Illegal My Ass

By makeandoffer

34.6M 844K 478K

Mia Hastings was never one to follow the rules. Her brother knew it, her best friend knew it. Everyone knew... More

Illegal My Ass
Chapter 2- 'Your hands are exploring more than Dora.'
Chapter 3-'And why exactly did you beat down Crocodile Dundee over there?'
Chapter 4- 'You'll thank me when you wake up without herpes.'
Chapter 5- 'Dude, you actually have a mangina.'
Chapter 6- 'There is no finer art than pornography.'
Chapter 7- 'What are you talking about? I could so get laid in prison'
Chapter 8- 'You spoon raped me Hastings.'
Chapter 9-' You did NOT have sex in Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory.'
Chapter 10- 'And by it, I mean my metaphorical penis.'
Chapter 11- 'I'd rather shove Harry Potters wand up my ass.'
Chapter 12- 'Well done Mia, you beat the crap out of an old guy.'
Chapter 13- 'I'm not touching it Drake.'
Chapter 14- 'Oh nothing really, just making your grandchildren.'
Chapter 15- 'Be ready with the camera as soon as we hear trousers unzip.'
Chapter 16- Every man has a zombie plan.
Chapter 17- 'Isn't it my job to get you wet?'
Chapter 18- 'We drink like immortals.'
Chapter 19- 'Prisons changed you man.'
Chapter 20- 'Spooning always leads to forking.'
Chapter 21- 'All it takes is a bag of cheese balls to say I love you.'
Chapter 22- 'That was uncalled for...you pool table whore.'
Chapter 23- 'Shut up or I will never touch you again.'
Chapter 24- 'He's sat on a toilet, high & singing the Family Guy theme tune.'
Chapter 26- 'I don't want my family to think I prefer sausage to sea food.'
Chapter 27- 'You're right. It's not a date. It's a freaking Marriage.'
Chapter 28- 'And by elephant, I meant his massive hard on.'
Chapter 29- 'I didn't punch him in the throat. I think that went well.'
Chapter 30- 'Hold on, I forgot my sombrero.'
Chapter 31- 'Drake, did we make babies last night?'
Chapter 32- 'We full on had a Jerry Springer moment in the middle of a bar.'
Chapter 33- 'Probably commandment number one of the hoe bible.'
Chapter 34- 'You taste like sunshine...and beer.'
Chapter 35- 'My brain shut off and my penis took the wheel.'
Chapter 36- 'This is the effect O'Connell penis has on a girl.'
Chapter 37- 'We were screwed. And not in the good way.'
Chapter 38- 'We were more public than a Kardashian.'
Chapter 39- ' You're rocking the walk of shame uniform.'
Chapter 40- 'You're thinking about my penis aren't you?'
Chapter 41- 'We stole a parrot & tried to teach it how to sing Bump N Grind'
Chapter 42- 'He tried and failed like the Twilight Films.'
Chapter 43- 'Stop avoiding the question you giant Dildo!'
Chapter 44- 'I'm like the Superman of the boner world.'
Chapter 45- 'Try to stall him without taking your clothes off.'
Chapter 46- 'I'm like a butcher, I enjoy showing everyone my meat.'
Chapter 47- 'Every compliment is expected to be repaid in blowjobs.'
Chapter 48- 'You need to see the size of him. He was like a Fridge.'
Chapter 49- 'Unwillingly, I decided to stop threatening the Hospital staff.'
Chapter 50- 'I was like James Bond, but with a vagina.'
Chapter 51- 'I didn't say I knew how to pick them.'
EPILOGUE

Chapter 25- 'It was like we were possessed...By two really horny ghosts.'

665K 16.8K 12.6K
By makeandoffer

A/N: Thank you to Dead-Before-Dawn-1 for the amazing hot banner!

--

I tried really hard to force my body to get up, but his warm hand was still trailing over my skin, his thumb moving slightly making my whole body shiver. We were way too close right now. I mean I was straddling him on a toilet seat. I was still only in shorts and a bikini top and he was shirtless. I could feel his bare skin against mine and that should immediately start ringing warning bells.

"Drake, you're high right now." I reminded him, my voice coming out a little more breathless than I intended it to.

There was still the slightest hint of a smile on his lips as his eyes were looking down on my body like he was taking it in, admiring it.

"It's a good feeling. Pop one of those Mexican happy pills and join me why don't you?" he humours, placing his hands on my hips again and pulling me closer to him so our stomachs were pressed up against each other.

His hand trailed to my back, his fingers slipping under the string of my bikini. I arched my back instantly, my body apparently not listening to the voice in my head which was screaming 'Code Red! CODE RED YOU SLUT!'

His hands trailed up to my arms and he wrapped them around his neck before placing them back on my body, this time just above my ass.

"Drake, what are you doing?" my breathing was irrational right now and that was clear as I asked him this.

"Confronting a problem." He instantly replied, his eyes now glued to my neck as he moved his head forward. One of his hands went to my hair, tangling itself into it and gently pulling it so my head tilted back slightly.

My eyes instantly closed as I could feel his breath against my skin, his lips not even making contact yet but I found myself almost biting my bottom lip. I knew I needed to get off of him, I knew he was drugged and I knew this was a BAAD idea, but right now I was freaking high because the decisions I was making were not controlled by me.

They seemed to be controlled by my vagina.

"You can't tell me to stop Mimi..." he breathed against my neck, before his mouth placed a small kiss right on my collarbone "...you told me I needed to confront my problems. So this is me, battling my demons."

His voice was so husky right now it was almost unbearable. Neither of us were thinking right, it was like we were both in a trance. Without meaning to, my hands around his neck brought his face closer, one hand tangling itself into the back of his messy hair. His lips were on my neck again, he placed slow kisses on my skin. I could feel the tip of his tongue touch my skin on my collarbone and I instantly let out a moan.

I felt the smirk against my skin as this gave him leeway to pull my hair a little more so he had more access. His mouth trailed down from my neck to my chest, to the top of my breasts. His hands were clamped on my sides, his thumps brushing the edge of my bikini.

CODE RED! CODE FUCKING RED!

"Drake, you need to stop that." It was meant to be a demand. It came out as a moan.

He instantly pulled his face back nodding "Okay, I'll stop that."

Without a hesitation, using the hand that was knotted in my hair, he pulled me towards him until his lips were covering mine. I was so shocked at first I didn't move, but as I felt his lips move against mine and his hands pulling me closer into him, I found myself kissing him back.

It was like a jolt of electricity was going through my body. I knew I should stop, but the way his lips felt against mine made it near enough impossible to do anything but knot my hands in his hair and pull him closer. I felt the top of his tongue trace my bottom lip and I instantly responded, deepening the kiss.

He pulled back slightly and groaned, breathing heavily as he rested his forehead against mine.

"Jesus, if that's what it's like confronting your problems I'm definitely opening up more often." His voice was husky, breathless.

"Shut up." I covered his mouth with mine once more, needing to taste him again.

Apparently, I was possessed.

It was even more aggressive this time as he didn't waste any time responding. I pressed my body against his, and I heard him groan at the back of his throat. Without ever breaking contact he stood up, my legs wrapping around his hips instantly. Both his hands were on my ass, holding me up. My arms were still locked around his neck, and the only breath brakes I took were probably less than a second long.

I recall him slamming me down on the counter by the sink, knocking every deodorant, soap and even the vodka bottle fell into the sink and smashed. Everything else went on the floor.

Neither of us cared enough to even stop for air.

His hands wrapped around the sides of my bare thighs and he pulled my body closer against his. The position we were in made it very easy for me to feel just how aroused he was, which to be honest ladies and gentlemen, was not helping the whole 'I'm a woman possessed thing' right now because all I wanted to do was take those swimming trunks off.

I let out an unstoppable moan as I felt his hips thrust forward slightly into me. I felt him smirk against my mouth as he heard this, and he did it again, this time a little harder. I dug my nails into his shoulders and this time it was him moaning as I did.

Suddenly, I heard the sound of Sister Sledge blasting out of my phone which I was currently sitting on as it was in my back pocket.

"We are family, I got all my sisters with me..." as the ringtone went on, I knew straight away who it was as it was a personalised ringtone.

It was like having a bucket of cold water thrown over you.

Drake barely heard the phone as he continued to kiss me, but I suddenly pulled away from him, and I did the only thing I thought of as I suddenly realised what I was doing.

I pushed him away from me with my legs with so much force he stumbled back, falling ass first into the bathtub. On his way down he grabbed the shower curtain to save himself, which ended up ripping off the hooks and covering the majority of him as he lay in the bath, his legs hanging over the edge.

The phone stopped ringing.

In any other normal circumstance, I would laugh at what just happened because the sight of him falling in that tub was probably one of the funniest sights I've seen in my short life. But right now, I was currently shocked at what we had just done.

He pulled the shower curtain off his face, looking at me with a furious expression.

"What in the mother of fuck is wrong with you?" he yelled at me.

I could barely speak as what just happened flashed through my mind. How could we have done that? How could me and Drake have done that?

"Does your ringtone automatically send your vagina signals to seal up and wrap itself in a chastity belt?!" he is still yelling, not quite processing why I did kick him away with such force. "Why the hell is that song your ringtone?!"

I didn't reply straight away as I was still shocked at myself. I looked at Drake, his brows raised telling me to hurry up and explain what the hell just happened.

"That's Nate's ringtone." I simply replied, and in his eyes I could finally see he got it.

His eyes widened and his mouth fell open slightly as he too realised what we have just done.

"Oh my god..." his voice is panicked as everything dawns on him. He looks at me with pure fear in his eyes "...your brother is going to cut my balls off."

"He's going to ship me off to a convent." My voice sounds desperate.

"He's going to cut them right off..." Drake is still talking about his balls, not even looking at my direction but having a conversation with himself.

"He doesn't have to know. No one has to know." I start to reason with him.

"I mean he's literally going to saw them off. Probably step on them after..." he is still talking to himself in horror. I think he forgot I was in the room actually.

"DRAKE! Stop talking about your balls and help me think for a minute!" I yell at him attempting to snap him out of his testical talk.

His eyes snap up to me, the clear worry in them "No Mia, you don't get it. I've had a lot of fights with your brother involved. He is a vicious man. My balls will be the first to feel his wrath!"

I roll my eyes "The man who went to prison is scared of my big brother. Who used to sleep with a toy story blankie by the way."

He narrows his eyes at me like I'm stupid "I just almost banged his little sister on a bathroom sink. He has a right to cut my balls off."

I scoff "You'd be so lucky if I let it get that far."

He raises a brow at me, a smug smirk at the corner of his mouth "That lovely moaning you were doing told me you were one more dry hump away from letting little Drake nest in little Mia for the next couple of hours."

I glare in his direction, trying my hardest not to make him realise I knew he was right.

"I can happily say alcohol is effecting my judgement." I defend.

"And I'm still high off those Mexican pills. What's your point?"

I growl in anger. This asshole has a response for everything.

"Nate never has to know about this...abomination." I begin to inform him through gritted teeth, realising they would be back from the lake soon so we couldn't just sit here arguing all day. We needed a plan. A story. A freaking alibi.

He nods in agreement, realising too we need to erase this little incident from the face of the earth.

"When they get back, we act normal. I sewed your arm up, we had a few drinks, you got high and by no means did either of us touch each other sexually." I continue, and he is still nodding like a little child.

He pushes himself out of the bathtub gracefully, tossing the shower curtain in the tub behind him.

"Yeah, they won't suspect anything. They have no reason to." He stops suddenly as he looks at me intently "Actually, you should probably brush your hair."

I twist my head to the mirror behind me as see he has a point. I look like a cavewoman. The sex hair- or almost sex hair- is never a good look.

I jump off the counter of the sink and point at him.

"Right, let's go sort ourselves out, clean this bathroom up because it looks like a wild boar has just been let loose in here and forget this ever happened." I'm barking orders at him like an army sergeant, and for once he is not giving me grief but nodding his head in agreement.

We head off to our separate bedrooms and I begin to sort my almost fucked hair out. I quickly throw on a random top over my bikini top as I realised being partially naked will not help anything when everyone else gets back.

Oh god, what did we just do? Why did we just do it?

It had to be the drugs and alcohol.

The beginning to every hook up story...

I mean Drake was so baked he could have made a freaking cake, and I was chugging vodka like water due to my nerves earlier about sewing his arm up. I think I'm still drunk now actually.

That is definitely the reason we made such a stupid decision.

But dear god, was it hot...

I mentally scold my vagina, because that was what was making me say such horrendous things about Drake 'head fuck, prison boy, brothers best friend' O'Connell.

I suddenly feel someone else in the room with me and jump slightly, seeing Drake stood by the door looking a lot more...clothed than before.

He was now in jeans and a black t-shirt, a small smile on his face as he looked over at me. He was stood a little awkwardly, clearly not knowing what to say.

Oh god, I was so worried about my brother finding out the tension between me and Drake didn't even cross my mind.

"Hi." He smiles awkwardly.

I groan, placing my head in my hands "Oh Christ they are going to know."

He screws his brows in confusion "How?"

"Because you're awkward with me! You're never awkward with me! You're Drake, flirt and sex pest. Not Mr shy smiles that can't even look me in the eyes!"

"Look I'm sorry okay I've never had to deal with this situation before!"

I raise my brows "You've never had to face a girl you've got with after?"

"If you remember, I've never woken up with anyone after banging them to avoid this situation. And girls I make out with are different; they're normally strangers in clubs or a burger king car park."

I grimace "Whore."

He sighs "I've never made out with a girl who I'm actually friends with."

I look at him, a sudden silence in the room as I actually take in what he's saying. He just called me a friend. Not Nate's little aggressive annoying sister, but an actual friend. This is like a break through.

I smile slightly "We're friends?"

He looks a bit taken back at first, before he matches my smile "Well, more like frenemies, but that still comes under friend."

My smile widens slightly, and I suddenly realise he was right. We were friends. And that's why what happened between us was such a mistake.

"You're right. We are friends, and my brother is also your friend and that is why what happened a minute ago can never happen again." I state, and for a split second his smile drops before he nods in agreement.

"Exactly. Your brother is like a brother to me, and I don't really want my balls chopped off." I laugh slightly at his delicate words. His face is serious. "It never happens again. It was a tiny slip by both of us but we put it behind us and that's it, done."

Suddenly, the air between us changes. I don't know what it is or how to describe it, but it was like in a split second of us talking about what happened in the bathroom made the tension around us even more electric than before.

I shake my head internally trying to snap out of it.

"Never again. We're just friends. We can control whatever un-natural urges we have." I don't know why, but as I speak I sound like I'm trying to convince myself more than him.

He nods his head slowly, his eyes unsure "Exactly. We aren't animals."

I nod, giving him my own forced smile.

"Friends?" I ask, my voice lined with uncertainty.

His smile widens slightly, his eyes glistening with doubt "Definitely."

We smile at each other for about 5 more seconds as we confirm that we are indeed friends, and then simultaneously, we both dive forward and close the distance between us. I grab the collar of his t-shirt and pull him forward whilst his hands grasp my hips and pull me into him, our lips colliding almost aggressively.

One of my arms wraps around his neck as we deepen the kiss, his tongue connecting with mine making me moan as he continues to pull my hips closer to his. His fingers snake to the inside of my top caressing my lower back. The hand that wasn't wrapped around his neck grabs the hem of his t-shirt and begins to pull it up. He pulls away from the kiss and like a man possessed he pulls the shirt over his head before I even have a chance to blink.

His lips crash back onto mine, his hands now travelling south until they are on my ass. He squeeze it roughly again causing me to moan.

"I thought we weren't going to be animals and control ourselves?" He mutters against my lips before continuing the attack against my mouth. I definitely was not complaining.

"What can I say, I'm an animal." I breathe into the kiss, and he lets out a growl that actually backed up this whole animal theory as he hears me say those words. Instantly he lifts me off the ground, my legs hooking around his hips and without any effort he throws me onto the double bed. He collapses on top of me, my legs still either side of him as his hands run up my sides, taking my top up with it exposing my bare stomach.

My hands trail across his back, feeling every muscle in his sculptured body. He pushes his hips forward and my nails instinctively dig into his skin. He moans against my mouth before trailing his lips down my neck all the way down to my collarbone. My legs lift off the bed and wrap around his hips, my ankles locking behind his back as I pull him closer to me.

"I'm definitely going to get my balls chopped off..." he groans against my neck.

I tangle my hand at the back of his hair and pull his face back up, again my vagina controlling my actions and decisions.

"Well we better get full use from that region of your body while we can then." I pull at his bottom lip with my teeth, and for the second time today I hear him do that primate growl before he slams his lips against mine with even more aggression. His hands travel down to my hips again only this time his fingers grab the waistband of my shorts as he begins to pull them down.

The rate we were both going, I don't even think we'd have time to get them off completely. I think there was definitely some supernatural shit going on here because it was like we were both possessed.

By two really horny ghosts. (A/N: Jared and Leah? LOL jk)

"I want you so fucking bad right now..." he groans against my mouth as I feel him begin to pull the shorts off.

And that was when I heard the front door of the cabin slam downstairs and the voice of our friends echoing around the house. For about the 100th time, me and Drake shoot away from each other like we were on fire.

I can hear footsteps running up the stairs as I frantically start to pull my shorts back up and flatten my hair down. Drake doesn't even have time to put his shirt back on.

It was like we were in sync. Without even discussing it, he sits on the bed next to me while I lean over him and pretend to inspect his newly stitched up wound.

And that is exactly how Jimmy found us as he walked in.

We went from dry humping to friends in 4.3 seconds.

Guinness book of records, write this shit down...

We both look up and give him a smile.

"Hello resident doctor and tool, how is the patient?" Jimmy asks, and there is not one ounce of suspicion in his voice. I inwardly breathe a sigh of relief.

"She was necking vodka from the bottle as she stitched me up, but I didn't pass out so it all worked out." Drake explained, and I was amazed by how his voice was so normal. He should take up acting.

Suddenly, Nate and Luke were in the room.

I felt my mouth go dry a little as I saw Nate, because this was the real test. If he suspected nothing, then we got away with it.

Nate grins at us "Still alive then bro?"

I feel Drake's body relax ever so slightly as he was obviously thinking the same as me. I did also notice the flash of guilt on in his eyes as he heard Nate call him 'bro'.

He grins back "Who needs medical school when you have Grey's Anatomy."

Nate lets out a laugh before he and Luke walk forward taking a better look at Drake's arm. I briefly notice Jimmy leave the room.

"Doesn't look like its pouring out with puss or infected in anyway..." Luke inspects his wound, and I punch his arm playfully.

"It's the work of a god you prick!" I snap at him, and I mentally pat myself on the back as my voice comes out completely normal. I really was an amazing liar. My father would be so proud.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" we all shoot out heads to the door as we hear Jimmy's yell from down the hall.

Immediately we all get to our feet and walk out into the hallway.

"What in the name of Rihanna happened in here?!" Jimmy was still yelling, and his voice was coming from the bathroom.

The bathroom Drake and I basically smashed up while we were making out.

Luke and Nate immediately walk towards the bathroom whilst Drake and I turn to each other wide eyed. I actually see him mouth the word 'fuuuuuuuck' at me before we both joined the others in the bathroom.

"Holy crap have we been robbed?" Nate asks in shock as he takes a look around the bathroom.

The hand wash, toothpaste, toothbrushes, deodorants and other toiletries were all on the bathroom floor. There was a smashed up vodka bottle in the sink while the shower curtain was ripped off the pole and in the bathtub.

All in all, it was a bomb site.

Apparently, Drake and I don't do romantic, tender making out sessions. We destroy rooms instead.

Suddenly I felt 3 sets of eyes in our direction as Jimmy, Nate and Luke all turn to us expecting an answer as to what happened in here.

To my utter amazement, my vagina once again did the decision making for me and decided on what the cover up was going to be.

"I gave Drake some of those pills your brother left and basically he went crazy for the first 5 minutes. I didn't know if he was breakdancing or having a seizure." I fluently lied.

I inwardly raised my brows impressed at myself. Or better yet, my vagina. Apparently if she got what she wanted, which was a bit of O'Connell action, she could make up a cover story better than a Russian spy.

I actually saw Drake's mouth fall open slightly at how easily I came up with that, before he composed himself and shrugged with a guilty smile.

"I was meant to take one. I popped 3. Whooops." He chuckled with a shrug, and I knew confident cocky Drake was back.

Thank the lord for that.

Nate was trying to hold back laughter as he clearly found his friend being as high as a kite hilarious.

He wouldn't find it that funny if he knew the drugs played a part in his best friend almost slamming his baby sister in the bathroom he brushed his teeth in this morning...

Luke shrugged "I keep telling Trey the shit he and his friends take is going to result in them being put in a padded room..." he trailed of shaking his head as he talked about his big brother. He then looked at me and Drake "Clean it up though or my mum will chop my balls off."

I had to bite back a laugh. This was about the 30th time today I'd heard someone scared that their balls were going to get chopped off. Apparently, that really is what strikes fear in a man's heart.

"Believe me, no one wants that to happen." To my amusement, Drake responds. The only people understanding the private joke in the room was us.

Luke turns to Jimmy "We better go talk to the Hilton twins, if they don't get attention every half an hour they will probably self-harm."

Jimmy nods in agreement and they both leave the room. Nate steps forward to me and Drake.

"I would stay and help you clean this up, but quite frankly, I don't want to." He smiles politely before walking past us and downstairs with everyone else.

Leaving Drake and I alone again.

We both turn to each other, both of us not being able to hold back the smirks on our faces.

"Well, that was a close call." Drake states.

"Good thing we are both pathological liars." I point out.

His smirk widens "Thank the lord." There is a small silence between us before I finally sigh.

"Seriously, what happened before can never happen again. The drugs and alcohol were still making the decisions..." and my vagina "...and that's why we were so stupid. I don't want you to ruin your friendship with Nate over this. Or with me." I add the last bit all too seriously and it dawns on me just how true this is. I don't want it to be awkward between us, he really is one of my closest friends and I can't ruin that for a very, very, hot make out session. Or two.

His face is now serious and I can tell he agrees. He nods slightly.

"You're right. It won't happen again. You and your brother mean too much to me to lose." He lets out an ironic chuckle "You're probably the only family I actually have left." As he says these words, an overwhelming sympathy for him washes through me as well as guilt. The phone call with his dad flashes through my mind again, whilst at the same time I wondered why he didn't mention his mum. The way he said it, it was literally like he had no one but us.

He gives me a heart-warming smile, before holding his hand out.

"Wipe the slate clean. Friends?" he suggests, and this time I can tell we were both sure.

I smile back "Friends. Not animals."

His lip twitches at my words. I place my hand in his and shake it, knowing that all we could ever be was friends. There was too much to lose.

Which was exactly why I ignored the tingling feeling I got as my hand made contact with his.

Too much to lose Mia...

--

A/N: I can hear the chants of 'FINALLY' echoing through my ears. so what did you think? was it hot? did you love her subtle way of pushing him off of her? or the fact they were like two animals on heat?

Let me know your opinions by commenting below you beutiful people!

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