Xavier:
"I'm sorry..."
Was he?
My eyes drift away from the window and I turn towards Issac next to me. The plane ride is forever, but it's spacious enough. Issac and Elliot are next to me, and we're scheduled to see the girl tomorrow as we land.
Issac is dead asleep against Elliot's shoulder, Elliot busy reading another book, headphones in with music full blast.
I sigh.
There was a part of me that clung onto a sliver of hope that Cal would follow me. A part of me that believed he would come running after me and catch me at the airport before I left. It would be perfect and cliche, with an end where he said he loved me and kissed me and took me home.
——————
Issac wouldn't stop crying, and Elliot refuses to let go of his daughter, even though she needs to go through some health exams before they sign her off.
They're parents now I think as I watch them from behind the camera lens, capturing every moment.
The little girl has wide eyes, probably a bit scared from leaving the nurses she sees everyday at the orphanage, but she seems satisfied in Elliot's arms.
"She's perfect." Issac sobs as he tentatively reaches out to touch her small hands.
My eyes water, hands clutching the camera tightly. Is this what it felt like when Cal had Sukie? Like time stopped for a while, like your life was turned on it's axis...like you had this other reason to live and dedicate your life and time.
I swallow. No wonder why Cal freaked out when Sukie got hurt. Just thinking about my god-daughter getting hurt made my insides queasy.
"What's her name?" I whisper. Elliot was reluctantly giving the little girl to the doctor, his hands lingering.
Elliot pauses, glances at Issac. Issac wipes his eyes, sniffling.
"We never really discussed names." He admits sheepishly.
"You'll figure it out." I say aiming the camera at Issac who tries to wave me off, his hands blocking the lens.
"I'm crying here." He mutters. "I look like crap."
"We all do." I argue. Anybody barely got any sleep, the anticipation kept us up all night.
Elliot laughs, leans over and takes the baby girl back as she finishes her exam. The doctor writing down something.
"Hold her." Elliot whispers to me.
Issac takes the camera from me, Elliot sliding the swaddled blob into my arms.
My eyes train across the face, a face that I refuse to ever forget. She's got those big brown eyes, smooth skin, faint dark wisps of hair.
She watches me, eyes big as she stares back at me. I don't want her to be scared of the way I look, unnerving eyes framed with scarred tissue. I want her to immediately love me the way I immediately loved her. I wanted to tell and show her so much about everything, and how she was going home to caring parents that would never stop loving her too.
My fingers press against her clothing under the blanket, feeling the warmth from her skin. A small cat design is printed on her.
She gives off a small gurgle.
"Yea." I coo softly, "it's a kitty." I say, desperate to say something to her, anything.
"Kihhh." She slurs back suddenly.
Her name: Kit
————————
Cal:
Another week flies by.
I didn't know what to do, what to say. Not only did I lose Sukie, I lost myself.
I went to Issac and Elliot's everyday, always making small talk with Rory at the door. She offered me lemonade and snacks, even let me pet their dog.
I knocked on the door like I always do this morning.
"Cal?" Issac asks as he opens the door.
"Issac!" I say.
"What are you doing here?" He asks slightly guarded.
"Look, I'm so sorry to bother you." I murmur. "But I was wondering if Xavier is here with you..."
"No." Issac says glancing away. "After China he flew to back to Pennsylvania."
"Pennsylvania?" I ask surprised. "Why?"
Issac glances at me, face pained. "You know how Xavier is. He's always thinking about everything and...and it's killing him but he doesn't know it. All he thinks about is you and Sukie. He's trying to get over you but once his mind focuses on something it doesn't let go. He doesn't know it yet, and he refuses to..." Issac pauses.
"Why is he in Pennsylvania?" I ask, voice cracking.
Issac presses his lips together, obviously not wanting to tell me. I don't blame him.
"Please."
"I'll tell you. But you have to promise me something."
"Anything."
"Apologize to him. I don't care if you leave him after, that's your own fault. If you're planning to stay with him I don't ask you to stay forever, but all I ask of you is to apologize."
"I will. I plan to. I'm going to!" I say desperately, my hands shaking at my sides.
Issac pauses. Looks at his feet. "He and I went to college together in Pennsylvania, and he worked there for a while before moving to California. When...when Sandy died he tried to save her at the hospital where he worked. He's either at the hospital or at her grave."
I swallow hard.
"I'll give you the address. You'll probably want to drive to the airport now if you want any chance to catch a plane."
"Now?!" I pale.
Issac's eyes snap up to mine, angry and hard.
"Sorry. I didn't know that you were going to wait here. Have fun for the next three days."
"No wait!" I yell when he starts to close the door.
"Shhhh!" Issac shushes as he glances back over his shoulder. He glares back at me, but quickly steps out onto the porch with me, closing the door behind him.
"Ummm. May I ask how long of a flight this will be?" I whisper then.
"A little over 5 hours?"
I swallow again.
"Okay. Ummm..."
"Have you ever been on a plane before?!" Issac questions crossing his arms, raising an eyebrow.
I blink. "I'll figure it out." I say trying to muster a smile.
Issac pauses as he gives me a good hard stare, then nods once and turns off, opening the door and stepping in.
"Oh. Wait." He says as I make my way down the steps.
"Yeah?" I ask turning back.
"Don't stare at Xavier." He warns.
"What?" I ask
"Don't stare." He repeats, "and good luck." Then waves me off, closing the door softly.
——————
Thankfully there wasn't that many people flying and I was able to catch a seat. Maybe it was luck. Or maybe it was some spirit trying to force me onto this metal tube that will soar into the air with me inside.
I admit I've never been on a plane before.
So I'm terrified.
——————
Xavier:
There wasn't that many people at the cemetery. Not that there usually is, but it's just an observation. I slowly walk down the cement pavement, my black shoes clicking softly each time I take a step. It's reasonably chilly in Pennsylvania, so I'm tightening my red sweater around my neck. I pass by a couple, and we nod heads silently to each other in respect. They wear black, the same as I. My dark overcoat was buttoned down, and my dark cane made me look like some detective.
I hated it.
I grimaced as I slowly sit down on the grass in front of Sandy. I lean over, brush the top off of the gravestone and place the flowers on top. She loved lilies. I swallow hard, throat suddenly dry, and I carefully trace each engraved letter out.
I lean back, shifting around carefully, embarrass and awkward around my own sister still.
"Hey Sandy." I mutter.
She doesn't answer. Just waits.
I clear my throat. "Umm. I'm sorry for not seeing you earlier. I know how being punctual drives you crazy."
I give off a dry laugh, short and forced out.
"I know that I came here every weekend after you left...but you remember how I told you I moved...well, your husband also moved. I don't know if he told you, but he did. Oh yeah...We met in California...that's how I know him."
Sandy sits there, probably comprehending what I just said.
Even though she's not here I still feel obligated to let her know how things are going.
"I know you wanted to be cremated and thrown into the ocean. You told me you'd become sand. Very funny" I deadpan quietly. "But we both know it wasn't going to happen. Timing was bad. Everything was weird and crazy and awful." I pause—readjust one of the flowers.
"And now you're annoyed as fuck since you're stuck in the ground. You're not happy here."
I say, voice low.
"Are you happy here?"
——————-
Cal:
Xavier stiffens. Turns around. Glances at me before turning back to the gravestone.
"You scared me. For a split second I thought that was Sandy talking. That'd be creepy, but hella cool." He says in that calm low voice. He sounds almost bored.
I swallow.
"Are you happy here?" I repeat.
Xavier ponders, my eyes trained on the back of his head. "Not particularly." He mutters, then slowly stands up, obviously struggling, but we both know he doesn't want my assistance whatsoever.
He rights himself up, stabs his cane into the ground, and then stumbles down towards me. My arms fly out quickly and Xavier falls in a not-so-elegant-way. My arms are hooked under his armpits, his head tucked down towards my torso, knees buckled with legs sprawled awkwardly behind him.
"What are you doing?!" I demand then.
"Trying to walk you dumbass!" Xavier hollers against me. He lifts his head up, hands gripping my shoulder tightly, nails digging in my overcoat. "I'm tired of using a cane! I'm tired of you following me everywhere! I'm tired of thinking about you all the time! I'm tired of trying to get over you! I don't deserve this!" He sobs then, tears running down, eyes blazing with anger.
Don't stare...Issac warned.
I can't help it. Xavier's weight is all leaned against me, and when he's looking right at me I see...
I see the scar tissue that is dark and red and bruised. The skin darker compared to the rest of his pale complexion. I see the layers of skin that will never fully heal, the way he has to stand a certain way to prevent the soreness traveling along his body.
"See. Even you stare." Xavier growls.
"How can you not?!" I snap back. Something in me flares, maybe because I want to push Xavier to the edge where he wants to get back at me. I deserve worse than him.
"I never knew you were this awful." He hisses.
"I never knew how much you meant to me."
"You still don't."
I lean close, lips brushing his forehead. He gives off a growl, snaps his head up so that it hits my nose and I fall back, clutching my face.
Of course Xavier falls down with me, on top of me actually, stealing the air from my lungs.
I groan, blood leaking everywhere and pooling into my palms.
"Shit." I gurgle.
Xavier doesn't say anything, just adjusts himself on top of me so that he can reach into his pocket, carefully placing a tissue on my face.
"Tank gu" I say behind the Kleenex.
"You're welcome." Xavier mutters. We stay like that for a while, me looking up at the sky with a tissue collecting my blood while Xavier watches me intently.
"See. Everyone stares." I quip once the bleeding has stopped.
Xavier glares at me, but he leans extremely close, his breath cool on my lips. "You deserve something worse than a bloody nose."
I wipe my nose one last time, dried blood caked all over my face. "As cliche as it sounds, you avoiding me is torture enough."
"I'm not avoiding you."
"Fine. Hating me it torture enough."
"I don't hate you."
"You not being with me with me is torture enough."
Xavier smirks then, his signature smirk, and I forget how much I loved that look on him. I haven't seen him like that for ages.
Xavier quickly pats my chest, "I'm pretty sure I'm with you with you right now. I have to say that you know no boundaries."
"Xavier." I groan, lightly thumping my head against the ground.
Xavier pauses. Leans in quickly and kisses the spot on my jaw where it's not covered in blood. I raise myself on my elbows, a hand touching the place where I just felt his lips.
"You kissed me." I say trying not to blush or sound surprised.
"I changed my mind." Xavier murmurs quietly, runs a hand through my hair. "I do hate you."
I catch his wrist, biting my bottom lip between my teeth—scared and wanting.
"I—"
Xavier turns away though, looks at the gravestone behind us. He grimaces then, quickly propping himself up so that he's sitting upright in my lap.
"I'm so sorry, Sandy. I didn't think that it would ever happen, but it did."
He murmurs then. He glances at me, pulls his arm away from me. "This thing happened between us...a bad thing..." he mutters. "I got into a car accident. Coincidence? Who knows? Anyways." He says, "Cal here...well...he...actually why are you here?"
"You know why."
"Of course I do. I just want to hear it."
"I want you."
"Who wouldn't?"
I frown as Xavier grins. He turns back to Sandy. "I've always wanted him. And you had him. And I feel obligated to ask you to have him...I've always felt obligated to ask for your acceptance. I want you to accept...but I doubt you would..."
My heart drops, but it's only for a quick moment before Xavier runs a hand back through my hair, his eyes analyzing me.
"Am I worthy?" I whisper.
"Oh you're worthy." Xavier said. "You flew all the way here—and you don't like flying—to come see me."
We watch each other. He doesn't say anything, but I can tell he's holding in laughter.
"You're just waiting for me to drag out everything you want to hear." I deadpan.
"Are you not going to? For me?" He asks raising an eyebrow.
I reach over, run a blood-dried hand down his face, his skin rough and wrinkled. He winces, turns his face into my hand—it's something so unlike Xavier, he's never self conscious.
"Don't stare." He whispers.
I lean close, lips against the corner of his mouth.
"I'm sorry..."