“Michael,” I whispered. “Are you awake?”
“Hmm.”
“Michael.”
“Yeah,” he said sleepily. “I’m awake.”
I rolled over and looked at him. His eyes were still closed and his breathing was even. On this vacation I was the one waking up first more times than not. Definitely a change from when we were at school. I checked the time on the clock and it was barely into the next day. I sighed and rolled back over, looking out the window and hoping to go back to sleep.
Aidan was the target. This whole time, Aidan was the reason all of…that had happened to me. I wondered what he would do with that information. To know he was the reason the person he loved the most was hurt, almost killed…it’s an all new weight. And I could tell him. I could go down stairs, dial his number, and tell him what the Angels had allowed me to know.
It would be the perfect revenge. I could give him that burden; that most of the scars on my skin were his fault.
But he already knows that. My inner voice said.
I buried my face in my pillow. I asked myself Are you sure?
How could he not? Michael knows the scars on your back are because of him. Every time he sees them, feels them, he flinches just a bit on the inside. They brought you together so in part he loves them. He also hates them. Aidan knows.
I lifted my head and looked out the window again. If that was true then how was he ever able to be near me? How could he bear it?
He loved you. He has his own weight too, you know. Each day his shoulders sagged a little lower, just like yours. But you helped shoulder his burden. You loved him too.
I couldn’t do it. Jason’s reasons had gone unknown for so long. No one ever understood why he’d done all the horrible things he did, why he targeted me. And now I knew. And I couldn’t tell anyone. Another secret, another load for me to carry, for me to carry alone.
You don’t carry it alone. He knows. He carries it too.
He carried it unbeknownst. I had a choice right then. I could make him aware of his burden or I could let him keep going as he was, unable to understand. But would it matter? He didn’t love me any more so would it mean the same if he did?
I got out of bed, shivering at the chill in the room. I slipped on my pj bottoms and headed downstairs. I picked up the phone and dialed his number. I didn’t hesitate. The need to hurt him, somehow, was too great to sedate with silence. He picked up on the second ring.
“Hello?”
“He did it because of you.”
“Who?” he asked frantically. I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat. A tear slid down my face. “Ana?”
“Jason. Everything he did…was because of you.”
“Ana, what are you talking about?”
“I had a dream. The Angels…they brought him into my dream and he told me…it’s all your fault. If I’d never met you…”
“Ana,” he said sternly. “It was just a dream. It didn’t mean anything.”
“It was real. What he said…I never thought about it. I always thought it was me but…it wasn’t. It was you. You were his target…”
“Ana, stop.”
“He targeted me to get to you. He tortured me because of you. Everything is your fault.”
“Ana…”
“But it doesn’t matter does it? You can’t even feel remorse because I don’t mean the same to you.”
“Of course it means something to me. I still care about you…”
“But you don’t love me so it doesn’t feel the same as if you did. Doesn’t carry the same weight.”
“Ana, where are you? I want to see you.”
“NO. No, definitely not.”
“We need to talk about this.”
I sighed. “There’s nothing left, Aidan. You know that. That’s why you left.”
“That’s not why I left. I left…” He sighed. “I left because I didn’t want to cause you anymore pain. I didn’t want to feel something but not feel it. If what you’re saying is true then we need to talk about this, face to face.”
“No. You can’t come here. I shouldn’t even be calling you. This was a mistake.”
“Don’t hang up!”
“Goodbye, Aidan.
“Don’t hang up! Ana!”
I held onto the phone, hearing him call my name desperately.
“I hate you,” I whispered.
I hung up the phone and went back to bed, ignoring the ringing phone in the kitchen.
We stayed in bed all day. We talked, we laughed, we joked around, and we watched crappy daytime television.
“Have you ever jumped off the balcony and into the pool?”
“That balcony?” He pointed at the door. “No. Even I would break something.”
I laughed. “But it would be fun, right?”
“No.” He laughed. “I’ve only broken a bone once and it hurt like hell. I don’t want to do that again. Plus the pool isn’t deep enough.”
“So you’ve at least thought about it?”
He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “I’ve lived a long time, Georgiana. I’ve thought about everything at one point or another.”
“Really?” I grinned. “Then why aren’t you famous for inventing the light bulb or writing the next book that defines America to its very deep, dark core?”
He rolled so he was laying on top of me. “It would be kind of hard to live forever with something like that, don’t you think? Everywhere I would go someone might recognize me or ask me if I was related to the one guy who did all of that stuff. Best left up to Thomas Edison and Steinbeck. There’s no fun in the world if you’re famous. Some things have to remain a mystery for humans to discover.”
“Is that so?”
He smiled. “And if I’d done all of that, I wouldn’t be here…with you.”
“Are you here? With me?”
He frowned for a second. “Of course. Where else would I be?”
“I don’t know. You have a tendency to think while you’re with me and it takes you somewhere else.”
“The only thing I’m thinking about—” he lowered himself down so he was settled on top of me “—is what I’m about to do to you.”
“And what’s that?”
His blue eyes smoldered at me. “Something I could never tell your father about.”
He kissed me softly at first, sending my world spinning. The bond ricocheted emotions back and forth between us, sending us into a complete tailspin. This was finally going to happen. I couldn’t believe it. We’d been dancing around it for months and now we were finally alone and able to do whatever we wanted.
“Michael,” I murmured.
“Hum?”
He pulled back a little to look at me. His cheeks were flushed and his eyes were intense. I knew what I wanted to say but I couldn’t make myself say it out loud.
I love you.
He pulled me up so I was sitting in front of him.
“We don’t have to do this,” he said.
“I want to.” I scooted forward so I was inches away. “I want you.”
He wrapped an arm around my waist and placed a hand on my face.
“I want you too,” he whispered. “For so long all I’ve wanted…was you.”
“And now you have me,” I whispered. “Completely. Wholly. Forever.”
“And you have me, Georgiana. Completely, wholly, and forever.”
I smiled and pressed my forehead against his. He pulled me onto his lap, wrapping both arms around me. What I’d said had meaning. It was a mantra, a promise, Slayers made at their commitment ceremony, their wedding. Technically it wasn’t official unless an Elder was there to witness it but to me, it felt real.
I sealed my promise with a kiss, holding onto him like I never wanted to let go. The moment heated up, the kiss growing deeper and I felt elated, completely at peace for the first time in years.
And then the doorbell rang.
Michael turned his head towards the door and growled. I sighed in frustration and rested my forehead on his shoulder. Would we ever catch a break? Thank god clothes hadn’t started coming off yet or we’d be more inclined not to answer it. Not that I wanted to answer it now or that Michael wanted to answer it.
“Who is it?” I asked.
“I don’t know.”
I lifted my head and looked at him. He was livid, completely pissed. I couldn’t help but feel a little amused by the situation. If it wasn’t one thing with us, it was another. That’s the way it had always been and I couldn’t imagine it changing now.
I kissed him, trying to calm him down before he went to answer the door. Because if he didn’t I knew he’d tear into whoever it was, whether literally or figuratively.
His mouth was unyielding at first, not wanting to let go of his anger. But after a few moments of resisting, he let me drink his anger in, even as the person downstairs rang the doorbell again.
“Just ignore them,” I said. “They’ll go away.”
He chuckled. “You don’t know the people of this island. If they even sense you’re home, they won’t stop.”
“Well I don’t want to stop.”
He trailed kisses down my jawbone and then nibbled my chin.
“I’ll be right back.”
I sighed, knowing this was one of the possible outcomes when I started the kiss. He pulled on his shirt from yesterday and redid the one button I’d managed to undo. He’d been lounging in jeans since he was one for commando and my face literally slipped into a pout at the thought of him actually being…commando. He grinned at my face as I watched him.
I’m supposed to be taking clothes off you. Not watching you put them on.
He laughed and gave me one last kiss before leaving the room. I got up and closed the door.
“God, I need a cold shower.” I murmured.
As it turned out it was a repair guy Jon Winter had called to check out the gate. When I got out of my shower, I changed into a bathing suit and headed out to the deck. I remembered a towel this time, suntan lotion, and my iPod. I was going to work on my tan.
“Do you really think you should be doing that while he’s here?” Michael asked as I passed him in the kitchen.
I tilted my sunglasses down and looked at him. He looked like he was lit from the inside and that made me smile. I was glad I was the only one who could do that to him.
“I have nothing else to do.”
“I thought you were going to stay in bed all day.”
I shrugged. “Enjoy the view, Michael.”
He laughed. “Oh I’m enjoying it all right. It’s everyone else I’m worried about. You could stop traffic in that.”
I was wearing a red two piece that if my father ever saw he’d ban me from ever wearing again.
“Then it’s a good thing I’m not going out the front door.” I gave him a kiss, lingering for a second before heading down to the beach.
It was a good ninety something degrees outside. I got situated, plugged my ear buds in my ears, cranked up some Green Day to relax to.
“Watch out!” someone yelled.
I opened my eyes and rolled away just as a football landed right where my head had once been. I untangled myself from my ear buds and perched my sunglasses on my head. I looked up the beach and saw a young man jogging over to me, about ten yards away. He was eyeing me like I’d seen so many boys do before. I rolled my eyes and scooped up the ball. I didn’t feel like chatting and fielding the lines he’d feed me.
I threw the ball and it slammed into him, knocking him back a bit. I laid back down, this time my back facing up. I twisted my hair and knotted it off to the side. I put my ear buds back in and closed my eyes.
It didn’t last longer than one minute until the boy I’d thrown the ball to stood over me.
“You’re in my light,” I said, not even bothering to open my eyes and look at him. I was hoping my scars would deter him, maybe scare him a little. But no such luck.
I heard a muffled voice. He was trying to talk to me. I really hated cutting off Green Day. They were among my favorite rock bands and even if they weren’t really here, I felt like it was rude to cut them off mid song.
I tugged out one ear bud. “What do you want?”
“I just—”
“Not interested.” I put the ear bud back in. “Go away.”
There was more muffled talking and I rolled my eyes. I sat up, pulling both ear buds out this time. I stood up and faced him. He was grinning from ear to ear.
“What’s your name?” I asked.
“Brian.”
“Look Brian, I’m here on vacation. I’m not interested in a summer fling, not even with you. I’m already dating someone. So do yourself a favor and run off with your friends.”
This just made him grin bigger.
“Do you want to play with us? You have one hell of a throwing arm.”
“No. I’m catching some sun.”
“You don’t need it,” he said looking me over. “You’re naturally tan.”
“What can I say to make you go away?”
“Nothing,” he responded.
“What can I say?” Michael said, coming down the stairs.
Brian looked up at Michael and his eyes got wide.
“Mr. Thor,” he said. “I’m sorry…is she with you?”
“She’s my guest and I believe she asked you to leave.”
“Right.” He looked at me. “Sorry.”
I threw my arms up in frustration as Brian walked away as quickly as he could.
“Now why couldn’t I do that?”
“He wasn’t listening to you,” Michael said, a smile spreading across his face. “Other parts of you were distracting him. I told you going outside in that would be a bad idea.”
“Boys! They only have one thought on the brain.”
He wrapped his arms around me. “And I’m afraid it never quite goes away.”
“I’m thinking from now on I’ll just tan on the deck.”
“I don’t know. I don’t think I should deprive the local teenage boys their chance of hitting on you.”
I smacked him on the arm. “You’re not supposed to want people to hit on me.”
He laughed. “It doesn’t matter what I want. You’re going to do whatever pops into that mind of yours whether I agree to it or not.”
“Did you come down here to insult me or did you really need something?”
“I came to see what you wanted for dinner.”
“It’s dinner time already?”
“You’ve been out here for about an hour.”
“Shit! Really?” He nodded. “Damn. Is the guy gone yet?” He nodded again. “Do I have to go inside?” He shook his head. “You’re enjoying this aren’t you?” He nodded, smiling. “Give me thirty more minutes and then we can eat. Well…I can eat…you can…do whatever it is you do.”
He laughed. “You act as if I don’t need to eat.”
“Well technically you don’t. You drink. I eat.”
“I can eat. I ate last night.”
I thought back to the night before. I had seen him eating. Huh…
“Ok…then come up with something and give me thirty more minutes.”
“Try not to attract anymore attention,” he joked. “I don’t want to have to come rescue you every five minutes.”
“Ha ha, very funny,” I said. I went up on tip toes and kissed him briefly. “Now go.”
“Yes ma’am.”
I watched him walk back up to the house and as I turned my head to sit back down, a bird caught my attention sitting on the house next door. It wasn’t like the normal birds I saw around here, annoying sea gulls. It was a large bird, a large black bird.
What the hell?
He was not here. He was not going to ruin this vacation for me. It was just a raven or a crow. I ignored the bird and plopped back down on my towel. I stuck my ear buds back in and jacked up Green Day. I waited. I knew if it was him, he’d come down here eventually. I could feel it humming along my skin. I didn’t have to wait long. A shadow was cast over me before Billie Joe Armstrong could even start the lyrics to Wake Me Up When September Ends.
But I didn’t move and he didn’t talk.
“You shouldn’t be here.”
He crouched down next to me and tugged out an ear bud. “I had to come.” I opened my eyes and looked at him, if he knew he didn’t say since my sunglasses were on.
“No you didn’t. I told you not to come and you should’ve listened.”
He narrowed his eyes at me. “You really thought I’d stay away after what you said to me?”
I sat up and moved my sunglasses on top of my head. “Are you telling me you came down here to ruin my vacation because you didn’t get the last word in?”
“I came down here to talk to you about what you said.”
“God…” I plopped back down on the towel, face up this time. “I never should’ve made that first call. I should’ve just let it go.”
“Why did you call me?”
I looked at him, long and hard before I answered, weighting my options. I decided to lie, well, not really. “Doesn’t matter. It was stupid of me to think I could even talk to you.”
“You can talk to me. I told you I wanted us to be…”
“You said you didn’t want to be friends so don’t even go there.”
He sighed and looked down at his hands. “I know. I’m sorry.”
“I had a nightmare. That’s all. I wanted to talk to you about it but I changed my mind at the last second. Nothing to worry about.”
“What did you dream about?”
“Nothing.”
“It was something more than nothing or you’d never pick up the phone.”
I put my sunglasses back over my eyes, closing the window of which he could see my emotions. The last thing he needed right now was to know he would be the one who killed me. It would tear him apart.
“Sundaes and ponies.”
He reached out and grabbed my wrist before I could roll over. “Don’t. Lie. To. Me.”
I pulled my arm away from him. “It was a nightmare. It passed.”
“And what about last night?”
“Raphael granted Jason a ‘visit’. Apparently he had some information he felt like sharing.”
“What did he say?”
“I already told you. He said you’re the reason he did everything to me. You were the endgame.”
“Me.”
“Yes. You. Apparently I had too much of an influence in your life so he sought to rid you of me. Instead he failed in killing me and ended up taking you away from me anyways, just not the way he wanted.”
“Ana…”
“He’s twisted, Aidan. He wanted you to help him destroy the world. But you…” I cut myself off before I said anything else. “It doesn’t matter now. All that matters is he’s gone and it’s finally over. We can all move on with our lives. No more worrying over why he did it.”
“I don’t understand...”
I sat up. “What part don’t you get?”
“Why me?”
“He said you were full of repressed anger and resentment. I guess he saw in you the same things he saw in himself when he was human. He was going to turn you and train you no matter what happened. He got the first part done but couldn’t quite manage the second.”
“Why?”
“Because you loved me. He said he had to get rid of me first. You were too concerned with me to even listen to what he had to say.”
Aidan’s dark eyes looked at me intently. I tried to ignore the emotion he held there. He cared about me, I could see that. But the love still wasn’t there, that helped remind me why…
“You should go,” I said. “You know everything I do now. There’s no reason for you to be here.”
“Ana…” He reached out but I flinched away from him.
“Don’t,” I said. “Nothing’s changed. I’d see it if it had.”
He moved closer to me. “Tell me you love me. Tell me you want me. Please Ana, tell me.”
My eyes traveled over his face. “Why? What’s the point?”
“Because I need to hear it…one last time. I won’t bother you again. If you say it, I’ll leave you alone forever.”
“I can’t.”
I looked away from him but he reached out and grabbed my chin. He turned my head so I was looking at him. He pulled off my sunglasses so he could see into my heart.
“Tell me,” he said.
“No,” I whispered. “You’re not the same, you’re not…my Aidan. I don’t love you. I don’t want you. I want him. I love him. And you’re not him. You’re a shadow.”
“I can be him.”
“You can pretend but you’re not really him. You’re different.”
“One day it could turn out to be real.”
“Right now it isn’t and it’s something I need. Something I want. So don’t come back. Don’t come near me again.”
“But it’s there, Ana. I know it. It’s just behind the veil. But no matter what I do I can’t get to it. No matter how many times I draw it…it won’t go away. I know I love you. I know I want you. It’s all there. I promise you. I just…”
“You can’t feel it, Aidan.” I searched his eyes desperately. “Your eyes tell me everything I need to know. They always have. They don’t light up like they used to. Love doesn’t shine there, only desperation. He took you away from me, locked it all up in a box and threw away the key. You’ll never get it back. He changed you for a reason. He knew this moment would come, when I wouldn’t be in your way anymore. And he won. He got the end result but he’s not here to do anything about it.”
I put my hands on his face. “He put you out of my reach and I’ll never get you back. So stop. Just stop. Go back to New York. Live your life. Find a girl—” he shook his head “—fall in love with her, make the family you always wanted. You can be happy, Aidan. You can find your way to the new happiness that awaits you, that’s meant for you.”
His hand covered mine, his fingers threading through mine and gripping so hard. “I can’t. I won’t. I will feel it again. And when I do, I’ll find you. I’ll be with you. I will love you again. I swear.”
“I’ll be long gone before that ever happens.”
Tears flooded into his eyes. “No. I will find my way back to you. I will be your Aidan again. Don’t give up on me. Please.” He placed a kiss in my palm. “You were meant for me, Ana. Me. Not Michael, not for anyone else. Me. And I will have you. I promise you, I’ll find my way back.”
I closed my eyes and pressed my forehead against his. “No,” I whispered. “You’re going to live forever, Aidan.” I opened my eyes and looked at him. “And I’m not. Maybe its better this way, that you don’t feel it. You can move on.”
“I can’t,” he said. “There is no one else; there will never be anyone else. There’s only you.”
I shook my head and drew back. “No.”
His hand cupped the back of my head and pulled me back to him, his lips meeting mine. They were soft and warm. They were so familiar. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted it to be my Aidan so bad that it burned on the inside. But it wasn’t and this was fundamentally wrong.
I pushed back from him, his eyes opening with that same desperation I saw in him the last time I saw him. He knew he loved me. He knew he wanted me. He just couldn’t feel it. Everything associated to me had no feeling for him at all.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “But I can’t do this.”
I stood up and moved away from him.
“Please don’t, Ana. Don’t run from me again.”
“Tell me you love me,” I said. “Look at me the way you used to and I’ll do whatever you want. Just tell me you love me and mean it.”
I saw his Adam’s apple bob and the mechanics of his mind trying to come up with what I wanted him to do. He was trying to reach that love, the love that was locked away. He was trying so hard. I started to think that maybe…
But when he looked at me…it wasn’t real.
“I love you,” he said.
My face crumpled and tears fell down my face. “No you don’t.”
His own face fell and he looked down at his hands. I looked down at them too. Remembering how they used to feel. How comforting it used to be when he would just hold my hand. What we’d had was unlike anything I’d ever dreamed of. But it was over and it was time to let go.
I reached out and took one, entwining our fingers one last time. I pressed my palm against his, a sad smile spreading across my face. Our hands still fit together. Even if our lives didn’t.
“I’ll always…” I choked up for a second. “I’ll miss you.”
He looked up at me, his eyes glistening with tears. “I’ll miss you more. I miss you already.”
I hugged him tightly, wanting so desperately for him to be my Aidan. He held onto me firmly, not wanting to let me go.
“I hope you’ll be happy,” I whispered.
He let out a ragged breath. “I’ll never be happy again, Ana. The only time I was happy was with you, when you were in my arms, when you were mine.”
I buried my face in his shirt, the soft cotton smelling just like him.
“You carry a piece of me wherever you go,” I whispered. “It’ll never leave you.”
“Yes I do and I’ll keep it forever.”
~ * ~
Music Selection: Imagine by Jack Johnson, Feels Like Home by Chantal Kreviazuk, Holiday by Green Day, Hero by Enrique Iglesias, The Gift by Seether