I woke up in a cloud-like bed to the sun peaking through familiar cream colored curtains. A black Labrador retriever greeted me with big droopy eyes, before beginning to pant out of excitement. I arose lazily, sighing in the process. Of course I ended back here, I thought to myself. The aroma of a cooking breakfast wafted into the bedroom, luring me downstairs.
Somehow I had ended up in a Dallas Stars shirt and a pair of gym shorts. I had a fair memory of last night; me and Tyler hooked up without fair warning of the consequences. Having him on top of me gave me a sense of security like no other; yet the guilt still gave me pangs of worthlessness- I ruined the one thing I had going for me. There was no salvation from the selfishness I displayed that night, yet for some reason Tyler must've still saw something in me.
I headed downstairs to locate the smell, and saw Tyler frying bacon and cooking waffles. He was never really a pancake person; if he made them, it was only because I asked him to. The living room still looked the same; large, high ceilings and natural light beaming in outside from the large windows. His back was towards me, telling me he was unaware that I was here.
"You know, I always thought this house was too big for just one person." I said, leaning onto the kitchen island. He turned around and gave me his signature smirk.
"It's nice to see you too, beautiful." Tyler sat the breakfast between us on the kitchen island, which consisted of waffles with fruit, bacon and eggs. "As you can see, I made us a little breakfast. Are you hungry?"
My heart began to beat in a way that I wasn't used to; not with prominent giddiness, but with a sense of anxiety and detachment. I flashed him the most genuine smile I could muster up. "Yeah, I am." I took a seat at the island as Tyler passed me a plate and utensils.
We began eating together in a silence that I was convinced was different for the both of us- I was sure Tyler was reveling in the fact that I was in front of him again, and I seemed sane. However, the silence for me began to close in on me, leaving me suffocated. The elephant in the room was back, nudging me with its trunk. "Tyler, don't you think we should talk about last night?" The words came out before I even had the courage to say them.
He gave me a glance with his eyebrows furrowed. "Talk about what?"
"Um, the fact that we had sex for the first time in months after not seeing each other?"
There was an awkward silence except for Tyler's silverware pressing against his plate. "Did you not enjoy it, or somet-"
"Tyler, please." I interrupted. "You know what I'm getting at. I just feel like it's weird that we.. did what we did without even talking about anything." He was quiet. "Tyler, pleas-"
"Fine, Sav. Let's talk about it. Do you want to ask me anything? Or should I ask you my long list of questions that I tried to avoid asking since I know it would kill me?" Tyler belted out.
"I don't see the benefit of avoiding it Tyler. That's all I was trying to-"
"Who's house did you decide to live in? It wasn't your fucking sisters, that's for sure." His hands were folded and anticipating a painful response. I had nothing other than that.
"A classmate of mine." I spoke softly.
"I'm assuming a guy."
I nodded.
He let out a loud scoff. "And I'm also going to assume there was some type of relationship going on?"
I hesitated for a moment. "We were just friends the entire time. We were never anything intimate, like boyfriend and girlfriend."
Tyler took a swig of his water before slamming it down. His eyes were dark, and I knew he was beginning to get pissed off. "You're telling me, that you never did anything with him. Not even a mere kiss."
"I mean, I did but-"
"You did what Savannah?"
He was getting louder. "Yes, I kissed him. But I wasn't his girlfriend or anything, that would just be weird."
"All you did was kiss him?" Tyler was eyeing me down.
I hesitated again. "No, I mean we did-"
"Have sex." We said at the same time. Tyler placed his face in his palms before giving a hard rub. After keeping his face there for what felt like eternity, he got up and took out plates to the sink to wash. The silence was making me irritable; something told me he was judging me.
"And what about you Tyler?" I challenged from my seat. "I'm sure you brought plenty of girls back here while I was gone."
He let out a loud, mocking laugh. "Because I assumed we were fucking single, Savannah." He turned the water off, and began to dry the dishes. "Am I wrong for that? You fucking run out of my house, that I opened up for you, without any warning. Nothing. I thought I would come home to you that night, but I didn't. Instead, you were no where to be found. I call. No answer. I text. No answer. Nothing. Nothing for days, weeks and fucking months, Savannah." At this point he was yelling at me. "Nothing! So what do I do after a good month? I hook up with other girls out of frustration because I have not heard from my girlfriend in weeks. I try to picture you, but how? How could I fucking picture you? Why should I when you're the one who fucking left?"
My eyes were tearing up and the burning sensation was back. "Tyler-"
"No, Savannah, let me continue. Let's continue talking." His face was beet red. "I beg your sister to let me know what the fuck is going on, and all I get is 'She needs a break'." He made a confused face. "A break? So she couldn't come to me, as the woman she is and tell me she needed a fucking break? Instead, she runs away and tells me nothing?" Tyler put the last plate in the cabinet before making his was over to me. "So let me ask you Savannah, why couldn't you tell me you needed a break?"
Tears were falling down my eyes at this point. The embarrassment was eating me alive, but I knew I deserved it. "I-I don't know." I choked out. "Tyler, that night, I got drunk and I just felt like you didn't need me. I know you didn't. It was a tough time mentally for me, and you know that, but that's no excuse." I realized all I was doing was rambling on with no answer for my actions. The tears came harder and I felt more worthless. "I don't have a reason, Tyler." I looked up into his eyes.
His eyes were dark, similar to how they were when I first met him; but his aura was deafening. He was hurt; there was no doubt. I broke him worst than anyone before, I was sure. He let out a loud sigh before getting up. "Why can't you just trust me?"
"Tyler, stop. I do trust you. It's just-"
"No, Savannah. You don't. You clearly fucking don't."
"Stop, Tyler." I stood up. There was too many emotions attacking me at once. "I do, and I am fucking sorry. I don't deserve you. And you didn't deserve what I did. Maybe I did it to have some type of control in our relationship, since I know you really don't need me. Maybe I did it to see if you really did want me. I don't fucking know, but I know that I'm sorry."
"How is that trust Savannah? You running away to see if I would run after you? Which I did, but you wouldn't know because you fucking cut off all communication!"
I was sobbing at this point, using his shirt to blow my nose and wipe my tears away. "Tyler, I'm sorry. I love you, I do." My eyes were puffy and soaked, and I could feel my nose stuffing up. "I realize that I was wrong. There's nothing else I can say."
Tyler gave me a pitiful look before sighing again. "You know, Ali told me that I should move forward. And to focus on my career; that I'm young and focusing on girls instead of hockey would hold me back. I didn't want to believe her. I still don't. But Savannah, I tried. You know I tried. And I-"
"Who the fuck is Ali?" I choked out.
He gave me a blank stare. "Are you really asking me who-"
"Is that the girl from the wedding?"
Tyler rubbed his face with frustration. "Yes, that's the girl from the wedding. Are you gonna accuse me of doing something with her?"
I shook my head. "Are you gonna believe what she says, like she's your fucking life coach or something?"
Tyler laughed. "Maybe I should. Maybe we should take a break. It wasn't like we're already on one though, right?" He shuffled away from me in his slides.
I began sobbing even more. "Tyler, please. Are you really going to listen to her?"
He kept walking.
Anger surged through my body. My tears turned from sadness into anger, and I felt my chest heat up. I wasn't going to lose him. I couldn't. I ran up behind him, grabbing his arm before he headed for the steps. "Tyler, stop. Please."
"Savannah, stop." He yanked his arm away from me. "Please just stop." He began making his way up the steps.
Was he really going to leave? And trust some other girl over me? I charged after him again, this time grabbing with more might and hitting him on his arm. "I fucking hate you." I knew I wasn't doing any damage due to the fact that I weak from crying. I kept pounding aimlessly on his tattooed arm; the details on them gave me memories of how I used to trace them with my fingers while we watched TV. The tears came harder, and soon I stopped hitting him. I leaned into his arm, sobbing.
I heard another loud sigh. Tyler placed his hand on my head, before rubbing it and pulling me closer. "Savannah, look at me."
I shook my head.
"Savannah, please look at me."
I shook my head again, still crying. "No."
Tyler pulled my head up and forced me to look at him. "Sit down for a second."
We sat down next to each other on his steps. I began to calm down from crying since it seemed as if he was calmer as well. Tyler wrapped an arm around my waist and came a bit closer to me.
"I love you, Savannah. I do." He paused to wipe my tears away. "But what you did hurt me. A lot. And with us one game away from making it to the final, I need to focus. This isn't about if Ali's right, or if we should be together right now. I need to focus. I don't want to hurt you Sav, but I need to focus." He paused again, wiping away more tears before kissing my forehead. "We should just have some time to ourselves to focus."
"B-but," I stammered. "What are you saying?"
"I'm saying you should go back to where you were living for a little bit. I want you back here, but I just think we should talk more about this later." Tyler stood up and began to head upstairs.
He didn't look back. I stayed on the steps a little longer to cry out the rest of my tears, before grabbing my stuff and leaving.