I had never thought that I would be the person to let a man dictate the way I live my life, but in the weeks that followed, I didnt think twice about it. My grief for Lucifer had lessened, but only enough to keep me functioning. My life became a pattern, get up, shower, go to work or class, come home, and cry myself to sleep.
I was still staying with Chloe, and although she never brought it up, I knew she was aware of the fact that every night, horrible sobs would rip through me. I tried to keep quiet, for Trixies sake, but could only manage so much. My life revolved around work and school and nothing more. I didnt dare try to write, my mind too clouded with grief and anxiety to focus on creativity. I avoided anything that might remind me of him, staying away from music and television, movies ad certain foods. I think I would have starved had Chloe not forced me to eat, although I could barely stomach that either.
I avoided Jade like the plague, texting her and letting her know that I was just buckling down on things and that the one class I had with her was cutting into a prime working shift, so I would skip it and catch up online instead. She seemed to buy my lies, but I knew it was only a matter of time until she figured it out. If Jade could see me she would fly of the wall. It had only been about ten days since...the incident, but I had lost weight, a considerable amount.
I was miserable. Walking through the world as if I had no soul.
The only spark of life that seemed to come back to me was when Chloe's daughter Trixie was around. Her innocence and exuberance was a breath of fresh air and in the moments I spent with her, it was like I had come back to life momentarily. I loved that little girl, but even she could only do so much.
It was Thursday night when I got the text. I was sitting in Chloe's living room, textbook spread out in front of me, when my phone chimed. I frowned reaching over to pick it up and checked the screen.
Lorelai, we need to talk. Please meet me in an hour at my place
My hand flew to my mouth, unbidden tears coming to my eyes. The message was from Lucifer and my chest heaved. I had barely let myself think of him the last ten days, let alone remember anything that had happened between us. I shook my head, feeling the hurt spring up along with something else...hope. He wants to talk, I thought, maybe...maybe he wants to. But I didnt let myself finish that thought. If I started hoping that something could happen, I was inevitably setting myself up for more pain.
And I didnt think I could survive any more pain.
I sighed, closing my eyes and thinking. Did I go see him? Or did I ignore it? It didnt seem to matter whatever logical reasoning I could think of however, my heart was already pounding at the thought of seeing him. I missed him so much and although I knew he didnt feel the same about me, I desperately wanted to believe this meeting was going to mean something. With a resolve I had forgotten I had, I got up, hurrying into the bathroom. I stripped down and hopped into the shower, all the while trying to suppress the rising excitement growing inside of me.
* * *
Lucifer was seated at the bar of some upscale bar when his phone chimed. He pulled it out of his pocket, frowning as he saw the display.
Lucifer, we need to talk. Please meet me in an hour at your place
The message was from Lorelai. Over the last few weeks, Lucifer had lived in a constant state of buzzed. He had tried simply to forget about the girl, but like when they had initially met, he couldnt get her out of his mind. Her green eyes haunted him in his dreams. He heard her giggle everywhere and was constantly seeing women who resembled her. None were as beautiful, of course, but they resembled her enough to shake him.
His anger towards her had faded, leaving him morose. He felt truly and utterly alone and for the first time in his existence, felt no need to fill that loneliness with other people. It was sick, in a way, but he would rather feel this way then forget about her. At least the pain of losing her was keeping them connected. Still, he knew it wasnt right.
He asked Chloe about her constantly, and seemingly taking pity on him, offered him small updates, usually in the form of telling her she was fine. Or that she was at work or in class. He had her schedule committed to memory, so of course he knew that, but it comforted him to know she was going to class and work and that Chloe was taking care of his girl.
His girl that he had pushed away.
He had spoken to Linda about things, and Linda had chewed him out. She had extended their session, letting him know just where he went wrong. By the end of it, he knew that his behavior had been unacceptable and whether or not he believed Lorelai's proclamation, he shouldnt have said some of the things he said. Remembering her expression, the pain in her eyes and hurt that he had caused, ate him up inside, so to receive a message like this, well it gave him hope. Maybe she was coming to her senses and was willing to take him back. After all, she claimed to love him.
But did he want her back? A resounding yes came over him but he was quick to hold off on it. Did he miss her? Of course. Did he yearn to touch her and hold her? Absolutely. Was the thought of another man, any other man, touching her or kissing her enough to drive him mad with jealousy. You bet. But in the end, was he able to be with someone who loved him? Further more he wasnt sure how he felt. He knew he cared about Lorelai, but how deeply? Surely he coulnt...No. The mere thought of feeling the same way she did was preposterous, not to mention impossible. The devil didnt fall in love. Or does he...
Thoughts back to the task at hand, he allowed himself to be a little hopeful, inside hoping she would take him back. He downed the rest of his drink, throwing some cash down on the bar. He hurried out of the bar and towards his car, he needed to see her. Needed to at least apologize and beg her pardon, then maybe he could plead his case. Lucifer got in, starting the car. Okay, baby, here I come.
* * *
"Lucifer?" I tentatively walked into his penthouse , looking around the dim lighted space. It felt as if I was coming here for the first time and my mind recalled that my first visit here I had been just as nervous and fearful, but also a little excited. After getting out of the shower I had painstakingly gotten dressed. None of my clothes really fit me well anymore, but I was able to find a pair of jeans that didnt look horrible and a white tshirt that, once fitting my figure snugly, now hung loose. I let my hair fall down my back in its usual ringlets, letting it air dry.
When I was leaving Chloe had caught me. Her face furrowed with confusion, "where are you off to?" She carried a bag of groceries in her arms Trixie by her side and helping her put stuff away. "Um, I-" I glanced from her to Trix, who had stood up and now was watching me too. "Lucifer messaged me...he wants to...talk." I murmured quietly. Chloes brows raised and she moved to put the groceries down on the counter. Turning back to me she folded her arms over her chest, tilting her head to the side. There wasnt anything malicious in her stance, only caution and curiosity.
"So youre going to see him?" I nodded, wringing my hands together. "Do you...do you think I shouldnt?" I bit my lip. If Chloe didnt think it was a good idea then maybe I shouldnt go. After all I trusted her judgment, and right now we both knew my head wasnt thinking clearly. "I think you should. Lor, hes been just as miserable as you are since you two broke up."
"He broke it off with me!" I snapped. Chloe raised a hand as if to calm me down. "I know, but you know how he is. Maybe talking things through will, I dont know, give you both some solace at least." Trixie moved around her mom then, coming over to me and hugging me around the waist. My arms went around her instantly and I looked down at her. "Maybe you guys will get back together!" She said, her toothless grin lifting my heart. I gave her a small smile, all I was able to manage these days. "Maybe..."
"Trixie, babe, why dont you let Lorelai and me talk for a minute okay?" Trixie sighed, pulling away from me. She walked around us and over to her room, closing the door. I turned back to Chloe, biting my lip. "Just be careful and dont do anything rash. Call me if you need backup, okay?"
"Okay," she reached for me and I hugged her tightly. Chloe had really pulled through for me and I knew I owed her so much for it. I was just glad that her friendship with me didnt end once my relationship with Lucifer did. Chloe had let me go then and I had headed out, taking the bus over to Lux. Since I no longer had my vespa, I had been bussing around and ubering. My friends had offered me rides but only they could do so much.
Now, however, as I walked through the massive expanse, something felt off. "Lucifer? Its me..." I tried again, looking around the bar but seeing him nowhere. Something inside of me, my intuition, was rearing its head, warning me. I barely had time to acknowledge its presence though, or question why I felt that way, when a chilling click sounded from close behind me. "Make a move and youre dead," the voice whispered, cold and menacing. My back was to them and I froze, eyes going wide. "Put your hands where I can see them!" They ordered. I rose my hands in the air, feeling as if I was on some police show. That voice, it was familiar.
It was the killers voice.
I recognized it from the night of my attack, although then it had sounded blurry and hazy, most likely from my head injury. I began to shake, not knowing what to do. "Walk over to the far wall, and dont even think about trying anything!" They hissed, the nose of the gun suddenly digging in between my shoulder blades. The metal was cold and hard, fitting for a weapon specializing in emotionless murder. I walked slowly, my breathing increasing. With every step. Think, Lor, think! I could feel my body begin to panic, the barrel of the gun causing adrenaline to pulse through me at a rapid rate. "Wheres Lucifer? What have you done to him?" I said, trying to keep the fear out of my voice.
"Shut up! Did I say you could speak!?" They hissed. Their voice, so familiar, was striking up something in me. Recognition, but from where I wasnt sure. "I swear," I started, stopping when I reached my destination, "if youve hurt him-"
"I dont want to hurt him!" She hissed. "I want to hurt you, you miserable fucking whore!" Her voice hit a note and suddenly it clicked. I knew this person, this woman. Having heard her reach that pitch before, when she was once again frustrated and annoyed. I turned around slowly, coming face to face with her gun.
"Mandy?"