#ABNQ44 Chapter 44
"Good morning," Psalm greeted, handing me a paper bag from Starbucks. Lumabas na ako mula sa bahay kasi gusto ko na agad pumunta sa testing site. I didn't want to stay longer inside because I was itching to get this day over with.
I smiled, taking the paper bag from him. "Thanks," I replied. Sumakay na ako sa sasakyan niya. "Can I eat here?" I asked. I haven't eaten inside Psalm's car yet kasi una, feeling ko bawal dahil sobrang linis ng sasakyan niya. Pangalawa, I never had the chance to eat here kasi lagi naman kaming nasa library or gym or resto.
He nodded, revving the engine. "Is your test kit ready?" he asked.
I nodded, then showed him the transparent envelope. "Here."
"Test permit?" he asked again.
"Here," I replied.
He nodded. "I don't know if you can bring food, but I prepared snacks for you," he said, then pointed at the backseat of his car kung nasaan iyong isa pang paper bag. "Looked up your sched, and you have an hour for lunch break. I'll just buy lunch for us. What do you want to eat?" tanong niya sa 'kin.
Lihim akong napa-ngiti. It's nice to be taken care like this. To feel so special like this.
"Bahala ka na," I said. "Okay ka lang?" I asked because he looked so tensed.
"Yeah," he said, then quickly looked at me. "Why?"
I shrugged. "Wala, parang mas kinakabahan ka pa sa 'kin, e."
He did a nervous laugh. "Yeah... I don't know why I'm feeling nervous," he said, then ran his hands through his broccoli hair. "We'll arrive early. Do you want to review or what? I borrowed Jed's flash cards," he said tapos kumunot iyong noo ko. "Jed's my doctor cousin. He still has the flash cards he used when he took up NMAT," paliwanag niya.
I nodded. "Pwede naman, pero baka ma-mental block na ako, e," I said. Sabi kasi ni Marcus mas okay if relaxed na iyong utak bago mag-exam kaya nga kahapon half-day lang kami nag-aral, e.
Tumango na lang si Psalm. I continued to ask him, instead, tungkol sa mga ginagawa niya sa embassy. If I didn't plan on pursuing med, maybe I'd work in an embassy, too. Tutal doon din naman talaga papunta iyong degree ko, e. But life has a different plan for me.
"Ano'ng ginagawa mo 'dun?" I asked.
"Just meeting people," he said.
"May babae?"
Finally, Psalm laughed. "Yeah..." he said, then looked at me. Red iyong stop light kaya grabe kung maka-tingin si Psalm sa akin. He was grinning, then reached for my hand. "I just talk to them for work."
"Talaga lang, ha."
He was laughing again, then he brought my hand up and kissed the back of it. "Of course. I only have eyes for Joey."
"Tss. Siguraduhin mo 'yan. Kapag busy na ako sa medschool, dapat busy ka lang sa trabaho o sa basketball o sa family mo. 'Di ka pwede maging busy sa ibang babae, sinasabi ko sa 'yo."
Psalm bit his lower lip. My god, na-distract agad ako. He shouldn't be doing that!
"Okay," he said. "Anything else?"
"Uhm... Dapat magtetext ka sa 'kin palagi kahit hindi agad ako makaka-reply," I said, and he nodded. "Required na at least once a week magkita tayo para naman 'di mo maka-limutan 'tong mukha ko."
He bit his lower lip again. Ugh!
"Ano pa?" he asked.
I looked at him. I bit my lower lip, too.
"Required na... na kahit alam kong mahihirapan tayong dalawa, walang bibitaw, okay? It's gonna be hard, but we have each other, right? We're in this together, sabi mo, 'di ba?"
It was frightening. It was frightening to know that time could change everything. That what if he forgets about me? That what if I forget about him? What if we get so fucking busy that we forget about each other?
Ang daming pwedeng mangyari.
Ang daming pwedeng mawala.
But we shouldn't just give up without a fight. I knew we stood a chance. I knew Psalm would support me in achieving my dreams... and I wouldn't just give Psalm up. Alam kong mahihirapan ako sa mga gusto kong gawin sa buhay, pero hindi ibig sabihin nun na handa akong i-give up siya... kasi pwede namang sabay, 'di ba? Pwede naman na kasama ko siya habang inaabot ko 'yung pangarap ko.
"I always got your back, Joey," he said.
* * *
Pagpasok ko sa loob ng testing room, puno iyon ng kabadong mga mukha. I was sure that they're mirroring the same expression on my face. I felt like vomiting. I felt nauseated. I felt so fucking nervous.
Nang pumasok iyong proctor at ipaliwanag iyong mga mangyayari, mas lalo lang lumala iyong pagka-hilo ko. I knew I shouldn't mess this up, or else hindi ako makakapasok sa gusto kong school. Every question in this exam mattered. Every point fucking mattered.
"Part 1 of your exam begins now," the proctor said.
I closed my eyes and took deep breaths. I also said a little prayer before I began.
"Here goes nothing," I whispered to myself as I began answering the test.
* * *
After the exam, pakiramdam ko gusto kong ilabas lahat ng kinain ko kaninang lunch. Nahihilo na ako. Gusto ko na lang matulog tapos bukas ko na iisipin iyong ibang bagay.
Paglabas ko sa testing site, agad kong nakita si Psalm. He was standing in the middle. He was looking at me. He was smiling. I felt like crying, but seeing him there was enough to pacify my heart.
"Ang dami kong mali..." bulong ko paglapit ko sa kanya.
Psalm looked at me, then cupped my face. "You did your best. I'm sure it will be fine, Joey."
My lips were trembling. "Paano kapag hindi ako nakapasa?"
Umiling siya. "You'll pass. Positive thoughts, Jo. Positive thoughts attract positive results," he said, then planted a soft kiss on my forehead. Ako, niyakap ko siya. I calmed myself against his body as I repeatedly told myself that it'd be fine.
Hindi ko alam kung gaano kami katagal na ganoon, pero gusto ko na yakap ko lang si Psalm. I stayed inside his arms until I felt pacified.
"You wanna go somewhere or you wanna go home and rest?"
I looked up to him while my hands were still wrapped around his body. "Pwedeng bukas na tayo gumala?" I asked, and frowned. "Sobrang sakit na ng ulo ko."
He smiled, and nodded. "You wanna eat first or...?"
"Uwi na," I said.
Tumawa siya, tapos pinisil iyong ilong ko. "You're so cute when you're acting like a baby," sabi niya. Inalis ko iyong yakap ko sa kanya. Inakbayan ako ni Psalm habang naglalakad kami pabalik sa sasakyan niya. He began talking about random stuff na hindi ko maintindihan kung saan niya hinuhugot. But I knew that he was just trying to divert my attention. Kasi ayaw niya na malungkot ako. Kasi ganoon siya.
God, I was just so blessed to have him in my life.
* * *
"Tapos na?" Papa asked while reading a book about neurology.
I bit my lower lip. "Yeah..." I sighed, then got myself a glass of water. "Alam mo, ang unfair, Pa. Bakit si Jax ang talino? 'Di man lang nagtira sa akin ng kaunti."
Tumawa si Papa, tapos binaba iyong libro niya. "Matalino ka rin naman, ah?" he said, and I wrinkled my nose in reply. "At saka nag-aral ka naman. Tiwala lang ng konti, anak."
I smiled. "Thanks, Pa. Sana nga makapasa ako."
"Sigurado ka na ba na gusto mo 'to?" he asked. His voice was serious that it kinda scared me. "If you decide that you want this, it's a lifetime commitment, Jocelyn," sabi niya. I hate it when he uses my real name.
"I want this, Pa."
"You'll have to spend every waking day reading. Endless reading, anak. And you don't only have to read, you have to understand everything kasi buhay ang naka-salalay dito," sabi niya.
Tumango ako. "Sa tingin niyo ba hindi ko kaya?" tanong ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit niya sinasabi sa 'kin 'to. I couldn't even remember if he asked Jax this.
"Of course not!" he said. "Alam kong kaya mo. Ang sa 'kin lang, gusto ko na alam mo 'yung papasukin mo. Nung nag-aaral ako, Joey, marami akong kaklase na bigla na lang nawala... kasi hindi naman pala sila sigurado sa ginagawa niya. Sayang sa pera at oras, alam mo 'yun?"
"I want this, Pa. I really, really want this," I said, staring into his eyes because I wanted him to see the seriousness in my voice. About what I wanted this. How badly I wanted this.
Tumango si Papa. "Okay..." he said. "Just be ready for 2 hours of sleep, of taking exams weekly, of living on coffee, of seeing your friends build a name for themselves habang ikaw estudyante pa rin."
I groaned. "Pa naman! Tinatakot niyo ako, e."
Tumawa si Papa. "Hindi kita tinatakot. Sinasabi ko lang sa 'yo 'yung mangyayari para alam mo. You'll juggle about 17 subjects a sem. Iyong pinag-aaralan mo ng isang quarter ngayong college, isang meeting lang sa medschool."
I bit my lip. "Kaya ko, Pa."
He smiled. "I know. Anak kita, e."
I smiled, too. "Swerte ko."
Tumango si Papa. "And most importantly, you'll have us, your family. We'll be your support system, okay? Nandito lang ako, ang Mama mo, si Jax. Pwede mo kaming kausapin kapag nahihirapan ka na."
Biglang nagtubig iyong mga mata ko dahil sa sinabi niya. I'd always known how lucky I was to be born into this family. Kasi alam ko naman na hindi lahat ay sinwerte na mabigyan ng magulang na kasing supportive nila. Ng kapatid na kasing understanding ni Jax.
I was so privileged and blessed.
Tapos... tapos si Marcus ni hindi magawang gawin iyong gusto niya dahil sa mga dapat niyang gawin.
"Pa..." I trailed. "Di may mga scholar ka?" I asked.
Papa came from the bottom. Silang dalawa ni Mama. I really loved their story kasi kahit na walang-wala sila dati, nagsumikap silang dalawa para maging doctor at attorney. Kaya simula nung maayos na iyong buhay nila, kumukuha na sila ng scholar. Pero wala pa akong alam na scholar ni Papa na nag-aaral sa medschool. Puro high school o sa college lang.
Pero si Marcus...
I knew that he would be a good doctor. He could be.
He nodded. "Oo," he said, smiling. "Pa-graduate na nga iyong tatlo. Akalain mo't sabay pa kayo?"
I bit my lower lip. Paano ko ba sasabihin 'to? Hindi ko alam kung papayag si Papa kasi alam ko na malaking pera iyong gagastusin sa medschool. Hindi biro mag-aral ng medicine. Kung hindi sila Mama ang magulang ko, hindi ko iisipin na mag-aral nun kasi alam ko na mahirap at mahal.
"Ah... ano, may mga scholar ba sa medschool, Pa?"
Agad kumunot iyong noo niya. "Bakit? Mag-aapply ka?"
Umiling ako kasi sigurado ako na hindi ko kaya iyong pressure na palaging mataas ang grades.
Fuck.
Si Marcus.
Si Marcus at iyong palagi niyang mataas dapat na grades.
Ang... ang gago nga niya. Na palagi siyang naka-ngiti at masaya kahit hirap na hirap na pala siya. Kahit hindi niya gusto 'yung ginagawa niya. Na ginagawa niya pa rin kasi dapat. Kasi iyon 'yung dapat niyang gawin.
"Kasi, Pa... Naaalala niyo si Marcus?" I asked. He nodded. "Kasi ano... Gusto niya ring mag-aral ng med."
Kumunot ang noo ni Papa. "Di ba engineer 'yun?"
I nodded, and sighed. "Opo, kaya lang gusto niya ring maging doctor kaya lang hindi pwede kasi dapat magtrabaho na siya," I said. I didn't know how to say Marcus' story because it wasn't mine to tell... but I promised myself that I'd help him do what he wanted. Kahit iyon lang.
And he told me he wanted to become a doctor.
And I'd do what I could to help him achieve that.
Tumango si Papa. "I'll see what I can do," Papa said, smiling.
I told you, Marcus. I'd make one of your dreams come true.