Hannah Thornton had taken her grandson to Alexandria's clinic several times while her daughter-in-law was staying there. When Johnny had asked to go see his Mama, Hannah was having a difficult time trying to tell him that she was gone. Hannah was unable to find the words and settled on telling the young lad they would go at a different time.
When John didn't come down to breakfast, she assumed that he had already gone to the mill. It wasn't unusual for him to do so. It was midmorning when John's foreman came looking for John. Hannah sent the man on his way and went to find her son.
Still laying on the bed, feet on the floor, was John. He had not slept.
"John! Are you ill?" Hannah asked.
"No."
"Why are you not at the mill?"
"I am a failure mother.
"You are not a failure John."
"I failed my wife. I hurt her the way I have never hurt another person in all my years. I was cruel, thoughtless, and hateful."
"Yes, you were."
John rolled his head to the side to look at his mother. "I didn't deserve her. She didn't deserve my treatment of her."
"It's over now John. You need to pull yourself together. You have a business and a son that both need you."
"I can't face the mill."
"John Thornton, you will face the mill and your workers. It was by your hand that did the damage. You do not get a day to feel sorry for yourself and lick your wounds. You need to talk to your son and tell him what has happened and then you need to talk to the hands and their families that will be looking for your wife."
"You are correct." John sighed and sat up.
Hannah didn't say anything else to her son and walked away. She had errands to attend to, including a stop at the bank and the post office.
When his mother left, John laid back on the bed. Truly, he meant to get up but was just unable to do so yet. His thoughts settled back on Alexandria. He had wronged her horribly. The realization that she was well and truly gone was painful.
Yet, John understood that it was his fault. He could speak with her about anything, except his own feelings. Even the small things that happened at the mill, it might take a bit of understanding but she was able to catch on quickly. He had said to Higgins more than once that given a bit of training, Alexandria could probably run the mill better than he himself could.
Once again, Hannah Thornton thought that her son had returned to work. Having always listened to her in the past, there was no reason to think differently. Nightfall came and when he had not returned home after the mill long since finished for the day, she went to check on him. The mill was completely devoid of life and that included John. Exasperated, she returned home and without bothering to knock Hannah entered John's bedroom. He was finally sleeping.
Hannah didn't bother him, as much as she wished to.
The next morning Hannah went to check on her grandson and get him ready for his breakfast. They had just sat down to eat when there was someone at the door. One of the maids went down to answer it. Frowning, Hannah wasn't exactly positive who it could be coming at the very early hour, but she did have an idea.
The visitor was no visitor at all, it was Alexandria. Bending to kiss her mother-in-law's cheek, she spoke softly. "Telegram received Mother Thornton."
Johnny's face went from sullen to happy at the appearance of his stepmother. He raced over to her, burying his face in Alexandria's skirts. "I missed you Mama."
"I missed you too my boy." Bending down Alexandria hugged her son tight. Tears formed in her eyes but did not fall. She had shed enough tears over John Thornton these last days and refused to let another drop.
"You look tired my dear. Would you like to join us for breakfast?" Hannah had not been certain that she would respond to the telegram.
"I am rather tired, but no thank you Mother. I would like to speak with John, if he is about?"
"He is in your bedchambers." Hannah noticed that Alexandria flinched at the word 'your'.
"Thank you." Kissing the top of Johnny's head she spoke to him. "You and I will see each other in a bit. Finish your breakfast first."
"Yes ma'am."
"Thank you Johnny."
Nodding to Hannah, Alexandria went to the once shared bed chamber in search of John. Steeling herself, there was a decision about knocking and she decided not to. Pushing the door open, it was completely dark. The heavy curtains that kept out the light when she needed to rest were still closed. Frowning, it was far too late for him to be in bed. Closing the door, she let her eyes adjust to the darkness. John was laying on his bed, sleeping.
Shaking her head, she walked over and sat upon the edge of the bed. With a gentle touch, she pushed back the hair from his face. His sleep must have been restless for his hair was damp.
"Am I dreaming?" He asked hoarsely.
"No.
"You came back to me."
"Also, no. I leave tomorrow for America. Your mother was able to reach me and I came. I will take the train back to London today."
"I see." John frowned. "Are we still married?"
"Until you sign the paperwork, yes."
"I will not sign it Alexandria."
"That is your choice John. I released you from our marriage. Whether or not you decide to stay married is your choice." She started to rise.
John took her hand gently. "Please, do not go. I wish to speak with you."
Afraid this was what was going to happen, Alexandria sighed. "Permit me to light a candle or two then."
John lit one next to the bed and she lit a few others around the room. He was sitting up and she did not approach. She took a seat in the chair at his desk. She was stunned by his appearance. John was always neatly attired. His eyes were bloodshot and had dark circles around them. His hair was a mess and instead of being shaven, he was grizzled. He had also been scratching at the scars on his face, leaving the taut flesh angry.
As he looked at Alexandria, John noticed that even from the long train ride that she was well dressed and attired as a woman of her station should be. It had been 10 days since he saw her last, perhaps 12, even though she had been right there at the clinic for most of it. Alexandria had lost weight, it was easy to see. Yet, the weight loss and the wariness in her eyes were the only outward appearances that something was wrong.
"I am sorry." John spoke softly. "I am sorry for the hurt I caused you. I behaved horridly towards you. I am so sorry for what I did to you, to us."
"Thank you John." She tipped her head forward. "I best be going now. I want to see Johnny before I leave again."
"Alex, please."
Standing, a single eyebrow shot upwards. He had never called her Alex before. "Please what John?"
"Please don't go."
"I cannot stay. This is not the place for me."
"I love you Alexandria Thornton."
"I believed that at one time. I no longer do." She turned towards the door.
John moved from the bed and towards her. His hand touched the door to the room gently. He would not force the issue, but he did not wish to see her go. "I won't stop you. All I ask is for you to listen for a few minutes more."
"Do you believe you deserve my attention?" When he said nothing, she continued. "This was all a lie. I owe you nothing. I paid my debt for leaving you. I was generous enough to return at your mother's pleas. While I owe Johnny an explanation, I owe you absolutely nothing John Thornton. You are the one that broke my heart, not the other way around."
"I know. I beg you please Alex. You are still my wife, continue to be so for a few more minutes and then I will sign the paperwork."
"Very well." She sighed.
"The first time I saw you, I spoke to you in a gruff manner. Even that first meeting, I was attracted to you. How could I not be? You are beautiful. I didn't want to be. I was still mourning Margaret. I felt that I was being unfaithful to her. It was far worse the second time I saw you. You had settled in. I thought I was being magnanimous by 'allowing' you to stay. You put me in my place immediately." John's eyes closed briefly, remembering.
"It was my mother's idea to invite you to the merchant's dinner. I did not want you there. If it had been up to me, you would not have been invited. I am glad you were. You saved my son's life." He ran a hand through his unkempt hair. "Spending time with you in the clinic, I wanted more. I fell in love with you swiftly. The first time we made love, you taught me that a woman could enjoy relations. I had no idea. It always seemed to be something women endured but didn't enjoy.
God, how I loved you. Yet, I am a foolish man. I saw the lust in the eyes of other men. The women gossiped about you. I was both jealous and embarrassed. Then I became angry. If you didn't have the clinic and stayed home like a proper wife, I thought I wouldn't have the feelings that I was. I didn't understand until much later that the feelings were mine and mine alone. The men looked at you because you are a beautiful woman. The women gossiped, just as they did about every other woman they know. In my own fears, I treated you terribly. My sweet Alexandria. I betrayed you. When I should have held your hand, I gave you my back. There is nothing I regret more in this life than hurting you. I didn't hurt just you. I hurt my entire family. They love you. I love you. And I chased you away." He hung his head and stopped for a breath.
"I took your love for granted. I took you for granted." He looked her in the eye. "There are no words that could explain how sorry I am to have done that to you. I did not act as a man acts. I didn't even have the decency to act as a boy, no I was a simple ignorant fool. I pushed you away out of fear. I was terrified I would have to bury you. It seemed safer at the time to keep a distance than to love our time together.
At the Master's dinner one of the men stated that you were one to bed but not to wed." He swallowed hard, his chest hurting at the memory. "It rang true at first." John saw the fury in Alex's silvery eyes. "Please, let me explain further. You were so different than anyone I had ever known. You were too pretty, too intelligent, too kind, too everything. So it made me believe that ugly statement. It was actually that I felt unworthy of you. I was a mere merchant. I am a big, rough, uncouth tradesman. I am no different than the poorest of hands on the mill floor. But you surpassed everything I could imagine having in my life. You not only are a doctor but a female one. You had everything stacked against you my darling girl and still you persevered. How many men can say that let alone women? I spent a lot of time thinking that the other masters had lost respect for me because of you. It was actually was I lost respect for myself because of how I treated you. I thought it was you I hated but it was myself. You I loved completely."
Drawing a deep breath, Alex nodded. "Thank you John." She started to leave.
"Alexandria, don't go. You are still my wife. You carry our child. I love you. Perhaps one day you will forgive what I have done. If not, so be it. I will understand. Stay for my mother and my son then. You have a home. You have the clinic. I will not ask you to share my bed. You will have your own set of rooms."
"John? Why would I wish to stay and be reminded daily that my husband hated me?"
"Because you know that I also loved you."
"It's not that simple."
"It can be." With a careful approach, John kissed Alexandria softly. She did not react but she didn't push him away either. "Stay my love. I beg you to stay with me. We can take things slow. I will court you properly this time. I have prayed every moment of every day that you and I will be together forever. Our souls entwined with each other throughout the ages." He touched her cheek with reverence. "Permit me to be the husband you deserve. Let me show you what love truly is."
Pinching the bridge of her nose, Alex sighed softly. "I will be back shortly."
"Where are you going?"
"I wish to see my son."
John nodded. "Please return so that we may speak more."
"I shall."
Exiting what was once her bed chambers, she caught Hannah and Johnny on the way to his bedroom for his daily reading lesson with Hannah.
"May I take over for a bit please Mother?" Johnny took Alex's hand immediately and looked up to the only woman he knew as his mother with a smile. Alexandria returned the smile.
"Of course." Hannah replied.
Alexandria sat on the floor with him. With Johnny next to her, they worked on building his vocabulary. She could feel the fear pouring off of her son in the way the crude stuffed bunny was held tight by him.
"Mama? Will you be here for dinner?"
"I don't know my darling boy." She answered truthfully.
Johnny teared up. "Please Mama. I love you. Don't leave me. Please don't leave me."
Alex bit down hard on her lip to keep the tears at bay. Within seconds, she tasted blood. "I cannot make that promise sweetheart. I will try."
Johnny wrapped his arms around her neck and held close to his precious mama. "You cannot leave Mama. Please don't go. Please. I have missed you so."
"Go work on your penmanship for a little while Johnny. I swear I won't leave without saying goodbye." She rubbed his back gently.
"Yes ma'am."
"Would you like for me to sing to you before you do your work?"
"Please Mama."
Sweet little children's tunes she sang to him. When he started on his penmanship, Alexandria kissed his forehead and then got up and left the room, closing the door behind her. She didn't even make it to John's bed chambers when she started to cry. She loved that little boy with all of her heart. The thought of hurting him was painful. Someone cutting her heart out would cause less pain she thought. Sliding down the wall, Alexandria knelt upon the floor. Great racking sobs choked her.
The sobs must have been loud enough for John to hear. He stepped out of his room and looked for the source. He walked over to Alexandria and picked her up from the floor. Carrying her back to what was once their bedroom, John sat in a chair and just held her. He didn't attempt to stop her tears. He didn't ask any questions. He held her and let her get the pain out. It was only when the tears finally stopped and her breathing normalized once again, did he speak.
"Better?"
She nodded, not trusting her voice.
"Do you need to talk about what happened?"
"Our son begged me to stay."
"Our?"
"He will always be my first born John. I may not have given birth to him but he is my son in all ways."
"Does this mean you will stay?"
"Yes."
"Thank you."
"Don't thank me. Thank our son."
"Will you destroy the annulment?"
"Yes. It seems pointless now."
"Lay down with me please Alexandria? I just wish to hold you."
When she nodded, John Thornton carried her to their bed. He was gentle in setting her down upon the mattress. Sliding in next to her, he just held her close. His hand rested lightly on her swollen belly. Alexandria fell asleep within minutes. He felt the baby move against his hand. That prick of fear rose again but he pushed it away. There was no reason to fear. They were only promised the now. Once again, he prayed to God. Don't ever take her away from me, please Lord. I love her. I would give my life for her and our children. Permit me to keep her with me forever dear Lord, I beg of you.
She, John, and Johnny met Hannah at the breakfast table. Hannah said nothing about the return of her daughter-in-law. She could tell that Alexandria was still a touch skittish when it came to John. She also guessed it was because of Johnny that she stayed. It didn't matter the reason just that she did. Alexandria and John would repair their damaged relationship in due time.
John and Alexandria woke at their normal time the next morning. Neither had moved from their position from the night before. She cleaned up before he did and went to wake Johnny so that they all may break their fast together.
"Mama? Is it time to eat?"
"Yes it is."
"Does this mean you are staying?" He looked worried.
"Yes it does." She smiled gently.
"Thank you." He hugged her tightly.
"John Thornton II, you are most welcome. I love you."
"I love you too."