I woke up again to the smell of Alix. This whole house smelled like him, like fresh cut grass and summertime. The next thing I registered was that I felt terrible. I hurt all over, and when I spread my fingers in front of myself, my index finger bent at a weird angle.
"Do what you will."
I saw myself in third person, watching myself get beat up for information I was unwilling to give. My fist clenching before he snapped back my finger in a blossom of pain. In my recollection, the pain had color. The pain looked purple, even if no one else could see it. A blossom over my stomach. Purple in my head, covering my vision and filling my throat so air was hard to get.
The purple was weaker here, but it existed in a deep ache instead of pricking snaps. My head pounded, and under my pale skin, my veins looked purple. I did not even want to look in a mirror, because I was sure the sight would be ghastly.
I looked around at the tiny room I was in and saw Key sitting on a chair next to me. "Is Codette okay?" I asked quickly, groaning at the pain in my lip.
"She made a miraculous recovery," Key said bitterly. "She's outside, playing with Alix."
"Key..." I croaked out, placing my hand on top of hers.
"Look, it's okay, Guin. You've won. You won a long time ago. He's...he's crazy about you."
I did not feel as terrible as I thought I would. I had no idea where the magic for two huge acts came from, I just felt it inside of me. I knew I could save people, and so I did. "I haven't won. This isn't a competition, and I don't want to win. You're my friend, and I don't want to see you hurt."
She was almost yelling at me now. "You're too good! You're so good, even I think you're amazing and perfect. You were my mentor, and yet I found myself hoping, for a split second, that you would stay in that place," she admitted.
"We all make mistakes," I whispered.
"You don't, apparently. You're perfect."
"I've made so many mistakes. Terrible ones, too. Nobody is perfect." I shook my head. Nobody was perfect in life, not even those who put a fake mask of perfection. Especially not me, as hard as I tried.
"Like what? You're beautiful and kind. Even I see it, I can't even hate you because you're perfect."
"Recently? I went on an angry rampage, denounced my gods, married a psychopath set on aggrandizement. I killed my mentor, I exploded my family's underground base, called Blade a nobody."
"He still loves you. And you love him. It's the perfect fairytale. They tell your story as a folk tale on the streets. The princess and her guard. If only I wasn't here to get in the way."
"You're not in the way. You're my friend. And I'm not in love with him. But you've still got so much time, you can find someone else even more worthy of you."
"He's perfect, too," she said. "You two are perfect together. He's been slaving away, trying to get you out for so long. He would move heaven and earth for you. Your gods wrote a perfect fairytale for you, but they forgot about the little nobody sitting on the side. Born to be a side character in your happily ever after."
"Everyone has their own story. I don't know where you are in it, but this isn't the end. Alix is just a small part of your life." I squeezed her hand a little. "I promise. Don't let your life revolve around a boy. And if the gods don't give you a story you like, make your own. You're a strong, independent woman who can forge her own path." I coughed raggedly.
She sighed. "When I was little, I always dreamed of having a knight in shining armor come and save me from a house where I was tutored at home and stuck in a house all day. Every girl dreams of that kind of thing. And then I joined the Magia and met Blade. He's strong, smart, and so brave. And then I found out he's a real guard...I fell for him so hard. And it hurts so much right now." She brushed a tear from her face.
"I'm so sorry," I whispered.
"It's not your fault." She sniffled. "Love works in unexpected, mean ways. It'll figure itself out, even if I'm alone forever."
"I'll always be your friend," I promised coughing even more into my hand. A little red showed on my hand, and I tried to hide it behind my back quickly.
Key saw and she grabbed my wrist, and my palm opened reflexively. "Guin... you shouldn't have healed Codie. You should have waited. Your health is fading, really fast. I have no idea how you have so much magic, but it's draining you."
"It was the right thing to do. I knew I could do it, so I had to," I tried to defend myself, rubbing my hand on the side of my tattered dress.
She shook her head. "Why did I even try? I never had a chance. You saved his sister at the expense of yourself. We don't have the money to pay for a medic, and we don't have the magic to fix you by ourselves."
"It's okay," I said, my breathing heavy. "I was dying anyways...I'm surprised I'm not dead."
"You're the strongest person I know." She smiled at me. "It'll take a while, but you can do it. You'll heal."
"I have magic...in my office at the Magia. If you can get me the gold in the cabinet, I could heal myself."
"Why didn't you say so before?" Key said.
"Because the Magia is six feet under." I coughed again. "Lots of dirt."
"They're working on excavating it...I can get it." She had a mischievous fling in her eye. "I'm going to get it." She stood and headed out. "I'll be back! Don't die!"
"Wait—" I objected.
"Getting into locked doors is my specialty. This is just a new door." She winked before she hopped out the door, sliding down the side of the ladder.
I dozed off again, letting my eyes succumb to the black. I dreamed of my mother.
I was a small child, around five, and my mother was sitting on a stool behind me. She was braiding my long hair, placing small petunias between the plaits. As a child, nothing felt better than soft, gentle hands touching your hair. "Mama?" I asked. "Why is the sky so blue? Why is it black sometimes? The black is scary, I don't like it."
My mother chuckled and tucked my hair behind my ear, looking at the mirror in front of us. "There's no need to be afraid of the dark, Flower. The sky is blue in the day, just like your eyes, yes? That's because the sky is the eye of a god. The gods are always watching, and they make sure you stay safe. Gods sleep like you and me, but that doesn't mean they're not still there. Don't be afraid of the dark anymore, my sweet. I'll always be here if you need me."
I was older, around eight, the time when my mother died. I was holding hands with the most beautiful woman in the world. We were sitting in a field, watching as birds passed. "Mama?" I asked, looking up at her. "Why do the birds have wings and I don't?"
She smoothed my hair down, her eyes warm as she looked at me. "The birds need to move. The birds are messengers, travelers, signs of peace, like a dove, or sadness, like a raven. You see that cardinal there? It's a sign of cheerfulness. Watch for the birds. They know more than anyone. Maybe one day, you'll find your own wings, little bird."
I remembered how I smiled, imagining myself with wings. If anyone had wings, it was my mother. She was light and bright and seemed to spread good cheer when she laughed. I almost expected bright white wings to sprout from her back when she smiled. She was a sign of happiness. My happiness.
Soon, she got her wings. I imagined her with glowing angel wings, bright white and as tall as her. She would have loved to fly. But they buried her, six feet under the ground. They trapped her in a place where she would never be able to touch the sky.
I was thirteen now, alone in my own bed at night. I sprang awake, haunted by nightmares. I had a lantern on next to my bed at all times, but I flicked on my light anyway. I felt sweaty and panicked, and I saw a raven perched on my balcony. It was a waning moon outside, outlined by a smattering of freckles called stars. I drew my curtains tight, hiding from the sleeping gods.
My heart started to calm as I surrounded myself with light, lighting every lantern I had in my room. I heard her voice in my head: Don't be afraid of the dark anymore. But I could never listen. I was haunted by the monsters that lurked in the night, but every night I went out to face them anyways.
Now, I was seventeen, laying in my bed. No. Alix's bed. But my mother was sitting next to me, sitting in the chair beside. "Mama," I croaked.
"Flower." She leaned forward and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. "You're dying."
"At least I get to be with you," I said. "I've wanted to see you again."
She shook her head. "They need you here, still. Someday you'll see me."
"Is it scary? Dying?" I asked softly.
She shook her head. "You're dying, but you're not going to die today. When your time comes, I'll accept you with open arms. But it's not your time. True death, though...the gods don't make it easy."
She disappeared, and I felt myself drift into a dreamless sleep, finally. Darkness overwhelmed me for a long time, but I heard snippets of conversation and saw pieces of the room I was in, every once in a while. Nothing I could put together into something resembling sense. I tumbled through the darkness of sleep, battling my long time enemy for what would not be the last time. After seeing my mother, whether she be a dream of my subconscious or truly the woman I had loved and lost, I was determined to crawl my way from the depths of the afterlife, if I had to. I was not done.
I finally awoke for more than five seconds, and Alix was asleep in the chair next to me. It was dark out, and my heart began to beat faster, but I breathed deeply and brought myself to an easy calm. I tried to look away from the door and window filled with darkness, and saw Codie in the other bed. I should have gone to sleep again, but I was determined to get out of this bed. Who knew how long I had been in it, and I had stiff muscles all over my body.
I moved gingerly, hanging my feet over the side of my bed before standing up, on my own two feet, finally. Immediately, I fell to the ground in a loud heap. Alix was on his feet in an instant, scanning the room for what had awoken him. He had always been a light sleeper and quick to react to anything. To my embarrassment, he saw me lying on the floor and walked over and held out a hand to help me up.
My legs were incredibly stiff and I was hurting all over my body. I was incredibly skinny and pale, and my bones were visible as I took his outstretched hand. "Sorry," I said, rubbing my arm and sitting on the side of the bed.
"You shouldn't have gotten up. But I'm kind of glad you did. It woke me up, and I know you wouldn't have otherwise. What do you need? Water? Food? We have food."
"Water would be great. How long have I been asleep?" I asked, looking at the floor.
"A few days," he said. "You were so weak. I thought I felt your pulse stop a few times. I was checking it a lot." His cheeks slightly flushed red. He handed me a glass of water. "And I'm going to get you some food, too," he insisted. "Just wait a second."
I sat back against the bed frame, looking around his house. "Is this really your whole house?" I asked in shock.
"Yeah, well...I can't really afford any more than this." He sounded flustered. I could almost see him, scratching at the back of his neck even though he was out of my line of sight.
"Why didn't you tell me? There's so much of your life I don't know. You never really mentioned Codie much even though it's clear she's important to you, nothing about the Magia, not how small and cramped your house is. I don't feel like I know you at all." My voice trailed off in sadness as I took in the small, sad room.
"You do know me. All of the important stuff, and a lot of the unimportant stuff, too. I didn't want you to pity me, or offer me money. I don't need it. I'm surviving."
"Barely surviving isn't good enough for you. It isn't good enough for Codie, either. You should have swallowed your pride for just long enough to realize I could have helped your sister," I scolded.
"Duty. Honor. Sacrifice. Guards live on it. I thought I was practicing all three, but I guess I was doing none of them." He sighed, coming back to me with a sandwich. "I should have, but I didn't. Can we let bygones be bygones?"
"Sure. But you need to move soon. This place looks tiny. Is this your bed? Where have you been sleeping?" I asked.
"On the chair or the floor," he said. "I got a few blankets and a pillow, so I'm fine wherever."
"Oh no you're not. You're sleeping in your own bed tonight. I'll sleep on the floor," I said seriously, already planning on it.
"No you won't. There's no way I'm going to let you sleep on the floor when your health is this weak." He came back with a pink plate and a perfect peanut butter and honey sandwich cut in diagonal quarters. I raised an eyebrow and he shrugged. "I make my sister's lunch every day."
I took a piece and took a bite. My whole body was hurting all over. Even my mouth was aching, but it tasted really good. "Mmm. You're a good brother."
He shrugged. "I try." He sat on the side of his bed next to me. He took something out of his pocket and handed it to me. I saw a glint of gold and saw my nugget of gold from my office.
"How did you....?" I asked, taking it from him. I rolled it around in my palm.
"Key got it. Scared me to death when she came here in the middle of the night, covered in dirt to give this to me. She's been around, in and out. Mostly out, but she's been here for you. We both tried to use the magic to heal you...but you were too far gone." His voice cracked. "I thought you were going to die on me."
Sometimes, there were some things even magic could not do. Nature took its toll, and sometimes trumped magic. I remembered watching my mother in her sickbed as my father tried everything. He brought the entire Orb into her sickroom for a healer to try and save her. But nature had its own way, and the gods took what they wanted when they wanted.
Beautiful, kind, and dead before her time. That could have easily been me. I took the gold from him, feeling the magic seep into my skin. "Not today," I said. "Once you get too far gone, it's between you and the gods. It's not my time. But this healing might take a while."
"It took you like, a second to heal Codie," he pointed out. "You're really good at healing. So you're fixable now, right?"
"Codie had a pretty clean break, centralized in one place. Me..." I looked down at my body, battered and bruised. "It's deeper than that."
He nodded. "Of course. Can I stay?" he asked hopefully.
"Sure. But you can't distract me. This is delicate work and I need to concentrate." I settled in and closed my eyes. I paid careful attention to every place where my body was in pain. There were a lot of places.
Slowly, I brought magic up my fingers and through my body, concentrating on the places of my body where it hurt the most. I spread magic along my ribs, healing cracks; my eyes as I felt my bruises fade; and my legs to lessen the aching. I brought some life and sun into my skin so I wouldn't look like a vampire anymore.
It took less magic than I had thought it would. Magic was never an exact science and I felt refreshed already, so I also did a few little cosmetic things. I freshened my mouth and flattened my hair into tighter curls. I eased my headache, and finally, I decided I felt good. The magic in the gold was almost gone, but I felt almost as good as new. I yawned, absolutely exhausted, but that had to be fixed by sleep. I was tired because of magic, so it couldn't be fixed by it.
My eyes glanced over to Alix, who was asleep in his bedside chair again. I sighed and rolled over, closing my eyes once more. Tomorrow. Tomorrow he would finally sleep in his own bed. He had given me enough kindness. I smiled softly to myself and thought about him as I drifted to sleep.