#ABNQ50 Chapter 50
It still hasn't sunk in yet.
I felt... empty.
I didn't know what to feel. I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what to do.
It felt like one day, I knew where my life was headed. The person I was sure who'd be with me 'til the end... Hanggang wala na.
Suddenly, my life took a turn.
"Joey..." Agad akong napalingon nang makita ko si Kitty. "Tinawagan ako ni Jax. 'Di ka pa raw kasi kumakain."
Hindi ako maka-galaw. Naka-higa lang ako sa kama habang naka-tingin sa dingding. Bigla akong nawalan ng gana na gumalaw. Kasi hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin naiintindihan kung bakit kailangang umabot sa ganito.
"Huy..." she said while poking me. "I'm actually really happy na tinawagan ako ni Jax, pero 'wag naman ganto."
Sana kasi hindi na lang siya ganon. Sana kahit konti, may tiwala siya sa 'kin. Kasi hindi naman 'yung tao na iniisip niya. I wouldn't betray him. I would've been loyal. Because I know how it feels to be betrayed.
"You still have to enroll, Jocelyn!" she said, pulling me up with her. "Come on! 'Wag ka namang ganito!"
"Wala akong gana," tahimik kong sabi.
"Doesn't matter. Life doesn't pause; world doesn't stop. Tuloy pa rin ang buhay," she said. Biglang sumeryoso ang mukha niya. "I don't know why you two broke up—"
"We didn't break up," I corrected her.
"Ano'ng tawag sa ginawa niyo?"
Hindi ako makasagot. Hindi ko rin alam. Hindi ko alam kung bakit biglang doon kami napunta kami... kasi akala ko okay kami. Alam ko na may problema siya, pero alam ko na kaya naming malusutan 'yun. Pero paano mangyayari 'yun kung ayaw niya namang magpatulong? Ayaw niyang umalis 'dun. Na kahit ano'ng paliwanag ko, doon at doon pa rin kami bumabagsak.
I couldn't fix him.
Siya lang ang makakatulong sa sarili niya.
"We took a break. Cool off. Hindi ko alam," naguguluhan na sagot ko. Nanunuyo iyong lalamunan ko. Kagabi pa ako umiiyak. Umiiyak kasi natatakot ako. Hindi ko alam kung ano iyong mangyayari ngayon. "Nakausap mo na ba siya?"
"Si Psalm?" she asked. I nodded. I couldn't even say his name because I was afraid that my voice would break. It still felt raw. It still sting. "Hindi. Hindi ko alam kung nasan. Hindi rin alam nila Steele."
Bigla akong napahawak sa dibdib ko. Pakiramdam ko nagsisikip na naman siya.
"Hindi kaya nabibigla lang kayo sa desisyon niyo? I mean, I really thought na ano... kayo na talaga hanggang ending?" Kitty said with a sympathetic smile.
"We need this," I said. "We couldn't just go round and round. Parehong problema."
"And you think taking a break is the solution?"
I shook my head because truth be told, I didn't know what I was doing. Ang alam ko lang, hindi ko na kaya na pag-awayan pa namin si Marcus. Hindi ko na kaya na marinig na nagseselos siya kay Marcus. Napapagod ako. Nagsasawa ako. Nasasakal ako.
"I tried telling him. Over and over again. Na magkaibigan lang kami ni Marcus. Hindi niya ako maintindihan."
Kitty sighed. "I don't know with you, guys. Malaki na kayo. Alam niyo na ginagawa niyo..." she said, then gently patted the top of my head. "Pero you still need to enroll..."
* * *
I was supposed to be really happy today. Kasi mag-aaral na ako. I was about to take the first step towards reaching my dreams... pero bakit ganon? Mas lamang iyong hirap at lungkot sa dibdib ko.
I was supposed to be with him today. He was supposed to accompany me while I enroll...
So many plans.
So many promises.
All of them broken.
"Kaya ko na," sabi ko kay Kitty. Nagpupumilit siya na samahan ako para kuhanin iyong mga credentials ko sa SCA. Alam ko na marami din siyang kailangang gawin para sa law school, pero ayaw niyang pumayag na iwanan akong mag-isa.
Umiling siya. "I want to be here," she said. "I'll accompany you all day, okay? Hanggang sa matatakan ng enrolled 'yang form mo."
Hindi ko mapigilang mapa-ngiti. I knew I was lucky to have friends like her—who got my back no matter what. Who'll always lend a helping hand; who's always ready listen even when no one's willing to talk.
Agad kaming pumunta ni Kitty sa SCA. Habang naglalakad kami doon, hindi ko mapigilang sumikip ang dibdib dahil parang nakikita ko kaming dalawa ni Psalm. I could see us while we were walking side by side. How sometimes, I'd watch him jog around the oval. How he'd always accompany me to the cafeteria when I was hungry. How he'd walk me to the car park when it's already dark.
He's just everywhere.
I could see him everywhere.
"Huy..." Kitty said, elbowing me. "Umiiyak ka na naman."
Agad akong napa-hawak sa pisngi ko. Hindi ko napansin na umiiyak na pala ako.
"It's gonna be fine, Joey. Not now, pero someday. Alam mo? Naniniwala talaga ako na kapag para sa 'yo, para sa 'yo talaga. Baka 'di lang talaga ngayon, alam mo 'yun? Maybe this is destiny's way of saying na kailangan niyo muna mag grow up para kapag right time na, mas okay na kayong dalawa."
Alam ko naman 'yun. But why couldn't we grow together? Why couldn't we be together while we're trying to figure our shits out? Bakit kailangan na magkahiwalay kami?
I hate wasted time.
Time we could've spent together.
"So while you're trying to figure your shit out, go get that medical degree. Be a doctor. Chase your dreams. Because if it's really meant to happen? Trust me, it will happen."
Nagpunta kami ni Kitty sa registrar para ayusin iyong forms ko. Habang nag-aayos kami, sobrang bigat pa rin ng dibdib ko. Pakiramdam ko, kahit saan ako tumingin, nakikita ko si Psalm. Kahit ano'ng isipin ko, sa kanya pa rin ako bumabagsak.
"What time tayo bukas?" Kitty asked. The process took the whole day kaya naman bukas pa namin makukuha iyong forms ko.
I shook my head. "Ako na lang. Kaya ko na mag-isa bukas," sagot ko sa kanya.
"You sure?"
I nodded. "Yeah. Thanks for today," I said. I was really thankful for having her in my life. She's always there come hell or high water. Alam ko minsan hindi kami nagkaka-sundo sa mga opinyon namin, but we always pull through. At the end of the day, we know that our friendship is more important than the things we couldn't agree on.
Nang maihatid ako ni Kitty sa bahay, agad kong naabutan si Jax. He was looking at me like he's really worried. And I knew he was. He wouldn't show it, but I knew he really cared for me.
"I'll miss you," I said.
Agad na mas sumeryoso ang mukha niya. "Stop fucking saying things like that," he said. I almost flinched because I never hear him cuss.
I smiled. "No, I mean..." I said, sighing. "I... I decided I won't study in SCA."
"What?"
"I need a clean slate. I don't think I can study there kasi kahit saan ako lumingon, nakikita ko si Psalm," sabi ko habang malungkot na ngumiti. "I'll probably fail my classes because I'll be too depressed kakaisip sa kanya."
"Are you being serious right now?"
I nodded. "I thought about this... for like 3 hours?" sabi ko. "I know you'll probably think it's stupid—"
"Of course it's stupid!" he cut me off. "You're just gonna give up on your dream school? Iyon na 'yun?"
Umiling ako. "No. Hindi ganon. I thought about this, Jax. I don't want to study there. Akala ko lang gusto ko kasi doon ka rin nag-aaral. Kasi doon graduate si Papa. I just... I just want to take my own path. Go somewhere else. Discover who I am, what I really want. I'd been too dependent on this family for so long. Kayo nila Papa, lagi niyo akong inaalagaan, and I will always be thankful... But I think it's time for me to try to be independent."
His jaw tightened. "I still think that this is, by far, your most stupid decision."
I smiled. "I can't fly if I'll stay in my cage."
Hindi pa rin nagsalita si Jax. Alam ko na kahit hindi niya sabihin, ayaw niya na umalis ako. Sanay siya na magkasama kaming dalawa palagi. Kasi kaming dalawa lang naman talaga palagi. We wouldn't acknowledge it, but we're best friends. Kasi nung panahon na wala pang trabaho sila Mama, kaming dalawa lang iyong magkasama. Kaming dalawa lang iyong naghahati sa isang tinapay kasi wala kaming makain.
And I'd hate parting from him, too, but it's a change that needed to happen.
"We can still meet in the weekends, you know?" I said, trying to lighten the mood. "Cavite's just an hour away," I continued, trying to appease him. "Plus... I doubt if you'd notice that I'm gone. Next sem, schoolmate mo na rin si Kitty."
Jax still looked so serious that his stare could definitely cut glass.
"I fucking hate Psalm," he said.
I laughed. "I still love him, though."
"Then fucking get back together and stay."
I shook my head. "We need this," I said, then hugged him. "Yung blessing ko para sa future girlfriend mo, para kay Kitty lang."
* * *
I prepared all the things I needed for my enrollment. Nung una, ayaw akong payagan ni Mama dahil wala naman daw akong alam sa pamumuhay mag-isa. It actually surprised me because Papa supported my decision. I really thought that I'd have to fight them para makapag-aral ako sa Health Institute kaysa sa SCA College of Medicine kagaya ng original kong plano.
But plans change.
Life happens.
"Are you sure about this?" Jax asked.
"A break?" he asked.
I nodded. "We need this. Ang toxic nito, Psalm. Ang toxic na parating nagdududa, na parating parang palaging dapat may patunayan."
Umiling siya. "I don't want to break up."
"But you don't want to trust me either. Ano'ng choice meron ako, Psalm? Ano'ng gagawin ko? Kasi sinubukan ko na magpaliwanag, pero wala namang nangyari. Nilayuan ko naman dati si Marcus kasi 'yun 'yung gusto mo. Tinanong naman kita kung okay, pero 'di ka nagsabi ng totoo. I just don't know what to do anymore."
Umiling ulit siya. "No. I don't want to break up," ulit niya.
Lumapit ako sa kanya. Hinawakan ko iyong pisngi niya. Tinitigan kong mabuti iyong mga mata niya.
"I need you to get your shit together, Psalm. We can't be together if you can't trust me. Ayoko rin nito. Nasasaktan ako. Pero kailangan 'to. Hindi pwede na palaging ganito... because if this continues, I know that one day, we'd grow to hate each other... and I don't want that for us."
Because that's what happens when you don't address the problem. It grows. Slowly. But it grows... Hanggang sa hindi mo na mapansin. Hanggang sa hindi mo na alam.
Hanggang sa ayaw mo na.
"When you're fine, when I'm fine, we'll meet, okay? We'll talk and we'll be okay."
Umiling pa rin siya. Umiiling habang nagsisimulang magtubig ang mga mata niya.
"Remember what you told me before? Sabi mo sa 'kin, 'di ka nagmamadali. That if it's supposed to happen, it will happen. You told me to think of this as me working on myself. Para kapag kilala ko na siya, mas maayos na akong tao," I reminded him. "Consider this as us working on ourselves..."
Tinignan ko siya nang mabuti.
"I don't want to break up," he repeated. "Joey, I love you so much. I can't do this."
I smiled, and caressed his cheek. "Someday, okay? We'll be fine," I said before I pulled his head down on mine.
I smiled at Jax, and nodded. "I need this."