before lowering and darting away, almost self consciously.
Is he going to..? Is this what he's..?
The questions, the idea that he might, has me shivering with anticipation, and when he meets my gaze again, I almost find my answers. He's leaning down further, and my gaze darts to his mouth.
His right hand is hovering just beside my cheek, and the moment draws out longer than I want it to. I just want him to make a decision. Please. Joshua.
But I can't find my voice, as though it's been stolen from me, and I can only wait for him to do this himself.
His face is inches from mine now, I can feel his shaky breath on my lips, and I have to bite back a whine. His gaze darts back up to mine, and he hesitates.
"W-wait, I..." He begins, and I want to groan with frustration. I want to take his face in my hands again and kiss him just as I did before. Maybe longer this time. But I can't force him.
He sounds almost nervous as he says, "You mentioned... asking. Which... I... Sundo, can I kiss you?"
My eyes widen at the question, and my heart trips over a beat or two. Oh, God.
"Yes." I breathe eagerly, reaching up with trembling fingers to grasp the front of his shirt. I tug him down somewhat, and I can't keep all of the whine from my voice as I add: "Please."
And it's all he needed. I'm almost startled by how quickly he complies, as the next moment, his lips are crashing to mine. His eyes are squeezed shut, and in my surprise, I have to remember to close mine. As they flutter shut, I lean up into him, holding onto the front of his shirt like a lifeline.
His hand on my shoulder comes up to cup my jaw, and finally, finally, his right hand comes to hold the side of my face. His touch is so gentle, as though he's afraid that I might pull away from him at any moment, hurt by his touch. I want to show him so badly that that isn't true, that I want him to touch me.
I feel an odd jitteriness and airiness all at the same time; my face feels warm again all over, like I'm burning up. Joshua pulls back an inch, letting out a shaky breath. He comes to rest his forehead against mine, and I feel his thumb brushing over my cheek almost without thought. When I open my eyes to look at him, I find him just as flushed as I am, though half of it seems to be sheer embarrassment.
He looks at me with a question in his eyes, and I can't help it. I smile at him. The widest, happiest grin that all but hurts my cheeks, because I am just so happy right now. I'm overflowing with the feeling; I can hardly contain it!
Joshua kissed me. He kissed me!
I hear him give a weak little chuckle, and he glances downward, flustered.
"I..." He doesn't seem to know what to say. When he brings his eyes back up to mine, there's this odd mix of desire and reservation in them. I don't know what to make of it. But I do know what to say.
"Do it again." I tell him, tilting my head forwards to nudge my nose against his.
He gives another laugh, but this one is less embarrassed, less awkward. It's genuine, and he gives a curling little smile.
"Okay." He whispers, and leans in to kiss me again.
I'm practically shivering with my excitement, and I'm smiling against his lips. I can't help it. I tug at his shirt again, maybe a little harder than I intend to, because he stumbles forwards a step, so that his knees bump against the side of the bed. My knees come to rest on either side of his hips, and I feel his little jerk of surprise as he realises this.
When he moves to pull back again, I chase his mouth, taking his lips again in a kiss of my own. Instead of just one kiss, it turns into a series of many small ones as I move in again and again. I can feel his face growing even warmer, and I know he's more embarrassed than before, and I love it.
I tug at him again, leaning back this time, and I'm able to feel his gasp as he comes tumbling forwards. As we flop back onto the bed, I laugh as he lands sputtering on my chest, pushing himself up almost immediately to file some sort of complaint. Just as quickly, however, he seems to forget what he wants to say as he looks down at me, beaming up at him.
"You look really beautiful..." He murmurs, as though without thought.
I feel my grin grow even more bright, and there's this feeling in my chest, like an aching, but it's different than all the other aches I've felt there. It's like a happy ache. I've never felt this happy in my entire life.
"Do I?" I can't stop myself from humming, and to be able to watch the look of mortification cross Joshua's face as he realises what he said— wonderful.
"You do too." I add happily, and he has to look away with a different kind of embarrassment. He's come to sit on my hips, though I don't think he's aware of this until I trail my hands up his thighs, brushing up his sides in a way that makes him shudder.
"You can see me in the dark?" He asks, still keeping his gaze firmly rooted somewhere other than my face. I find I don't mind. I've already gotten so much from him, and the fact that he's still sitting here is enough.
"Of course I can see you. I can see you pretty well actually. I'd feel awfully cheated if I couldn't." I say, and I give his side a squeeze. He makes an "mmm" sound in response, and it almost sounds like a groan. "You can see me?" I ask.
"Well, yeah. Your eyes are so bright..." Joshua mutters, finally looking back at me. "It's weird." He adds in a grumble.
I feel a little fluttering in my chest, and I smile.
"You like it." I say cheekily, and it's not a question.
Joshua chokes, and then sputters something I can't make out. I don't try to, for I'm too busy trying not to laugh hard at the expression on his face.
"I'm teasing you, it's alright." I coo, soothing my hands over his sides, and for some reason this earns me a little glare. I don't mind that either, really; in fact, it only makes me grin wider.
"Come here," I say, wiggling up a bit on the bed so as to be laying all the way on it. Gently, I tug at his clothes again, and with only a little reluctance, Joshua follows. He moves so that he's no longer sitting on me, but rather leaning over me, and I casually loop my arms around his neck.
Smiling up at him, I say, "Kiss me again."
Joshua snorts. "You're so direct." He mutters, but it must not be a complaint, because he's leaning down the next moment, catching my lips up in his all over again.
He's still so gentle, careful, as though he doesn't fully know what he's doing. Which I kind of like, because really, I don't know what I'm doing either. I'm just moving my mouth in a way that feels right, and it must feel right for Joshua too, because he doesn't stop us.
His forearms press into the mattress on either sides of my head, supporting him, while I'm able run my fingers up into his hair. I feel one of my sharp canines catch on his lower lip, and I tense up, a bout of worry overcoming me, but I don't taste any blood. Instead I feel a shiver run up Joshua's spine, and he presses against me more firmly, deepening the kiss for the first time.
Even as he does so, he's pulling back a moment later.
"Sundo..." He murmurs against my lips, and I lean up into him.
"Mmm..." I hum into the kiss, my eyes still closed. For some reason, his shoulders feel tense under my hands, and he's pulling back again.
"Sundo..." He says between my kisses, and I'm too lost to realise he's trying to get my attention. "Sundo... Mmpf, Seth!"
This time he tugs his head backwards, and I gasp, finally letting go of him.
"What?" I yelp, finally feeling embarrassment creep up my cheeks.
Looking up to his face, I find he's wearing a completely different expression than he was before. That crease between his brows as returned, and his hands on either sides of my head tightly grip the bed sheets. For some reason, I find myself anxious to hear whatever he has to say.
"Seth... Maybe we shouldn't... do this." He says quietly, his voice no more than a murmur.
It's like he's dropped a stone onto my gut.
"What?" I whisper, more softly than before.
"I said..." His voice hitches, and he shakes his head. I can see the storm of his thoughts tumbling in his mind, and I sit up, allowing him to slide into my lap. He doesn't try to stop me as I move to tentatively grasp his waist, and his own hands are clenched near my shoulders.
He bites down on his lower lip, and even though he must know I heard what he said, he repeats himself, "I said maybe we shouldn't."
I try and swallow the lump that's suddenly catching in my throat. "Don't say that..." I plead quietly. I hold him tighter and he begins to tremble, just slightly, though he adamantly tries to keep his expression even.
I grimace at the sight, and I lean in, pressing kisses anywhere I can try to reassure him. His cheeks, his nose, his forehead. Everywhere I've ever imagined kissing. And it only seems to make his trembling worse.
"N-no..." He croaks, shaking his head again, keeping me away.
"Shh..." I whisper, feeling anxious to console him. But he pushes at my chest, hard.
"No." He says louder, his voice cracking. "Seth. C-can we really do this? Can we? Seth, after everything, after everything..."
"We can." I tell him, though I don't sound as sure as I want to, as I need to. Can we? I think for a moment, but then violently I shove the thought away. We can.
I try to take Joshua's face in my hands, to have him meet my eye, but childishly he keeps shaking his head, and he's saying, "No, no... I don't... Seth, I don't deserve you." He hiccups, and he's struggling in my arms all of a sudden, trying to pull away, and it makes my heart ache.
"That's not true." I insist, trying to hold on to him, but he's not listening to me, not accepting me trying to soothe him or shush him.
"I don't deserve this." He says, finally breaking from my hold. He gestures between the two of us, and I see him sniffling now. I see him trying to hard to stop it, to hold back the tears, and I can see it's a losing battle. The sight has the ache in my heart worsening, and it feels like it's breaking.
Joshua clambers from my lap, onto the bed, and I still reach out to him. He's shaking, murmuring the whole while, "Your face, Seth. Your face. I..." He gestures to me and I catch his hand, pulling him towards me.
"What about my face?" I ask, unable to keep the hurt from my voice. Does he not like it after all?
"It's... I..." His chin wobbles, and I slowly bring his hand to the left side of my face. As his fingers brush against the tender skin there, another hiccup escapes his lips, and the tears that have been shining in his eyes finally start to well up.
"I hit you." His whispers, his voice barely audible. "I burned you, and I've hurt you so much... I can't... Sundo..." His face crumples, and he tries to pull his hand back, to hide his tears as they begin to fall, but I don't let him.
"Joshua..." I whisper, feeling a million words to describe what I want to say, but unable to choose the right ones.
"We can't do this..." Joshua whines, rubbing furiously at his eyes with the hand I'm not holding captive. "We can't be this. We just... we..." He's choking up now, struggling to find words of his own.
"That's not true..." I try to insist again. "Please. We can, we can." Doubt is beginning to choke my own voice, and I find myself for a moment trying to convince myself as much as I am him. I can't see him like this, I can't bear it. I desperately shake away any feelings of uncertainty, reaching out to take Joshua's face in my hands.
"We can, Joshua." I tell him as he looks at me with those watery eyes. "It's up to us. We're the only ones who can decide what we are. We get to decide. Do you understand?" I rub my thumbs over his cheeks, tracing away some of the wetness.
That lump in my throat just won't go away, and I know if he cries anymore, I'm going to start crying, and this isn't going to work. I can already feel them pricking the back fo my eyes, and I try to forcefully blink them away.
Looking Joshua straight in the eye, I tell him, "Joshua, I love you. And nothing is ever going to change that."
If Joshua had been getting a handle on his tears before, he's totally lost it now. They spill down his face, and he pulls away from me to rub his hands against his eyes, sobbing in tight, choked sounds. He wants to stop, I know, but he can't, not now, and I understand that.
Reaching out to him, I pull him into my arms again, and he lets me. He buries his face into the crook of my neck and cries hot, ugly tears that wrack his whole form. And I hold him all the while, murmuring over and over again, "I love you, I love you, it's okay..."
Eventually when his sobs die down, he sniffles against me, having long ago wrapped his arms around my torso, holding tight. He's quiet for awhile, and I don't try to pull back or move him until he's ready. What surprises me is what he says, when he finally does say something.
"I— I-I love you too." He murmurs against my skin, so quietly that I almost miss it.
But when I do realise what he said, my eyes grow wide. He must feel me stiffen with surprise, because he pulls back to look at me, rubbing his eyes and his cheeks only slightly bashfully.
"I do... I— I love you." He says again, only slightly louder now that his voice isn't muffled.
I'm only a little speechless. And that ache in my heart flips all over again and I swear it can't be healthy, but it's so good. The happiness fills me up until it's bursting out of me in a smile so wide it beats all the others.
"I'm so happy right now, hearing you say that." I admit, and Joshua laughs, actually laughs. It's small, but it's strong and genuine and it only makes that happiness grow further until I feel like even that too I can't bear.
I don't know what to do with it, so I surge forward, surprising Joshua as I take his face in my hands again, pressing kisses everywhere I can manage to get access too, and he squeaks at the onslaught. The most kisses go to his reddened cheeks and his still-damp eyelashes, and he struggles against me with embarrassment.
"Stop, stooop!" He groans, but he's laughing all the while, and I grin against his skin.
Even as I smile, I hear his shaking voice in my head again. Can we? Can we? I don't know if I'll ever be able to forget it.
It's true. We've done some awful things to each other. Things that we can't undo. But I stand by what I said: The only ones who can decide whether or not we can be this is us.
This thought I hold onto when I take Joshua's lips in mine again, and when we finally settle down to sleep, still wrapped up in each other.
We hadn't even noticed when the rain stopped, some time ago.
.
.
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The kissing chapter. My favorite one, finally.
This chapter makes me so happy in so many ways. Asking is important, btw!
As always, please leave a vote or a comment with your thoughts, those always make my day! Thanks for reading, and have a wonderful day/night!