"Sometimes change is inevitable." - Unknown
My alarm played games with me yet again this morning. It went off 15 minutes late, which may not seem like much, but it is when you only wake up 25 minutes before your class. Predictably, I rolled into my final class of the semester right on time and didn't want to draw attention to myself so I sat in the back row.
Yesterday, Sunday, I called into work for a multitude of reason. Number one: I didn't want to talk to anyone. Number two: I didn't want to risk seeing Ian. Number three: I didn't want to talk about Ian.
I completely isolated myself for 24 hours, but now all of my friends are hounding me to talk about my conversation with Ian from the other day.
"Josie Elle, stop walking this instant!"
The second class ended, I turned and bolted out the door, yet Kaila managed to catch up with me in the blink of an eye.
I did always tell her she should've ran track in high school.
I halted mid-step, only because I knew she'd catch up at one point and using my energy would just be a waste.
"So?" She looked at me expectantly, waiting for some type of elaboration.
"We talked," I shrugged. I didn't want to go into detail, but I didn't have much of a choice.
"Come on, Jos. Something has to be running through your mind right now."
Kaila knows me better than anyone ever has and anyone ever will. She's been by my side through thick and thin. And she can read me like I used to be able to read Ian. She wants me to confide in her because she can't read my emotions right now. How do I know that? Well, because I don't even know my emotions right now.
"He's home. I've been waiting for this day for four years, and—" I physically couldn't continue. I didn't know what I wanted to say next. Before any tears had even fully formed, I ran the back of my hand over my eyes.
I've had yet to cry, and I plan to keep it that way for as long as possible.
"We just talked about ourselves a little, to catch up."
"Joel come up?"
"He told me you told him."
"Sorry, it just slipped," Kaila shot me an apologetic look. "Okay, maybe it didn't, but I wanted him to know what he was going into, so he didn't expect some cliché reunion."
"It's okay," I chuckled softly. "It was probably for the better." I doubt he's still hung up on me, but it saved me from an awkward talk. I don't think I'm cut out for the whole "telling your ex-boyfriend/ex-best friend about your new boyfriend" type of talk.
"Does Joel know he's home?"
"Oh, everyone knows," I murmured. "Mr. Westchester freaked when he saw Ian. As soon as Ian had left, he was already planning a welcome home party for him."
"Oh, that's why he wants all the high schoolers working this weekend," she realized.
Mr. Westchester works Kaila, Jocey, Cara, Joel, and I as often as our schedules permit, but he, also, has several high school employees. They take up more of the weekend and night shifts given their schedules. He's having them work this weekend so that my friends and I can all reunite with Ian without worrying about work. Little does Mr. Westchester understand, whether I was working or not, my mind would not be focused in on work anyway.
"You going to go?"
"Of course." At one point, a very key part of my life, Ian was my whole world. I'm elated he's home safe.
Kaila and I stopped walking when we reached my car. I opened my back door to leave my books in the backseat and leaned against the driver's door after I closed it.
"Are you going to be okay?"
I nodded. "I'm fine; it'll just take some getting used to."
It's easy to not think about someone that's not around. Having Ian around again is a whole new story.
"Well, I should get home and shower." Ten minutes to drive to school from my apartment, including a shower was not nearly enough time, so not showering was my opportunity cost. I've got to do what I've got to do in order pass my classes.
"Do you work tonight?"
"No, I think Joel's coming over later." That's her little hint to probably not come home tonight, at least not until later.
"Great," she groaned sarcastically, catching the subtle hint I dropped. "Okay, well, I'll be at work. I'll try and go over Jocelyn's or something."
"You can come home, Kai, we'll keep it PG," I laughed. I just love making her uncomfortable.
Kaila rolled her eyes and flicked my forehead as she started to walk away. "See you, hun!" I briefly waved before I got in my car to go back to the apartment I share with Kaila.
Kaila and I lived on campus freshmen year and half of sophomore year, until we saved up enough for an apartment. Ultimately, we were saving so much money by living at an apartment right off campus as opposed to the dorms.
Joel has talked about wanting me to move in with him, but I've turned the idea down more than once. I just don't think it's the best idea because I still have another year at Miami while he finishes up this year. Plus, he's supposed to start meeting with agents to get recruited to play for an NFL team, or even just a minor league team.
I'd hate to move in with him for two months, then find out he's leaving to play professional football.
I ran my hand through my hair that was surprisingly still soft and clean — probably because I laid in bed the entire day yesterday — and unlocked the door to my apartment, ready to shower and go back to sleep before my next class in a couple of hours.
"Surprise!" Joel jumped out in front of me from behind the door, throwing his hands in the air. I gasped so loud and jumped so high that I thought I was having some sort of heart attack. I punched him in the stomach and regretted it instantly — don't punch your football playing boyfriend in his rock-hard abs.
Joel grabbed my hands and pulled me into his arms, simply giving me a bone-crushing hug.
Since Joel spent so long pining over me as I was getting over Ian, we got really close, kind of how things were with Ian; we were close friends before we dated. Ever since I met Joel, his hugs have been up there in my favorite things about him.
Plus, he has always known exactly when I needed them most.
"I missed you yesterday," he murmured before kissing the top of my head.
And he's one of the most understanding people I've ever met. I was supposed to hangout with him yesterday, but I just needed time to myself, and he was understanding.
It's the little things like that that made it so easy for me to fall in love with him.
"I missed you, too." I looked up to meet Joel's gaze and kissed him. "I love you."
"I love you, too," he smiled with his teeth and all, which he doesn't do all that often. "How are you?"
"Tired," I sighed. "I'm sure I smell, too."
Joel playfully waved his hand in front of his face as if to wave my odor away. Though I knew he was joking, I nudged him softly anyway.
"Yeah, we should probably shower," he agreed with a wink.
"Cute, but not today. I'll be out in five." I stepped around him to the bathroom.
My shower was quick, a little over five minutes as promised. I put on the Vera Bradley robe Joel got me for Christmas last year and climbed into bed next to Joel. He seemed to be exhausted too.
"Hey." He turned to face me with a small grin.
"What'd you do this morning that's got you tuckered out?" I brought my hand up and rested it on his cheek.
"Some trainings. Coach wants to make sure I stay in shape while we wait for the next draft."
"Are you still trying out for that semi-professional team?"
"Yeah, I'm trying out in Miami and a few other cities."
"Fingers crossed you make the Miami team," I murmured, thinking about what we'd do if he had to move. I'd never hold him back from making his dreams come true, but that doesn't mean I won't hate to see him go.
"Actually, Jos, there are two Florida teams, both based here in Miami."
I smiled, happily. "That's good to hear." At least I get to extend my time with him a little while longer before he gets recruited for the NFL, which I know he will be. He's too talented not to be.
"Do you want to talk about it?" He murmured softly as I snuggled closer into his chest.
"I didn't know he was coming back home. I would've prepared myself."
In some relationships, this conversation may be awkward and uncomfortable for both sides, but I didn't think it'd be for Joel. He knew all about my past relationship and friendship with Ian and understood it. Which means he understands that I still love him even with Ian home; Ian's presence changes nothing.
"How would you have prepared for it?"
"Mentally, I don't know," I sighed because I knew he was right.
"It's been four years, and you still weren't ready to see him again. How much time and preparation do you think it would've taken?"
A lot. "I know, you're right."
"Focus on the brighter side, Josie. He's safe. He's healthy and safe." Yet another reason why I love Joel; he makes finding the bright side the easy part of everything.
He's so much like Ian it scares me.
"Mr. Westchester is throwing a welcome home party for Ian. Are you going to come?"
"Do you want me to?"
"Of course I want you to."
"Then of course I'll go." Joel put his finger under my chin and tilted my head upward so he could give me a peck on the lips.
Joel's eyes closed after he kissed me and he slowly slipped into unconsciousness.
He works so hard for football; I can't wait for the day he gets to play professionally. Even if it means that he'd have to move away, it would be worth seeing him go because I know he would be happy.
Same as how it went with Ian. Ian abruptly left with little warning, yet it was impossible to resent him. Not only was he going to fight for our country, but it's what he had been wanting to do since he joined the JROTC freshman year. I would never ask someone to give up their dreams and goals for me.
•••
Very late, but it happens! I spent the past week at a student leadership camp, which was undoubtedly the best place I've ever been to.
That place changed my entire life in just 6 days. It's something I wish everyone had the opportunity to experience. If you live in Michigan, look into masc/mahs summer student leadership camp. I promise you it's worth the time and money. I can already tell that I'm becoming a better version of myself.
If you're interested in leadership camp, please let me know. I will tell you all about it and how it managed to change my life. PM is always open for contact.
With that being said, I learned a lot of valuable life lessons and really got to know a variety of people that I don't think I would talk to all that often if it weren't for this camp. As always, if any of you need anything at any given point in your life for any reason, I promise I'm someone you can confide in. Just PM me. I'm here, you're not alone.
Don't forget to...
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- Emily