Jessica's POV
"You're pregnant," Brian said, as more of a statement, not a question.
Of course, that's what he would think. It's the most logical explanation, based on what he's heard. But it's not the only explanation. I know it's hard for men to understand that there are other reasons why women miss their periods, or why they would have to go for an ultrasound.
"No, Brian..." I started to say, but he wasn't listening. He was too wrapped up in this scenario he had created.
"You've been acting odd lately, and I was trying to figure out why. So, first I thought you might be cheating on me. I thought maybe you were with another man or even a woman. Maybe you're still confused, and you want to be with women. Maybe I'm not good enough for you,"
"That's not true..." I tried to tell him, but he still wasn't listening.
I could tell he was already angry, and I was doing my best to calm him down before I told him what was going on. The truth is, there was something that I've been hiding from him, it's just not what he expected. But I still didn't exactly know how to tell him.
"Then I overhear you talking about ultrasounds and missed periods, so pregnancy must be the reason you've been acting strangely. But then I realize that if you're four months pregnant, then it's not even mine. So now I have to wonder, who's the father? You told me you hadn't been with a guy in years, but clearly, you lied about that. What else are you lying about? Are you still fucking this guy is behind my back?"
Since he wasn't really listening to me, I just let him go on his little rant, to express how he felt. He was throwing all these accusations at me. I was trying not to get too offended, but his words were hurtful. I tried to consider things from his perspective. He didn't know what else to think, and part of me understood how he could jump to these conclusions. But it still didn't feel good to be accused of all these things, especially of cheating.
"Brian, I'm not..." I tried to say, but he was still going on his rant.
"Did you already know you were pregnant when we started dating? Was that your plan all along? Get me to fall so deeply in love with you that I would still stick around and be a father for a kid that isn't even mine?"
"Are you done?" I asked him.
I had enough. I let him go on his little rant and say whatever he wanted, but it was time to tell him the truth. And I knew that if I didn't stop him, he would say something else that he'd regret. I needed to get through to him and get his attention, so I grabbed his face and looked him straight in the eyes.
"I AM NOT PREGNANT," I stated firmly. This time I knew he was listening. I had to interrupt him and end his ranting because these assumptions were going to drive both of us crazy.
"I heard what you said on the phone. Don't lie to me, Jessica," he said. He pulled away, not wanting me to touch him. He hadn't calmed down yet.
"I'll take a pregnancy test right now if that's what it will take to prove it to you. But I can assure you that I am not pregnant with your, or anyone else's, baby. I never lied about the people I slept with. And I sure as hell did not cheat on you. I would never do that," I swore to him.
"So then what the fuck is going on? How else do you explain this?" he asked, still completely baffled. Somehow my response wasn't making him feel any better. He looked more confused now than when he thought I was pregnant.
"Have you ever heard of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome?" I asked him.
He was completely thrown off, but that didn't surprise me. I didn't expect him to know what it was. And I didn't really need a response, because the confused look on his face told me the answer.
"No, I haven't. What is that?"
"Basically the ovaries develop cysts, causing a hormonal imbalance, which leads to a bunch of other things. Cramps, headache, fatigue. But it also causes periods to be irregular, which would explain the four missed periods."
"And you think you have that? Is that why you're going to the doctor?" he asked me. His anger had subsided a bit, and now he looked more concerned.
"No, Brian. You don't understand. I don't think I have it. I KNOW I have it. I've already been diagnosed with it," I confessed.
The feeling of keeping this secret from him was eating away at me. And when I felt the symptoms come back, I knew that I had no choice but to tell him the truth.
"You...you already knew about this? Why wouldn't you tell me? How long have you known?"
"A long time..."
"What does that mean? What's a long time? A few months? A year? Five years? Tell me the truth."
"I've known about this since I was 16," I finally admitted. I knew he wasn't going to like the answer, but at this point, I had to be honest with him.
"Jesus Christ, Jessica...So you've had this the entire time I've known you, and long before that? Why wouldn't you tell me something like this?" he questioned.
He had calmed down after his initial rant, but now he was growing angry again. I knew Brian was really mad at me because he kept calling me Jessica. He only calls me Jessica when things get serious.
"Because it's not like I'm constantly sick all the time. The symptoms come and go. Most of the time it's not that serious. But it just pops up again every now and then. Sometimes I even forget I have it," I told him, but that didn't seem to make him feel any better.
"Don't try to act like this is nothing. Because if it was nothing, then you could've easily told me about it," Brian said.
"You're right Brian. I'm so sorry. I know I should've told you sooner, but I just didn't know how to tell you," I tried to explain to him while begging for forgiveness.
"You didn't know how to tell me? Bullshit. How many times have we stayed up talking for hours? Telling each other our deepest secrets, even BEFORE we were dating. You've had plenty of opportunities to tell me."
"Well, at least I'm not pregnant, and I most likely never will be. Another part of this is infertility. So accidentally getting me pregnant is not something you have to worry about. It's not like we wanted kids anyway," I said, trying to mediate the situation. I thought it would've made him feel a little better, knowing that I didn't do all the things he accused me of earlier.
"Is that supposed to make me feel better? That doesn't make it right, Jessica. Bottom line is, you still should've told me."
"I know, you're right. But I'm telling you now..."
"You're only telling me now because you got caught. How much longer would you have kept this from me if I hadn't overheard you talking to Bessy on the phone? Speaking of which, why the fuck does she know about this, and I don't? Why can you talk to her about it, but not me?" he asked.
"I was throwing up the other day, at Nitro Circus. Bessy started asking questions, so I ended up telling her about it. She told me that I should get myself checked out and that I need to start taking care of myself," I told him.
I only told Bessy a few days ago, so it's not like she knew that much longer than Brian. But I felt like as a woman, Bessy would understand what I was going through. I needed to confide in somebody, and I trusted her. I was worried that Brian had way too much going on in his life for me to put this burden on him.
"And don't you think I would've told you the same thing? I want you to be healthy, and take care of yourself. But I also want you to be able to talk to me about these things, and tell me if you're in pain."
"I know, you're right. I should've told you sooner. I'm sorry," I begged.
"So this messes with your cycle. That explains the missed periods. I understand that. Then what's the ultrasound for?" Brian asked.
But this was the question I was dreading. I knew the answer would make him upset, potentially more upset than he was before. But at this point, I had told him almost everything, and I was in too deep. I couldn't hold back anymore. But I didn't want to admit the answer to him, because I didn't want to admit the truth to myself.
"The doctor has to check and make sure that everything is normal, and make sure I don't..." I started to say, but I couldn't get the words out.
"What is it, Jessica? Just tell me," he said firmly.
I just stared at him for a moment, struggling to find the right words to say.
"There's something you said earlier. You said most of the time it's not that serious. What does that mean? When does it get serious?" he asked.
"Some women with this develop... Well, they're at a higher risk for..." I started to try to say again, but I still couldn't get that one word out.
"Just spit it out, Jessica. What is it? Tell me the truth," he demanded.
"Cancer. Okay? I'm at a higher risk for cancer. That's why I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. That's one of the things the ultrasound is checking for," I finally admitted to him. The "c-word" is what I was dreading. I was terrified of what the results might show. It's always been a looming fear of mine.
"Ca...cancer? You just tried to act like this wasn't a big deal, that sometimes you even forget about it. And now you're telling me that you have something that could give you cancer? How could you not tell me something this serious?" he asked. Now Brian was absolutely furious. He got up from the bed and started walking out of the bedroom.
"Getting cancer from this does happen, but it's rare. I didn't want you to be worried about it until I knew for sure what was going on."
"Oh, you didn't want to worry me? Well, it's too fucking late for that, Jessica."
"I'm sorry, Brian. But I didn't want you to be so worried about me, and carrying around this burden of wondering if I'm sick or not."
"That's the whole fucking point, Jessica. You're trying to carry this burden all by yourself when you don't have to. I'm your boyfriend. I'm supposed to be your best friend. I'm supposed to help you, to be there for you. I could help you get through this. But I couldn't help you with something if I didn't know about it."
"You ARE my best friend...I'm sorry, Brian," I said, repeatedly.
"I can't believe that you would keep something like this from me, especially after everything we went through when I was sick. You gave me so much shit for not telling you, but what you did was even worse. I'm not just your friend anymore, I'm your boyfriend. I thought we were supposed to share everything. I've told you everything about me. I've poured my heart out to you. I just don't understand how you would keep something this serious from me," he said.
"I don't know what else to say, Brian. I'm sorry. I never meant for this to hurt you so much. That's what I was trying to avoid."
"I have to get out of here. I don't know what to think. I don't even know who you are anymore," he said, as he started walking away, going towards my front door.
"Brian, wait. I'm sorry. I was just trying to protect you. Please don't leave," I begged him.
"I just need to think about everything," he said, running his fingers through his hair.
"I'm sorry. I love you, Brian," I told him as he stood in the doorway.
"I love you so much, Jessica. That's why I'm so hurt," he said, slamming the door as he walked out.
Once the door shut, I instantly burst into tears. I felt terrible for what I had done. I shouldn't have kept something like this from the man I love. But I wasn't trying to lie to him. I was just trying to protect his feelings. He had already been through so much, especially in the last few months. I thought that the last thing he needed to worry about is whether or not I was healthy. Instead, I ended up causing him even more pain by keeping this from him.
Another reason I didn't tell him about something that could potentially be serious, is because I didn't want to accept it myself. I tried to convince myself that nothing serious happened so far. But that didn't stop me from worrying about all the possibilities.
I didn't want to worry Brian when everything was fine. But now, everything is NOT fine. I can feel it. I know my body, and I know that something is off. I was terrified of what could happen. I don't know if Brian truly understood how scared I was. Maybe he didn't understand the severity of what could happen. But that was my fault. I didn't convey how I really felt because I was too concerned about him being so mad at me.
After sitting on the couch for about an hour, sobbing to myself, I picked myself up and got into bed. I curled up into a ball in bed, and continued bawling, thinking about what I had done to Brian. My bed was so cold without him. It felt so bizarre lying in bed without him next to me. This was one of the only nights we had spent apart, other than him being on tour. It felt like a piece of me was missing.
But right now, I needed him, because I had never felt this helpless. I probably could've called Bessy, or even my sister, to help comfort me. But I didn't want anyone else. I just wanted Brian. He was my person. My everything. My other half. The one I was supposed to share everything with. But I ruined it. This is all my fault, and now I'm terrified that I've lost him for good. Now all I could do was lie in bed, waiting for my appointment tomorrow morning. I feared that something serious could happen. But whatever happens, I deserve it. After what I did to Brian, I deserve this pain.
A/N: So, I feel like things have taken several unexpected turns in the last two chapters, but I hope you guys like it. Doesthis make Jess look better or worse than what you guys expected? I'm not sure.Anyway, let me know what you guys think of where the story is going so far