Chapter 5: The Long Way Home
"Miss." A voice triggered my senses. I opened my groggy eyes and saw the bus driver staring back at me. I quickly pulled my earphones out of my ears and sat up. I rubbed at my eyes, feeling tired. "This is the last stop for this bus." The rude bus driver leered. He gave me a fake smile and pointed towards the door. I nodded, grabbing my bag from the upper-carriage, and walked off of the bus.
I looked around me. I knew this town all too well. It was about two hours from home, Garrett and I always came here when Drake was going out with his friends. When Drake was drunk he did bad things. I mean Drake was always drunk, but when he came back from parties he just-- I shook my head and walked over to the towns one and only diner. I haven't been here for nearly four months. It was odd, I felt like coming here was wrong. I spent a lot of long nights here with Garrett, hiding away; hoping that when we got home Drake wouldn't be mad that we had left. Mad that I had escaped, that Garrett had escaped. Even if it was just for a little while.
I didn't need this place anymore-- and that makes me feel nauseous. Maybe it's because I killed Drake. Maybe it's because I have been in more towns than I can count at this point. I don't really know. It just seems weird being here. I can't really describe it.
The bell chimes when I walk in and the hostess, Carmen, gives me a wary smile. I know she remembers me. I walk up to the booth. Carmen looks away from me and I furrow my eyebrows in confusion.
"Hi, Jenna." Carmen says softly, still avoiding eye contact. She grabs one menu and walks off. I follow her as she leads me to a table. I stare at her totally confused as to why she doesn't talk to me at all. Once she is done she practically sprints away from me. Suddenly it hits me that Garrett is all over the news. Carmen must have seen it. She must think Garrett is a murder. Oh how wrong she is.
I sigh as I put the menu at the end of the table. I prop my bag on the countertop while I fish out my journal.
This was a good last place to write in, and I knew I wanted to conclude my journal somehow. After I got my journal out, I threw my bag onto the other side of the booth, and sat down in the green booth.
I grab the pen that's attached to my journal and open to the next fresh page.
Well Journal,
Today is the day that I will go down for Drake's murder. Wow. It's weird to write that. Sometimes I feel like Drake's still here, haunting me, watching me every step of the way. He probably laughing at me in hell. Because today I will be put in jail.
I looked up for a moment, glancing around the quaint restaurant that was inhabited by normal people with normal problems.
I swallowed harshly, running a hand through my hair before returning to write in my journal.
I honestly have no idea what to write to conclude this journal that I've kept for so long. I don't know what a proper ending is. I don't know if this even deserves a proper ending. I don't know anything anymore. I guess this journal is basically the tale of how I spiraled out of control. How I lost my mind, maybe. All I know is this is the only pure and true thing in my life besides Garrett. It's gotten me through a lot.
"Hey Jenna." A familiar voice echoed from across me. I looked up and shut my journal. "It's been a while." Kathy said.
Kathy is an amazing mother of two children. She is the only one I've ever told about Drake's abuse. She said that we could come to this place anytime Drake got drunk. She didn't like it, but I begged her not to tell social services about Drake. I knew that if she did, Garrett and I would be split up-- and I couldn't let that happen.
Kathy understood why I did what I did. She understood that I couldn't live without Garrett and she promised that she wouldn't tell a soul. I knew I could trust Kathy from the moment I saw her, as weird as that sounds. I just knew.
"Yeah. It has." I give her a small smile. I knew she knew about Garrett. It was the look in her eyes. "He didn't do it you know." I told her, clicking the pen closed. She shook her head in aknowledgement.
"I never said that he did." She replied. Kathy was smart. She had known Garrett and I for years now. She knew the truth. "Heading back I see." She said, pointing to the bag next to her. I nodded.
"Yeah, he's one stubborn kid." I replied mockingly, faking a smile and tucking a piece of hair behind my ear.
On the other hand Kathy didn't smile, rather she reached her hand over and placed it on mine. "You are a kind soul, Jenna Weston." She stated strongly. "And no matter what, I know the only thing in your mind is Garrett. You are strong, Jenna." I felt tears swell in my eyes. "You did what you had to do for the people that you love. And that-- Jenna-- that is what I admire about you."
I nodded. A few stray tears slipped down my face, I pushed them away.
"Fate has a way of figuring itself out. There are ups and there are downs and everything in between. There is good and there is evil. There is light and there is dark. But if there is anything that I know-- I know that with every fiber of my being, things will turn around for you, Jenna." Kathy said quietly. I pressed my lips together tightly.
"But sometimes-- everything isn't always black and white. Sometimes there is an in-between to good and evil." She continued. I let out a heavy sigh, feeling the breath being caught in my throat. "I did something bad, Kathy-- something that I'll never be able to erase from my mind." I paused and squeezed her hand tighter. I tried to keep my tears at bay, and my voice as calm as I could. "If I am so good-- then why do I not feel one ounce of guilt for what I have done?" I ask her. Kathy looked me deep in the eyes.
"I can't answer that Jenna. I don't have all the answers. But I know you, and I know your heart." She tells me.
I nod. She didn't see me as a monster. She didn't see me for what I really am. She saw me as a damaged girl, a girl beyond repair, and I was. But that didn't mean that that brokenness didn't make me into a monster.
Kathy see's the little girl, she see's the old me.
Kathy gets up, and walks to the back of the diner, no doubt giving the chef my order. I always got the same thing. She knew that.
She knew the old me. And I was different now. I was unfixable. I reopened my journal and finished up my conclusion.
This is goodbye. This is a goodbye to freedom. This is goodbye to the sad little girl who lost both of her parents. The little girl that could of went on to bigger and better things. This is a farewell to the life I could of had. This is a farewell to Jenna Weston.
-J
I decided not to stay any longer. I didn't want to wait for my order, or wait around for the inevitable goodbye. In the book cover of my journal I wrote a note to Kathy.
Kathy,
I give you this. I give you my most inner-thoughts. You are by far the only person I would ever give this to; by far my most trusted person. I was a 15 year old girl who was looking for anything and everything. And that little girl loved you like a mom. That little girl felt like she was loved, and she could never thank you enough for that. Thank you, Kathy. For everything.
-J
I wiped away the last of my tears and threw my last 20 dollar bill onto the table. I kissed my journal one last time before walking out of the diner and back to the bus stop.
✣
Illinois. The police department.
I stared at the sign in front of me. My fate was catching up to me. I needed to accept that. This is my life now.
I walked into the station with trembling hands. I knew what I needed to do.
The thought of admitting to someone who wasn't my journal-- it wasn't ever a possibility before. Even when Amanda had given me money I hadn't even told her. They had already figured it out, and didn't even need me to say it.
The air was cold as I pulled my hands out of my pockets, the knife clutched in my right one. The man behind the desk looked alarmed, but I shook my head as I placed the knife on the counter in front of him. And with all of the strength I had left within me I took a deep breath, preparing myself to say the 4 words I never thought I would.
"I killed Drake Mota."