Joshua
"Are we really doing this?" I ask as Seth leads me into what I assume is his bedroom.
Not that we're sleeping together in that way, I know that, but this still feels so... bizarre. After everything that's happened today, I would never have imagined that this is how the day would end. With his fingers twined through mine, gently tugging me to follow him. With his bashful sort of eagerness, radiating from his every gesture.
It's even darker up here than it was downstairs, and still Seth doesn't turn on a light. I don't know how he sees where he's going at all; I can't see squat.
"Is something wrong with it?" Seth replies with a touch of concern, as though he's beginning to doubt himself. He looks back at me in the dark, and I can all but feel his frown.
"No, no. It's just... After what I... Today... You still want to..?" I struggle with the most tact way to say what's on my mind.
In the semi-darkness of the room, Seth's luminescent eyes are the most striking thing. It's almost difficult for my eyes to adjust to the rest of the darkness with them there; I can't look away.
He blinks at me for a moment, and then he seems to get what I mean.
"Oh!" He whisper-exclaims. I see his hand come up to brush against the side of his face, almost subconsciously, and he clears his throat, glancing away from me. "Well, yeah... I guess, I'm okay with it if you're okay with it." He looks back to me, catching my gaze. His gaze pours into mine and he whispers, "For what it's worth, I forgive you."
"Oh." I whisper. I don't know how to take that. I know I should feel relieved, and maybe part of me is, but for some reason, it doesn't make me feel much better. It just makes me feel guiltier.
"Th-thank you." I add, lamely, because I should.
I see his eyes crinkle with a smile. "Yup." He says, and I feel him tug on my arm again, causing me to stumble over some things on the floor as he pulls me to what I assume is the bed.
I think they're clothes, what I'm tripping on. I think all those dark shapes tossed haphazardly about the room are clothes. At least, I hope they are.
"Are these all clothes?" I ask as I almost trip over another one. I have to untangle it from my shoe. It's a shirt. "Where did you even... get them?"
"Ah, er, sorry about them being all over the place, I... Yeah. They're clothes. I uh, I sort of... Sometimes people in the neighborhoods around here like to put all their old stuff in their yards and driveways and let people come to take them, so I get most of them there." He explains, and I see his form sit down on the bed.
He pulls me down next to him, and I try not to be too awkward about it. The mattress dips under the weight of the both of us, and I find my hip pressed against his. A completely normal thing. And yet I still feel the point of contact searing onto my consciousness, and I can't ignore it.
Seth seems utterly oblivious to my tenseness, and he happily continues to chatter.
"One time an old lady yelled at me... I think maybe I took too much?" He gives a shrug, and his shoulder bumps against mine idly.
"Is that... Is that how you got that leather jacket? From a yard sale?" I try to hold the conversation as casually as I can. I still feel so out of place here, next to him on this bed, and I can't shake the feeling.
"Oh! Yes! That was one of my favorite things I got, though I'm sad because I think I've lost it now... But you noticed it?" He perks up, and I can't help but smile a bit.
"Well, yeah, I noticed it. It looked really good on you." I admit. I can practically feel him vibrating with glee at my side, at a little bit more of that awkward tenseness melts away.
Happily, Seth flops back against the bed, and I feel the mattress bounce under us. "Ah, I'm really glad." He hums, and I turn to look at him, chuckling faintly.
He beams up at me, his reflective eyes gleaming, and he grabs the back of my shirt to yank on it. I give a little huff, and allow him to pull me back to lie down next to him, horizontal on the bed. The air between us feels lighter, more relaxed, as though somehow things are different in the dark. It's like we're kids again.
Seth was right about the bed being comfortable; as soon as I lay back against it, all my muscles relax, and all the stress of today settles upon my limbs like weights. I don't think I'll be moving again for a long while.
Feeling his feline gaze on me, I look up to meet those eyes. In his gaze, there's this unshakable fondness, and my breath catches in my chest. After everything I've done to him, how can he still look at me with eyes so full of so much love? It's overwhelming, and I find myself getting lost in those mesmerising, unearthly pools of green, almost drowning in them.
The bed shifts as Seth pushes himself up on his elbow, looking down at me. I hold my breath. His gaze slips from mine, lower, and my heart gives a hard thump as I realise where he's looking. My body sings with tension, and I wait for him to decide, to move closer or to back away.
He sways closer tentatively, but then hesitates.
It's like there's this invisible wall between us, one made of everything we've done to each other leading up to this moment. One that neither of us can breach. In this moment, it's tangible between us, and I can see it in Seth's expression that he feels it just as much as I do.
Part of me urges me to surge up and take his face in my hands, urges me to ignore every other part of me that's hurting, to soothe that pain by pressing my lips against his. To take this kiss, because here, in the dark, I can.
I want this, I realise. I want to kiss him. It's a conflicting, aching want that hurts my very being, because I want it, even though at the very same time, I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid of what it might mean if I give into that want. What might happen to us.
Everything that we've done... It's not just a wall, it's a huge chasm between us. Gaping and bottomless, and I'm afraid of taking the leap across it.
My gaze is locked into Seth's, and my heartbeat is thundering in my ears. I can see the debate going on in his head at the same time that I'm struggling with myself.
I feel like my gut is eating itself from the inside out with my nerves right now, and I wait for whatever Seth decides to do. If he kisses me now, I won't push him away. I can feel that I won't.
Seth's lips part, and he lets out a shaky exhale. The air between us is fraught with tension. And then there's a growl, a high-pitched rumbling sound that pierces the atmosphere like a balloon dart.
Oh my God.
My face instantly burns up as my hands fly to my stomach, and Seth's eyes have widened. He blinks down at me, and then his eyes crinkle up with a grin.
"Was... was that you?" He asks, his voice quavering with barely contained amusement.
I legitimately want to die right now. My stomach actually just growled. Now of all times. What the hell?
"Yes..." I groan, crushing my hands into my face as it burns with embrasement, and I try to turn away from him.
"Are you hungry?" Seth asks, his voice now legitimately shaking with laughter.
Turning my face into the mattress, I try to think back to the last time I actually ate. I realise with another painful, mortifying stomach growl that it was this morning, when I hadn't even finished that apple.
"I'll take that as a 'yes'!" Seth laughs again at the sound, and I sink deeper into my despair.
"Come on," he's giggling, sitting up now. "Want to get something to eat?"
Warily, I sit up, keeping a hand pressed sullenly against my stomach. "You have food?" I ask, peering up at him. I guess I shouldn't be surprised; he has to eat too, after all.
"Of course! Come on, I'll make you a sandwich." Seth practically coos, and I feel my face warming with embarrassment again.
He's hopping towards the edge of the bed, and he leaps to his feet. Taking my arm, he tugs at me, and I groan.
"But... Wait, no..." It's so comfortable here... I don't want to move...
My stomach loudly protests this idea, however, and Seth snorts.
"Come on, Joshua. We can come back up here after!" He tugs on my arm again, and I groan once more, but I let him pull me into a sitting position.
I slide to the edge of the bed, and as Seth yanks me to my feet, tugging me towards the door, I realise that he could probably easily just pick me up, throw me over his shoulder, and go. I kind of appreciate that he doesn't. Still though, I don't think it's too far fetched to worry that he might yank off my arm in his eagerness.
"Alright, alright! I'm coming." I chortle as he all but drags me down the hall, still refusing to turn on a light.
I recognise the top of the stairs as we reach it, and I rest my hands on Seth's shoulders as we head down them. Something about the gesture feels childish, and suddenly I'm brought back to being eight years old. But this time the scenario is different. Instead of me leading Sundo down the steps to make him a sandwich, it's the other way around.
"I don't know what you ate, but it's gross. Come on, you're gonna eat human food from now on."
"Don't worry! I'm just gonna make you a sandwich."
The little voice is like a memory bubbling to the surface, and I'm glad when we reach the bottom of the steps, because I have to pause as a moment of nostalgic vertigo sweeps over me.
"Are you alright?" Seth asks, resting a steadying hand on my shoulder.
"I..." I let out a shaky breath. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just... hungry."
"Well, that's good. That's why we're down here after all!" Seth mirthfully flashes those sharp teeth, and something in my stomach flip flops. It's probably just 'cause the hunger. Yeah. That's it.
Gently tugging again, Seth leads me into the kitchen. It's more of a kitchenette really, lined with a cracked soapstone countertop and wooden cabinets, an island table in the middle. Positioning me at the island, he immediately moves to rummage through the cabinets.
"Would you like nuts in your peanut butter or no nuts?"
I feel the question like déjà vu, and it makes me feel weird. I shake my head again lightly, closing my eyes as I try to get that feeling in my stomach to settle. I think I really do just need to eat. My blood sugar's low, and I'm aware of that trembling in my hands now.
Plastic crinkles, and my eyes slip open as I look back to Seth again. He's pulled a bag of bread down from the cabinet, before moving over to another one in search of something else.
"Hey..." I murmur after a moment, seeking to chase off these redolent feelings. The quiet is beginning to stifle me. "So... Why don't you turn on any of the lights?"
"Ah." Seth pauses, and turns to look back at me. "The light bulbs don't work here." He explains, smiling at me in the light from the window. The moonlight spilling off the glass reflects off the metal of the sink, giving it an almost watery quality over his skin.
"Not anymore, at least. I don't know why they all stopped working, but here, you can see." He reaches over to a light switch nestled beneath one of the cabinets. He flicks it on with a click, and still the room remains dark. Not even a spasm of artificial light. He flicks it a couple more times for good measure, and still the room remains dark.
"Kaput." He says with a shrug. "I tried switching the bulbs out once, but no luck. I'm guessing the house is just kinda broken now."
"Oh." I murmur, and it occurs to me why this might be. It's an old looking house after all, so it's not too out-there to think the electricity bill hasn't been paid. As fantastic as Seth seems, I can't imagine he's figured out how to do that yet.
"How exactly are you... staying here?" I wonder aloud as Seth rummages around in the cupboards some more. "Because..." I consider explaining why the lights probably don't work, but even going over that conversation in my head is making me tired. I lean more heavily back against the island behind me. Maybe later.
"How am I staying here?" Seth reiterates after I trail off and don't finish. "Well..."
He stops what he's doing to blink into the dark depths of the cabinet he currently has open. When he whirls around to face me, he's got this apologetic expression on his face.
"I'm sorry, Joshua, I thought I had the stuff to make a sandwich for you, but I don't have the middle-food. Just the bread." He fidgets with his sleeves, tilting his head down in shame.
"What? Oh, no, that's okay, Sun-S-Seth." I fumble over the slip-up, heat flaring in my cheeks as Seth's bright eyes flick up to me.
I almost called him Sundo, I think. Now, what's the problem with doing that? I... I really don't know why I fumbled. Too many names, goddamnit. Just choose one.
Before Seth can comment on the stammer, I quickly add, "Don't worry about it. I'm hungry enough that I'd eat anything at this point, so just bread's fine."
I flash a shaky smile, and Seth seems to study it for a second too long before he flashes one of his own.
"In that case, sorry for making you wait!" He says, and pushes the bag with the half-eaten loaf of cheap white bread into my hands.
I don't mean to tear into it as fast as I do, but I can't help how my hands shake as I shove bites of bread into my mouth. God, it's relieving.
Note to self: always eat breakfast when you can.
I've made it through three or four slices by the time I glance up to Seth, and I find him watching me, leaning back against the rim of the sink with a odd little smile pulling at the corners of his mouth. He looks so terribly fond again, and it makes me slightly antsy. I don't know how I'm supposed to respond to it.
I advert my gaze, choosing instead to continue stuffing my face.
"So—" I say after swallowing another slice, when the silence, broken by nothing but the crinkling of the bag and my chewing, becomes too much for me. "You never answered my question. How exactly are you staying here? And... while I'm asking questions, how did you even get the money for this?" I inquire, holding up the bread.
Seth's dark brows slowly climb into his hairline. "You have a lot of questions. Well... I suppose that's natural, with the situation... I eum, I can answer all the questions you have, if you want. Though... your second one is slightly easier to answer. Is it alright if I start with that one?"
"Um. Sure." I say. I don't really care which he answers first, I'm really just curious at the moment.
"Okay... Well, hmm... How to explain..." Seth taps a finger against his lips as he thinks.
Slowly, carefully, he continues, as if afraid of explaining wrong or being confusing. "So, sometimes there are these signs up, and people ask for help. And if... If I go and find the address the people are usually really nice. There's this lady who lives maybe three streets over— she's kind of old, and she gives me money to come back every seven days to cut the grass in both her front and back lawn, with her lawn mower.
"There are also other kinds of signs: People give me money sometimes when I go and find their animals, like this one cat named Pebbles. She was hiding, and the man who put up the sign wanted her back." Seth's face brightens as he smiles at me. "She was easy to find for me. When I went to the man's house to tell him I'd look for his cat, I could smell her and so I followed the smell till I found her."
He leans closer, as though revealing the resolution to a crime novel as he says, "I found her in the park, under a tree root, with a bunch of baby cats. The man was so excited when I brought them all back, he made me food! And payed me more than he said he would! He was nice. Maybe a little lonely, I think."
This Seth adds as an afterthought, almost to himself. When he comes back to himself, he's smiling at me again. I can't help but stare a bit.
"What is it?" Seth asks, noticing my look.
"Oh, it's nothing really. It's just..." I take in a soft steading breath. "There's this whole world around you that I never knew. It's like I'm meeting you all over again."
Seth takes a moment to process this, his features unnervingly blank. Then he blinks, and his face lights up with the most beautiful smile.
"That's good, isn't it?" He asks. "That means I have so many stories to tell you!"
The reaction strikes something in me, and I'm touched by the thought. I smile.
"Yeah," I say softly. "That's true. Can... Can you tell me more? I'd like to hear."
If it's even possible for his smile to shine brighter, it does. And Seth tells me everything he can think of. He tells me about the market grocer who caught him stealing once, who now gives him old and misshapen produce that doesn't sell as a compromise. Seth says he really likes the grocer, because he's nice.
He also tells me about the old deaf lady librarian, Marge, who caught him trying to steal books, and whose solution was to teach him how to use the library card she gives him. Seth tells me about how frightening it had been when the buzzers had gone off on him that first time, and how sure he'd been that Marge was going to be furious with him, even when she wasn't.
He goes on to recount how often he goes the library now to read and to use the computers there, and how much he's learned now that Marge is helping him make use of the facilities there.
I don't know what kind of life I'd imagined Seth living, but it certainly wasn't this. The thought leaves me feeling slightly ashamed, because how did I expect him to be living? A lonely existence under some park bench somewhere? I don't think I ever really thought about it, and somehow that's even worse, because I never thought to ask Seth if he was doing okay. I only ever thought about how I was feeling.
I hold onto the island counter behind me tightly, listening to Seth with a painful weight in my chest. I feel so terrible for how I've been treating him. It wasn't fair.
He's so clever though. I can't believe I'd ever think he wasn't, because I can see now how he's forged this whole little life for himself. He started out with legitimately nothing, and he's figured out how to get by. Figured out how to form these connections with all these people; a network that stretches so much wider than I ever could have imagined was possible.
Somehow, I'd always been under the impression that Seth was terrified of adults. But he's older now, of course. It doesn't mean he's not still afraid of them, I don't know, but somewhere along the line he had to conquer that fear. And judging by the number of adults he's befriended in these stories, he's done so very well.
And if he can conquer his fear, well, fuck. I'll be damned if I can't as well. It is time I get over this. I will stop hiding behind my fear, using my trauma as an excuse for my actions. I'm deciding now, it's my resolution to be better.
I don't know if it makes me feel better, persey, for that clinging lump of ache in my chest is still there. But I'm glad to have this resolution to stick to now, to be better. If Seth can do it, I can do it.
.
.
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This chapter and the next were all originally one chapter, but as you can imagine, it ended up being long by Wattpad standards. So I decided to try breaking it up into two! The second half should be up soon ;)
(The song is I'll Be Good by Jaymes Young, and while it works for both characters, it's mostly for Joshua this chapter.)
As always, thanks for reading, and have a fantastic day/night. :D