"Everything happened way too fast, couldn't stop until we crashed." - Jonah Marais
A few yards away from where the party was taking place, Ian was sitting in the sand and running his hands through it as he gazed off at the horizon.
"Hey, E," I mumbled, taking a seat next to him. I was sure to put some space between us. "Everything okay?"
"It's fine." He looked away from the ocean as he shrugged. "It's weird to be back when everything is so different."
"I don't think anything has changed much," I defended. Maybe that's hard for me to tell since I've been watching everything develop over the past four years. Last he saw this city was when he was 18 before he left for the army.
"You've changed," Ian mumbled so quiet I could barely hear him over the sound of the waves hitting the shoreline. "You really like him?"
"I do."
"Well, good." Ian finally looked at me with a forced smile. He was trying to convince me that he really was fine, and I wanted to believe him to make everything easier, but I couldn't just ignore it.
He's hurt that in the four years he was enlisted, I managed to move on, which wasn't the easiest task to do by any means. Accepting that Ian and I had to go our separate ways was the hardest thing I've ever done.
"This isn't fair, Ian," I murmured, leaning back on my hands and staring out at the ocean.
"What's not fair?"
"This," I emphasized the word this time as I motioned to him and I. "You coming home and being hurt that I managed to move on, like it wasn't the most time consuming thing I've ever done." And it still is. I'm not even positive I'm completely moved on from him, and that is the unfair part.
"It's not like we wanted to break up, Jos." You're telling me. That thought had ran through my mind on repeat for about a year. The fact we never got proper closure is a huge part of the reason I struggled to even give Joel a chance.
The amount of 'what if's' and 'ands' and 'buts' that ran through my mind were endless.
What if Ian comes home sooner than we expected?
What if Ian finds out?
If I say yes to Joel, does that mean I am accepting I will never be with Ian?
Joel's a great guy, but Ian's THE great guy.
What if I lose Ian forever?
It never ended, and that's what wasn't fair.
"But we did." I looked down the shore at the party that was being thrown for Ian, despite him not even being on the premises. "I don't want you out of my life, E, but you have to know we will never have what we used to ever again."
I think it's unhealthy how physically painful that was for me to say.
I stood up with a deep sigh and held my hand out to help Ian get up. He bit has lip with his thinking face on before he chose to grab it and get up.
"Friends it is."
It visibly hurt him to say that, and it kind of hurt to hear it aloud, but it wasn't all bad. It kind of felt good to know Ian was okay with being just friends.
Ian and I walked back to the beach and sat down together at our spot Joel had claimed. Joel was still conversing with an inebriated Steven, who was wobbling around by the campfire that Joel was shielding him away from. From our distance, we managed to catch each other's gazes and exchanged smiles. I watched as he dragged Steven away from the fire and left him at a spot by some random girls, then he came to join Ian and I.
"Where are the girls?"
"Over there," I nodded over my shoulder in the direction I spotted my friends. "They were in the middle of an intense round of Jell-O shots, so I decided not to bother them."
A little white lie never hurt anyone.
Ian didn't say anything, even though he knew I didn't even go near Kaila and my other friends, but went to talk to him instead.
"I saved Ian instead from being bombarded with questions." Two little lies.
Besides, it would've been true eventually. There was definitely a whole beach full of people waiting to ask Ian what war was like, and he didn't need that.
"Cool," Joel nodded, taking a seat next to me — closer than he usually sits, might I add. "Steven's completely crossfaded, but I think those girls have distracted him from the fire." I followed Joel's gaze to his crossfaded friend who was sitting in between two girls that were definitely in Steven's realm of interest.
"Looks like it," I chuckled. Steven is an interesting character; it appalled me to find out he's Joel's best friend since they are polar opposites. Joel is rather put together while Steven lives by the saying 'I'm here for a good time, not a long time.'
"So, Ian," Joel started, sitting up straighter. Ian snapped out of his daze and looked at Joel with raised eyebrows.
I held back my giggle. He has always dazed off so easily. The teachers at school hated him for it.
"What's your plan now that you're back home?"
Ian looked a little taken aback by his question, like no one has asked him that. Everyone has been so caught up on the fact he's home and healthy that everyone forgot about his plan for when he's not stationed. Even I was guilty of that one.
"Honestly?" He sighed. "No idea yet. I need to get a job, probably full time." The mere thought of having to job search with no college education whatsoever under his belt looked to terrify him. I couldn't blame him either.
"I bet Westchester can find you a full time job here," Joel suggested. Wow, he really is taking everyone by surprise tonight, isn't he? I wanted them to get along, but I was not expecting Joel to suggest Ian work with us. "I mean, you did work here before you left right?"
Ian nodded slowly, looking at me. "Yeah, I guess you're right. I'll talk to him."
Why is it I wasn't overjoyed by the possibility of working with Ian again? Probably because I didn't want to have to be around my ex-boyfriend all the damn time.
"You play football right?" Ian asked Joel, making conversation this time.
"I do."
"Going pro?"
"That's the plan. I've got a semi-pro tryout that I leave for after the Fourth of July."
Right, that's next week. While Joel is gone for the week for tryouts, it'll be just me, Kaila, Mason, and Ian. This should be interesting.
Desperate to get a breath of fresh air away from the boys, I looked around for the girls only to find Jocey and Cara, Kaila no where in sight. Good enough.
"I'm going to talk to Jocey and Cara," I told them as I stood up. I think Ian can handle himself around Joel perfectly fine. He's always been able to handle himself.
On my way over to my friends, I heaved out a quiet sigh as I ran my hand through my messy blonde hair. Ian being home is going to be harder than I thought, and that's saying something.
~•~
"Have you seen Kaila?" I asked Joel about a half hour later. I had played an intense game of beer pong with Jocey against Cara and Mason where Jocey was the designated drinker since I'm designated driver tonight.
Joel glanced around the premises and shook his head. "Last I'd seen her was about twenty minutes ago. She went off with Ian somewhere."
I wonder if that was in regards to her secret she has only shared with Ian.
Though part of me did want to find them to eavesdrop, I didn't because I need to respect Kaila's position to keep it to herself until she is ready. It's a bummer, but it is her life.
"Have you been drinking?" I asked him, genuinely curious. I didn't really care if he was or not, but it's always hard to tell with him. The alcohol doesn't always hit him in the most obvious ways given his large build.
"Had a beer, but I'm not drunk," he assured me. I trusted him because he's not dumb; he'd never try to get behind a wheel if he was even somewhat tipsy. "I'm taking Steven and some of the guys back to my place, is that cool?"
I nodded as I smiled up at him. He's such a considerate person. "Yeah, I think the girls are coming over after this, anyway." I don't feel like driving to campus to drop them off in their drunken states.
Joel wrapped his arms around my waist and drew me in closer to his strong build. I ran my hands through his tousled hair and smiled at him, not even for any specific reason, just simply because I love how great of a person he is and how good he is to me.
"I'm going to round up the guys, I'll text you when I leave and get home," he decided before he leaned down and pecked my lips. "Tell Ian I said bye."
"Okay, I love you."
"Love you, too, Jos."
Joel strolled away in search for his friends while I stayed put in my spot in the sand, thinking about where Kaila and Ian may be. Not to eavesdrop, just to know where they are because I'd like to leave soon, but I don't want to go without saying bye first.
In the midst of my deep thought, a familiar face passed by that caught my attention.
"No freaking way! Noah Griffith!" I yelled as I ran after him. If he doesn't recognize me then I definitely resemble a crazy person.
Noah was Ian's friend from middle school when I had initially met Ian. We weren't as close with him as we were with Mason, for example, but he was a friend of ours up until the summer after sophomore year when he moved schools. I haven't seen him since, so it's been a solid 6 years.
"Josie Pappstein, what an honor," he smirked lightly. Though I'd only known Noah for two years of high school, it was obvious he was a little bit of a player. He just had that face.
I gave him a friendly hug. Though he still had that handsome face that won him many girls hearts freshman and sophomore year, he looked matured.
"I can't believe you remember me," I admitted. I feel like appearance wise, I've changed a lot. Instagram and Facebook I guess will help to some extent, but Noah isn't a very active social media user.
"I could never forget a character as unique as you," he winked. In high school, Mason swore that Noah would flirt with me playfully just to tick off Ian because everyone knew, besides me, that he had feelings for me. His harmless flirting always did do the job — ticking him off. "So you and Miller aren't together anymore?"
I shook my head, biting the inside of my cheek. "We broke up when he left for the army."
"I figured," he nodded in understanding. "I didn't even know the guy left until I ran into his brother up at MIT."
"MIT?" Sure, Noah was never dumb, but MIT seemed a little out of Noah's reach.
Noah thought the same because he literally burst out laughing. "That's cute you think that much of me, but not quite. My girlfriend goes there."
I was probably still just as shocked as I was at the possibility of him attending MIT as I am to hear Noah is in a long distance relationship. Last I checked, just according to Facebook posts, he still lives in Florida.
"Girlfriend?"
"Yeah, we've been dating since freshman year of college."
"Wow, Noah, I'm shocked, but good for you," I nudged him playfully. "What's her name?"
"Her name's Andrea. She wanted to come down, but she had work."
"Do you live with her?"
"We've been talking about it," he sighed. "I want to stay in Florida, and she wants to move back to her home state, Ohio."
I cringed, "Who would choose Ohio over Florida?"
Noah laughed and threw his hands in the air in astonishment. "That's what I said!"
"Well, I'm happy for you, Noah." Truly. "Have you said hi to Ian yet?" I feel like if he had, he would've told Mason or I by now.
"No, I just got in. I was just coming to say hi to Mr. W and saw the party. Honestly, didn't even know he was home yet. Hayden never fills me in on anything," he joked halfheartedly.
When Noah moved further down south after sophomore year, it had clearly affected him more than anyone expected. He hated having to walk away from the life he built here with his friends and classmates. The distance was enough to put strains on many friendships, which I guess is what surprised me most about his long distance relationship.
"Come on, I was looking for Ian anyway. We'll probably run into Mason along the way." I pulled on his arm to get him to join me on my quest to find Ian and Kaila.
"Mr. W's lounge he built is pretty cool. I know he started talking about it before I left."
"Yeah, he loves it. He just got it built a few years ago."
Maybe that's where Ian is — the lounge, talking to Mr. Westchester about getting a job for the time being.
Sure enough, inside of the well-structured lounge was Kaila and Ian chatting with Mr. Westchester at one of the tables.
I slowly approached their table with Noah by my side, not sure if they were having a friendly conversation or a work-related conversation. Mr. Westchester smiled when he saw us and motioned for us to come over. His hand movements are what got Kaila and Ian to turn around in their seats. Both of them looked utterly surprised to see Noah standing by me.
"Wow, man, it's been a minute," Ian pointed out after they shamelessly exchanged a tight hug. "You look grown."
"Look who's talking, army man." Noah punched his shoulder lightly.
That's him: Ian Miller, the army man.
•••
Ok so, super late, but technically still on time since it's still Friday.
My life has been pretty weird lately, i don't know how to explain it. Like everything that could be going wrong pretty much is, yet I'm totally fine. Like I'm chillen. However, I am curious when my breaking point will occur because with everything going wrong in my life, it could be any day... hahaha
Are you really human if you can't laugh through your own pain?
Tell me about your day in the comments! I read them all!!!
What did y'all think of Ian and Josie's talk? I get why Ian is upset, but I have to take josies side here. Wbu?
Hope you all had a fantastic Friday and your weekend is even better!!
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- Emily