Renata had convinced herself that the results of the previous night not working out was a clear sign that it wasn't going to happen between her and James at all. She figured that the wine had done most of the talking, working James into an aroused state, and it just so happened to be that she was the only other person around at the time. If it had been another woman, she was sure that something similar would have pursued, maybe something beyond what she was willing to do with him in that state.
In her eyes, James had been at his most vulnerable with the alcohol in his system and even though she wanted to give in to his kisses and possibly even more if he had woken up feeling regret, she would never forgive herself. While James really hadn't spoken of Lily in the recent weeks, she had a feeling that James was still in the mindset that there was no one else but her for him. She wasn't upset by that, in fact, it wasn't her busy as she was not the one who was widowed.
If James chose to never pursue another relationship after Lily's death, he was certainly in his right to do so and Renata would still support him. She didn't care if she wouldn't be able to pursue him romantically because James meant more to her than just a simple crush and he was something beyond her employer. She would have liked to just give him the title of friend, but she had a feeling it went beyond that as well. The way she cared about him and about Harry, it was different from anything she had ever experienced before.
There was a way that she loved her parents, the way she loved her brother, and her extended family and friends. But there was something special about James and Harry that they succeeded in being granted their own category. No matter what, she always wanted to be there for them in any way that needed.
Yet, Sirius was trying to convince her not to give up so easily, that she definitely stood a chance with James. She just had to try again and she had to try when James was sober, then she would get her true answer. But with the pain, she already felt about James not remembering what he said the night before, Renata wasn't sure if she was strong enough to handle rejection again.
Of course, she had been the one to place her hand over James' mouth and reject his kiss, but that was only because she wanted to make sure that if he did kiss her that he meant it and it wasn't just because of some drunken fluke. However, with James having no recollection of anything besides the beef wellington, she didn't take that as a good sign.
If there had been something there, something at the surface, wouldn't she have seen it the next morning? He acted no different from the previous days as if nothing happened and that left her feeling plenty discouraged. And Sirius could offer all the encouraging words he wanted to but unless James came flat out and confirmed it all, it didn't do her any real good.
"I shouldn't even be spending all this time focusing on this matter to begin with," Renata told Sirius as they remained outside, " I didn't take this job with the hopeful outcome of dating him. I came here to offer my support and help in any way that I could. That's what I need to focus on."
"It doesn't hurt to put yourself first sometimes," Sirius replied, " you and your brother seem to neglect that idea a lot. It's great that you two care so much about other people and how they feel, but you want to talk about people destroying themselves. You and Adelmo are constantly sacrificing your own happiness. Do you two believe that you don't have the right to be happy unless everyone around you is?"
She didn't answer right away, only staring at him quietly before Sirius shook his head and continued.
" You both work jobs that involve helping other people, but what about yourselves? Why don't you put yourselves first in situations? It's alright, it doesn't make you selfish and even if it did, you have the right to be selfish when it comes to your own happiness. For Merlin's sake, you two don't always have to make the "right" choice, Ren. You don't have to be perfect-"
He stopped as soon as the word "perfect" left his mouth and he caught the look on Renata's face as she lifted her head up to face him. The expression on her face was unsettling because, for a moment, Sirius believed that Renata didn't understand the concept of not striving for perfection at all times. James had confided some things to Sirius about Renata's pass, such as the classroom and he was already a witness to the events that took place between him and Adelmo, who believed that it wasn't correct to be attracted to the same sex.
When James exposed the fact that their parents didn't approve of such things, Sirius was starting to piece it together.
"Is that it?" he asked her quietly. "Did your parents push the idea on you and Adelmo that you had to be perfect in the eyes of others in every little way?"
"No," Renata answered quickly, but she wouldn't meet his eyes anymore as she spoke, " just better than everyone else really. But that's just because it's a very competitive world out there, that's all. They just wanted to make sure that Adelmo and I would be well-prepared-"
"Well-prepared? You two are miserable. At least, Adelmo is because he can't be himself and you're afraid of ever saying the wrong thing as if someone was going to beat you for it. Both of you constantly have to do the right thing, be the right person for every person you come across, isn't that exhausting?!"
"I don't want to talk about his anymore," Renata replied sternly, " I didn't come out here to discuss my parents with you-"
"No, you came to me because you're upset with the situation. A situation you won't do anything about because you're afraid of doing something wrong. I can see it all over your face, you are absolutely terrified at the possibility of making a mistake-"
"And it has nothing to do with my parents!" she snapped. "It has to do with the fact that I don't want to lose him!"
The two of them fell quiet for just a couple of seconds before Renata continued with what she had to say.
"I don't want to lose him or Harry because they both make me very happy," she whispered. "I thought I was happy before, but it turned out I was probably just lying to myself. But I'm happy with this work, I'm happy with this life, even if it goes no further than what it is now."
"You could be happier though-"
"Or I could lose everything."
Left with the want of shaking her like mad, Sirius just sighed and decided not to argue anymore. He couldn't say anything without flat out telling Renata that James had confided in him that he liked her and was attracted to her. But he couldn't betray James' trust like that, so he had to let the matter go in that sense. However, it only left him more determined to speak with James to at least, hear his side of the story and how he was going to go about the situation.
Renata went inside without another word, forcing on the same happy smile that she gave everyone, pretending that nothing was wrong, even though she had been on the verge of tears just a few minutes prior. Sirius was worried about her, he was worried about Adelmo too. Initially, he had been furious with the way that Adelmo had treated him, but as he was getting more insight to the household that Adelmo had come from, along with Renata, Sirius didn't find himself angry anymore.
He found himself frightened at the possibility of learning anything else of Renata's and Adelmo's past.
James came outside shortly after Renata went in and Sirius had a feeling, he knew what they were going to be discussing as the door was closed over.
"Sirius, I need to talk to you about last night, I'm pretty sure I ruined everything," James told him, leaving Sirius to scream internally on the top step. "Everything was going just fine, but I was so nervous about messing everything up that I tried to settle myself down with some wine-"
"And you got pissed, right?" Sirius replied, leaving James to nod his head.
"I drank the whole bottle by myself I'm pretty sure, probably made a complete arse out of myself too. She was probably the one that helped me to bed last night, so I made a horrible impression there. I'm really sorry, I know you were trying to help by giving us the night to ourselves, but-"
"Then make it right," Sirius said as he grabbed James by the front of his shirt and holding him in place. "For the love of Merlin, make it right, James!"
"But how?" James questioned him. " What do I do? I'm fairly certain I did something probably weird or awkward last night. Kinda like the first time you and I got legless in Hogsmeade, remember? She's been giving me looks when she thinks I'm not looking and I can't describe that expression. Oh no, what if I flashed her again?!"
Before James could enter a panic, Sirius stopped him, by cuffing him lightly in the back of the head. "Calm yourself, man, I doubt that happened, " he said knowingly, " the last time you did it, she wasn't even able to look at you. So I think you're safe with that, but when it comes to answering your previous question, why don't you just ask her out on a date?"
James suddenly became still in every way possible and Sirius knew that he was probably trying to come up with every excuse not to go through with it.
"Come on, James," he said, " I'll watch Harry tonight, you can just take her out for a nice dinner. I'm sure she would love that."
Shifting his weight back and forth between his right and left foot, James shoved his hands into the pocket of his trousers, looking so unsure of himself. Sirius couldn't stand to see his best friend, his brother, looking so drained of his usual confidence. Back when he and James met in school times, James was the most confident person Sirius knew. In fact, it was James who had brought out the confident nature in him over the years that they spent together.
He owed a lot of his outgoing personality to James because he was always encouraging all the boys to be confident in who they were. Of course, in order to actually impress Lily, he decided to tone it back a bit because it was coming across as arrogant or too strong in some cases. But he was willing to do that for her, he was willing to do anything for her at the time, and now that Lily wasn't around, the old James was trying to make a reappearance, but he seemed too afraid.
He had lost himself, possibly even before Lily's death. The war had drained him, chewed him up and spat him back out onto the pavement with no mercy in regards to how it would be in the long run.
"I haven't asked anyone on a date since Lily," James admitted, " and that's when we were back in school. I think she only said yes just to get me to leave her alone finally."
"You say that but that doesn't make sense as to why she said yes the second time or the third," Sirius reminded him. "Besides you're not asking Lily out on a date, this isn't school times anymore, James. You're asking Renata out to dinner as an adult."
"What if she says no?"
"What if she says yes?"
Sirius couldn't force Renata or James to do anything but the offer was up in the air for him to babysit if James decided to ask Renata out for dinner. He decided to leave them for the rest of the late morning and afternoon, return to his own home and allow James to make the decision. As James re-entered the flat, he found Renata sitting outside on the back steps leading into the garden, painting her toes with some nail varnish.
She could have easily used magic, but she seemed perfectly content just brushing it all on by hand.
Harry, who was seated before her in the grass playing with his toys, which consisted of a toy train and car, looked over at what she was doing. He definitely seemed interested in whatever she was doing as he set his toys aside to observe. The nice teal colour decorated one of her toes and Harry liked the idea of painting again.
As she was hunched over, she suddenly found a little foot placed next to hers. "Paint?" Harry requested.
Looking up at him, Renata smiled as she raised a brow curiously. "You want me to paint your toes?"
"Yes!" Harry gave a very exaggerated nod of his head. "Paint!"
While she had no problem with Harry's request, she didn't think James would either, however, she wanted to be sure and as she turned to see if he was back inside, she jumped to see that he was in the doorway. She swallowed as she met his eyes, still feeling so torn up about the previous night.
"Um, do you mind?" she asked, pointing down at Harry's feet. "He asked, so I-"
"No, that's fine, go ahead," he told her. "I don't have a problem with it."
Seeing as they were actually talking to one another, James took it upon himself to come outside and sit beside her. He watched quietly as she quickly painted Harry's toes, the boy giggling as he wiggled them about marvelling at the different colours that she had chosen for him.
After he was finished in a relatively short period of time, Harry peered over at his father. "Daddy, paint?"
He pointed to James' shoes, a clear indicator that they were to come off so that Renata could paint his toenails. He was about to decline and just tell Harry that he would get his nails done at a different time, but since Renata had fallen silent again, he knew he needed an opener if he was going to ask her to dinner.
So without a word, he started removing his shoes, leaving Renata surprised as she watched him. He moved to sit in front of her in the grass, just like Harry and exposed his feet to her.
"Which colour do you think would go best with my eyes?" he asked her in a teasing tone. At the risk of looking ridiculous with the nail varnish decorating his toes, James didn't really care at that moment as he heard Renata laugh and saw a genuine smile return to her face.
"I don't know," she pondered for a moment, tapping her chin, " perhaps we should let Harry decide."
She held out the small selection and of course, Harry chose a bright red and if that wasn't bad enough, Renata came up with the best idea that Harry was going to paint James' nails. Apparently, if James had done something stupid the night before, this was definitely her way of getting back at him for it. Not that it mattered though because he was just glad to see Renata and Harry laughing, even if it was at his expense.
When Harry finished, not only were all of James' toenails covered, all of his toes looked as though they had been dipped in the blood of his enemies. However, Harry looked mighty pleased with his artwork and then decided that he was going to paint Renata's fingernails. She allowed him to do so as she held her hands out to him. Every so often, she would exclaim that Harry was doing such a good job and that he was such an artist.
Since Harry was feeling himself with all the compliments, he made his way back to James when he finished and requested to paint his fingernails.
As they both pretended to be so intrigued by Harry's artistic skills, James' mind wandered to the task of asking Renata out on the date. It was true, the last time he had asked anyone out was Lily and that was back in school. He asked her at any given chance he was given, even when he and Lily hadn't been on friendly terms. However, she actually did say yes at one point in seventh year. He figured he had been able to impress her as he had become Head Boy in his seventh year and she had become Head Girl.
All before that time, Lily was one of the few in the school that never seemed to be impressed by him, along with her friend at the time, Severus Snape, who was James' enemy. It started on the train back before their first year had even begun as James claimed he was hoping to get into Gryffindor and Severus had basically called him stupid for it.
From that point on, the two never got along and James' friends followed his lead of not liking him either.
Lily always took Severus' side though in the beginning, always claiming that it was James who was obnoxious and arrogant. She wasn't necessarily wrong at the time, James could look back and admit that there were many instances where he had been in the wrong. However, he never understood why Lily couldn't see that Severus was just as guilty in his actions. Severus was the one who was dabbling in the Dark Arts back when they were in school, he was the one who would follow James, Remus, Sirius, and Peter around hoping to find anything to get them in trouble.
He had been the one so set on proving that Remus was a werewolf and while Sirius had not been in the right to put Severus in danger or Remus' secret in jeopardy, it just showed how far Severus was willing to go to expose Remus.
And he had gone as far to call Lily a "mudblood" after she had gone to help him. It made James furious and he demanded that Severus apologise and yet, Lily had told James during those moments that she would never date him, that she would prefer the Giant Squid over him. That had certainly taken a jab at James' confidence but he honestly didn't think he was that bad at the time.
After all, he had wised up and when Sirius made the mistake of putting Remus and Severus at risk on the night of the full moon, he stepped in to save both. And while James thought that Severus would be thankful, he wasn't at all, in fact, he was incredibly bitter about the whole ordeal. And the enmity between the two never faded, both of them still hexing each other in the corridors when they had the chance.
When Lily finally agreed to go out with him, it all seemed rather out of the blue but James didn't care at the time, he was so thrilled that she had finally said yes after years of him asking and being told off. He liked to think that Lily had seen his growth, that she had witnessed him mature over time and that's why she had finally given him a chance.
James liked to think that he had left Hogwarts a better person than when he first started, even if he hadn't completely abandoned his old ways. But the war made him paranoid because it was still something that was going on in the background during the time where they were in school.
Did Lily sense that?
Did she sense she was going to be alone in the Wizarding World because she couldn't back to her family because they were muggles and already the strain on the family had been placed between her and her sister?
She was no longer friends with Severus who had been one of her only friends and longest friendship at school. Did she fear to be alone, is that why she had finally said yes?
"Mr Potter?"
A warm hand came to touch the side of his face as the soothing voice dragged him away from his troubled thoughts. Looking over, he could see Renata watching him, her usual look of concern on her face, meaning he had done something to make her worry. The smell of nail varnish was overwhelming, especially since her hand was that close to his nose, but James wasn't paying attention to that, he was just looking at her.
Wondering why she bothered to see if he was okay? He understood why she looked after Harry but didn't grasp the concept as to why she looked after him, especially with all the trouble he often caused.
Did it mean what he hoped it did? Did it mean that Renata liked him as much as he liked her and in the same respects?
"There you are," she smiled as their eyes met, " I was beginning to think that you were fading there for a second. It's starting to rain, we should head inside."
Peering up, James could see that the clouds had darkened drastically and the promise of the sun was definitely gone for the rest of the day. He quickly nodded and pushed himself up as Renata helped Harry inside. She was just about to go in when James called after her, just going for it as he rambled it all off as one word.
"Willyougotodinnerwithmetonight?!"