Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit – Peter Ustinov
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light – Plato
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"You cry too much and it doesn't suit you,"
"Sana!"
"Sana-ya!"
"Hah?!"
I blink my eyes a couple times. Yoongi already gave a deep stare at me, his eyes are focus looking at me with his stoic face, but what I feel is his worries. I still look at him quietly, where am i? Why Yoongi is in front of me? Was that a dream? Or dejavu? Or only illusion?
"Are you alright? The weather is too cold, you better stay inside. Let me go buy the food,"Yoongi wraps a red scarf around my neck. His face is still not full of expression, still plain but his action is full of attention with small things that make my heart thumping.
"I won't be long,"a smile flashed on his face right now. The smile that I saw lately, makes my heart calm and happy whenever I see that. Yoongi was never laughing, but he smiled even only for small things that I or we did. The first time I saw his smile is when he wiped my tears when we were making love –again- and that's when I felt love.
I don't know whether I who felt love. Or him, who was feeling love...
At once I feel tranquil, I feel that I can trust that Yoongi can buy the food alone. Quickly comeback to me, then we will spend the time with eating ramyun while watching tv, then we will cuddle. I'm a foul in this. I know this is wrong but I can't hold myself. I can't hold my feelings. Everytime Yoongi kissed me, I trembled like a child, I felt so happy and I assumed that Yoongi loves me. Even though I know, who the person he loves....
"No, I'll come," I say. Too much things I'm thinking about. From my tranquil and trust feelings to Yoongi, till thoughts about me who have one sided love, until suddenly an idea crossed my mind. About the fear of losing Yoongi.
"If you say so,"Yoongi took his blue beanie from his head and put the beanie on my head. The beanie he has always been wearing during this winter. The wool beanie which is looked obsolete but still good to be worn, which silently stole my attention because I like blue.
"I love this beanie,"I said, I can't hide my happiness when Yoongi put the beanie carefully onto my head.
"It's blue,"I continue, now I can feel myself is grinning, showing my teeth.
Once again, thing that I love the most in this world is happening. Yoongi is smiling, softer than before.
"This what my mom gave me. The only thing she left,"Yoongi answered, his smile has already vanished yet his eyes are sparkling. Yoongi looked bright when he talks about his mother but in other side he looked sad either. I can understand how Yoongi's feeling right now. He loves his mother, he really do. She was the only biological family for Yoongi even though he is disappointed because his mom gave up to protect Yoongi.
"Really? Then you shouldn't lose this beanie,"I say.
"I won't. Because there's my initial name here, people will know that this is mine,"Yoongi says while he steps down the stairs. I follow his steps with bright face. The time when we not cry, not hurt each other and not worry anything is the time that I enjoy the most. Even though I know that actually Yoongi hates me but I'm relieved whenever I give him affection, Yoongi never refused. Slowly I slid my hand onto his fingers, Yoongi turns around and I give him a smile.
"Sana...,"
I see Yoongi says something to me, what I hear clearly is my name that he called, but the remaining words he says couldn't be heard by me. Yoongi utters some words, merrier for someone like Min Yoongi who rarely talk. I just tilt my head, my hand still hold his hand tightly. What's wrong with my ear? Why his voice even the cars sound that passing by on the street can't be heard by me? I can't hear anything again.
I'm still fighting with my brain, thinking why I can't hear anything. Thinking what is possibly Yoongi talking about. When I realize that Yoongi released my grip, Yoongi smiles sadly. His hand who was welcoming my grip caresses my head slowly.
"Yoongi what's wrong?"I ask. Now I'm getting panic. I'm panic because I can't find a way to hear his voice, what Yoongi uttered. What I see is only Yoongi's sadden gaze on me. When I try to reach his hand again, suddenly Yoongi's figure disappears within the wind.
Yoongi disappeared.
And I can't voice anything.
Is this a dream?
*Save Me*
"San! Sana!!"
Sana opened her eyes slowly. Dazzled, that's what she felt. But she tried to open her eyes to see clearly. Vaguely she saw a familiar figure, someone she loves.
"Jimin oppa...,"
Jimin smiled in relief, he quickly hugged Sana worriedly. Sana smiled faintly. She was in someone she loves' embrace. But in other side Sana felt herself has a bigger love than she feels to Jimin. And it's killing her. Really killing her.
"You fainted so suddenly, it really worried me,"Jimin whispered to Sana's ear. Now Sana remembered what happened. Sana bit her lower lip hardly, tried to hold her cry.
"That blue beanie...,"
"I know, it's Yoongi's. For sure,"Jimin said lowly, his voice almost audible. Sana squeezed Jimin's sleeves strongly, tried to hold herself to not broken. Jimin was hugging her right now, what's the point of she felt broken? But even though she thought everything will be alright, Sana still can't extinguished her pains. The thoughts about Yoongi committed suicide in Itaewon two weeks ago, really made Sana's soul shattered into pieces.
Yoongi is the father from the fetus that she carried on her tummy right now. He can't go. This isn't supposed to be happening. It shouldn't be Yoongi!
"Oppa, I want to go to Itaewon,"Sana said after she pulled away from Jimin's hug.
Jimin looked at Sana with uninterpreted stare. Hard to be explained like an abstract painting with full of questions, restlessness, worries and fear. Sana even can not remember about Tzuyu who possibly already in operation room right now. Jimin is afraid that his fear turned out right. But for now, thinking that he also worried about Yoongi, Jimin held his fear.
I saw you spacing out....
*Save Me*
Kim Taehyung was usually a confident guy, cynical with the life in this world and often to play around. Yeah, Taehyung was playing around too much and the victims were girls. He is one of BTS member, a bunch of school kingkas who's adored by so many girls. Taehyung usually played the girl, played their heart because Taehyung would laugh at them then laughed at himself after played them. Doesn't mean that Taehyung played so many people's hearts, but that's one of the way for him to redeem his regret, sins, sadness and too deep anger.
Taehyung had left Tzuyu once in his life.
Taehyung stared at Tzuyu who was taken care by the nurses before she entered the operation room. There's no any Tzuyu's family who come, well Tzuyu indeed felt like she has no one besides Sana and –it was- Myungsoo. Her family is broken, leaving this poor girl alone, fighting alone against the cruel world. Taehyung only bit his lower lip thinking how ironic Tzuyu's fate is. If only he was a bit sensible with Tzuyu's sorrow before, if only he didn't hang out with those bastards who said that Tzuyu was too gloomy, not attractive and weird, if Taehyung didn't worry about his pride then everything won't be like now. Tzuyu wouldn't get infected with HIV from that bitch. If only that day Taehyung as always kidnap Tzuyu to protect her.
"You...,"
Taehyung got startled when he heard Tzuyu's voice. The room was already empty, only leaving him and Tzuyu alone. Taehyung was little stunned when realize that Tzuyu called him. Finally Tzuyu called him.
"Tzuyu-ah,"Taehyung approached her and stood beside Tzuyu's bed.
"Thank you. At least there's someone who accompany me when I'll face my life and death,"Tzuyu stared at the ceiling, bit her lower lip hardly, her heart was aching and her chest was tightening. Tzuyu knew her mother would never care about her. Money and only money, was the only thing that Mrs. Chou think about and give her as her responsible for gave birth of her in the world that she has never wanted. Tzuyu understood that Sana, her only bestfriend who Tzuyu already acknowledged as her own sister right now is facing a big problem. She didn't feel disappointed because until now Sana hasn't came yet, maybe right now Sana is facing another issue, maybe. And Tzuyu only regretted that she can't find Yoongi as soon as possible because she knew that Sana really needs Yoongi right now. Then Taehyung...Tzuyu feels hate and grateful at once that her ex bestfriend is here.
"Don't do this Tzuyu-ah. I will always be by your side and everything will be alright,"Taehyung almost reached Tzuyu's hand and wanted to hold her, but because he realized how their relationship right now, Taehyung pulled back his hand.
"Hold my hand Kim Taehyung,"Tzuyu said, shut her eyes after she let a heavy sigh. Taehyung was stunned upon hearing that, as if he didn't believe his own ears. Feeling that Taehyung hasn't hold her hand yet, Tzuyu opened her eyes again.
"I want someone to hold my hand to remind me that I'm still here,"
"Don't say that ridiculous things,"Taehyung held Tzuyu's hand tightly.
"You'll be alright. Everything will be alright and you should quickly get healed to protect Sana,"Taehyung said. Tzuyu smiled faintly. She smiled sadly because Taehyung really understands her. The most important thing for Tzuyu is Sana. Tzuyu doesn't care with death but she does care with Sana. But actually, there's another thing that made Tzuyu doesn't want to disappear from this world.
"I hate you when you started to change, Kim Taehyung. My world had ruined. And I still hate you because of everything that came to me...,"Tzuyu said. Taehyung ducked his head, pressed his lips into a straight line, held pain inside his heart because of the massive regret. He knew his place that he's at fault with Tzuyu's miserable fate.
"Because in the past...I wanted to be with you. I wanted to be protected by you and ran to you. I wanted to be happy and I thought the happiness is in you,"Tzuyu bit her lips once again, held the pains inside her heart. Taehyung tightened his grip on Tzuyu, he still ducked his head. Taehyung tried hard to hold his tears, hold the acute pains inside his heart.
"Now that everything already went too late Taehyung. What do you expect from me? I also can't seek that happiness again. I don't hope for anything again,"Tzuyu swallowed her saliva, smiled strongly while watching the ceiling.
"I hate you...,"Tzuyu paused.
"I hate you because I know, I will never can make you happy...,"
At that moment Taehyung's tears dropped. His cries finally bursted out and Taehyung only sobbed holding his cry. Tears were flowing down to Tzuyu's cheeks, Tzuyu knew it's so hard for Taehyung. The most important thing which make Tzuyu doesn't want to disappear from this world is Taehyung. Tzuyu held her feelings too hard the whole time, she didn't want to ruin her defense while Taehyung back to her life. Because no matter sacrifice they will give, the result will still be same.
Chou Tzuyu will never live as long as they want.
That morning, Taehyung couldn't say anything. As if tears which finally bursted out already silenced his mouth. Taehyung stopped crying when the nurses come to bring Tzuyu to the operation room. Taehyung even couldn't say anything to encourage Tzuyu, or even if that was the last for Tzuyu. Taehyung wasn't able to speak a thing.
Everything will be alright. Doesn't care whether we love each other. The most important thing is everything will be alright.
*Save Me*
Jimin only smiled faintly when Sana held his hand to stop him from switch the gear of his black Lamborghini. The girl looked full of hesitation, worries and guilty. Sana felt guilty to Jimin because every important things for her right now is about Yoongi. When she saw Jimin's back while the guy walked before her to open the car door for her, Sana felt as if a knife stabbed her heart. Jimin is here, with her, in her side and Sana knew that Jimin is confused with her behavior. Sana shouldn't hurt Jimin –again- and the thoughts about Yoongi who possibly committed suicide in Itaewon two weeks ago, with heavy heart Sana suppressed that thoughts deeply inside her heart.
"I think we don't need to be rush to Itaweon and however, I think the man who committed suicide is not Yoongi,"Sana tried to smile strongly, hid her fear and restlessness, hid her broken feelings. Jimin still stared at Sana. Tried to dig the meaning of Sana's stare which looked sad in his eyes.
"But we still need to make sure right? Until today we can't find Yoongi anywhere,"Jimin answered. Jimin didn't want to see the truth when they met Yoongi –life or dead- but in other side, being the closest person to him for years, what that guy said is really bothering Jimin's mind. Jimin worried Yoongi, but he's afraid that there's a secret that will be revealed if he stepped forward to Yoongi.
"We'll confirm, Yoongi doesn't have anyone right? We'll for sure confirm that but not now,"Sana felt her body is hard to be moved but her brain is still thinking of negative things.
"I need to see Tzuyu,"finally Sana spoke. Jimin gave a gentle smile to Sana and caressed her hair with full of attention. But behind his gentle smile Jimin still had so much questions. Sana briefly forgot about Tzuyu and now when she already calmed down, she remembered about Tzuyu and postponed their destination to Itaewon.
"You're right we ha--,"
Suddenly Jimin's phone rang and his tender face suddenly tensed, as if he was facing an enemy. Sana glanced at his phone and gave Jimin a gaze as sign for him to pick up the call. With heavy heart Jimin picked the call and his face looked really unpleasant.
"Yes Presdir,"
"I'm sorry, I'm on my way to a friend who undergo a surgery,"
"Hhh...fine Dad. I'll go there,"
Jimin put down his phone after the call hung up and he sighed heavily.
"What's wrong Oppa?"Sana was confused upon seeing Jimin's gloomy expression.
"I must go to my father's office. There's something important I need to do. I'm sorry baby, if I've done I'll pick you up here,"Jimin brushed Sana's hair with his palm gently while staring at her.
"It's okay Oppa. I'll wait,"Sana smiled to Jimin. The smile that able to make Jimin lost all his worries. Sana is his, Sana loves him and that's obvious. Jimin knew that Sana went through hard times when he leave, but Sana is back to him and her smile is still the same like she was before. Jimin tugged Sana's body closer to him and kissed her forehead.
"I gotta go,"Jimin said with a very close gap with Sana. Sana smiled sweetly and nodded.
"Be careful on your way Oppa,"she said. Then they shared a light peck on lips before Sana hopped out the car and Jimin left her.
Sana heaved a long and heavy breath then she lifted her face to look up to the cloudy sky. Her heart felt heavy. Too heavy. The thoughts about Yoongi that possibly committed suicide is really worrying her, but as if she got a weird power, Sana was able to hold on and think that everything will be alright. Even though still, 70% Sana felt bad feelings, but she acted calmer and mature to face that.
"This is not right isn't it, Yoong? I'll search you and soon I'll find you,"
*Save Me*
He looked too pathetic. Sitting with ducked head, possibly is praying or maybe feeling worry. Obviously there's no peace nor tranquil this morning, the morning that Sana saw. Sana approached Taehyung who sat on the visitor bench with small steps and placed her butt beside him. Taehyung turned aside when he felt someone sat beside him, found Sana who gave him a small smile made Taehyung smiled back but not as wide as before. Sana sighed, tiresome already conquered her since yesterdays and this morning was the climax but she had no power to do anything. She's not a superhuman, she wanted to cry but Yoongi doesn't want to see her cry. She wanted to rant to the God for giving her a too hard trial but she knew it's so childish. One thing that Sana knew, she just can't react than be silent. She just didn't know anymore what to do or what kind of expression she should show. And she knew, Taehyung is feeling the same.
"Tzuyu said she will soon comeback to see you,"Taehyung broke the already fifty minutes silence.
"She'll be back, there's no need to worry,"Sana replied while looking at the floor.
"Yoongi was in Itaewon. At least two weeks ago,"She continued, broke the pregnant silent that was recreated for seconds. Taehyung turned aside to the girl who sat next to him but the girl looked calm even though he could feel that her heart is not as calm as her face. Taehyung's eyes then travelled down his sight, caught a familiar beanie that Sana held in one of her hand.
"What happened before you come here San?"finally Taehyung asked.
"I'm thankful that you were beside her, Taehyung-ah,"Sana tilted her head to look at Taehyung, her face was smiling gently and looked innocent. Taehyung has always adored Sana's tender and soothing face. But never he seen Sana this mature. She could suppress all of her feelings properly, hide them, control them so she became this calm.
"Even though Tzuyu said she can't make me happy, but I don't care. The only thing on my mind is to make her happy until...,"Taehyung lowered his head.
"Death do us part,"he continued. Sana was stunned upon hearing Taehyung's words and that moment she remembered Yoongi again. Yoongi that possibly...
"I know. I also want to make him happy and if fate separated us, I hope I was able to make him happy,"Sana lifted her head to look at the hospital ceiling.
"You are the one who know exactly because all the time you were the one beside him,"Taehyung said. Sana wanted to let her tears fall down. If she has. But there's no any tears that brimming on her eyes, not even the feelings to cry. It was too sad but she was incapable to cry. The longing that she felt, the fear that she thought was really chained her feelings but she can't cry anymore. It was more painful than when she was feeling sad and capable to cry.
"I want to believe...that I already made him happy although only once,"
"You already did. Maybe it's too cruel but you're the source of his pain yet also his happiness,"Taehyung caressed Sana's hair gently. Sana lifted the blue beanie she held up to her face, to hide her not crying face.
"I want to believe...even though I already broke his heart but I was also able to make him happy. I want to believe...,"Sana whispered and it didn't slipped out from Taehyung's ears. Taehyung smiled painfully upon seeing Sana. He also felt the same. He was Tzuyu's devastation source but he wanted at least once again to make Tzuyu happy.
"You're already more mature Minatozaki Sana. You already became a stronger girl than before,"
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Guys can I deliver the feelings very well in this book? In this chapter? What Sana felt, what Taehyung felt, what Jimin felt, what Tzuyu felt and what Yoongi felt? Like in this chapter, Sana can't cry anymore doesn't mean she's not sad. Sometimes we can't cry anymore when it surpassed the borderline to bear the sadness. Sometimes we can't cry when it's too hurt and painful. Because sometimes we can break.