The universe doesn't care.
Dear Miss Fawley, it doesn't care at all.
Your loves and losses and slights and grievances are nothing in an enormity that large.
Even you are inconsequential.
But, as dictated by the laws of chaos theory, the intricate spider web of cause to effect that very few are privileged enough to read into, you hold in your hands a very special butterfly. And all we need is for her to flap her wings just a little bit more. And for that, we need Sirius Black. We need Sirius Black to break you.
I am sorry for this.
But the universe needs you too much.
{===}
"I'm not joking." Sirius proclaimed, "I know you at least a bit. I have a list."
At some point during their movie-binging session, they had edged close enough that the bow of popcorn was now balanced perfectly between both of their legs. Alex could feel herself departing at least some of her wright onto his shoulder, an action that he was mirroring. Warmth seeped though the layers of fabric that separated them.
Alex raised her eyebrows at him, "A list?"
"A list." Sirius confirmed, "I know you like taking pictures, and Doctor Who, and astronomy, and now I know you like superhero movies. I know you're a werewolf, and you don't like that, and I know you don't like getting dressed up and socialising, and I know you're a dog person."
Alex pulled a face, "That last one sounded kind of self centred."
"It is still me you're talking to." Sirius reminded her.
"How could I forget?" Alex sighed in an exaggerated fashion, "And I know you like being a prat, and you would do pretty much anything for your friends, and half the time when you try and be self deprecating, you actually mean what you're saying about yourself."
Alex felt Sirius shift a little, "Wow, yours were much deeper than mine. I feel like I should backtrack with something about you looking better in pyjamas."
"I think that's an insult." Alex observed.
"It's not meant to be." He craned his neck to look at her, "However incredibly awkward I made it. You look, I dunno, happier? More Alex, I guess."
Alex frowned, "Is that a good thing?"
"I'm not sure." Sirius replied, completely straight-faced, "I only know one Alex, and she'd kind of a dick."
Alex twisted around to grab a pillow off her bed and hit him in the face, "Shut up."
"It's the sad truth." Sirius shook his head solemnly, "She makes puppy murder look like free ice creams."
"Yeah, well I only know one Sirius," Alex countered, hastily searching through her brain for a comeback, "And he makes cannibalism preferable to listening to him talk for another minute."
Sirius cocked an eyebrow, "You want to eat me? I'm not going to say there's an innuendo there, but feel free to fill in the blanks with my trail off ellipses..."
"Can we just pretend I came up with a brilliant insult that left you speechless?" Alex batted her eyelashes and leant her head on his shoulder.
Sirius choked a laugh, "Absolutely not. Sirius Black is never speechless."
Alex chose to take that as a challenge.
She waited a minute, drawing out the silence so it would be more of a surprise. Then, quite suddenly, she twisted so that she was on her knees next to Sirius and pressed her mouth against his.
He made a surprised noise, and took a second to fully comprehend the situation. Evidently, he decided to fully concede all attempts at wrapping his mind around what was going on because then he was kissing her back, winding his fingers into her hair.
Oddly enough, the only time he seemed more surprised was when she pulled back, and Sirius was left with his fingers still tangled up in her thick strands of brown hair, sort of staring at her weirdly.
"What's up, Black?" Alex asked, "You speechless?"
He opened his mouth wider, and then closed it, suddenly insulted, "Shut up."
"That's what I say." Alex threw a handful of popcorn at him, flopping back down so that her shoulder was rubbing against his once more, "So can it, Snuffles."
"You know Moony hasn't stopped calling me that since you came up with it." Sirius sounded slightly betrayed.
Alex grinned, "I would expect nothing less. I miss the time when you couldn't talk."
"Well, there is one sure way to shut me up."
Alex raised her eyebrows at him, "Was that flirting, Mr Black?"
"Oh, come on," Sirius buried his head in her shoulder, "I can't flirt now?"
He could feel her shaking when she laughed, "Be honest, Black, did you expect anything else?"
"Have you ever dated Logan?" Sirius asked suddenly. Alex immediately broke away from him, "That sounded way more insecure than I meant it."
"I-" Logan's gay, That was the truthful answer, that and the concept of a romantic connection with the muggleborn had never even begun to speculate the possibility of crossing her mind. But she didn't know who he was out to yet, and Alex was far from entitled to just hand out her friend's personal information, "No. That would be- Why?"
Sirius swallowed, obviously regretting his decision, "I just- You spent a lot of time together, and-"
"And you were jealous." Alex finished, feeling somewhat disappointed, "And possibly trying to dictate who I spend my time with. Which is wrong. If you were thinking that."
Sirius shook his head resolutely.
"And also completely gender assuming and heteronormative." Alex continued, she wasn't entirely sure what to say, but she was still irritated, so it made sense to keep talking, "Like, have you ever dated James?"
"No." Sirius admitted slowly, "But I did date Moony. If that's what you want to call it."
Alex blinked at that. Not what she had been expecting. What was it she had been saying about being heteronormative?
She tilted her head, "You did?"
"Yeah, but it was... I mean, we were both just figuring stuff out." Sirius explained, "We were friends before anything else."
Alex locked her eyes with him, "So... Bi?"
"Pan." He corrected, "Or omni. Or whatever the hell they call it. To be honest, the whole thing still confuses me."
"Just with a very specific thing for werewolves?" Alex asked, raising her eyebrows.
Sirius pointed an accusing finger at her, "You weren't a werewolf when I-"
"When you what?" She felt a smile tug at her mouth.
The boy opened his mouth once, and then closed it, and then opened it again. He looked rather like a fish. In the end, he gave up trying to act suave, "You know what I mean."
"I think I need you to spell it out for me." Alex attempted being smooth, but, as always, a thought snagged on her mind and she couldn't help adding, "And not in that Deadpool way with all the corpses."
Sirius searched her face for a moment. His expression was abruptly (pardon my pun) serious as he tucked a stray hair behind her ear. Alex was vaguely afraid.
It was with agonising sadness that Sirius said, "I think maybe we shouldn't do this."
"What?"
"This." He gestured between them, "Us. I don't- Your parents, and... And Micah's away, I don't want to take advantage or-"
Alex scoffed and turned away, shoving a few pillows back onto the bed, "I'm fairly certain I'm capable of making my own choices."
"But not all the time, right?" Sirius asked. He seemed nervous, that was new, "Sometimes you go... Not you, and then I don't know who's pulling the strings. So I think maybe we should wait-"
"Since when do you make decisions for me?" Alex cut in dangerously. She still hadn't turned to face him.
Sirius spluttered, "I just don't know if now's the right time for you-"
"And I should get to think about that, don't you think?" Alex made a frustrated sound, "I used the word 'think' too many times there, but my point still stands- I'm mad at you!"
"I know, but I- Shit!" Sirius had attempted to stand, only to grab the door handle of a wardrobe and wrench it open, sending him slamming to the floor once again.
Alex froze.
Lining the insides of the closet were rows and rows of little bottles labelled 'Alex' and 'Gryffindor Potion'.
"Fuck." Sirius was still on the ground. He hadn't seen the bottles yet. But he would.
They say that, before you die, your life flashes before your eyes, and in that moment, Alex's did.
But not the one she'd lived, the one she could live. The one with Lily and Marlene being a phone call away whenever she needed them. The one with Remus Lupin and his brilliant parents letting her stay in their spare room until she got herself a job and found a way to pay it back. The one with the Marauders being wonderfully irritating arseholes. The one where she found a way to be okay with the fact that she was a werewolf, and okay with the fact that she didn't fit in with other people, and okay with the fact that this information probably wouldn't change.
Because for some inexplicable reason, this future all hinged on Sirius Black.
It was like a line of dominoes. Lose Sirius, you lose the Marauders. Lose the Marauders, you lose Lily when she starts going out with James and pulls away. Marlene is stretched between two friendships until she is inevitably forced to choose and picks the longest lasting.
And then it was back to being Alex and Logan again. Except Logan hadn't spoken to her in weeks.
"Alex?" Sirius was reaching for one of the bottles, confusion making him forget that he was calling her by the first name.
Alex swallowed against the lump in her throat, "Black, I-"
"I knew there was something." Sirius said quietly. He held a small vial in his fingers, turning it over to expose more of the potion's shining irradiance, "But this... You drugged yourself, Fawley. You changed who you are."
Alex tried to scoff, "So what? No one liked who I was anyway."
"Logan did. Lily and Marlene did." He paused for a moment before adding, "I did."
"Oh great. Brilliant." Alex threw her hands in the air, "You know who isn't on that list, Toto? Me. And, to be perfectly honest, I think I deserve a life without constantly feeling like the only way for me to be a part of society is for me to lock myself up in my room. I think that waking up every day terrified that you've done something wrong is a shit way to live. And I think that I would rather be someone else than live like that. But who cares, right? At least the dog approves."
He stared at her for a long time, "You hated how you lived, not who you are."
"Oh fuck. Off." Alex snapped, "I did what I had to do."
"And there she is." Sirius laughed coldly, "There's the thing the potion created. The thing that doesn't care about anything or anyone. That hole in your chest, Fawley? The one you're trying to fill? The thing doesn't make it go away. It fills it with sand and pats it down and pretends it's all okay. And all it takes is a breath of wind at the right time to send it all tumbling away. I don't want the new you. I want the old one."
Alex rocked slightly on her feet for a moment. She stalked over to the bed, and swung her rucksack onto her back, "Consider the wind blown." She said as she swept out of the room.
{===}
Severus Snape stood on a street corner.
The text from Alex had pinged to his phone ten minutes previously, and the object now weighed down his right pocket with guilt. His left was currently occupied by another little vial of potion, which his fingers traced the label of absently. It was stronger, just a tiny bit stronger than her average dose, but it was enough. Enough to fulfil the boss's orders.
Diagon Alley seemed stranger at night. The shop windows were covered by blinds, quiet whistled along the cobblestones, a single lamppost glowed with this quaint little flame that flickered behind the glass.
It was colder than summer should allow.
But that was okay.
That was fitting.
"Severus?"
It was the voice of Alexandria Fawley.
Severus closed his eyes for a moment before turning. Alex didn't look like she'd been crying, but then, he didn't think he'd ever actually seen her cry. What she did look, more so than ever before, was utterly hopeless.
"Did you bring it?" Alex asked, shuffling closer so that the lamplight cast shadows across her face.
"I..." He trailed off, looking at her, "You're sure about this?"
Alex shot him a confused expression, "I've been taking it for months, when have I not been sure?"
"I just..." This was it. He should tell her. He should just say it. He should extrapolate the whole story about the Shadow Man's mission and her place in the order of things, but even he didn't know the full webbed map. He owed Alex nothing. He didn't. And that was the thought that would get him through this, "Nothing."
And he passed her the vial.
She downed it in one.
Severus watched her for a moment, slightly unsure what would happen now. Alex started shaking. Her fingers first, and then her whole body. A yell of pain tore itself from her throat before she tumbled to the ground. Then she was silent. And still.
"Fawley?" Severus asked cautiously, "Alex?"
Alex's wand appeared suddenly, producing a blast of magic that sent the greasy haired teenager flying backwards. He scrambled away as soon as he was able, the way you'd avoid going to Jurassic Park if you knew how the story ended.
The girl on the street of Diagon Alley had mousey brown hair, and dirty green eyes. She raised her head slowly and stood, the movement fluid and precise.
Her reflection became evident in the reflection of a shop window, and she tilted her head to examine it.
"Oh, no." The girl said, looking down at her outfit choice, "This won't do at all."
{===}
A/N
So.
I'm back. And Alex is... Not. Honestly, I leave those kids for five seconds and they've broke up, started doing drugs and had a full angst breakdown.
This was the first time I've missed an update in one and a half years, but I honestly couldn't see any other way. So sorry, I guess. I don't know why I'm here though to be honest. I turned on my phone when I got home and you guys managed to make the comments section into a more brilliantly written place than this story will ever be. So thanks, we will no be returning to our regularly scheduled program,
Mischief Managed,
BecauseBecky