When a child grows up, they learn how to share. To say please and thank you. To chew with their mouths closed, keep their hands in their pockets around breakable things. They learn how to emphasize, to understand body language, not to throw rocks. They learn to tie their shoes into bunny ears and say 'cheese' for the camera.
Marley learned all of those things, at some point or another. Most of them from her daycare and her school. She learned other, more unorthodox lessons from home.
One of them was: you're safest in a closet.
Jacobi Hoover, pale-faced, shaking her awake with brown eyes constantly darting around the room. Come on, Marebear. Come on, wake up! The fabric of her favourite blankie and her stuffed giraffe clenched between her tiny balled fists. Trembling. The biting pain of stepping on toys in the dark but not being allowed to make a sound. Curling up. Careful. Doors closed, the light making lines on her skin. Little flashes then. Most of them drowned out by hands clamped down over her ears, the rest buried so deep in her memories that she wouldn't know where to find them if she wanted to look. She was grateful for the gaps.
Marley's learned to shove her demons down so they don't haunt her daylight hours. But when she wakes up in the middle of the night with a sheen of sweat on her skin, her heart racing and her eyes darting around the same way his always did, the darkness from her childhood, from her father attacked her again and again. She felt beaten down by them like they were drowning her.
Marley curled the red quilt in her grip. She took deep, trying breaths before checking the analog clock on her and Gabby's nightstand. 1:37 am.
She only lasted one night.
Marley's gaze darted around the quiet room, save heavy breathing and the nature sounds from just outside of the window. Gabby always had this quiet snore which only came about for a little over an hour around midnight. She was making that noise now. Every exhale a quiet sound escaping from her throat.
Marley remembered the first night Gabby had seen it happen. It was between the summer of seventh and eighth grade. They'd had a few dozen sleepovers by then, and Marley was lucky that it hadn't happened sooner. When she woke up the next morning, it was to a hand shaking her shoulder and the soft voice of Mr. Collins as he stared at her balled up form, lying amongst a whole collection of comic books and a bin of stuffed animals.
It wasn't something she could control on her own, and she didn't want to see a therapist. If it happened, it happened. She'd sleep in the closet; it's not like it's such a big deal anyway. She sleeps alone, primarily lives alone, and the only other person she shares a room with at night is Gabby, who always kept the floor of her closet clear apart from a shelf of quilts and pillows in a discreet corner.
They never talked about it unless Marley herself brought it up, which had been maybe once in all of the years they'd known each other. Gabby didn't treat her any differently, another one of the million reasons why she loves her best friend to the moon and back.
Marley sat up, the urge she described as a clawing on the inside of her skin. Little scratches right beneath the surface. It was an insatiable itch in every sense; the only cure was when she sat in a closet and felt the familiar small walls circle around her like a bear cub in a den.
She shoved the covers off herself. She'd have to tell Gabby so she could help her keep this from their roommates.
There was no choice, no option in what she was going to do. If she tried to withhold the urge, it was almost like cutting off an alcoholic cold turkey. Marley has attemped to hold it back before but after about ten minutes, she gets the shakes. A cold sweat builds on her forehead. Her breathing shallows. She feels like a million spiders are crawling across her arms, resulting in constant scratching of them.
She doesn't know how not to do it.
Marley stood up from her bed on the lower bunk, almost hitting Gabby's exposed and hanging leg in the process. She grabbed her friend's arm and shook it, rattling the bed and whispering 'Gabby' over and over. Marley could feel the tingles in her fingertips starting to build as Gabby's head began to move. Her hair was covering her face, but she lifted a hand to shove it off, exposing a single eye rolling before it focused on Marley.
"Closet?" She grumbled. Marley nodded mutely.
She grabbed her quilt and pillow, darting towards the linen closet in the bathroom, unable to wait another second. Marley flung the door open, quickly burrowing herself beneath the lowermost shelf of towels and curling in her blanket like a burrito. When she was finally satisfied with her position, she kept the door cracked for when Gabby walked in.
After 68 seconds, Gabby's footsteps finally echoed into the room. A light swayed across the dark room as if it was a flashlight. Marley watched half of her through the crack in the door — she slid against the wall and sprawled her bare legs out. There was a clicking sound of her unlocking her phone and slumping backwards with a loud yawn.
"Gabby..." Marley began, feeling insanely guilty but also unable to move even if she wanted to.
She didn't look up. She knows that Marley hates being addressed directly when she's in a closet.
"It's you and me, Mar," she said sincerely, with all the certainty and steadiness in the world, "It's always you and me."
Marley swallowed the lump in her throat, reaching for the closet door with shaky fingers, shutting herself in and satisfying the demons inside of her.
-
"I'm sorry. I won't...I won't wake you next time."
Marley was watching Gabby sway on her feet as they walked to the showers that morning. But ever the selfless person she is, she hooked her free arm around Marley's and shook her head over and over.
"And what? Get caught sleeping in there? Marley, it's fine. I would've pulled even an all-nighter for you. In a heartbeat."
Marley winced at her words.
Gabby had stayed awake from about 2 am to 6 am. If Marley sleeps long enough, the urge fades, so when she was shaken awake at around six she was comfortable enough to go back to bed. But Gabby had to stay awake in all the time before then, Marley didn't. She felt so terrible; last night was the first in a while that she genuinely hated herself for her having this...condition? What exactly was it that she had?
"I, I don't think it'll happen again," speak it into existence, right? "it's been a while since I've had it."
It. A simple it. They almost never said the actual words, as if they were cursed mentioning it out loud.
"It's probably because we're in a new place. Or because your dad is in trouble right now. You'll get used to it, Mar. You know it's aggravated by stress."
Marley didn't reply as a group of girls went walking past them, giggling and snapping selfies as they went. Most of the cabin took showers in the morning, Marley noted. Probably because being damp in a black forest surrounded by mosquitoes isn't anyone's cup of tea.
"My brother called," Gabby spoke up once they were sure the other girls were out of earshot, "last night."
"Wait, you mean while I was sleeping?" Marley asked in surprise.
"Once at 2 am and four times after 3. I didn't answer, but mom and dad texted. Apparently," she ran a hand over her tired eyes, suddenly looking a thousand years older, "he went to some party, on a school night, and got trashed. Grandma was seconds away from calling the cops after he called her mumbling gibberish when he stumbled in her front door. Dad's considering a military school. A kind of boot camp to get his head straight."
Woah. "Seriously?" Marley was stunned, Mr. Collins must be pushed over the edge to be even thinking about military school. He's a teddy bear who loves his kids to death, and she can't picture him shipping off his son for a few years.
"Trust me. I'm in more disbelief than you are. He's-" Gabby's phone chimed so she dug it out of her pocket at the speed of light, wanting to be sure it wasn't a family emergency.
Marley was tensed up too, but relaxed when Gabby did, "You're kidding," she groaned, twisting the screen around to show Marley what was on it. On top of her lock screen — which has been a giant picture of Stitch from Lilo and Stitch for the last few years — was a Words with Friends notification from 'yourmomcallsmedaddy.' Ah. Leo must've changed his username.
"He's so freaking obsessed with this stupid game," Gabby muttered, unlocking her phone and accepting the game request anyway, "I seriously wish I hadn't shown him."
Marley nodded in agreement, not even bothering to check her chiming phone because she knew Leo had sent her the same request. While Gabby was ducked over her phone with her lips pursed, Marley stared around them as they entered the clearing, where like yesterday, there were lineups for the showers.
Her eyes instinctively searched for Aiden among the boy's line, not fighting the urge to roll her eyes when she saw that he and Leo had giggling girls leeching off of them. The same went for the beach party last night, but Marley left early.
-
"Hey, Marley? Where are you going?" Aiden's voice echoed behind her as she shook out her towel. Gabby was leaning against a tree by the entrance to the trail, playing on her phone while she waited for Marley.
She turned around and tried so freaking hard to keep her eyes level with his, even though his shirtless chest was right there, so close. She chanted 'I'm not like the other girls' over and over for more determination.
"I-I-to the cabin. Gabby and I are tired."
He looked over her as if searching for something. His eyes on her made her feel like he could see everything — all her secrets, right into her soul.
"Okay," he said finally, and it was right then that Marley realized he was perfectly sober, "I'll see you tomorrow then."
He shifted on his feet, and Marley felt this awkwardness in the air at the uncertainty of how to say goodbye to each other.
"Thanks, I mean, for the invite," she stammered, knowing she had to walk away, now, preferably before she decided to hell with not looking at his body.
"Yeah, of course. Always," Aiden replied, his voice wavering. He ran a hand through his hair and Marley had to shake herself off at his shoulders before she looked any lower.
Dammit, Aiden.
"See you," she rushed out, turning around to fast walk to Gabby, trying to pretend that she couldn't feel his eyes watching her until she hit the trees.
-
There was a curvy red-haired girl most obviously flirting with him. She had her boobs pressed up against the side of his arm, and was clinging to him like a koala. Leo was responding to the brunette in his arms, laughing at her and leaning down to whisper something in her ear with a smirk on his lips.
Aiden appeared uncomfortable, smiling briefly and then looking away as if searching for something, desperately. When his bright blue eyes locked onto Marley's, he looked like he could've kissed the ground at her feet. The redhead was being deposited beside him with as little contact as possible before he was fast walking over to the girl's line. Everyone around them hushed, but Aiden seemed immune to noticing the spotlight always on him.
"Oh thank fuck." He rushed, causing Marley to laugh out loud as he circled behind her, clamping his large hands down on her biceps and attempting to hide behind her. He poked his head out from her side, but it wasn't like he was genuinely hiding in the first place.
He's a 6'2 hulk of a human and Marley's barely 5'4. It was kind of comical that he even bothered.
"She was going for my crotch next," he said shakily as if scarred for life. His warm breath brushed across her bare arm, and she could feel goosebumps following in his wake as she shivered.
Marley watched the redhead look at her with total scorn and fury. "All of your groupies are going to hate me, you know," she pointed out.
Aiden ran his hand through his hair with a smirk. Marley tried her best to appear unaffected by how good he looked doing that. "It's so hard being so hot and so rich at the same time. I'm the whole package. Everyone wants a piece of me and it's tiring."
Marley rolled her eyes so hard she thought they'd get stuck up there, "You're so full of yourself. Get out from your parents' money before you brag about the latter."
Aiden smirked, ruffling her hair and causing her to swat her hand away with a growl, "I won't need my parents' money when I'm drafted."
Marley paused, looking up at him in confusion. He sighed, "I'm going to Notre Dame next year, they offered me a spot on their team."
Marley's breathing hitched for a second. Notre Dame University has one of the top football teams in the country. He made the team? Marley knew he was a good player, but she had no idea that he planned on seriously going professional, at a school like Notre Dame. Going to a college like that ensured that he'd have NFL teams, at the very least, considering him.
"Oh my gods, Aiden. That's...wow! Congratulations!" She whacked his arm, "And you didn't say anything?"
He shrugged, but his eyes were twinkling, "It never came up."
"So that's it?" She gestured to his lax attitude about being accepted into one of the most prestigious football colleges, "It's Notre Dame. Their team is...incredible! The facilities! The coaches! All amazing, Aiden. The players...you'll be on an incredible team, and you've been accepted early. They must've been impressed."
He swung an arm around her shoulders, but she couldn't care less about the watching eyes on her. She was still hung up on the fact that Aiden was so casual about Notre freaking Dame.
"Because I'm such an awesome player they had to have me,"
she shoved herself out of his arms with a scowl.
"You ruined it, officially."
"Well, it's the truth, no need to get your panties all in a twist sunshine."
She raised her eyebrows to her hairline at the pet name, "Sunshine?" She cringed.
He frowned, "I'm working on it. I'll think of something good. But," he waved a hand in the air, "I want to know about your plans."
She bit on the end of her thumbnail, "Brown has been the dream since as long as I can remember. There's an alum here, and I'm hoping for her letter of recommendation. It's difficult to get in without one."
"Hey," he soothed calmly, "I'm almost certain you will. I already know your average is high by the way you work in class. They'd be stupid not to accept you."
She released her thumb, letting Aiden's comforting words wash over her, "Thanks," she said gratefully.
"And when you get in, we're roughly a four-hour flight away from each other. Which isn't great by any means, but it's decent enough to fly you out to watch some of my games."
Marley's heart fluttered and then started to work overtime. She felt her cheeks begin to burn, "Aiden..."
"You're like a football super fan. You'd have great seats and exclusive access to the team. Huh?" He nudged his arm against her a few times.
Marley had to admit that'd be fricking cool. She'd never been to a football game before. Her parents were never able to afford that. But there were a million problems with his invite, not to mention the one where he's temporary, and he'll leave her before he even gets the chance to live up to his offer.
"I'm hoping for a full ride, Aiden. I'm not going to splurge on airplane tickets," she thought that excuse was sensible enough to shut this down because maybe the idea was too appealing to her. She'd be disappointed if she got her hopes up.
"Oh come on, cupcake. Do you think I'd make you pay? I know I'm not exactly a Prince Charming, but I'd like to think all of my chivalry hasn't died yet."
She wanted this to be over. She didn't want to talk about empty promises anymore, so she was grateful when Leo started calling for him. He'd held their place in the shower line, and he was now at the front. Aiden waved a hand at him before turning to Marley.
"Please drop 'cupcake,' Aiden."
His grin made her knees weak, "Alright, baby doll."
She cringed, wrinkling her nose in disgust.
"Can't you just call me Marley?"
Aiden shrugged, walking backwards for a few paces, "What would be the fun in that?"
-
"You know everybody's talking about you, right?"
Bree's words didn't even invite the smallest reaction from Marley as she plopped down on the couch next to her and Gabby. They were in the girls' cabin, having to wait for a half an hour for breakfast because of a delay.
"I'm not surprised," she threw her arms on the back of the couch, "it seems like all I ever do is get into drama lately."
"Aiden invited you to his games next year, at Notre Dame?"
Marley rolled her eyes, "It was a joke. By this time next year, he won't even remember my name either."
Bree sighed, "Well, all the girls want to make a voodoo doll of you now. Not only is he attractive as hell, but the gold digger in those bitches is trembling at the idea that he's going to be making NFL salary in the next four years."
"If he ends up there. He could get injured or decide he doesn't want to go pro. Aiden could even not make it. There are so many ways in which it couldn't work out. You can plan and plan for something, but sometimes it's not in the stars," she pointed out knowingly.
Bree shrugged, "I suppose that's true, but that doesn't change anything for those airheads."
Marley sighed, moving to stand after checking the time on her phone, "Of course it doesn't. They're only interested in the perks that come with his status and money. Not in him. They're groupies; it's practically their nature to chase that kind of thing. Now come on, let's move on from all topics that have anything to do with Aiden."
"Hard to do when I'm looking at him," Bree said as she swung open the screen door.
Sure enough, Aiden was leaning against the same tree he was at yesterday, typing away on his phone. Leo was absent, but the same redhead from before was trying to get the attention he wouldn't give her. Apparently by the way he wasn't even sparing her a glance.
Marley sighed at the sight which was starting to become familiar. He was wearing his classic grey hat on backwards, his ray bans over his eyes and his bag slung over his shoulder. Would she ever get used to staring at him? A girl can dream.
Marley and the girls walked over to him, watching him lift his head with yet another dazzling smile of relief.
"Well, I'll see you..." he pried acrylic nails out of his forearm, "hopefully not soon."
Marley covered her snort with her hand at his blatant dismissal of the girl, approaching them. This time, she was prepared for him to reach for her bag, dancing away from his hand, "I am perfectly capable of carrying my bag, Aiden."
"Well, you can carry mine," Bree threw her bag at him. He shrugged, throwing it over his shoulder. Marley felt something weird bubble in her chest, but she ignored it.
A victory chime came from Gabby's phone. That thing has had all her focus since the shower line, "Leo once again lost, miserably," she announced to Marley.
"Why does he even bother?" Marley asked, shaking her head. Gabby is the Words with Friends professional. She could probably beat Shakespeare with her eyes closed.
"Because he hates losing," Aiden replied, "He won't stop until he wins."
"Well, he'll have to get used to disappointment," Marley shot back, "I think I've won against Gabby twice."
"The second was my brother playing in the car when I fell asleep," Gabby said absentmindedly as she typed away on her phone, "doesn't count."
"Okay, then I've won against Gabby once. Leo doesn't have a chance."
Her voice died when they turned the corner and stared at the familiar backs of her fan club. Trish's loud giggles were like nails on a chalkboard as she walked underneath Jordan's arm. Marley felt Aiden's body heat against her side as he shifted closer to her.
"-she's a weak bitch, that's my point. I could pummel her with my eyes closed."
"Babe," Jordan spoke in an oddly soothing voice, "she's no competition."
And then she and all the girls proceeded to bash some girl who only ran into Jordan by accident. They were exaggerating it as she copped a feel or something, but Marley read between the lines. She knew the truth and felt bad that they were practically dragging this girl through the dirt.
"-fucking stretch marks all over her legs like she's a god damn zebra. Give me a break, that hoe thinks she can score anybody let alone my man?"
"I think if I had a few dozen shots I'd fuck her." one of the guys piped up, causing everyone to snicker.
"They're psychotic," Bree growled out, and it was then that Marley noticed Aiden, Gabby and Bree were all listening in too.
She was right. They're talking about a girl so horribly.
"You wrote it right?" Trish asked the short blonde beside her.
"Yup."
"How to die a virgin. Step one: Elena Harrington." all of the girls said at once, giggling ridiculously.
"Okay stop."
The words flew from Marley's mouth before she could even consider the consequences. They were body shaming, and it was disgusting. She'd feel like a terrible person if she stood by and said nothing.
Their whole group turned around in the middle of the trail. Trish crossed her arms, staring at them with amusement.
"Didn't think you were one to butt into other people's business." she mused.
"When you're talking about a girl like she's a hunk of meat, consider it all of our business," Bree jumped in, crossing her arms too.
"It's like you can't help yourself, Marley. It's like you think you have immunity to do whatever the fuck you want," Jordan took a step forward, and almost immediately Aiden was stepping in front of her.
"Fuck off," he snapped, "and she's right. You're all pieces of shit for saying that about someone."
Jordan let out a dark laugh, "Because you have such a stellar track record in that department, hm Matthews?"
Marley flinched. She knew Aiden wasn't the nicest person in the world, even before they met, but the reminder of his fuck boy tendencies still stung anyway. Aiden went quiet.
"Besides...you do realize that there's one of you and..." he turned to gesture to his buddies, "five of us, right? Your boy band isn't around to save you or your little princess this time, Matthews."
His fists balled, "You know I can take all five of you pipsqueaks out no problem," he took a step forward but didn't appear like he was planning to start a fight.
The idea that it was Aiden alone against five other guys made Marley extremely nervous. She glanced at Bree and Gabby to see they were also uncertain, eyes running over the group with barely concealed anxiousness.
"Why don't you get off your high horse, Matthews? You're no saint either. If you were, then I'd be the holy fucking trinity."
"Don't," Marley sidestepped so she could see past Aiden's back, "Why do you have to do that? All we were saying was that you shouldn't talk about a girl that way. And instead of backing away and realizing we're right, you're personally attacking us and trying to intimidate someone whose twice the person you'll ever be."
She could see Aiden's head snap towards her in her peripheral vision, but her eyes were locked on Jordan's calmly. Every word she said rang true, and she didn't regret any one of them.
"He has you so blinded that you don't even realize..." he was snickering with his friends for a second before he continued, "Aiden's no worse than I am, Marley. But he's also no better."
"You're wrong," she said steadily, "We all do bad things, but not all of us are bad people. You're a bad person because I'm sure if Aiden wasn't here you'd be doing more than talking smack to me. Your friends held Jason back, and you would've beat him beyond recognition if I hadn't stopped you. You and Trish scared everyone in the bus away from using the bathroom and threatened me multiple times ever since for standing up to you. I know who you are, Jordan, I'm familiar with your type. I'm not afraid of you, even though you want me to be," Marley, with all the confidence in the world, took a step outside of Aiden's protection, "because, despite the fact that you try to convince everyone otherwise, you're a coward. And that's all you'll ever be. So walk away or don't. Do whatever it is you feel you need to me to make yourself feel better. But remember no matter what that I see you. I see you, and I'm not afraid."
She wasn't sure what he was going to do but braced herself for anything. Aiden was frozen on the spot, and she didn't even turn to look in his eyes because she was in a stare down with Jordan. She knew that he was going to submit. Turn tail and walk away. She got to him, despite his best efforts.
"You're such a-"
"Trish," Jordan cut her off brutally, grabbing her bicep roughly, "Let's go." he broke their stare, and everyone else in his group followed his actions, backing away too. They were staring at their leader in confusion but didn't disobey him.
"That was badass," Bree complimented.
She stared up at Aiden, who was looking at her...speechlessly. She hated when he wore his sunglasses because she liked seeing the emotions in his eyes.
"He's a chihuahua who thinks he's a bear," she said, speaking with all the self-assurance in the world, "which means it only takes a slightly bigger dog to scare him."
***
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