M E A N I N G F U L
M I S T A K E S
Chapter Seven
Every time I find myself enjoying silence, it becomes ruined.
I was sitting on the sofa comfortably when someone knocks obviously at the apartment door. My eyes peel away from my laptop where I had been typing another English essay.
William, who also was lounging around quietly, stands from his seat and heads towards the door.
"Hey man." My best friend greet whoever his there. The door is opened wide to reveal Hunter Kings wearing a casual white hoodie and black jeans. His chestnut hair is messy as usual.
I watch curiously as the two walk further into the apartment like this visit was expected. I hand my been told of William having any plans. Of course, I would've disagreed.
"Since when were you coming over?" I ask Hunter, my words biting. The two stride over where I am.
The only reaction I receive is a should of the shoulders. "Since a few seconds ago." William tosses a packet of crisps on the table, alongside with raspberry liquorice and a plastic container of cookies.
The sight of all the food creates conflict within me. My stomach was begging for the sweets, yet my mind screamed for safety. It told me that that wasn't good for me, that I'd loose myself if I yielded to the appeal.
"We're watching the game that's on in literally two minutes." I'm told my William who belly flops on the spare couch.
The only free spot is beside me. I'm filled with dread as Hunter smirk's and glances to the seat. I would rather gorge my own eyeballs from my head.
My fingers slam my laptop shut and tuck it beneath my arm. "I'll take that as my signal to leave." It was more than a signal. More like a big red flag that waves me down.
"No, it's okay." William interrupts my attempt to flee. I face him. "Watch it with us."
Normally, I would. With just him, or if Jake was over. Which happens to be rarely ever these days. I feel like he'd become a stranger the day I was first admitted to hospital.
William smells the tension between Hunter and I. It's so obvious that there might as well be a sign hanging above. The air becomes thick and heavy.
"It's okay. I have to do my essay." I shake my laptop for emphasis. I despise school work, but right now, it seems like an angel carrying me away from being in Hunter's presence.
William asks me if I'm sure, and I nod. He wants me to act civil and stay for the sake of forming a friendship with Hunter like he has. But I can't.
"I need to use the bathroom before the game starts." Hunter tells William. I frown at him, wondering why he hadn't gone before coming over here. "Lolita can you show me where it is?"
Ulterior motive. Why else would he want me to suddenly become a tour guide when our apartments are mirrors of each other?
No way will I do that. "Down the hall, first door on the right." My voice is gruffly and clipped. My irritation only becomes worse when I'm met with an annoyed stare from Hunter.
"No, I meant actually show me where it is. I don't wanna get lost." This boy is ridiculous. He barely looks convincing.
Even William is staring at Hunter like he'd grown two heads. Then, my best friend projects a secret stare at me. He wants me to be nice. Be civil.
I want to throttle them both. I have to cave. It's on the way to my bedroom anyway. "Fine." A glare is shot at William.
We walk out of the living room and turn right to the small hall where the two bedrooms, bathroom, and linen closet are.
I jam my pointer finger at the door, despite him knowing where it already was. "There you go."
My attempt to go away is ruined. My forearm had been grabbed to prevent me from going any further. My body swings around to Hunter, ready to yell at him for it.
"I wanted to apologise." I wasn't ready for him to say this with a face free from humour. Instead he melted into such an unfamiliar face.
A sincere, yet pained one. Like the words hurt him. I almost don't recognise him. He had a lot to be sorry for, but, I want to hear none of them.
"I was an asshole at the game to you, and what I said was wrong. I deserved having the drink thrown at me. There was a lot I wasn't aware about, then I started overhearing things at school that people say about you and your eating."
A slap to the face would have been a softer blow. My feet had even taken a step away from him. Although, I'm not surprised that he'd heard things. I'm sure Mia was one of them.
What I don't appreciate is that he only know feels the need to be sorry. Like I was given a get out of jail free card.
"So you're apologising because you feel bad for me? That you don't want a guilty conscious?" My knuckles being turning white at the tight grip on my laptop.
Hunter's head shakes and his eyes being widening as if I'd thrown another milkshake at him. "What? No, no. I don't even know everything, just the names people call you. I'm apologising because what I did was wrong."
I knew the name he referred to. I'd been called it for a long time. Bulimic Bitch. It was stapled on my back by Mia Vanderwal.
"What exactly did they tell you?" My curiosity gets the best of me. I can't fight away the question.
I shouldn't have asked. I know it was a fools mistake because if I heard something that effected me, I'd be stuck in my bed for the rest of the day to pity myself.
He avoids my eyes for a moment, letting them skim the hall before returning to mine. "All I heard was the name they call you, and that you had an eating disorder. Someone said that you nearly died in class last year from it."
So he was doing this out of guilt. It is a start that could make things better, but the ache is still alive in my chest.
"Not so much of a perfect life now is it?" I throw his own words back. He flinches. I could've gaped at the sight of it.
"I'm sorry about that, Lolita, truely. If I could take it back- I would." A breath passes through his full lips. Neither of us say anything else. It feels like hours before he speaks again. "I should go before William thinks I'm blowing up his toilet."
For once, a wide and genuine smile grows on him. It was such a terrible thought that I'd started to laugh without realising. I stop myself.
Hunter pauses for a single moment, his smiling twitching as if he too had gone to laugh. He doesn't. Fingers rub the back of his neck when he turns and disappears back down the hall.
I'd closed myself into my room and finally started to breathe again.
Friday's are my favourite days. The weekend is right around the corner. I can feel my body wanting to burst with energy at the thought. Two days without school. Two days of freedom.
The only downfall is having to live through Friday.
When I step through the doors to my first period class, Ancient History, Hunter is already seated at the table we worked at yesterday. Surprisingly, he is the only one waiting in the classroom.
I assumed him to be late like most senior students, instead he seems eager to be in the one space most teenagers dread being. Myself being one of them.
A part of me grows worried. His behaviour has been odd since he apologised. I'm not sure how I'm suppose to feel about it.
William nudges my side gently. I forgot he was with me. "Be nice, remember?" I bite down on my tongue to reframe from saying anything.
My heavy feet carry me to my seat and I drop the chunky textbook on the desk so it thuds. "Morning." Hunter is cheery. I frown at his smile while sliding into the seat beside him.
"Good morning?" My words drawl out on their own accord. He can't be up to any good seeming his content at just first period. Class hasn't even started yet.
William leaves me to sit at his desk after shooting a stern look. I glare back and wish he come to sweep me away from this painful nightmare.
Soon, the classroom fills with more students and their loud conversations, making me realise how Hunter and I are silent.
"I, uh- I like your shoes." My shoes? He was complimenting my shoes? I don't think he'd understood what he'd done until he looks down at them.
They're standard shoes that almost everyone wears. High top canvas's. "My shoes?" I question. Hunter's cheeks begin to heat. He is wearing the very same pair.
He accepts the defeat with a sigh. "I wasn't thinking. I felt like I should try to say something because it was so quiet."
There is a million other things he could've said, but I do agree. We both have been uncomfortable since yesterday. I hadn't left my room when he returned to the living room with William, so I managed to avoid him.
The apology weighs in the air.
If he had tried with me, I wonder something else. "Did you and Jake make up for the fight?" He deserved it more than I did.
A shake of the head. "Not yet. I'll probably speak to him at practice today." Probably isn't a secure word. I don't like that he could continue being cruel to Jake.
He doesn't need it. I already feel as if he's so distant, and I don't want Hunter to drive him further away.
"No, not 'probably'. You will apologise at practice today. That whole fight was uncalled for, and unnecessary." I'm stern. More than I usually am.
"I know, I know. I'm sorry about that fight once again, but I'll apologise to him today. I promise." I nod, hoping he'll hold true to his word. "Am I allowed to ask who was the crazy lady was in the office?"
Eliza. It is a humiliating memory that I needed to swallow down. It is over now. "She's crazy alright. She's my dad's girlfriend." Unfortunately.
"She seems like a whole lot of fun." Sarcasm drips from his tone like venom. "When is this stupid assignment due anyway?" Hunter flips through the guideline sheet our teacher handed us.
"Next week, Friday. It's only supposed to be a summary presentation." The details of the whole assignment are burnt into my head already.
He tosses the paper back down on the beige coloured desk. "Can we meet up on Sunday to get this assignment over with? Then we don't have to worry and stress about it."
I don't like having to spend more time than necessary with him. There's not much of a choice.
"That's fine." William, Jake, and I had made plans for Saturday. Luckily, Hunter had picked Sunday. "My place or yours?"
"Let's go yours. You guys have better snacks then I do." Of course. I remember him and William sharing so much junk food between them. "Are you coming to the after party on Monday?"
The basketball after party. Sickness crashes into me like a tidal wave- sending violent electric jolts through my body.
After every game, the seniors throw a house party to celebrate. It was their excuse for a weekly party. They're big events that breed a lot of stories.
I stopped going to them. Even William and Jake had for a while when I was in hospital. They occasionally spend a few moments at one, but never every week.
"I don't go to parties." I settle my gaze on the guideline sheets while nausea passes through me.
Hunter mustn't sense my discomfort, or I must be hiding it well. "You should come with all us guys and have fun. Don't be so tense all the time." He mistakes my state.
Feelings bubble within me that force my jaw to clench. I wanted to snap at him. Yell at him for no reason. Use him as a punching bag.
I can never step into a party full of teenagers and drunk men for a long time. If not ever. It's a scene for disaster. It was my scene of disaster.
The worse night of my entire life.
"Parties aren't my thing." I stay calm when Hunter sighs loudly and leans back into his chair.
His eyes roam the classroom of students working and the teacher carelessly observing now that she's in the room. Hunter seems deep in thought.
"You won't even go with Henderson? Jake? Me? Any of us?" He's pushing his luck. My check only grows worse and my head shakes. "Alright then. Your loss."
It was my loss. When I was sixteen, my biggest loss.
The topic of the party dies down and so does my bubbling frustration towards Hunter since he'd stopped asking.
Small talk rises between us occasionally, but I would curse at him to be quiet and work on a layout for the assignment every time he tried speaking to me.
I had survived another two more periods of class, even with Mia and her friends pestering me in one. Now, I'm walking into the gym to sit on the bleachers whilst the basketball team practices in the lunch time break.
The cheerleading team once again is in here, but it is missing it's team captain, Kimberly, and Natasha. The girls are in their training gear and sit on the ground in silence. No one is speaking to each other like they use to.
I tear my eyes away from that tragic scene. That team was once so happy and lively. I miss being captain more than anything. Not just being captain, the community us girls had.
When I was discharged from the hospital, and went back to school only months ago, I expected everything with the team to go back to normal.
But when I came ready to lead the squad, Mia had taken over and refused to let me join. She voted herself as the leader and had went as far to throw a fake melt down at the principal about how she was 'scared I was in too bad of a state to participate'.
So, I was deemed incapable to rejoin. Because of my disorder and that I could let them down again.
It was a harsh jab. One that made me cry for days on end. All my years of cheering- gone.
I make my way to the bleachers and sit the third row up. My bag is tossed on the ground and I watch the basketball team jog out of their change room, all laughing. They have nothing to worry about.
They're doing what they love. Not sitting back watching over people ruin it for them. Like me. Like I had to.
One of the cheer girls stands and marches towards the bleachers. Towards me. It's Becky, the girl Mia was yelling at a few days ago. It had been so long since we had last spoken that she feels like a stranger to me.
She once wasn't.
"Hey, Lolita." Her rosy cheeks show her perfectly placed dimples as she smiles. Mia would have her head if she saw her sitting with me. "I wanted to tell you that team was better when you were captain. We all want you back. Everyone beside Mia, Natasha, and Kimberly- obviously."
They talk about me? Still? I return her smile. "I tried to come back, but Mia wouldn't allow it and even convinced our principal to not allow me."
Becky's dark eyebrows that match her ebony hair shoot up in surprise. "I'm sorry, I had no clue. None of us did. I'm sure everyone would out vote them three girls for you. It's the team against them, we can get you back."
I wanted nothing more. I dreamed of wearing my little cheerleading outfit and feeling my body glide through the air as if I were weightless.
There's determination in her eyes, but my stare let's her down. "Thank you, but I don't think it's that easy."
I had been so focused on talking with Becky that I see Mia and her friends enter the gym and climb the bleachers.
None of them are happy. Scolds are bared, sharp eyes flick between the two of us, and the ring leader huffs.
"Becky what are you doing talking her?" Mia spits the words like arrows. Immediately, Becky's shoulders slouch forward in defeat. "Go back to the rest of the team, now."
Without a word more, the sweet girl practically runs away with her head hung low. The team shoots her sympathetic glances.
"I didn't know talking to someone was a crime." What she'd done was ridiculous. I try to remain in control of my emotions.
"It is now. She's suppose to be training, but blubbering with you." Natasha places a hand on each of her hips, and Kimberly nods. These are barely insults. Childs play.
I can see William in the background throwing worried stares my way while trying to play basketball. He looks unsure if he should step in. I shake my head at him. I don't need to be saved.
"Anyway," Mia stops her friends from talking, "you need to stop living in the past. You're not captain anymore. You need to stop staring at all of us like a lost little puppy."
Deep breaths. "Are you finished? Aren't you suppose to be training your team?" I never understood why they all hate me so much. It came out of nowhere the day I met them, and hasn't stopped.
Perhaps it was still rage directed at me for William choosing me. Mia had panted after him when we first came to Lacewood High, and she didn't like that he and I were such close friends.
He always refused to go anywhere near her. For three reasons; one- he had no desires for her, two- she was a cruel person, and three- she bullied me.
Mia scoffs hardens her eyes. Even her body had tended. Now I'd angered the beast under her skin. "You're still the same old Lolita, aren't you? Can't stand up for herself, can she? She always has her three little musketeers fighting her battles for her."
Three musketeers. Suddenly Hunter is included?
This attack came from no where. She was desperately reaching for harsh things to say that would affect me. But she's used most of them already.
Mia leans in closer and whispers, "that day in class when you dropped down, I had a smile on my face. I liked the thought of not dealing with your attention seeking anymore. Yet, so long later, you came back here and gave none of us peace." She pauses. "You're a dirty liar for what you did to Noah."
They walk away, leaving me with a sinking feeling in my stomach. All courage I had I vanished. For a long time, I forgot that people like her wished me dead. Wished me to be nothing by a grave stone.
William had witnessed my sudden mood change because he tosses the ball to one of the other boys on the team and jogs over to me, shooting the girls a glare on the way.
"Lols, are you okay?" He crouches in front of me, but I barely can see him. Like a ghost, but the nickname kept me tethered to whatever shred of sanity I had.
I nod weakly. Not having the strength of words right now. I need reality to tumble back to me.
"What's wrong?" Jake appears by William's side, and soon Hunter follows. Maybe Mia was right, everyone else fights my battles. The three musketeers.
One follows, they all follow.
"Nothing. I'm okay." I think I am. I'm unsure what I feel. "It was Mia being Mia again. Nothing new."
"What did she say?" Hunter questions at the same time Jake opens his mouth. William places his hand on my knee in a comforting manner and I lean my side to his.
I only feel even more vulnerable with his warm body beside me, and Hunter- who I still don't like, being here.
"Not much." I lie, wanting to not appear weak. "Just a few snarky comments like usual." William raises an unimpressed brow. I huff. "She said that she wanted me dead that day in class, that I gave no one peace from coming back here. She even called me a liar again about what happened."
"Fucking bitch." My body flinches hearing William curse like this. He's never called anyone a bitch before. But when she brought up my disorder and Noah in some insult- it struck home.
I don't like Hunter being here to witness this. A few days ago, he was making out with Mia. Even though he'd pushed her away and ignored her- I wouldn't forget it.
Today is filled with surprises. "I mightn't know what happened in 'class', but I can say that she's wrong. There's people here that are blessed to have you. There's not many people in the world who are as real as you are."
I want to glare at him- I really do. But I can't.
Hunter had switched something about himself so fast that moulded into the person that's here being nice. I wasn't prepared for it.
Jake sends Hunter an odd look that I can only describe as unusual. Like he was a foreign being amongst us. Even William was surprised that he isn't at either mine or Jake's throat.
He was being civil.
The least I can do is smile back. Not force it. A real grateful grin.
"Don't listen to them." Jake now inputs. "They can't see past their eyelashes. They're missing out on how amazing you are." He too receives a smile.
Jake seems tired again. His eyes are lined with heavy bags, his face more sagged than usual, and his hands twitching.
William's hand pats my knee- stealing my attention. "Lolita, you have always been better than them. They're all jealous that you are the Lolita Brown. The Lolita Brown everyone wanted to be or be with, the head cheerleader, the most loved girl in the school because you are kind."
"I was, I'm not anymore." It had hit me in the gut. I know he was trying to be nice, but they were backhanded insults. "I'm Lolita Brown now. The Lolita who lived in hospital, the girl who has giants to run to defend her. I've made a mess of my life."
"In our eyes, you came out stronger and better than ever." Jake cuts in before I could let more depressing words flow.
My progress towards learning to accept myself failed within minutes.
I don't care what I had openly revealed in front of Hunter. He already knew some things, and it's only a matter of time before he hears of why I get called a liar. Lacewood does that. Spreads your own trauma out line clothes on a line.
Everyone knows my whole story, and I hated it. There is always a person who has connections in town that feed them news.
I had lost consciousness in class, so that was no secret. But a student had a cousin that worked at the hospital who started rumours that I'd been locked up, and someone else had a relative who worked in the courts who heard my case with Noah.
It made sense to them as they thought back to the basketball after party that had been raided by police. It hadn't. They'd been called for me.
Even still, people thought I lied about it despite the horrific tests I went through for evidence. They thought my disorder was for attention.
Bulimic Bitch, and Dirty Liar.
"You're Lolita Brown, that's something to be proud of."
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