FAITH POV: It's been about two months since Tim's diagnosis, and I'm still shaking. Whenever I hear or see him, I just think about how long he has left.
It's Christmas eve. The girls are aware that this is going to be their last one with him here... It kills me. He seems to be taking it better than any of us.
Telling the girls was the hardest thing I've ever done. Tim cried, which is uncommon for him.
"Hey girls, can we talk to you for a minute?" Tim says, calling the girls into the family room. Gracie and Maggie go sit down next to Tim, while Audrey curls up next to me. "Alright..." Tim says, looking at Gracie and Maggie sitting on each side of him. He then looks at me with desperate eyes.
"You girls know that we love you so much, right?" I say, trying to start the inevitable conversation.
"Yeah." Maggie says.
"Of Course." Gracie says, while Audrey nods.
"You know that I will love you forever, even after I'm gone." Tim says. The girls nod. He looks to me.
"Girls, Daddy's sick." I say. Tim's face looks worn. You can see this illness wearing him down. It kills me.
"How sick?" Gracie asks, sitting up with alarm.
"Pretty sick." Tim says.
"Are you going to be okay?" Maggie asks. Tim wraps his arm around her.
"That what we need to talk about..." Tim says. "People don't live forever. Nobody does. That's why you are supposed to live every day to its fullest." He says. "I'm not going to be here forever." Gracie leans against him.
"I don't understand." Audrey says.
"Dad, are you dying?" Gracie asks. Tim looks up at me with tears in him eyes. He's trapped.
"Yeah honey..." He says. Gracie starts to sob, burying her head in his chest. Maggie does the same. He wraps his arms around them and looks helplessly at me. Tears are rolling down my cheeks to as Audrey clings to me.
"How long do you have?" Gracie asks.
"A little less than a year." He says. Gracie start to sob harder, but Tim stops her. "But, listen to me honey. I'm going to make it the best year ever, okay? Your mother and I just thought that we should let you guys know. I know that this is a little hard to understand, but when you're older, it will make sense." He says.
The girls cried for hours, until they fell asleep. They've been attached to him ever since. Tonight we are sitting around singing Christmas songs and making cookies. The girls are smiling as Tim dances with them around the family room. Gracie's helping me cook. She stands next to me, looking at Audrey and Maggie dancing around with Tim while I scoop out the cookies.
"Why does Dad have to go?" She asks, looking up at me.
"I don't know honey." I say, looking at them too.
"I thought you said everything happens for a reason?" She asks. My motto always bites me in the ass.
"Everything does happen for a reason..." I say. "I just haven't found a reason for this yet..."
Tim has his guitar out and is strumming away as Audrey and Maggie fall asleep against his shoulders. Gracie has her head in my lap as I sing along to the song Tim is strumming. We finish the song.
"Dad, do you love us?" Maggie asks.
"Of course I do." He says.
"How much?" Audrey tests.
"More than the world." he smiles.
"You love me more though, right?" Gracie says, laughing.
"I love you all equally." He says, looking over at me. I smile and sigh. I don't want this to end...
Tim and I put the girls to sleep, which is always a struggle on Christmas eve. We slip into our bedroom, quietly getting in bed. Tim turns to face me. He's smiling and pulling me in closer to him.
"What?" I say smiling back at him.
"Oh nothing." he says. "I just don't want this to end, that's all." His smile start to fade as his jaw tenses.
"It's okay." I say, pulling myself even closer to him.
"I love you so much, I don't-" He starts to cry. I put my hands on each side of his face, and touch foreheads. He laughs a little, before returning to crying.
"Everything's going to be alright." I say. He nods, and puts his arms around me, pulling me in tightly.
"I'm so scared, honey. I'm not going to be able to see the girls, or even you." He says, voice crackling. "I'm not going to be able to interrogate their boyfriends-" I laugh a little bit, feeling my own tears wetting the pillow under my head. "or walk them down the isle..." he says. He takes a hard breath before wrapping around me, and sobbing. "What are we going to do?"
"I don't know." I say, sobbing too. He closes his eyes, and pulls me in for a kiss. I can feel the tears on his face.
"I love you." he says.
"I love you too." I say, rolling on top of him. He wraps his arms around my waist as I kiss him. I put my hands on the side of his head, pulling him as close as I can. I love him... I love him so damn much that it hurts and kills me inside. My hands take off his shirt, then begin to undo his belt. As I do so, his hand comes up and brushes my hair behind my ear. My breath is taken away. I feel almost paralyzed as he wipes my tears, then lays me down.
He begins to kiss my neck, while slowly taking off my shirt. I can't breathe. He slips off his own jeans before touching mine. He whispers to me.
"You sure?" I nod, lacking the air required to speak. He continues. He's the only man I've ever been with who knows how to make me feel like I'm the only woman in this world. I look into his warm brown eyes and brush his hair back.
I can't live without him...