If you haven't read my notes then make sure to go back and reread the edited chapters before this! If you're a post editing reader then carry on!
***
"So you just move it up and down, like this."
"Reese I'm telling you I can't move my butt like that."
"Just try!"
My eyes flutter open at the sound of loud whispering. I yawn, rubbing my eyes and attempting to stretch only to find a pair of arms wrapped around my waist. I smile, thinking that it's Amour, still asleep after staying up all night with Reese and Drake.
After the dance, the four of us went to Reese's to order Chinese food and watch House Party. Her parents went to Venice for the weekend and left her by herself meaning that while Amour and I got fat with sesame chicken and noodles, Drake was upstairs putting his noodle in her.
As much as I love Reese, she was a loud moaner. It's hard to bond with your boyfriend when all you hear is "Yes Daddy!" or "Harder Drake!" coming from the room above you.
I chuckle at the thought, blinking a couple of times to get rid of my drowsiness.
"There you go! Yes, bitch!" what sounds like Shareese's voice attempts to whisper from the corner of the room.
I look over to find Reese filming Amour attempting to twerk, the two of them giggling to themselves as they watch over the video.
I playfully shake my head, of course, they would be up messin' around while the rest of us are sleep.
Wait.
If Amour is with Reese, then who...
I look down so see Drake snuggled up against my bare chest, my eyes go wide as I watch him rub his face against my pecs.
This is weird. This is hella weird.
"Psst," I whisper, catching Amour and Reese's attention. "Help. Me."
Amour covers his mouth in laughter while Reese films the whole thing. I send her the middle finger before carefully trying to push my best friend off of me, but the more I resist the more he pulls me closer.
"Drake," I hiss. "Get off of me bro."
I watch his eyebrows draw together while his eyes are still closed, he starts to mumble something incoherent.
"Drake," I say once again, a little louder.
"I'll get up in a second babe, just give me a minute." he murmurs in his sleep.
Amour is on the floor in hysterics while Reese continues to record, getting close-ups of Drake's sleeping face and my annoyed one.
"Come getcho boyfriend," I demand.
"That's your boyfriend now," she laughs. "I'll gladly take Amour off your hands though."
I roll my eyes and reach for a pillow, hitting Reese first then her boyfriend who was still attached to my body. Drake moved one arm to wave me off, to which I hit him again harder this time so he could finally wake the fuck up.
"Okay I'm up!" he yelled, blinking his eyes open.
The three of us waited to see his reaction to our current position. We all burst out into laughter when Drake's eyes went wide and he quickly untangled his arms from around my bare chest, he pushed me away looking completely disgusted.
"Dude!" he yelled.
"Dude what?" I yell back."You were the one gettin' all close to me!"
"Yeah hands off my boyfriend." Amour chirped from the ground, still laughing.
"Gross," Drake shivered. "He's all yours."
I snorted, playfully making kissing noises at Drake just to mess with some a little more. Lord knows Reese is gonna post that video everywhere.
"Yo what time is it?" he asked, still drowsy.
Reese looked at her screen. "Six forty-five."
"Fuck that, I'm goin' back to sleep."
"Amour can you throw me my phone?" I ask, pointing to the blue phone case on the charger next to him.
He nodded and tossed it to me, the cracked screen lighting up to reveal three missed calls and ten messages from my mom.
Oh shit.
Recognition dawned on my face when I realized what day it was.
Sunday.
Sarai was getting baptized today and I completely forgot I needed to be there early to get her ready. The time on my phone read six thirty a.m, I mentally cursed myself out before hurriedly dialing my mother's number, anxiously waiting for the other line to stop ringing.
"Boy, where have you been? I done called you three times!" she shouted through the phone.
"Sorry ma, I just woke up," I lied. "What time do I need to be there again?"
"Now nigga!" Momma barked. "The service starts at seven so you better get here before I beat yo ass! I hope you didn't sleep with some fast ass girl last night Isaiah, you know damn well that I'll–"
"What? No!" I piped before she had the chance to finish her threat. "I'm at Reese's right now, I'll be there in ten minutes okay? I need to grab my church clothes from the house."
I could feel her disappointment through the phone. "Hurry up or I'll pop you in front of all these nice church people," Momma warned. She hung up the phone before I had the chance to respond, leaving me to get up and rush to grab my suit and charger as I ran towards the door.
Reese and Amour gave me weird looks. "What are you doing?" Reese questioned.
"I gotta go," I say hurriedly, walking over to Amour and bending over so I could grab his face.
He gave me a confused look before I brought his lips to mine, giving him a quick kiss before turning to leave.
"I'll see you later okay?" I said from the door.
"Where are you going?" he asked confused.
"Church!" I said, slamming the door.
***
***
"All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind, our sins sweep us away."
~ Isaiah 64:6
Momma and Pop used to bring me to church every Sunday when I was little. I used to bring old Marvel toys to play with while the pastor preached the word of the Lord. When I was ten Momma said that I was too old to be playin' with toys at church so she made me listen; black churches were different from the white ones around our neighborhood. Not only did they talk about having faith in the Lord, but they also preached that a black man's relationship with God will help him get through a white man's world.
I was twelve when I told my parents I wanted to get baptized. I wanted someone to watch over me and keep me safe from all the violence that was going on in our neighborhood at the time.
Finally being able to eat the bread and drink the juice was also a plus.
When Sarai was three she had her first asthma attack, we skipped that Sunday. Momma and I would pray for her every night since we didn't have the time to take her to church. Soon it started to become a normal thing to stay home Sunday morning, even after Sarai started to get better.
I never stopped believing in God, it was just that our relationship started to grow apart. I don't pray every night or call him when something goes wrong anymore, and whenever we join hands at the dinner table I just close my eyes and my mind goes somewhere else.
It thinks about someone else.
It starts to get hard to talk to him when you know you're lying to the people you love most. Especially if that lie is about being with a boy.
"Isaiah getcho camera out! She's comin' up the stairs!" Momma slapped my chest, removing me from my thoughts.
I obeyed, getting my old camera out from her purse and snapping a few pictures as Pastor James walked Sarai to the tub. She was dressed in a loose white dress given to her by the church, a white cap on her head so her hair doesn't puff up too much.
"Sarai," the pastor says. "Is Jesus Christ your Lord and Savior?"
My sister nods, mumbling a quiet "yes".
"Do you want to follow Him and live for Him?"
"Yes, Sir."
The Pastor and the other men step into the tub with Sarai, they each place a hand on her back for support. "Based upon your profession of faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, I now baptize you in the name of the Father and Son and Holy Ghost. Buried with Him in the likeness of His death, raised with Him in the likeness of His resurrection to walk in the newness of life."
I snap a picture as Sarai closes her eyes and holds her breath as she's dunked in dirty water. The church claps and cheers, the annoying sound of Auntie with a tambourine echoes through the building.
Sarai's brought back up wet and cleansed of any sins a seven-year-old girl could've committed. They take her back downstairs and an usher escorts Momma, Pop, and I back to our pew. Pastor James introduces the preacher for the morning, Pastor Hendricks. He's an older bald man with dark skin and large black glasses, he tells us that today he'll be talking about guilt.
"Goodmorning, church," he begins. "I would like y'all to please stand and open your books to Isaiah, chapter sixty-four, verse six."
***
"Before I end this sermon I want to tell y'all a personal story if that's okay?" Pastor Hendricks asks the church.
Momma clapped along with the rest of the church, I lean over a little to look at Pop who looks like he's been ready to go ever since the sermon started.
"My nephew, Moses, who was brought up in the church came out to our family as homosexual last week," he reveals. I sit up and the church gasps. "This was a tragic time for my sisters family, finding out that her son has been partaking in sexual activities with another man under her own roof. We were all shocked on what went wrong with this young man, he's been a church boy ever since he was a toddler."
My father was awake now, listening closely to everything the pastor was saying. Sarai was changed and dry now, sitting next to me in a baby blue dress with matching bobbles. She put her hand on top of mine, which only made the nerves worse.
"My sister went to stay with our mother that night, being a single mother it was extremely heartbreaking for her to hear this news from her only child. Moses came to me the next day and told me about how much guilt he felt for sinning and going against his God. Now think back to that scripture from Isaiah, this boy was swept away by the devil's work, giving him those unholy thoughts and forcing him to act upon it."
I could feel my fist clenching on how wrong he was.
"Our family prayed for Moses' redemption, hoping that our father could find a way to fix him!"
"Momma?" Sarai piped. "I gotta go to the bathroom."
"His guilt is what saved him from continuing to work with the devil!"
"You can't hold it for a little longer, baby?" Momma whispered.
Sarai shook her head and started to bounce her legs in her seat. Momma groaned. "Isaiah go take your sister to the bathroom," she ordered.
"He was saved by the power of the Lord!"
Sarai and I stood up quickly and walked down the side of the aisle into the hallway. Once we got out of sight she stood up straight, no longer acting like she was gonna pee on herself.
I smiled. "What happened to the bathroom?"
She shrugged. "You needed to get out of there."
***
After service, the church would provide breakfast downstairs in the dining hall for anyone who needed. Momma and Pop got into an argument on whether to go to IHop or Village Inn so she made him eat the food here instead. Pop hates the breakfast here.
"That was quite the service wasn't it?" a female voice says behind me.
I turn around to face a familiar looking face, a shorter darkskin girl who also goes to George Washigton Highschool. I think she was in my English class last year? What was her name? Delany? De'Asia? Destinee?
I didn't respond cause I honestly don't know how. Deserae doesn't seem to care though, she just smiles and grabs my wrist to pull me into the empty hallway, almost making me spill my OJ.
"Sorry, I didn't wanna congratulate you with all them church folk around," Danielle speaks. "I saw you walk out with your lil' sister. I wanted to see if you're good?"
I furrow my eyebrows. "Congratulate me?" I question.
Danae laughs like it's obvious. "On your bo–" she stops herself and looks around. "Your boyfriend," Diane whispers.
My eyes go wide at the two words. "My what? How did you–who told you?" I stammered.
She gives me a look. "Oh shit, you didn't see?"
"See what?"
Delilah pulls out her phone and opens Snapchat, she clicks on some random girls story and gives me the phone. I watch in terror as a video of Amour and I kissing plays on the screen, voices in the background cooing and whispering.
Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fucking, fuck!
"How many people saw this?" I ask, trying to stay calm.
Dominique shrugs. "A lot..." she trails off. "But hey! Calm down, no one really cares if you're gay Isaiah."
"I'm not–" I catch myself, lowering my voice. "I'm not gay."
"Even better, now girls think they still gotta chance with you." she joked.
"Well, the boys don't!" I snapped. "They're gonna try to say shit to Amour and–and my team is gonna find ou and–"
"Yo!" Dee Dee cuts me off. "We're not as homophobic as you think. Yeah, our parents might think bein' gay is a sin and shit but we're growin' up in a different time, Isaiah. Opinions change."
Opinions can change but actions don't.
"You gotta promise me that you won't tell the church, or my parents, or your parents or anyone," I stressed. "You gotta."
"I promise," she smiled. "But lemme tell you somethin', that sermon Pastor Hater gave doesn't mean shit alright? That's a Christian's way of using their religion to justify the fact that they're homophobic. I'm glad you walked out so you didn't have to listen to that shit; God made you like this for a reason, don't hide it."
Her large lips formed into a sincere smile, not enough to stop me from overthinking but enough to let the thought drift from my mind for now.
"DEVANY!" a voice called from the other room.
The girl, who's name was Devany, placed a hand on my arm and looked me directly in the eyes. "I promise," she repeated. "I'll see you at school."
With that she left, leaving alone to collect my thoughts. I know I planned to come out to the school at the dance, but when Amour and I agreed to wait I didn't think that wait would only be two days. I took a long breath.
It was okay though, I have him.
"Hey Isaiah, your momma said she's ready to go," Pop announces as he walks into the hallway. "That nice girl, Devany, told me you were in here."
I put on a fake smile. "Yeah, we were just talkin' about some school stuff."
My dad smirked, putting a large arm around my shoulders. "I told my pops the exact same thing when I was in high school," he swayed me from side to side. "That's my boy! Finally getting some action 'round here!"
I was getting action alright, just not with the person he wanted.
***